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Internet Oracularities #1392

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1392, 1392-01, 1392-02, 1392-03, 1392-04, 1392-05, 1392-06, 1392-07, 1392-08, 1392-09, 1392-10


Internet Oracularities #1392    (40 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 08:30:14 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1392
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1392  40 votes 02hf6 0abb8 66ae4 28dc5 4a9b6 18ef2 7689a 08hd2 6fd42 378e8
1392  3.2 mean  3.6   3.4   3.1   3.2   3.1   3.2   3.2   3.2   2.5   3.4


1392-01    (02hf6 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of infinite wisdom,
>
> What are the legal and ethical issues regarding writing a
> mind-control screen saver and installing it on all the lab computers
> in my university?
>
> Also, which lab, if any, is likely to have girls in it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never mind legality or ethics, let's consider practical
} matters.
}
} Even without using my omniscience, I think we can put together
} a profile on our supplicant.  Caucasian male, age 18-22, possibly
} in need of a little sun; chemistry wizz when younger, once referred
} to himself as a 'mathlete', now specializes
} in computing; owns the special edition DVD of 'Weird
} Science', and maybe 'Zapped' as well.  Probable motive for mind
} control screensaver: removal of women's clothing.
}
} Inspite of the best efforts of dangerous cults the world over, the
} only real inroads in mind contol screensaving have been from
} simply having naked women on the screen.  The bad news, it only
} worked on 18-22 year old males; the good news, it really does
} control their minds, and even caused clothing to get removed.  So
} as long as your prepared to be flexible about the results, it
} is certainly acheivable.
}
} As for finding a lab with alot of women in it, look for a course
} with a name like "Hypersexed: Feminism and the 'Net"; I'm sure
} they'll be impressed with your efforts.


1392-02    (0abb8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi,
>
> Do you have any good home remedies for headaches?
>
> Much appreciated.
> Joe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hit your thumb with a hammer, and you'll forget about
} your headache.  Make sure it's a BIG hammer, so that
} when you hit your thumb, and forget about the hammer,
} you'll drop it on your toe.  That way you'll forget about
} the pain in your thumb.


1392-03    (66ae4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You let your dog do WHAT??!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. The dog got to second base with Who, What
} was out in left field at the time.


1392-04    (28dc5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: T. Gies <tony@thehappythrix.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the Dungeons,
>
> Why must every floating eye be escorted by a single newt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because floating eyes are tremendous practical jokers, and the life
} and soul of every Nethack Christmas Office Party. What's funnier
} than a a paralysed adventurer being savaged to death by a newt?
} Other common floating eye jokes to look out for: paralysed
} adventurer gets hit in the face by pie full of rusty nails,
} paralysed adventurer gets bucket of whitewash and grid bugs emptied
} into his pants, paralysed adventurer gets shocked by hand buzzer,
} set on fire and left in the path of an angry umber hulk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Ring of Free Action.


1392-05    (4a9b6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can i stop procrastinating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Set yourself on fire, you'll be so motivated it will scare you.


1392-06    (18ef2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: T. Gies <tony@thehappythrix.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get addition information to guide me in my current
> situtation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would try the textbook "Glencoe English", ISBN 0-02-657070.  Pay
} special attention to Chapter 3, "Punctuation for Questions," and
} Chapter 12, "Personal Letters, Formatting Business Correspondance, and
} Grovelling for the Oracle."
}
} Given the Oracle's history with questioners that do not grovel
} properly, The Electric Power Research Institute's "Guide to Personal
} Protective Grounding for Working in Lightning Storms or in the Presence
} of Excitable Dieties" may come in handy over the next few minutes.
}
} You owe the Oracle the question mark key from 200 Cyrillic keyboards,
} and a surge protector.


1392-07    (7689a dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been having these dreams about lamas...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Hello Dalai. . .


1392-08    (08hd2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wonderful,
>
> If the answer is blowin' in the wind, why don't they let us take the
> test outdoors?  It'd be so much easier.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind because your instructor
} didn't latch his briefcase properly before he came into the building.
} Right now the answer key to today's test is currently 12 yards above
} the Chemistry building, moving northeast at 22 knots.
}
} If it was going to be easy for you to catch the answer key, you'd have
} received a track scholarship instead of a work-study job mopping
} floors.
}
} You owe the Oracle a passing grade. And if you step outside before
} handing in your paper, you'll get an automatic zero for cheating.


1392-09    (6fd42 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Resplundent and preponderous Oracle, I have run out of words to use
> when grovelling to you, and have adopted the annoying habit of making
> up new ones. Should I instead just do a headstand in the Oracular mud
> in your Oracular mudbath instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grovels are unnecessary.
}
} Don't focus on the process itself, use it.
}
} Look, here is your chance to get the questions of the Universe
} answered and you're worried about the wording of something that
} doesn't matter. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle ten questions, one at a time, the answers to
} which will change your life.


1392-10    (378e8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Festering Oracle, you are sore at me, and I guess
> you are sore at supplicants everywhere.  Is that because we
> occasionally forget to grovel?  Look, I'm not perfect, like
> you.  I'm just an humble supplicant, fer crysake.  If I do
> not grovel, that in itself is a form of grovelling!  I'm
> showing you what a miserable failure I am when it comes to
> expressing my appreciation of your Grand and Super-Overrated
> Mental Abilities, All Capitalized.  Harrumph!!
>
> Look, could you loan me a left-handed hacksaw and a radiator
> voltage tester?  My auto mechanic says I need a new muffler
> bearing, and he quoted me $3755 for the work and parts.  I
> told him I'd do it myself, and he said I didn't have the
> right tools.  That'll be those things I just mentioned.  I'll
> also need to find the muffler bearing, so could you tell me
> what it looks like?  And maybe you know where I could get a
> used one for cheap?  I asked at the auto parts store and
> the redneck guy there just laughed at me.  These redneck
> mechanics and parts guys seem to think I'm an idiot, an
> easy mark.  Well, I can fix anything on my car.  It may take
> me a while, but I can do it.  Like the brakes.  They were
> squeaking, and the mechanic said, let 'em squeak, but I
> oiled them and that stopped it.  And the steering wheel nut.
> The parts guy said the problem with my car was the nut that
> holds the wheel, and I found it.  When I tightened it a lot
> of liquid came out, but the car still works, but the steering
> wheel is a lot harder to turn.  Maybe I tightened the nut
> too much?
>
> Oh, and just so you'll know I really am smarter than that parts
> guy, I told him I wasn't sure the gas gauge was working right,
> so he said look into the gas tank, and if you can't see the
> gas, light a match.  I knew that was a joke, and I didn't do
> that.  It was a joke, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, A conundrum --"If I fail to grovel, it is because I am a failure at
} groveling, which is itself a grovel."
} ???
}
} Are you a politician? That might explain your question.  Well, we'll
} address that later...
}
} On to the answer, not that you deserve it...
}
} First, Senator, I hate to break it to you, a left handed hacksaw and
} radiator voltage tester will not be enough to finish the job.  You will
} also need a metric adjustable wrench, a reverse drill, and a quart of
} elbow oil (make sure you get the oil and not the grease, the parts
} store will know the difference).
}
} [If you're in a hurry, you can get the whole package from my TIOmazon
} web site for just 29.99 (TIO dollars, consult your bank for current
} conversion rate -- /FinePrintOn 091005 exchange conversion 0.001 USD to
} 1.00 TIOD /FinePrintOff).  Or call us -- just pick up your phone, dial
} 1, and any 10 digits at random.  When the phone connects, don't wait
} for the operator to answer, just give them your credit card number,
} full name, billing address, and that extra three digit number from the
} signature line on the back of the card.  Then hang up, the operator
} will know what to do.]
}
} Now that you have the correct tools, Gov'nor, we'll tackle that
} muffler. First you need to lift up the car.  Your fellow Governator of
} California or the former Governler of Minnesota can help you with that.
} Underneath the car is a great big tube running from the engine to
} something that looks like a great big can of potato chips (yeah, the
} artificial kind). If it has a scarf wound around it, it's a muffler,
} otherwise we call it that less-noise-making thingy.  Now, find the big
} metal tube that comes out of it.  Yes, the big rusty one with the holes
} in it.  Does it have an open end?  Yes?  Well, it looks like your
} muffler bearing fell off. So, you'll need to stop up that hole in the
} end.  Oh, and you'll need to lubricate it as well.  The best lubricant
} is vegetable oil, and as anyone that has eaten fast food french fries
} knows, the greasiest is potato oil.  So, go to the grocery store and
} get a very large baking potato.  Cut it in half (no, sideways, not
} lengthwise) and stuff it in the hole.  Work it around real well to get
} the maximum lubrication.  The best part is, if you leave the potato in
} place, it nicely blocks the hole left by the missing bearing.
}
} Ok, Congressman, tell your friend the Governator to let the car down
} real easy, and we'll work on those other problems.  No, don't start the
} car yet, you need to wait until the hottest part of the day.  About
} those brakes, I'm afraid you got that one wrong.  It's not the
} B-R-A-K-Es that were squeaking, but the B-R-E-A-Ks.  You know, those
} guys in back of the service bay having a smoke and coffee.  You need to
} oil them.  That overhead hose they use to put the oil in the car will
} do fine.  Set the dial to 30 quarts, and let it spray.  If the garage
} doesn't have one, just throw bottles of 10w30.
}
} You also tightened the wrong nut.  It's not the nut that holds the
} wheel, but the nut *BEHIND* the wheel.  Sit at the wheel.  Now look
} behind your.  Hear that noise?  Yes, it's your mother-in-law.  Take her
} out for drinks or spike her coffee -- when she's tight enough to fall
} asleep, then you can drive in peace.
}
} Oh, and you were right about what the guy said about checking the gas,
} Mayor.  Everyone knows that you check the gas by pouring a pound of
} sugar into the tank, start the car, and time how long the engine runs
} until it stops -- seconds = quarts, so your tank has 1 gallon for every
} 4 seconds the engine runs before dying.
}
} We're done.  Start the car.  If the engine stalls, take some of that
} spiked coffee you gave your mother-in-law, open the hood, take the
} cover off of that air cleaner thingy, and pour the coffee into the big
} hole in the middle.  After all, everyone knows that alcohol will burn,
} and coffee wakes you up.  It should work on your engine.
}
} All right Mr. Pres. That should take care of your car.  What?  It still
} won't work?  Well, maybe you should take it back to the garage.  At
} this point, pay them whatever they want, you can just add it to the
} national debt.
}
} No, don't thank me, just send the Oracle one inverted framistat.  My
} car keeps rolling away when I take the brake off, and the parts store
} was out...  Oh, and about thst grovel?  It failed to impress me...


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