} Why, my son, this is a simple question, so simple that it troubles me
} that you have found it necessary to request my assistance on the matter.
} Some serious restructuring of your life is going to be necessary.
} Make yourself some quiet time in the next few days (this is really too
} important to wait for the weekend), and find a place where you can
} relax. No, I mean REALLY relax. Let down all your defenses, physical
} and emotional. Take the phone off the hook. Activate the External
} Rality Disconnect. Pile up some cushions somewhere, and sprawl out.
} Consider your toes; they're a little tense, aren't they? Wiggle them
} some; left foot, then right. Tense them up, spread them out, relax
} them. Now work the ankles; rotate them counter-clockwise, then
} clockwise, then counter-clockwise again. Point your toes as straight as
} you can, then bend the ankle as far the other way as you can. Do this
} twice. Feet starting to feel relaxed? Good. Let it flow up your legs,
} through your calf muscles. Tighten and loosen them alternately a few
} times, then make the flow continue up through your knees. When it
} finally reaches your fingers, stretched out over your head, you'll be
} properly relaxed and prepared to really deal with this question of how
} you've made such a mess of your life.
} You've been farily successful with women, haven't you? You probably
} have a lot of people envious, in fact. The trouble is, your easy
} success in this area has led you to neglect other, extremely important,
} aspects of your life. Your ignorance in the matter of Traci Lords'
} behind is but one simple example. For another example, your right hand
} doesn't get as much exercise as it should; you may have noticed that
} when you shake hands with geeky computer-nerds they can crush your hand
} easily? Has this ever puzzled you? Well, this is the sort of thing I'm
} referring to. You don't have to go on living like this; and in fact
} Traci Lords can help you.
} Go to your local video rental place, explain your problem as I have in
} the paragraph above, and request one of the Traci Lords self-help videos
} for people in your situation. Take it home and watch it, in private,
} after performing the same relaxation regimen prescribed above.
} This should also clear up anything about Traci Lords' behind that may be
} mysterious to you.