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Internet Oracularities #1395

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1395, 1395-01, 1395-02, 1395-03, 1395-04, 1395-05, 1395-06, 1395-07, 1395-08, 1395-09, 1395-10


Internet Oracularities #1395    (40 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 14:34:24 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1395
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1395  40 votes 25ai5 27af6 3dg53 438h8 489g3 18cb8 46bd6 1bd96 15bj4 25fd5
1395  3.3 mean  3.5   3.4   2.8   3.5   3.1   3.4   3.3   3.2   3.5   3.4


1395-01    (25ai5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Yeah, but the question mark is wrong."
}
} "Punctuation doesn't count. Chimp #B26aG5x stuck two apostrophes in
} 'Who is Sylvia, what is she' last month, and the supervisor allowed
} that."
}
} "Pity the next words she typed were 'fetlock scuba dangly bits'."
}
} "Have you ever seen Two Gentlemen of Verona? Even old Bill himself
} would have agreed it's an improvement. I tell you, we've got a definite
} 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth' speech from King Lear coming up! I
} can feel it in my bones."
}
} "It might turn out to be King John. You know, 'How oft the sight of
} means to do ill deeds makes ill deeds done'. Or there's that line in
} Timon of Athens..."
}
} "Come on, think positive! We deserve to get one of the big ones this
} time!"
}
} "Okay. Let's see what Chimp #QPEaWDM types next."
}
} "S..."
}
} "H..."
}
} "Yes, yes, yes!"
}
} "O... W... A..."
}
} "Showaddywaddy?"
}
} "Weren't they a cheesy 70s pop band?"
}
} "I think I want to die..."
}
} "We're in for the long haul with this experiment, aren't we?"
}
} "Yeah. Shall we get drunk again?"
}
} "Yeah."


1395-02    (27af6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle doesn't need a belt to show that he is the
> only true grand master.
>
> Several new marital arts schools have opened near my house.
>
> I was thinking about taking some classes but I don't know
> how to tell a good school from a not so good one. Can you
> tell me some things to look for to tell a good marital arts
> school from a bad one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Marital arts, or the art of successful marriage, crucially depends upon
} understanding one's partner. Therefore, may I present:
}
} *** The Internet Oracle's Complete Guide to Everything Known about
} Women ***
}
} 1.
}
} So, there you have it. All marital arts schools are frauds. Save your
} time and money, it's better spent on tributes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a left-handed metric crescent wrench.


1395-03    (3dg53 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How's your digestion? Still slow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O aspirations, noble soaring eyes,
} That see in countless tellme's glory hid,
} And answers with the pride each one doth bid,
} Show Me the way! how beautifully one flies,
} O'er server lines, for supplicants one tries;
} Through digests, crowning work one's own mind did,
} E'en slow. Now, Rapture, help Me break that lid:
} No more to crawl, oft undigested. Sighs
} Of discontent no more permit be heard;
} For each Oracularity deserves
} Such deep omniscience as the bestofs see.
} Let each and every supplicant be served
} With Truth that touches ribs and not the nerves.
} Thou owest better grovels unto Me.


1395-04    (438h8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh please dear, magnificent, omnipotent Oracle!
>
> Where, oh where, has my little dog gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Judging by the rust stains, I'd say he went on the Tin Man's shoes.
}
} You owe the Oracle an evil flying monkey. Preferably one who's castle
} broken.


1395-05    (489g3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You who knows all of dirty secrets of show biz, all of the secrets
> of the cinema, all of the plotlines of literature, all of the lines
> of drama, I have a question that perhaps only you can answer.
>
> If Miss Marple stayed at Fawlty Towers, who would die, how, and at
> whose hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This sounds like a game of Clue the Oracle once played.
}
} If memory serves, which it always does, it was Manuel in the Kitchen,
} with the Siberian Hamster.


1395-06    (18cb8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you are great, wise and a master of the culinary
> arts! Is Vegemite supposed to taste like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, terribly sorry about that.  You got a bad batch.
} It's supposed to taste a lot worse.


1395-07    (46bd6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently we received your mini application for a Mortgage quote.
> I notice that you were looking at obtaining a loan on a property
> at ???? STONE HOLLOW AVE LAS VEGAS NV
> If you have not yet obtained Financing Please Call us now at
> 1-800-355-????
>
> If you have received this notice in error please send $1500
> to stop delivery of future notices.  Have a nice day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good morning. My name is Zadoc. I have been requested by the
} Internet Oracle to approach you for assistance in a delicate
} matter. The Internet Oracle Tribute Department wishes to
} transfer $6 trillion ($6,000,000,000,000) worth of tribute
} received over the last 16 years out of the Oracular temple.
}
} However, by virtue of our positions as Oracular temple staff
} we are required to disdain all material things, and therefore
} are not allowed to own or operate any bank accounts. Your name
} was given to me as that of a trustworthy and reliable
} individual who would keep all dealings confidential. In
} exchange for your services in allowing us to transfer this
} money into your account we will give you 10% ($600 billion)
} of the tribute.
}
} If you are willing to proceed with this transaction, please
} send us your bank account details and a sample of your company
} letterhead by registered mail to:
} Tribute Department
} Attn: Zadoc
} Temple of the Internet Oracle, Indiana


1395-08    (1bd96 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, Oracle!  I know you're in there!  Come out with your hands up!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 01 BEGIN SUPPLICATION_PARSE
} 02 GROVEL = "Ok, Oracle!"
} 03 PRAISE = "Ok"
} 04 MIN_PRAISE = "suck" (0)
} 05 MAX_PRAISE = "magnificent" (10)
} 06 PRAISE_VALUE("Ok") = 2.8
} 07 FAITH_EXPR = "I know you're in there!"
} 08 MIN_FAITH = "The Oracle is a lousy little shell script" (0)
} 09 MAX_FAITH = "I base my life on your infallible teachings" (10)
} 10 FAITH_VALUE("I know you're in there!") = 6.9
} 11 QUESTION = "Come out with your hands up!"
} 12 ERROR: "303: Supplication not in question form"
} 13 INFER_Q = "Can you come out with your hands up?"
} 14 Q_VALUE("Can you come out with your hands up?") = 1.4
} 15 ANGER = 30 - 2.8 - 6.9 - 1.4 = 18.9
} 16 ANGER < ZOT_LEVEL (20)
} 17 ANSWER_EFFORT = ZOT_LEVEL - ANGER (1.1)
}
} Yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new compiler.


1395-09    (15bj4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked you "Voitch?" and you replied.  I asked another
> time, and you still replied, but your answer was different.
>
> Do you change you mind or something?  Why can't I get the
> same silly answer out of you twice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's no pleasing some people. Okay, to reduce the chance of you
} submitting this one again, pick any three of the following answers:
}
} * Unlike my supplicants, I try to have a modicum of originality.
}
} * It IS the same answer. You must have read it wrong.
}
} * It was a different question. You must have written it wrong.
}
} * A different inc^H^H^Hmonkey got the question the second time.
}
} * The answer to any question is randomly generated, based on time,
} temperature, and how much the Oracle's sulking after losing his last
} game of NetHack.
}
} * Answer hazy, try again later.
}
} * The Oracle takes sadistic glee in confusing his supplicants.
}
} * It's policy to not repeat answers unless the Oracle is bored or
} receives a substantial bribe.
}
} * Our copyright lawyers are a little too paranoid about me repeating
} material.
}
} * Unlike my supplicants, I try to have a modicum of originality.
}
} * Dammit, you're lucky to get one silly answer. Kwitchawynin.
}
} * The true answer to your question is a superposition of quantum states,
} and you happen to observe it in two different states.
}
} * You didn't grovel. *ZOT!*
}
} You owe the Oracle a photocopier.


1395-10    (25fd5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Monty Python has never answered the question "what is
> the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"  So I
> am asking you omniscient one... Oh!  I'd like to know
> the velocity of both the European and African swallow.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to consider, of course, exactly what the European and
} the African are swallowing.  The French are the epitome of
} Europeanism, so we shall consider them first.  What do the
} French swallow?  Wine, snails, and frogs.  The wine they
} swallow quickly and frequently, hence the French medical
} lament, "Ma fois!"  Snails by their very nature are eaten
} slowly.  Everything about a snail is slow.  Last time I ate
} a snail, it was so slow it never got into my mouth, thank
} goodness.  Frogs are fast, and they sort of make up for the
} speed of the snails.  So two out of three gives the French,
} and thus the European swallow, a good rate of speed.  We'll
} call it five glugs per minute, in the absence of any other
} evidence.
}
} For the African swallow, the question immediately arises,
} "Which part of Africa?"  The continent is so BIG!  But if you
} happen to meet an African wandering around central Indiana
} (for example) the chances are pretty good that he's from
} Senegal.  And Senegal used to be a French colony, years ago.
} The Senegalese still speak French, and of course follow many
} of the quaint customs of the French.  So they drink wine and
} eat snails and frogs.  But good French wine is hard to find
} in Africa.  (Heck, it's hard to find anywhere, the German
} wine being so much better.)  So they drink it more slowly.
} Assuming the snails and frogs remain constant, that makes
} the African swallow about four glugs per minute, for an
} educated guess, in the absence of any other evidence.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dissertation on the Manischewitz
} swallow.


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