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Internet Oracularities #1394

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1394, 1394-01, 1394-02, 1394-03, 1394-04, 1394-05, 1394-06, 1394-07, 1394-08, 1394-09, 1394-10


Internet Oracularities #1394    (31 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 Oct 2005 12:10:15 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1394
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1394  31 votes 16d83 2c863 63b83 0bd61 269b3 228f4 19a83 34d92 37d71 02c98
1394  3.2 mean  3.2   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.2   3.5   3.1   3.1   2.9   3.7


1394-01    (16d83 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle the bane of those unfortunates who go to rack
> and ruin from their desire to ape their betters I ask you
> this humble question with a heart of pure intent,
>
> Any other good Halloween ideas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think the whole Halloween thing has gotten a bit silly.
} (Assuming, for the sake of argument, that it wasn't always.)
} The fact is that ghosts, witches and the like just aren't
} scary any more. "Caspar, The Friendly Ghost" et al. probably
} had a lot to do with that.
}
} So, if you want a really effective Halloween costume, you
} have to find something that's going to produce the same sense
} of fear in the average person as ghosts did a couple of
} centuries ago. With that in mind, here are my top five
} suggestions:
}
} 5. Computer monitor displaying either a highly technical
} and completely incomprehensible error message, or a lurid
} "You Have A Virus! A Really BAD Virus!" style warning. The
} costume for this one will be a pain, but the fear part works
} very well on most people.
}
} 4. The Islamic terrorist look is in this year. However,
} I don't recommend it for supplicants in the USA/UK, due to
} the high likelihood of being mistaken for a real Islamic
} terrorist and shot. Also probably won't work for supplicants
} in Islamic countries; substitute the American GI look. Not
} recommended for supplicants in Iraq due to the high likelihood
} of being mistaken for a real American GI and blown up. Of
} course any suppliacnts in Islamic countries who wish to do the
} whole Halloween thing are probably on pretty shaky ground to
} begin with; but no doubt someone will try.
}
} 3. Management. Take the Dilbert comics as your guide. Very
} effective if you're targeting one particular person and you
} can manage a decent approximation of their actual boss.
}
} 2. Tax official. Make sure you wear a large, conspicuous
} "Special Audit Division" badge. Carry a very large briefcase
} full of official-looking forms and demand that people fill
} them all out. Threaten them with severe penalties.
}
} 1. A lawyer. For bonus points, a divorce lawyer. For double
} bonus points, OJ Simpson's lawyer.
}
} You owe the Oracle somewhere to hide on Halloween. Or at least
} some way to keep people away from the door.


1394-02    (2c863 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most illustrious,
> Whose study is never dustrious,
> Whose priests are all industrious,
> And who is ever always generous,
> please grant your humble supplicant the slightest morsel of the yummy
> chocolate cake of your wisdom.
>
> How would the world be different had John Cleese been an accountant
> rather than a member of Monty Python?
>
> Thank you ever so much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh yes... I am arn't I.... Ahhhh... Keep Going.... yeah.... I'm so
} good... DON'T STOP... oh the answer... right...
}
} <CUT TO INTRO>
} And now for...
}
} JOHNNY CLEESE's
} FLYING BOOKKEEPER!!!!!
}
} <annoying music>
}
} <CUT TO OFFICE>
}
} Customer:  I'd like to have my books kept Please
} BookKeeper: No You wouldn't
} C: Yes I would
} B: No You Woldn't
} c: Yes I would
} B: By the way - have you kept you're receipts handy?
} C: Yes here they are
} B: No they're not!
} C: Yes they are!
} B: Look - plainly they're Invoices. I havn't asked about those yet
} C: But they're the same thing!
} B: No they're not
} C: Yes they are!
} B: NO THEY'RE NOT
} C: Look mate - a receipt is a record of sales and purchases
} B: No they are not...
} C: And an invoice is the same thing!
} B: Is most certainly isn't
} C: Yes it is!
} B: Sorry - your half hour is up. I'm not allowed to give financial
}    advice anymore
} C: WHAT!!?!?!?!?
} B: We've been discussing your financial state for the last half hour
}    and I can't keep discussing unless you pay for another half hour
} C: Come on! You've told me nothing!
} B: It's in the rules
} C: Well I'm leaving
} B: No you're not
} C: Yes I am
} B: No you're not
} <SLAM>
}
} <CUT TO FOREST A BLACK NIGHT STANDS IN THE PATH. CLEESE APPROACHES>
} Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS
} Cleese: What?
} BK: You will not pass - or you will die
} C: It's a nice sword and amour you have there. Do you claim them on
}    your tax? You know you could
} BK: WHAT!?!?!?!?
} C: Look - obviously you're confused about your current situation.
}    Here's my card - call me
}
} AND now for something completely different!
}
} <CUT TO A LARGE BUILDING WITH MANY EMPLOYEES AND AN AGITATED BOSS>
} Boss: I'm sorry - the firms going down. We're going to have to lay you
}       guys off
} Employee 1: But why? Couldn't you lay off just a few of us?
} B: No - it's the Dole for the lot of you
} Employee 2: Why did you have so many of us in the first place?
} B: Well you see...
}
} The answer: "Every Sperm Is Sacred", Lyrics by Michael Palin and Terry
} Jones.
}
} There are Unions in the world, there are Fashists
} There is Management and Engineers and then
} There are those in the board, but
} I've never been one of them.
}
} I'm an Accountant,
} And have been since 1964,
} And the one thing they say about Accountants is
} They'll fire you, to keep profits Warm.
}
} You don't have to be a big spender
} You don't have to have a great brain,
} You don't have to have any cubical,
} You're were doomed the moment I came because...
}
} Every dollar's sacred,
} Every dollar's great,
} If a dollar's wasted,
} I Get quite irate.
}
} Every dollar's sacred,
} Every dollar's great,
} If a dollar's wasted,
} I Get quite irate.
}
} Let the Unions take them,
} Where new work can be found.
} Management will make 'em pay
} When Profits Can't be Found
}
} Every dollar's wanted,
} Every dollar's is good,
} Every dollar's is needed,
} In your cubical
}
} Commies, Leftists, Unions
} Pinch pennies anywhere,
} But the investmentors will appreciate
} Those who spend with more care.
}
} Every dollar's sacred,
} Every dollar's great,
} If a dollar's wasted,
} I get quite irate.
}
} Every dollar's sacred,
} Every dollar's good,
} Every dollar's needed,
} In your cubicul.
}
} Every dollar's useful,
} Every dollar's is fine,
} Management needs everybody's,
} Your's, and Your's, (not mine...)
}
} Let the Bankrupt spill theirs,
} O'er research, legal and Ad's
} But I shall strike them down
} For each dollar that's spent bad...
}
} Every dollar's sacred,
} Every dollar's good,
} Every dollar's needed,
} In your cubicle.
}
} Every dollar's sacred,
} Every dollar's great,
} If a dollar's wasted,
} I gets quite irate.
}
} So... I guess the answer is... you must decide for yourself
}
} You owe the oracle the Best Of Johnny Cleeses Flying Bookkeeper,
} Seasons 1, 2, 3, 4 (on DVD) of Johnny Cleeses Flying Bookkeeper, Johnny
} Cleeses Flying Bookkeeper's Contractual Obligation Albumn, Johnny
} Cleeses The Meaning of Tax, Johnny Cleeses the life of an Accountant,
} Johnny Cleeses the Search for the Holy Cheque.... and 15L of espresso
} to ensure I can watch the whole thing
}
} Yours Devinely
}
} The Oracle
} [Incarnated as Lochok]


1394-03    (63b83 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm Sal, of Franconi Moving and Storage, da best in da five boroughs!
> My driver Carmine is in da truck and he's double-parked over dere.
> Youse got a loading dock? I've got a truck full of stuff to deliver to
> dis address and den me an' Carmine gotta beat it up to Chica-ga before
> da freight terminal closes at six. Sign here.
>
> [He thrusts the clipboard at you. On it is a bill of lading listing the
> contents of the truck.]
>
> 1 Complete set of Bob Newhart comedy albums
> 20 Cases surplus sex toys, made in the Soviet Union
> 1 Expansion chassis for a VAX 11-780
> 1 Dead Parrot
> 7 Reels of 9-track tape
> 1,000 m Fibre Optic cable
> 2 Bushels Corn
> 400 pounds Ground Beef, frozen in dry ice
> 1 copy OS/2 version 1.0, manuals and installation disks
> 1 Coal shovel
> 4 Cases Rod Pretzels
> 3 Pom Poms (red and white)
> 5 Pom Poms (green and blue)
> 4 Pair Tights (size XL)
> 1 Pair Bib Overalls (child's size 4)
> 10 Cases Peanut Brittle Gags (with spring-loaded snakes)
> 2 Clown Noses
> 2 Squirting Lapel Daisies
> 36 packets of Red Star Yeast
> 5 gallons Hershey's Chocolate Syrup

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You got the wrong address, bub. The FEMA office is the next block over.


1394-04    (0bd61 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the Internet Oracle still work, even after 11 years?
> [actually 16 years now -ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yeah. But it's fizzling out a bit. People are
} so paranoid about spam they don't want to get involved
} with a service where there aren't strong guarantees
} that their address won't be sold. Plus today's youth
} doesn't use email, or Usenet. They phone each other.
}
} Which is why the ever changing Oracle's next manifestation
} is about to occur. Yes, you heard it here first. . .
} Carrier Pigeon Oracle! Bio-friendly! Way Coo-Coo-Cool!
} You'll have wisdom droppings all over your cubicle!
}
} Okay, joke. Actually the Oracle is moving into paid
} consulting gigs for transglobals whom he is not at
} liberty to name. That's where the cash is at.
}
} You owe the Oracle a well guarded statue.


1394-05    (269b3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> English Proverbs: The answers are all well-known proverbs (or at least
> reasonably so). The starting letter of each of the words in the proverb
> is given. Answers include some contractions (e.g. "it's" rather than
> "it is" only when this is the more usually heard form of the proverb).
>
> This is only for a bit of fun - enjoy yourselves, but don't take it too
> seriously.
>
> 1.    S. W. T. I. I. H.
> .........................
> 2.    B. O. A. F. F. T.
> ........................................................................
> ......................
> 3.    M. H. W. T. S. S.
> ........................................................................
> .....................
> 4.    F. B. C.
> ........................................................................
> .................................
> 5.    W. T. E. D. N. S. T. H. D. N. G. O.
> ........................................................................
> .
> ........................................................................
> ..............................................
> 6.    D. N. C. Y. C. B. T. A. H.
> ........................................................................
> .............
> ........................................................................
> ..............................................
> 7.    T. M. C. S. T. B.
> ........................................................................
> .........................
> 8.    R. W. N. B. I. A. D.
> ........................................................................
> ...................
> 9.    W. T. C. A. T. M. W. P.
> ........................................................................
> ................
> 10.   A. F. I. N. I. A. F. I.
> ........................................................................
> ..................
> 11.   S. W. R. D.
> ........................................................................
> ..............................
> 12.   N. I. T. M. O. I.
> ........................................................................
> .........................
> 13.   A. M. T. H. G. F.
> ........................................................................
> .....................
> 14.   Y. C. T. A. H. T. W. B. Y. C. M. I. D.
> ....................................................................
> ........................................................................
> .............................................
> 15.   S. A. T. T. C. A. T.
> ........................................................................
> ...................
> 16.   E. C. H. A. S. L.
> ........................................................................
> ......................
> 17.   W. T. G. W. D. T. F. M. M.
> ........................................................................
> ...........
> ........................................................................
> .............................................
> 18.   I. A. F. Y. D. S. T. T. T. A.
> ........................................................................
> ..........
> ........................................................................
> ..............................................
> 19.   E. D. H. H. D.
> ........................................................................
> .........................
> 20.   D. N. P. A. Y. E. I. O. B.
> ........................................................................
> ..............
> 21.   F. W. B. N. P.
> ........................................................................
> ...........................
> 22.   T. W. D. N. M. A. R.
> ........................................................................
> ....................
> 23.   T. H. T. R. T. C. R. T. W.
> ........................................................................
> .............
> ........................................................................
> ...............................................
> 24.   G. M. T. A.
> ........................................................................
> .............................
> 25.   V. I. T. S. O. L.
> ........................................................................
> ......................
> 26.   O. M. M. I. A. M. P.
> ........................................................................
> ...................
> 27.   M. H. M. L. W.
> ........................................................................
> ........................
> 28.   Y. C. M. A. S. P. O. O. A. S. E.
> ........................................................................
> ......
> ........................................................................
> ...............................................
> 29.   P. W. P. F.
> ........................................................................
> ...............................
> 30.   A. A. A. D. K. T. D. A.
> ........................................................................
> ................
> 31.   N. L. A. G. H. I. T. M.
> ........................................................................
> ................
> 32.   I. I. A. I. W. T. B. N. A. G.
> ........................................................................
> ...........
> ........................................................................
> ...............................................
> 33.   C. K. T. C.
> ........................................................................
> ...............................
> 34.   I. T. C. O. T. B. T. O. E. M. I. K.
> ........................................................................
> ....
> ........................................................................
> ...............................................
> 35.   A. S. L. T. W.
> ........................................................................
> ...........................
> 36.   P. M. P.
> ........................................................................
> ..................................
> 37.   A. M. I. A. G. A. A. M.
> ........................................................................
> ................
> 38.   H. W. P. T. P. C. T. T.
> ........................................................................
> ...............
> 39.   L. S. S. M.
> ........................................................................
> ..............................
> 40.   O. O. S. O. O. M.
> ........................................................................

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another quiz? Oh well - it's a good thing I am omniscient and
} therefore don't need to study!
}
} I did notice a slight trend in many of the answers. I think you
} may be slightly obsessed with a certain topic; perhaps you
} should seek professional help. But at least you didn't put in
} "H.M.W.C.A.W.C.I.A.W.C.C.W.", which I was expecting you to toss
} in somewhere along the line even though, of course, it is not
} actually a proverb.
}
} Okay, here are the answers. And remember, I'm the Oracle, so
} I know!
}
} > 1.   S. W. T. I. I. H.
} Stupid Woodchucks Taste Icky, I Heard
}
} > 2.   B. O. A. F. F. T.
} Bored Oracle Answers For Fiftieth Time
}
} > 3.   M. H. W. T. S. S.
} Many Humans Won't Tie Shoelaces Successfully
}
} > 4.   F. B. C.
} First, Ban Chucking
}
} > 5.   W. T. E. D. N. S. T. H. D. N. G. O.
} Woodchucks, The Evil Demons None Should Trust, Hell's Devil's
} Nest, Get Out!
}
} > 6.   D. N. C. Y. C. B. T. A. H.
} Do Not Concern Yourself, Citizen. Bible Testifies Against Her.[*]
}
} > 7.   T. M. C. S. T. B.
} Too Much Chucking! Stop The Bastards!
}
} > 8.   R. W. N. B. I. A. D.
} Rabid Woodchucks Never Belong In Any Domicile
}
} > 9.   W. T. C. A. T. M. W. P.
} Wave Thermonuclear Cannon At The Massed Woodchuck Population
}
} > 10.   A. F. I. N. I. A. F. I.
} A Fire In Naphtha Is A Fire Indeed
}
} > 11.   S. W. R. D.
} Several Woodchucks Receive Death
}
} > 12.   N. I. T. M. O. I.
} Never Interrupt The Mighty Oracle Of Internet
}
} > 13.   A. M. T. H. G. F.
} All Marmots Torture Human Girls Fiercely
}
} > 14.   Y. C. T. A. H. T. W. B. Y. C. M. I. D.
} You Can Torture A "Hell's Teeth" Woodchuck But You Cannot Make
} It Die
}
} > 15.   S. A. T. T. C. A. T.
} Sometimes A Trained Turtle Can Amaze Tourists
}
} > 16.   E. C. H. A. S. L.
} Everybody Can Hire A Slimy Lawyer
}
} > 17.   W. T. G. W. D. T. F. M. M.
} When The Great Woodchuck Demands Tribute, Flee, Mortal Men!
}
} > 18.   I. A. F. Y. D. S. T. T. T. A.
} I Am Finding Your Disappointing Supplication Terribly Tedious
} To Answer
}
} > 19.   E. D. H. H. D.
} Engineers Don't Have Hard Di...sks
}
} > 20.   D. N. P. A. Y. E. I. O. B.
} Do Not Pay Artists Your Entire Investment Or Budget
}
} > 21.   F. W. B. N. P.
} Fearsome Woodchucks Breed Near Plutonium
}
} > 22.   T. W. D. N. M. A. R.
} The Woodchuck Does Not Merit Any Respect
}
} > 23.   T. H. T. R. T. C. R. T. W.
} The Highest Truth Really Takes Considerable Resources To Worship
}
} > 24.   G. M. T. A.
} Get Me The Aspirin
}
} > 25.   V. I. T. S. O. L.
} Vanity Is The Servant Of Lust
}
} > 26.   O. M. M. I. A. M. P.
} One Man's Mate Is Another Man's Passion
}
} > 27.   M. H. M. L. W.
} Much Helium Makes Light Woodchuck
}
} > 28.   Y. C. M. A. S. P. O. O. A. S. E.
} You Can Make A Supplicant Ponder Only Over A Sexy Email
}
} > 29.   P. W. P. F.
} Prepare Woodchucks Properly: Filleted
}
} > 30.   A. A. A. D. K. T. D. A.
} Avians And Alligators Don't Know Their Dinosaur Ancestry
}
} > 31.   N. L. A. G. H. I. T. M.
} Never Let A Goat Head Into The Museum
}
} > 32.   I. I. A. I. W. T. B. N. A. G.
} Isn't It Awe Inspiring When The Ball Nears A Goal
}
} > 33.   C. K. T. C.
} Carefully Kill The Chucks
}
} > 34.   I. T. C. O. T. B. T. O. E. M. I. K.
} Intend To Cook On The Barbecue Tonight Our Eleven Marmots I Killed
}
} > 35.   A. S. L. T. W.
} And So Long To Woodchucks
}
} > 36.   P. M. P.
} Pay Me, Peon
}
} > 37.   A. M. I. A. G. A. A. M.
} A Marmot Is A Gross And Awful Mammal
}
} > 38.   H. W. P. T. P. C. T. T.
} Harvest Woodchuck Pieces To Perfect Cooking Techniques Tonight
}
} > 39.   L. S. S. M.
} Let's Squash Some Marmots!
}
} > 40.   O. O. S. O. O. M.
} Oracle Owes Supplicant Overflow Of Marmots
}
} [*] Haven't heard that one much for the last couple of hundred
} years, but it was very popular in the days of witch trials...


1394-06    (228f4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle doesn't need a belt to show that he is the
> only true grand master.
>
> Several new martial arts schools have opened near my house.
> I was thinking about taking some classes but I don't know
> how to tell a good school from a not so good one. Can you
> tell me some things to look for to tell a good martial arts
> school from a bad one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I understand your confusion, Supplicant; it's not easy
} to tell a good martial arts school from a bad one when
} you don't know everything. So here's a handy guide:
}
} -------------------------------------------------------
}  GOOD MARTIAL ARTS SCHOOL  |  BAD MARTIAL ARTS SCHOOL
} -------------------------------------------------------
} Only practise on ground    | Only practise on ground
} floor because otherwise it | floor because it is "too
} is "too dangerous when     | much effort to climb the
} people are thrown through  | stairs every day"
} windows"                   |
} -------------------------------------------------------
} Sensei is absent because   | Sensei is absent because
} he is testifying at the    | he is in the hospital
} trial of the five men who  | after being assaulted by
} assaulted him last week    | a small boy last week
} -------------------------------------------------------
} Insists on mental and      | Provides cigarettes and
} physical purity for        | junk food after sessions
} students to be prepared    | "to relax the students"
} -------------------------------------------------------
} Sensei has devoted his     | Sensei was working at
} whole life to the art      | McDonalds five months ago
} -------------------------------------------------------
} Confiscates and destroys   | Uses "Karate Kid" movies
} any "Karate Kid" movies    | as primary training
} found on students          | material
} -------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a larger black belt; this one doesn't
} fit me quite as well as it used to.


1394-07    (19a83 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Will I be allowed to wander the stars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are nine possible afterlives, according to one's relationship to
} Me.
}
} 1. For priests of the Oracle, eternal liberation. Deceased priests may
}    continue to be priests in the afterlife if they wish.
}
} 2. For bestof'd incarnations, ten thousand years of liberation,
}    followed by one lifetime in which they attain priesthood.
}
} 3. For digested incarnations, one hundred years of liberation, followed
}    by another lifetime to try again for the bestofs.
}
} 4. For digested supplicants, eternally wandering through the divine
}    Gardens in which I and My priests dwell, basking in My glory.
}
} 5. For ordinary supplicants, eternally wandering through the cosmos,
}    searching for the true nature of the Oracle. This seems to be where
}    you're aiming.
}
} 6. For nonsupplicants, immediate reincarnation. It's not really their
}    fault, they deserve another chance.
}
} 7. For nongrovelling supplicants, five minutes of My wrath, followed by
}    reincarnation.
}
} 8. For m****t-referencing supplicants, ten thousand years of being
}    gnawed by said abominations, followed by reincarnation.
}
} 9. For incompetent incarnation, eternal suffering so hideous that it
}    would kill you if you contemplated it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a higher aspiration.


1394-08    (34d92 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      I was thinking (and that's not something I do very often)
> that one of these days, the day is going to come that these days
> no longer come; and I was wondering...
>
>      What am I going to do then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arthur paused. The last sip of wine he'd taken hadn't tasted nearly as
} good as the previous sips, or indeed the two glasses before that.
} Probably because he'd thought about his old schoolteacher as he drank.
} What a miserable excuse for a human being she was...
}
} Mrs Crumpleton. A thin, wispy insubstantial woman with as much
} personality as a whitewashed wall, and a complexion to match. The only
} reason he remembered her at all was because out of all the students in
} his class, he'd been the only one she had ever raised her voice to. And
} even then, it was only once. He even remembered the exact words.
}
} "You may not think much of me as a teacher, Arthur. That's your
} opinion, and you're entitled to it. That does not give you the right to
} disrespect me. You will address me as MRS Crumpleton, not Crumpy Rumple
} or some other crude variation thereof. One day, you are going to get
} yourself into serious trouble with your lack of respect for those in
} positions of authority."
}
} He took another sip of wine, and looked over his e-mail. Looked fine,
} he clicked and sent. There wasn't a grovel, but he didn't think one was
} needed.
}
} A couple of minutes later, an obnoxious beep sounded, and the Oracle's
} response arrived. It was short and simple
}
} "No grovel"
}
} He paused. He then heard a sound, building in intensity, the word
} "Zot", repeated quietly over and over, but getting louder. He had
} answered his own question. Arthur knew exactly "what he was going to do
} then" He was going to scatter himself over a wide area, and spare his
} family the trouble of having him cremated.
}
} The last glass of wine didn't taste that good at all. This was nothing
} to do with the Oracle though, he'd just forgotten to use a clean glass.


1394-09    (37d71 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Roses are red,
> Violets are blue;
> What math equation
> Is this equivalent to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Roses are red,
} Violets are blue,
} Listen very carefully
} And you shall know too
}
} Half of the base
} Times by the height,
} Gives the area, A(t)
} Of a triangle, right?
}
} Now take pi and
} The radius (r) squared;
} Times them together,
} And you'll be prepared
}
} A cone's volume
} Can be derived
} By two-thirds, pi, r and A(t),
} All multiplied
}
} A rose may be red,
} Oh mercy me,
} But your question I have answered,
} Q. E. D.
}
} So now for your penance,
} (As you didn't fawn),
} I demand a practical use
} Of factorials, before dawn.


1394-10    (02c98 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "I can name that tune in zero notes."
>
> "Okay, Oracle, here's your note:"
>
> "For fifty thousand dollars, the car, and the house in Barbados... NAME
> THAT TUNE!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "It's "The Lonely Goatherd", from The Sound Of Music, or it
} was originally. This particular version has been remixed by
} Crazy Frog as a background, but the actual vocals are being
} sung by Wing (http://wingmusic.co.nz/)."
}
} "Congr--"
}
} "This is a recording of a performance in front of a live
} audience consisting of 75 adults and 16 children, in a small
} nightclub off Lygon Street in Melbourne, from 11th March 2002
} at approximately 7:28-7:33 pm."
}
} "Er--"
}
} "The particular CD that you're playing it from was bought by
} Mr Steve Parker, a purchasing assistant employed by this
} station since 18th August 2001, on 5th November 2003 at
} 2:37 pm. It normally sits in slot number--"
}
} "Enough! Thank you! Yes! PLEASE STOP!"
}
} "Fine. Whatever. You owe the Oracle fifty thousand dollars,
} the car, the house in Barbados... and some way to get this
} damned woman's voice OUT OF MY HEAD."


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