[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:36:48 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1393

Goto:
1393, 1393-01, 1393-02, 1393-03, 1393-04, 1393-05, 1393-06, 1393-07, 1393-08, 1393-09, 1393-10


Internet Oracularities #1393    (40 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 07:55:52 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1393
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1393  40 votes 57f94 2ge62 43db9 05kd2 35d9a 6ia51 44df4 5h882 025je 016if
1393  3.3 mean  3.0   2.8   3.5   3.3   3.5   2.4   3.3   2.6   4.1   4.2


1393-01    (57f94 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: T. Gies <tony@thehappythrix.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are a most spendiferous Oracle.  You have frilly cuffs on your
> sleeves (surely a mark of erudition) and your hair is done up in
> spotted yellow and puce ribbons with silly fishhooks hanging fron the
> larger loops, making you look even more omniscient than you have any
> right to imagine.  How much longer can I keep up this blather before I
> self-destruct?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You would be surprised at the lengths to which humans can blather-on
} for without self destructing. This is because your built-in
} "expire-me-now" chip is directly linked to your own unconscious.
} It's quite simple, and quite ingenious.
}
} The chip is actually a force-feedback negative feedback circuit.
} If you feel like you deserve to self-destruct, you actually will.
} If you don't feel like you need to stop, it will let you go on for as
} long as your brain lets you. The period to which your brain will let
} you let talk for is normally reffered to as "blather-stop", and can
} be measured in milliseconds.
}
} Normally this chip also has another prevantative circuit to stop
} the self-destruct mechanism from kicking in. This is typically
} called "embarassment". This can be observed when you are blathering
} on to some woman after 6 beers. Normally you realise that you are
} crapping on about a topic that is about as interesting as the queens
} underpants, and you go bright red, shut up, and don't explode.
} It's quite interesting to watch.  The correlation between age and


1393-02    (2ge62 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------=_Part_3100_25120820.1126276824521
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
> Content-Disposition: inline
>
> Oh wise Internet Oracle, whose mind knows no limits...
>  Why are some supplicants so irritating as to make repeated demands
> for=20 answers to questions they have not asked and fill the queue
> with such=20 pettiness?
>
> ------=_Part_3100_25120820.1126276824521

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Yo!  Priests!  It's another one of those MIMES!
} Prepare the Scorpion pit!"
}
} > ------=_Part_3100_25120820.1126276824521
}
} Thank goodness, I was afraid it was part 1.
}
} > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
}
} Who you calling plain?
}
} > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
}
} That's right, The Internet Oracle is always Quotable (I'm not so sure
} about the printable part...)
}
} > Content-Disposition: inline
}
} Inline, online and outta line!
}
} > Oh wise Internet Oracle, whose mind knows no limits...
}
} Wait, that's not true, The Oracle knows The Outer Limits, the  Central
} Limit Theorem, (but I sometimes ignore the speed limits...)
}
} >  Why are some supplicants so irritating as to make repeated demands
}
} 'nuff said.
}
} > for=20 answers to questions they have not asked and fill the queue
}
} You want *20* answers???????
}
} > with such=20 pettiness?
}
} Yes, pettiness times 20, how appropriate.
}
} Oh, by the way, you're repeating yourself.  History repeats itself.
} You're history.
}
} Zot!
}
} You owe the Oracle a 2000 word essay on plain text encoding.


1393-03    (43db9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A thought experiment, for your consideration:
>
> Imagine, if you will, a small room, with a door, a chair, a table,
> and, on the table, a closed box. In the chair is sitting a priest
> of the Internet Oracle; in the box we have placed a live specimen
> of Marmota monax, and several pieces of wood.
>
> What would the result be if we were to open the box?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           --- #7 in the Oracle Myth Series ----
}
}                 {{ Spamdora's inBox }}
}
}    Long, long ago when lemurs still roamed free and before
} commoners themselves had broadband there lived a cute,
} though oddly coiffured priestess known as Carmina. This
} story isn't really not about her, it's about Spamdora.
} Spamdora had a lowly student account, free it was, & slow
} as a summer's queue, but as we said free. She had but one
} restriction on it, "Do Not Open any Attachments". This
} vexed Spamdora, what was in those attachments? She asked
} root. He ignored her. So she asked some random geek, and
} he got all flustered as he'd never spoke to a RL female
} before. And this is what he said, "Attachments can contain,
} oh heck, I surrender! Marry me, please!". So Spamdora asked
} Carmina. Carmina said, "Look, if you had a box that contained
} all the world's woes & you were told not to open it, but you
} did then you'd release those woes. And everyone would hate
} you. Don't do it." And Spamdora thought and thought and asked,
} "But after I released the woes and I looked in the box would
} I not find there Hope?" And Carmina corrected Spamdora and
} said, "No, all you'd find in the box is woe poop left there
} by the woe while it was trapped in the box." And Spamdora
} was enlightened. But someone else opened the box anyway and
} that's why there's evil spam & woeful crap in your email box.
}
}                   >> the end >>
}
} You owe the Oracle the anvil of Hephaestus.


1393-04    (05kd2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wisest of Oracles,
>
> Why is English so confusionful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because peoples don't taking the timers to making theirselves
} intelligentible.
}
} You owing the Oracle a grammatical-checkering that's work.


1393-05    (35d9a dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Grand and Wise Internet Oracle, who I am not fit to grovel in front
> of...
>
> Suppose for a moment that I put a cat into a closed steel container
> with a radioactive material and a vial of hydrocyanic acid, and if a
> single atom of the radioactive material decays, the vial will break,
> killing the cat.
>
> When would the ASPCA break down my door and accuse me of cruelty to
> animals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So long as you remain really, really, still, and concentrate on the
} fact that you're not moving, they'll never be able to find you.


1393-06    (6ia51 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where the red fern grows

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} REFRESHED NEWER GROWTH
} FEEDERS GREW THREW HORN
}
} and most importantly
}
} NERD REEFER HEWS GROWTH
}
} OK, that's it.  Do your own anagrams from here on out.


1393-07    (44df4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most extra credit worthy, I have a problem with my teacher.
> On Friday's math quiz she asked how many gills are in a hogshead.
> I said zero because hogs don't live in the water and don't have gills.
>
> She said I'm wrong. I said she needs to stick to teaching math
> because she obviously doesn't know squat about biology. She said
> I need to stay for detention every afternoon until I can come up with
> the correct answer.
>
> So I come to you for help. How many gills are in a hogshead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly Americans. Are you still using that antiquated system? Okay,
} let's see. Take the number of drams in a stone, and add the number of
} ropes in a league, subtract the number of hours in a fortnight. Take
} all that and divide by two, add the number of boards in a cord,
} subtract ells in a furlong. Oh, and I think there's an eight in there
} somewhere too. You work it out from there. Unless it's an Imperial
} hogshead, and then everything's all screwy.
}
} You owe the Oracle implementation of the metric system.


1393-08    (5h882 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> What's the word for 2006?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracularisation.
}
} As to the import of this word for 2006, well, you'll just
} have to wait and see. But I'm looking forward to it!


1393-09    (025je dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Excuse me, are you there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her voice was like an angel's.  And I could tell she was a looker just
} from the shape of her shadow on the frosted glass of my office door.
} That's my name on the door:  Orrie Cull.  I find the answers to
} people's questions.  Sometimes what I do isn't pretty, but I do it
} well.
}
} "Yeah, doll, come in."
}
} She opened the door and came in.  Like anyone in my business, I give
} her a good once-over.  She had a figure that wouldn't quit, just like
} my eyes wouldn't quit looking her over.
}
} "Oh, I'm so glad to find you in, Mr. Cull."
}
} "I'm glad you found me, too, Miss . . . ?"
}
} "Cant.  Miss Supp Leigh Cant."
}
} "Well, Miss Cant, what can I do for you?"
}
} "I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Cull.  They say you know all the
} answers."
}
} Then she hesitated and looked around my office.  A lot of my clients
} have to work up to telling me what they need.  I handle some delicate
} business and it's not always easy to tell it to a stranger.  Some
} almost grovel before they work up the courage, but I could tell she
} wouldn't be one of those.
}
} She was distracted by what she saw.  I'd acquired some pretty odd
} items in my years in this profession.  They were scattered around my
} office like pepper on a baked potato.  They'd even make you sneeze
} like pepper if you disturbed them because most were covered in a nice
} layer of dust, like newspaper on a sleeping hobo.  She suddenly
} remembered herself and looked back at me.
}
} "I have a rather delicate situation.  Are we alone?"
}
} "Yes, Miss Cant, we are.  I always work alone.  My only partner is
} named Smith & Wesson and half the time we're both loaded."
}
} Some people say I'm too forthright with my clients.  I say I just tell
} it like it is and how they react is their problem.
}
} "I see.  Well, I have a very . . . special question I need the answer
} to."
}
} She sat on my desk and leaned across.
}
} "You see, I need to know . . . ."
}
} "Yes?"
}
} "How much woodcouldawoodchuckchuckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwood?"
}
} Bam!  She got me.  I'd left myself wide open like a door on a tenement
} house on a hot summer day.  I fell out of my chair on to a floor that
} was cold like a morgue.  I figured it wouldn't be long now until they'd
} cart me off to one.
}
} She peered over the desk at me to make sure she'd gotten the job done.
} There was no question that she had.
}
} "Sorry, Orrie, it's nothing personal, just a job."
}
} She turned and started to walk out.  I tried to ask her who hired her,
} but trying to talk felt like trying to breathe in a sandstorm.  Then,
} just as she got to the door she stopped.
}
} "Oh, the rodents of unusual size say 'hi.'"
}
} Then she walked out.  I'd made a lot of enemies over the years, but
} most of them knew better than to try anything with me.  I should have
} known it was that gang that had hired her.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why they call it "black and
} white" when it's really all shades of grey.


1393-10    (016if dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What are my chances of winning a gazillion dollars and never
> having to work again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on how you go about doing it.
}
} Method: Buy a lottery ticket
} Chances: 1 in 146,107,962
}
} Method: Start with 10 gazillion dollars and invest in Pets.com
} Chances: About 2%
}
} Method: Head to Vegas.  13 Red, baby!
} Chances: You might think 1 in 36 or 1 in 37, but you'd be wrong.  13 is
} black.
}
} Method: Goof off at work sending questions to the Oracle
} Chances: 0.00000000000003%
}
} Method: Work for Halliburton during the Iraq reconstruction
} Chances: About 98%
}
} Method: Get a government post and accept "favors" from Halliburton
} Chances: Entirely by coincidence, 98%
}
} Method: Collect aluminum cans for recycling
} Chances: 100%, if you can collect 50 cans a day for 0.02 gazillion days
}
} Method: Help that Nigerian businessman with his SUM OF TEN GAZILLION US
} DOLLARS. FOR YOUR KINDNESS WE RESERVE 10% FOR YOU.
} Chances: WE HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU.  THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.
}
} Method: Bet against the Boston Red Sox
} Chances: 83 out of 84
}
} Method: Ask the Oracle for tomorrow's lottery numbers
} Chances: 100%.  In fact, here they are.  5, 8, 17, 23, 42.
}
} Enjoy!  Oh, you owe the Oracle one gazillion dollars.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org