} Ah, A conundrum --"If I fail to grovel, it is because I am a failure at
} groveling, which is itself a grovel."
} Are you a politician? That might explain your question. Well, we'll
} address that later...
} On to the answer, not that you deserve it...
} First, Senator, I hate to break it to you, a left handed hacksaw and
} radiator voltage tester will not be enough to finish the job. You will
} also need a metric adjustable wrench, a reverse drill, and a quart of
} elbow oil (make sure you get the oil and not the grease, the parts
} store will know the difference).
} [If you're in a hurry, you can get the whole package from my TIOmazon
} web site for just 29.99 (TIO dollars, consult your bank for current
} conversion rate -- /FinePrintOn 091005 exchange conversion 0.001 USD to
} 1.00 TIOD /FinePrintOff). Or call us -- just pick up your phone, dial
} 1, and any 10 digits at random. When the phone connects, don't wait
} for the operator to answer, just give them your credit card number,
} full name, billing address, and that extra three digit number from the
} signature line on the back of the card. Then hang up, the operator
} will know what to do.]
} Now that you have the correct tools, Gov'nor, we'll tackle that
} muffler. First you need to lift up the car. Your fellow Governator of
} California or the former Governler of Minnesota can help you with that.
} Underneath the car is a great big tube running from the engine to
} something that looks like a great big can of potato chips (yeah, the
} artificial kind). If it has a scarf wound around it, it's a muffler,
} otherwise we call it that less-noise-making thingy. Now, find the big
} metal tube that comes out of it. Yes, the big rusty one with the holes
} in it. Does it have an open end? Yes? Well, it looks like your
} muffler bearing fell off. So, you'll need to stop up that hole in the
} end. Oh, and you'll need to lubricate it as well. The best lubricant
} is vegetable oil, and as anyone that has eaten fast food french fries
} knows, the greasiest is potato oil. So, go to the grocery store and
} get a very large baking potato. Cut it in half (no, sideways, not
} lengthwise) and stuff it in the hole. Work it around real well to get
} the maximum lubrication. The best part is, if you leave the potato in
} place, it nicely blocks the hole left by the missing bearing.
} Ok, Congressman, tell your friend the Governator to let the car down
} real easy, and we'll work on those other problems. No, don't start the
} car yet, you need to wait until the hottest part of the day. About
} those brakes, I'm afraid you got that one wrong. It's not the
} B-R-A-K-Es that were squeaking, but the B-R-E-A-Ks. You know, those
} guys in back of the service bay having a smoke and coffee. You need to
} oil them. That overhead hose they use to put the oil in the car will
} do fine. Set the dial to 30 quarts, and let it spray. If the garage
} doesn't have one, just throw bottles of 10w30.
} You also tightened the wrong nut. It's not the nut that holds the
} wheel, but the nut *BEHIND* the wheel. Sit at the wheel. Now look
} behind your. Hear that noise? Yes, it's your mother-in-law. Take her
} out for drinks or spike her coffee -- when she's tight enough to fall
} asleep, then you can drive in peace.
} Oh, and you were right about what the guy said about checking the gas,
} Mayor. Everyone knows that you check the gas by pouring a pound of
} sugar into the tank, start the car, and time how long the engine runs
} until it stops -- seconds = quarts, so your tank has 1 gallon for every
} 4 seconds the engine runs before dying.
} We're done. Start the car. If the engine stalls, take some of that
} spiked coffee you gave your mother-in-law, open the hood, take the
} cover off of that air cleaner thingy, and pour the coffee into the big
} hole in the middle. After all, everyone knows that alcohol will burn,
} and coffee wakes you up. It should work on your engine.
} All right Mr. Pres. That should take care of your car. What? It still
} won't work? Well, maybe you should take it back to the garage. At
} this point, pay them whatever they want, you can just add it to the
} national debt.
} No, don't thank me, just send the Oracle one inverted framistat. My
} car keeps rolling away when I take the brake off, and the parts store
} was out... Oh, and about thst grovel? It failed to impress me...