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Internet Oracularities #1391

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1391, 1391-01, 1391-02, 1391-03, 1391-04, 1391-05, 1391-06, 1391-07, 1391-08, 1391-09, 1391-10


Internet Oracularities #1391    (39 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2005 09:53:52 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1391
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1391  39 votes 1bfa2 06cd8 2bda3 6ae72 88b39 15gd4 08ec5 398a9 6i771 09g86
1391  3.1 mean  3.0   3.6   3.0   2.7   2.9   3.4   3.4   3.3   2.5   3.3


1391-01    (1bfa2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does the Oracle use PigeonRank technology to judge the wit-factor
> of each question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't.  I have my priests (and priestesses) do it for me.  Of course,
} it would be easier for me to choose the wittiest Oracularities myself.
} I am omniscient, after all.
}
} But, the priests (and priestesses) need something to do. Reading mind
} bogglingly dull and witless submissions all day makes the priests (and
} priestesses) look upon the more "personal" services I require them to
} perform as boon rather than a burden.
}
} Keeping them busy also helps me justify having more of them about the
} temple. Having more priests (and priestesses) increases my stature
} among the other deities and demigods (especially when I brag about how
} willing and happy they are to perform those "personal" services).
}
} Now you know why so many questions, replies, and oracularities are
} decidedly unfunny. It's to keep up moral -- MY moral.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question so unbearably dull and banal that my
} priests (and especially priestesses) run to me begging to be assigned
} some special "personal" duty.


1391-02    (06cd8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, in whose omniscient light I actually
> understand what my psychology instructors are asking me, please hear
> my question!
>
> I am sure that while I am moving into my new apartment, I will
> forget several extremely important items necessary for operation at
> my university.  Could y ou, in your all-knowing greatness, inform me
> what I will forget without setting up a Go:del logic problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's been a while since the Oracle went off to school,
} but here's things that he found useful:
}
} A lyre - Music is big with young people, you'll miss
} home less if you can hear tunes that remind you of
} happy times gone by.
}
} A spare tunic -- Your mother won't be there to wash for
} you, having a spare tunic is very handy if your constant
} studies make it hard for you to troop down to the shore
} to rinse out your smock and smack it against a rock a
} few times.
}
} Your very own wax tablet and stylus -- once considered
} an extravagance, now a days it's not rare to see a lad
} with one of these atop his lap noting words of wisdom.
}
} A length of ram's intestine, tied off on one end --
} Hey, you might get lucky, you never know. Be prepared.
}
} You owe the Oracle a leather thong.


1391-03    (2bda3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is much cuter than a kitten:
>
> Why do cats always lay right where you're reading?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cats are exceptionally skilled in mathematics. They are capable of
} calculating (down to the demical point) the probability of you sitting
} in a specific location. They choose this very same spot in attempt to
} draw upon Advanced Lucidian Neurologic to iniate Pracitcal Stress
} Relief of the Third Degree, otherwise known as "ear-rubbing".  Most
} cats are talented astrophysicists, too. They're all just nihilists.
}
} You owe the Oracle a scooby-snack.


1391-04    (6ae72 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh no!  No, no, no!!!  I wrote PERVIOUS *again* when I meant
> previous.  I did this before as I told you in a pervious massage.
>
> I think my fimgers are imfected with a firus.  Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soggy. I'm afraib I qan't.


1391-05    (88b39 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a Mormon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mon, it be de ol' skool moniker for Muslims mon.


1391-06    (15gd4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle scholar, saint and sex-symbol,
>
> What kind of clothes is a city supposed to wear anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on the city. New York used to wear a smoking jacket until
} Bloomberg banned it. London still shops at London Fog. San Francisco,
} home of the Golden Gate Bridge, has a closet full of jumpers.
} Boston always keeps a cape nearby. Chicago is famous for its dress
} blues... as well as its athletic supporters. In Washington, D.C.,
} it's always a coverup. And out in Hollywood, they prefer one item of
} clothing above all others: That's a wrap.


1391-07    (08ec5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most glorious and something-better-than-glorious Oracle...
>
> What is the true moral behind 2001: A Space Odyssey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bottom line: Make your kids watch TV or else they'll kill you.
}
} Let's back up.
}
} 2001 makes a lot more sense if you read Clarke's "Rama"
} first. "Rama" deals with a large, self-sustaining artifact
} the purpose of which is unclear -- unlike in 2001. Moreover
} in 2001 the monolith seems of mystical origin, while the
} artifact in "Rama" is clearly a device built by intelligent
} creatures.
}
} 2001 shows that being smarter than others makes it easier
} to kill them. The primal apes that obtained sentience
} from the presence of the monolith killed the other apes.
} When HAL got near to the monolith HAL obtained sentience
} and started to kill humans.
}
} This is what the ancients conveyed to each other with the
} tale of what happened to Kronos. Kronos knew that if you create
} something as smart as yourself it could kill you, be it your
} kids or your computers. Kronos slipped up though, and his kid
} Zeus made Kronos incapable of ever spawning again  -- with a
} rusty scythe. Ouch.
}
} 2001 is a warning to modern man of the same fate. But take
} heart, Forces That Be have headed computer tech down the wrong
} path (read: monolithic kernels) so they'll never be smart enough
} to attack you. That leaves your children. Solution: the Boob
} Tube, all it takes is an hour a day and the kid is rendered
} damaged to the point of your safety. Of course your parents
} did this to you too, making you too dumb to know to do it
} to your own kids. Which is where 2001 steps in, a reminder:
} Beware dark boxes, keep the TV on, TV -- the anti-monolith,
} the artifact that keeps you alive.
}
} You owe the Oracle a TV dinner and a satellite dish.


1391-08    (398a9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "I can see Leary now; my brain is gone..."
>
> What are the rest of the words to that song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Vaguely calypso beat commences)
}
} I can see Leary now; my brain is gone.
} I can see bright colors coming through the gray.
} Gone are the walls -- they melted, but I don't mind.
} It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day.
} It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day.
}
} I think I can stand up now... no, I was wrong.
} I guess I'll just stay curled up inside my bed.
} Cripes! There's a rainbow breaking down my door!
} It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day.
} It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day.
}
} Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies
} Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies
} ...and dwarves...
} ...and little red bugs...
} ...Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!...
}
} I can see Leary now; my brain is gone.
} I close my eyes, but the bugs won't disappear.
} They're getting larger, and they want to eat my mind.
} It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day.
} It's gonna be a high, high, L.S.D. day.
} Real, real, real, real high, high, L.S.D. day.


1391-09    (6i771 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Woeful Oracle, you always see the
> worst of me!  I guess that's as it should
> be for grovelling, right?
>
> Anyway, I **again** said "ingore pervious
> questoin" when I meant something else.  And
> I'm afraid that you actually **did** that.
> My questions are still fine, and mostly
> unanswered.  But my questoin is hopelessly
> ingored, right where it was most pervious.
> The poor thing is about to commit hegemony
> or worse.  Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suspect that I always see the worst of you because that's your
} only side.
}
} "Woeful Oracle" indeed! My only woe is your pathetic existance,
} and the fact that you evidently lack a spell checker.
}
} Your questions might be fine, but your "questoins" DESERVE to be
} ingored, or they would be, if we could figure out how to do that.
} My guess is that it has something to do with the inbreeding of oxen,
} but don't quote me on that (except, perhaps, in a digest, and don't
} quote me on THAT, please).
}
} Furthermore, the correct usage is he-gemo-nism not hegemony.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free subscription to Dictionary.com. I already
} have a hegemony.


1391-10    (09g86 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Literate and Illuminative Oracle, I need the
> light from your eyes too see my way through the Dark.
>
> I intend to start a new Science Fiction magazine, to
> be called "Preposterous sf".  Please send me a list of
> good story topics, themes or plots, as well as a list
> of potential authors.  Note that I cannot pay any
> money at this time, so the writers will have to be
> looking at future payment or some other similar
> arrangement.  My motto will be "The Preposterouser
> the Better."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, Wild "Who'd a Thought it Possible?" Stories of Tomorrow!!
}
} I'll give you the articles, but you have to match them
} with the best possible author from the list below. Enjoy.
}
} 10) LaughterHouse Five: Monthly Other-Worldly Joke Column
} 09) $19.84 : Surveillance on a Budget
} 08) No!! Crash!!: Blue Screen of Death to Show up on
}      Interstellar Vehicles?
} 07) The Puppy Masters: Pet Cloning Gone Wrong, Will
}      our Dogs put Us on Leashes?
} 06) A Wrinkle this Time: Future Fashion, Plastic
}      Surgery to Make You look Older
} 05) 20000 Legumes From Under the Sea: Human Beings to
}      Feast on Deep Sea Beans
} 04) An Orange Clock Works! Fruit Machines of Tomorrow Today!
} 03) Stand on a Sand Bar: Fort Lauderdale, Culture Center
}      of the Western World
} 02) A Cannibal For MadCow with Grits: Why Brains
}      Should be Served Everywhere, with Every Meal
} 01) Man in the High and Dry Castle: New Orleans 2005
}
} a) Philip K. Dick
} b) John Brunner
} c) George Orwell
} d) Walter M. Miller Jr.
} e) Neal Stephenson
} f) Robert A Heinlein
} g) Jules Verne
} h) Anthony Burgess
} i) Kurt Vonnegut
} j) Madeleine L'Engle
}
} You owe the Oracle the entire "Dead Like Me" series on DVD.


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