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Internet Oracularities #139

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139, 139-01, 139-02, 139-03, 139-04, 139-05, 139-06, 139-07, 139-08, 139-09, 139-10


Usenet Oracularities #139    (19 votes, 3.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 30 Mar 90 12:21:49 -0500

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139   19 votes 42337 03628 14662 02a43 06373 15463 31474 112a5 05a31 01549
139   3.5 mean  3.4   3.8   3.2   3.4   3.4   3.3   3.4   3.9   3.0   4.1


139-01    (42337 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is Love? Sam, play me a melody. Something in a minor key.
}
} Love is a passion that never will die,
} Love is a reason for popping your fly,
} Love is a knife sticking right in the heart,
} Love is an odorous fart.
}
} Love is like watching the birds and the bees,
} Love is like holding your nose when you sneeze,
} Love is a gamble, it's hit and it's miss.
} Love is like having to piss.
}
} Love's an emotion that fills you with fear.
} It's the girl next door with the tits out to here.
} Love's an emotion that sets you on fire.
} Like pissing on a high-tension wire.
}
} Love is anxiety, sorrow, and grief.
} It's enjoying the pubic hairs stuck in your teeth.
} It's the reason for living, for dying as well.
} It's the reason her underpants smell.
}
} Love's peachy keen, Love sure is neat,
} Love is the fungus on the sole of your feet.
} Love is a scratch you just cannot itch.
} But above all, Love's a bitch.
}
} Thank you. Thank you very much.
}
} You (sniff) owe the Oracle a Kleenex.


139-02    (03628 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is a process execution model of Horn clauses well suited to
> multicomputer implementation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeesh. A real question. Here we go again...
}
} <PUFF> <PUFF> <SUUUUUUUUUUCK> <AHHH> wow...
} One ring to Rule them all
} One ring to find them
} One ring to bring them all
} and in the darkness bind them
} In a LAN with more nodes where the stations lie
}
} Oops!  Sorry.  I seem to have slipped and said something about token
} rings.  Ahh...  Lets try again...
}
} <PUFF> <PUFF> <SUUUUUUUUUCK> <SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK> wow...
} I really hate this damned machine
} I wish that they would sell it,
} It never does what I mean
} Only what I tell it
}
} Damn. Two misses. Hmmm...
}
} <PUFF> <PUFF> <SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK> ahhh....
} Twas midnight and the UNIX hacks
} did gyre and gimble in their cave
} All mimsy was the CS VAX
} and Cory Raths outgrave
}
} Beware the software rot my son
} the faults that bite, the jobs that thrash
} beware the broken pipe and shun
} the frumious crash...
}
} Christ.  Sorry, guy, but the Gods seem to be a little confused today.
} Either that or someone spiked my stash.  We'll get back to you when the
} problems are ironed out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a doobie.


139-03    (14662 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I hate to get up in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are living in an apartment infested by flaming death ants.  Whenever
} you get out of bed, your feet get eaten off.  Not pleasant.


139-04    (02a43 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was I written in 1957?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again, a mere mortal has managed to astound the one true Oracle
} with a query of vast importance.  Men have pondered for centuries on
} your seemingly simple inquiry.  They have struggled to discover the
} answers to such earth-shattering problems without the aid of their once
} revered gods.  An age of reason came unto the land and the gods of old
} were left behind.  Only I, the one true Oracle, was sought out for
} answers to the mysteries of life.  For countless years, people consulted
} the omnipotent Oracle on matters that mere science and technology could
} not solve.  Then a dark age fell upon the Oracle.  People came with
} questions of an unimportant nature.  Was the Oracle asked to reveal the
} secrets of universal existance?  No.  Was the Oracle asked reveal the
} nature and ultimate goal of all human life.  No.  The Oracle was
} consulted about such trivial matters as who would win the NCAA
} Tournament.  The Oracle was consulted about minor problems such as how
} to prevent dishwasher spots.  In a word, the Oracle was not happy.  But
} today, this glorious day, a mortal has mangaged to renew the Oracle's
} faith in mankind.  You are not just money-grubbing fiends who only care
} about how to score with the opposite sex.  Not that these are
} insignificant goals.  It's just that financial wizards and Dr.  Ruth are
} available for such minor consultations.  The Oracle should serve a
} higher purpose.  Today a mortal has approached the Oracle with just such
} a purpose.  A question of universal importance has been presented to the
} Oracle.  A question to which all of human life desires to know the
} answer.  A question for which the Oracle will now reveal the
} long-awaited answer.
}
} I'm sorry.  What was that question again?
}
} As payment, the Oracle demands a book of memory enhancement exercises.


139-05    (06373 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is felafel really poisonous unless it's deep-fried?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Felafel really is poisonous unless it is deep-fried.  Here are
} some other little known (but nevertheless important) facts:
}
} Sneezing while pinching your nose shut and clamping your hand over your
} mouth will cause your eyeballs to pop out of their sockets.
}
} Walt Disney really is in cryogenic suspension.
}
} Madonna can actually act.
}
} Pia Zadora did marry her husband for love (and not for all his loot).
}
} Traci Lords is naive and innocent.
}
} Richard O'Brien really is a Transexual Transylvanian.
}
} Truman Capote wasn't gay.
}
} Burt Reynolds is.
}
} The Earth is actually flat.
}
} So is Dolly Parton.
}
} The denziens of the world never ask the Oracle stupic questions.
}
} As payment, the Oracle demands a copy of The_Book_Of_Lists.


139-06    (15463 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the mystery behind Traci Lords?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, my son, this is a simple question, so simple that it troubles me
} that you have found it necessary to request my assistance on the matter.
} Some serious restructuring of your life is going to be necessary.
}
} Make yourself some quiet time in the next few days (this is really too
} important to wait for the weekend), and find a place where you can
} relax.  No, I mean REALLY relax.  Let down all your defenses, physical
} and emotional.  Take the phone off the hook.  Activate the External
} Rality Disconnect.  Pile up some cushions somewhere, and sprawl out.
}
} Consider your toes; they're a little tense, aren't they?  Wiggle them
} some; left foot, then right.  Tense them up, spread them out, relax
} them.  Now work the ankles; rotate them counter-clockwise, then
} clockwise, then counter-clockwise again.  Point your toes as straight as
} you can, then bend the ankle as far the other way as you can.  Do this
} twice.  Feet starting to feel relaxed?  Good.  Let it flow up your legs,
} through your calf muscles.  Tighten and loosen them alternately a few
} times, then make the flow continue up through your knees.  When it
} finally reaches your fingers, stretched out over your head, you'll be
} properly relaxed and prepared to really deal with this question of how
} you've made such a mess of your life.
}
} You've been farily successful with women, haven't you?  You probably
} have a lot of people envious, in fact.  The trouble is, your easy
} success in this area has led you to neglect other, extremely important,
} aspects of your life.  Your ignorance in the matter of Traci Lords'
} behind is but one simple example.  For another example, your right hand
} doesn't get as much exercise as it should; you may have noticed that
} when you shake hands with geeky computer-nerds they can crush your hand
} easily?  Has this ever puzzled you?  Well, this is the sort of thing I'm
} referring to.  You don't have to go on living like this; and in fact
} Traci Lords can help you.
}
} Go to your local video rental place, explain your problem as I have in
} the paragraph above, and request one of the Traci Lords self-help videos
} for people in your situation.  Take it home and watch it, in private,
} after performing the same relaxation regimen prescribed above.
}
} This should also clear up anything about Traci Lords' behind that may be
} mysterious to you.


139-07    (31474 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle-
>         Victory is mine!!!  It has been years since we last faced each
> other.  Since that ill-fated day when you tricked me into that parallel
> universe and locked the door behind me I have planned and waited,
> bidding my time until the perfect moment to put my evil plan into
> effect.  Finally it has all come together, all the planets are in proper
> position and the black holes are half full.  I, the Anti-Oracle, can now
> destroy you.  With one flick of the wrist I can bleep you out of
> existance.  But before I do, I will allow you one last utterance.  Hey,
> I may be evil but I'm not cruel.  So now, Big Guy, what do you have to
> say now that your megahertz are numbered?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} fphbttttttt!


139-08    (112a5 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Gorbarchev's REAL motive behind all of this peace stuff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm glad you asked that.  Due to certain rules and regulations
} pertaining to information I distribute, I am not allowed to distribute
} information unless a mortal asks a question concerning said information.
} Therefore I was unable to warn you of the danger that you are all in.
} Thanks to you this is now possible!
}
} BEWARE!!!!
} Ever since coming to power, Gorbachev has been lulling the free world
} into a false sense of security!  Soon he will be trusted enough so that
} he is allowed to journey to the center of power in America- Indiana
} University!!  Once there he will set loose his team of computer
} specialists (travelling with him in disguise as his personal servants).
}
} Thats right, its all a Soviet plot to capture ME, THE ORACLE!!!  BE ON
} YOUR GUARD AT ALL TIMES!!!  BE ALERT!!!  TRUST NO-ONE!!!  KEEP YOUR
} LASER HANDY!!!  ALREADY HE HAS PLACED AGENTS AT KEY POSITIONS WITHIN THE
} COMPUTER DEPARTMENT HERE AT INDIANA!!!  DON'T LET YOU GUARD DONE FOR ONE
} MILLI-SEC ^C
}
} Please pardon the previous outburst, comra- er- fellow Americans.  There
} seems to have been a slight malfunction with the Oracle that is being
} corrected now.  Thank you for your cooperation.


139-09    (05a31 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great Oracle, harken thine ear most sacred to me but one minute.
> Thou who art higher than mortal man, thou who speaketh and the world
> listeneth and trembleth, thou who dost not sleep by day nor slumber by
> night, thou who would, if I did not kiss up to you, send a high voltage
> current through my monitor, incinerating me, thou whose every desire is
> met by naked sex godesses from the fourth dimension, thou whose feet tis
> an honor to lick the dust from, thou who, lest your bald head be burned
> by the blazing sun, art shaded when thou dost go outside by flocks of
> seagulls who dost let their droppings fall only on thy humble disciples,
> would thou answer me but one question, oh Great Oracle?
>
> Why are you so darned conceited?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is not pleased.  In fact, I'm rather pissed.  I'm very
} tempted to incinerate you anyway, just on general principle.  Not only
} do you insult, but you attempted (in what I'm sure you thought to be a
} clever way) to ask me two questions instead of the customary one.  Well,
} being an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-around great Oracle, I can
} afford to be lenient.
}
} I am most certainly not conceited.  Omnipotent beings are not conceited.
} I, who control that varied pathways of all computer networks, am not
} conceited.  I, who unravel the secrets of the universe as easily as you
} unravel the secrets of Jim Varney, am not conceited.  I, who walk in the
} light while you stumble about like an idiot in the darkness, am not
} conceited.  It all in your mind (or at least what you jokingly refer to
} as your mind).  I am not conceited.  It is merely your sense of gross
} inferiority that causes you to hurl these untrue accusations my way.  So
} grow up and take responsibility for your own problems.
}
} You owe the Oracle one heart-felt apology.


139-10    (01549 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Oracle.
> HELLO!!!!!
>
> Oracle, are you there!!?!?!   I know you're there.  Pick up Oracle...
>
> Oracle.  ORACLE!!!!  If you are there, please pick up.  I have to talk
> to you.  PICK UP PLEASE!!!!!  ORACLE!!!!
>
> Oracle.
>
> Can you hear me?  Are you there?  Hellooooo?  I can just sit here and
> wait, you know...
> ..
> ..
> ..
> Fine.  Just fine.   Bye.
>
> <CLICK>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Splish> <Splosh> Hello!  I hate it when that happens.  I nearly kill
} myself getting out of the shower, track water all over the place, and
} there's no one there.  I hate these crank questions.  I get all set to
} help some poor deserving soul with his/her problems and then there isn't
} even a problem to solve.  Arrghhhh!
}
} You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet.


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