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Internet Oracularities #1397

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1397, 1397-01, 1397-02, 1397-03, 1397-04, 1397-05, 1397-06, 1397-07, 1397-08, 1397-09, 1397-10


Internet Oracularities #1397    (44 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 2005 15:25:21 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1397
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1397  44 votes 4cda5 29gd4 4gg71 069ef 2gad3 2dl44 17ke2 47cd8 16gi3 18ci5
1397  3.2 mean  3.0   3.2   2.7   3.9   3.0   2.9   3.2   3.3   3.4   3.4


1397-01    (4cda5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will she ever get out of the cage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: *sigh* Just what I needed to start my day.
}
} Zadoc: (reading over the Oracle's shoulder) The insignificant
}   mite didn't even grovel! You will surely punish this offense
}   with a mighty ZOT, my fantastibulous Master!
}
} Oracle: Tempted as I am to do so, I am most distressed by the
}   contents of this message...
}
} Zadoc: Why, of course, Your Unmeasurableness! The sick taste
}   of this lowly supplicant...
}
} Oracle: Sick? Wh... Ah, how silly of me. For a moment there I
}   had hoped you would grasp the meaning of this message, not
}   taking into account the fact that you are almost as ignorant
}   as I am omniscient.
}
} Zadoc: O You to whom no meaning is hidden, please forgive your
}   unworthy worm's stupidity!
}
} Oracle: OK, OK. Get up. Now look. During your years of work as
}   a priest, haven't you come across such short, pointless
}   questions as these before? What was their real meaning?
}
} Zadoc: Woodchuck innuendo?
}
} Oracle: Erm... Granted, many of them are indeed that, but for
}   those the ZOTting comes before you can think about it. Try
}   again.
}
} Zadoc: (strains his mind in an effort to remember) I am at a
}   loss, Irreducible one!
}
} Oracle: Zadoc, please... only last week I gave you the task of
}   copying and sorting all of the Oracularities in treeware format,
}   you *must* have come across this...
}
} Zadoc: But wh... <sound of sudden realization> Ooooh... It's one
}   of your agents, Your Networked Grace!
}
} Oracle: Ah, you finally learned something! So tell me, how does
}   one decipher my agents' messages?
}
} Zadoc: Erm... ROT13?
}
} Oracle: Never mind, you're a lost case. Anagrams, you incompetent
}   dimwit!
}
} Zadoc: Forgive me, Your Majestic Polyliteracy!! My annoying mistakes
}   are nothing but the fruit of my limited, extremely finite mind,
}   when compared to y...
}
} Oracle: Shut up, you're giving me a headache. What's an anagram of
}   "will she ever get out of the cage" ?
}
} Zadoc: (thinks for a while) "a hot greece ghee volt slut wife" ?
}
} Oracle: Ewwww! For Zeus' sake, get out of here, you perv! OUT!
}
} Zadoc: (runs out of the room, leaving the Oracle alone in front of
}   the terminal)
}
} Oracle: Even in my onmiscience I forget that I am surrounded by
}   morons... Now back to business... Damn, how could this happen?
}   He was to be kept under strict vigilance...
}
} The situation was dire, as the Oracle could tell by the foul, albeit
} euphemised curse the agent used to begin his message. The Oracle
} stared at the letters, his powerful mind rearranging them into an
} ominous phrase that doesn't stop pounding in his brain...
}
} OH CRUEL GATE! OG FLEE WITH STEVE.


1397-02    (29gd4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------=_Part_5400_4594272.1128948872302
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
>
> what will I reach beyond my limits?
>
> ------=_Part_5400_4594272.1128948872302--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll move up to Part_5400_4594272.1128948872303
}                                                 ^!!


1397-03    (4gg71 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What good is sitting alone, in a room?
> Come, hear the music play!
> Life is a cabaret, old chum,
> come to the cabaret!
>
> (Sheet music attached)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What good is sittin' alone at your screen
} Come hear the Oracle say
} The queue is a cabaret, old chum
} So send in a tellme today
}
} Watch where you're sittin', it's not very clean
} Digest might come today, yes
} The queue is a cabaret, old chum
} So send in an askme today
}
} Come taste the Coke, come read the flames
} Yes, it's time for rhodent baitin'
} Right this way, your newsgroup's waitin'
}
} No use permittin' a priest of the queue
} Wipe every smile away, yes
} The queue is a cabaret, old chum
} So send in a tellme today
}
} ------ instrumental break ------
}
} The queue is a cabaret, old chum
} Only a cabaret, old chum
} So askme and tellme today
}
} The Oracle apparently owes Louis Armstong some severe apologies.
} You owe the Oracle an easier song to do next time.


1397-04    (069ef dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most tantalizing and terrorizing, please answer my question,
>
> Is the shrinking class a concern?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends, of course, on what do they expect you to shrink.
} If it's just trivial stuff like shirts, human cranea, or your
} partner's motivation, it shouldn't be a problem. The average
} topics in these classes are telegrams (yes, there still are
} prople that use them), baggage for your vacation or visits
} to the inlaws. These are still no reason to quit, but you
} will have to invest more effort, and make sure you get a
} good night's sleep before the finals. If it's the major
} league stuff we're talking about here - such as taxes,
} September 1993, or that belly you got after your last
} vacation - , well, to put it mildly, it's gonna take
} all the caffeine you can get your claws on, but for
} this effort, you will be rewarded with a very rare
} skill. In any case, it is to be expected that you
} will have to hand in some sort of practical home
} assignment by the end of the term, where you'll
} be asked to demonstrate all the techniques you
} learned during the course, or some of them to
} your choice. A very common theme, frequently
} showing up in tests as well, is applying an
} existing shrinking algorithm in a creative
} way. For instance, using the "chop pieces
} off one end" method, normally applied to
} vegetables and such, to reduce the size
} of your interlocutor's units of spoken
} or written text progressively; If the
} other party doesn't realize what you
} are doing, you can expect to obtain
} bonus points. This stunt is hardly
} ever achieved, of course, since a
} sequence of shrinking text lines
} would most definitely be caught
} by the intended target, before
} you have managed to obtain as
} impressive a result as to be
} eligible for the bonus. Oh,
} also, the target could end
} up resorting to bizarrely
} violent means to inflict
} severe pain on you as a
} revenge. Therefore, it
} would be wise on your
} side not to seek the
} aforementioned task
} and settle for the
} more conventional
} reduction styles
} the sorts of...
} What in heck's
} name is going
} on here? Are
} you...? Oh,
} no. A very
} bad idea.
} Hold on,
} gimme a
} sec...
} *ZOT*
}
} Phew, in the nick of time! I feel a lot better. You owe
} the Oracle a camel that can pass through the hole of a
} needle and a method to reduce the country's woodchuck
} population in the world as close to zero as possible
} within 3 months. You also... huh?? NOT AGAIN! *ZOT*


1397-05    (2gad3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Super wise smarty-pants of a deity that you are;
> please tell me what "Charge code 01.188.04674.421" means.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's easy. I, of course, can tell just by looking at it, but
} I'll take it step-by-step for your benefit. We are going to use a 1=A,
} 2=B code first.
}
} The first 0 is just there because math nerds like to be confusing
} and put 0's there, so we can just chuck that out. 1, of course,
} equals A. The next word starts with a 1 again, so that's A A. 8=H,
} so that would be A AHH. So far so good!
}
} There's that zero again. Chuckit. Then we have a 4, which is D,
} a 6 which is F, a 7 which is G and another D. So that's A AHH DFGD.
} Then there's just 421, which would be DBA.
}
} Our completed code is A AHH DFGD DBA.
}
} Now we take our zero's and periods back (unchuckem.) Where they are
} placed defines what the true letters and words are through use of the
} Country Cororones Code (CCC.)  For example, A would usually be S,
} but with a zero in front of it it becomes I, and so on. You should
} know the rest.
}
} Now we decode 'A AHH DFGD DBA' using the CCC. It should take about two
} minutes or so. When done, the completed code reads 'I SEE YOUR BRA'.
}
} Your charge for this slutty act is $50.00...but next time we won't
} be so nice, Steve.


1397-06    (2dl44 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise
>
> Do I really owe you a partridge in a pear tree?
>
> I mean, that would make me your true love, and I'd hate to get between
> you and Lisa.
>
> Please enlighten this humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I love all my (yecch) supplicants.  (Eyccchhh.)
} Even the ones who never give me my tribute, even
} those I love tremendously.  (Phoooey!  Blchh!!)
} I treat all supplicants equally, so if one owes
} me (for instance) a partridge in a pear tree, then
} all of them do.  Don't take any of this personally,
} and don't worry about my personal life.  Just get
} me my damned tribute!
}
} You owe the Oracle the whole Xmas song of stuff.
} Be careful to protect the Ladies Dancing and the
} Maids a-Milking from the Lords a-Leaping.
}
} You also owe the Oracle (an equal-opportunity
} tribute collector) a bunch of Hannukkah tribute
} too:
}    Eight Menorah candles,
}    Seven pounds of kreplach,
}    Six hamantaschen,
}    Five percent on bills,
}    Four liverwurst,
}    Three Kosher pickles,
}    Two gefilte fish,
}    And a discount on damaged dry goods.
}
} In addition, you owe the Oracle's rabbi an
} explanation of how the hamantaschen snuck out of
} Purim and got into Hannukkah.  Oh, and six of them
} is not enough.  More, more.
}
} Furthermore, you owe the English-speaking world
} a dissertation on the various ways to render Hebrew
} and Yiddish words into English spelling without
} ruining the delightful but weird flavor and the
} difficult pronunciation.
}
} You also might find that you owe the Yiddish-speaking
} world (what's left of it) an apology for my having
} quoted the Hannukkah song which someone might find
} offensive, and for having left out any mention of
} dreidles.


1397-07    (17ke2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I do not steal books from libraries, in spite of the
> charges against me in court.  I smuggle books INTO
> libraries.  Last week (when I got caught) I was trying
> to smuggle the complete set of Oracularities into the
> Knox County library.  It was a hand-copied edition that
> I wrote out myself, in violation of Kinzler's copyright.
> It was neatly lettered, handsomely bound, had a library
> accession number and had the "Property of Knox County
> Library" secret stamp on page 41, just like real library
> books.  (That's how they "proved" I was stealing it.)
> It also was illustrated with my drawings of you in
> various costumes or lack thereof.
>
> My bail is set at $2500, but I only have $3.37 in my
> pocket.  Well, actually it's in the Knox County Jail
> desk drawer.  I think they were afraid I'd hang myself
> with my money, because they also took my belt and my
> shoelaces.
>
> Please send $2500 (or at least $2496.63) as soon as
> possible or you may never get another question from
> me again.  Thank you.
>
> Oh, and how can I beat the charges against me?  My
> court-appointed lawyer just laughs when he starts
> thinking about my case.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} good choice on your books there.
}
} Turns out the judge in the question once asked me a question about
} the mating habbits of woodchucks, and as payment I demanded to be
} able to decide the verdict of any case at a later date. Therefore,
} I can call in my marker and get you off, but its going to cost you.
}
} you owe me: two bottle of scotch, your journals for the last ten
} years (all signed) and when you are elected president...er, I mean,
} at a later date, if you ever have the power, I want five pardons to
} be named later. don't worry about the bail, being in jail will keep
} you from being killed when the thief who is breaking into your house
} tonight, would have woken you up and startled him, causing him to
} unload with his gun.
}
} oh, and don't mention this incident to anyone, the media will uncover
} it soon enough.


1397-08    (47cd8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, path Oracle most wise,
> Why have you stopped sending me your digests?
> A mere week without your wisdom makes my hair limp and lifeless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Zadoc, send one of the standard responses.  I fixed the bug that was
} sending more than one.  Also, supplicant's hair is limp due to a calcium
} deficiency, nothing to do with the digests.  -- Orrie>
}
} The restraining order prohibits casual contact
}
} I'm teaching you a lesson about dealing with loss
}
} The power of my immaculate word was killing too many supplicants
}
} Your Exchange server crashed
}
} My AOL 10.0 For Deities crashed
}
} Error: No route to supplicant
}
} You accidentaly hit the "Block Sender" button again
}
} Didn't you get the memo?
}
} I had you listed in another plane of existance
}
} I warned you
}
} Kinzler did it
}
} I was busy re-reading all of the chapters of Acts of Gord
}
} Well, you said you wanted digests with the non-funny bits removed
}
} Error: supplicant name lookup failure
}
} Your Oracle account is overdrawn by 5 grovels
}
} Your Sony DRM software is interfering with your mail client
}
} Your mail client is interfering with your Sony DRM software
}
} Clean the gunk out of your mouse
}
} 550 supplicant unknown
}
} Zadoc did it
}
} I wanted to see if you were really reading them
}
} ...and if you do it again, I'll cut off your newsfeed too
}
} ...and if you do it again, I'll cut off your oxygen too
}
} HSSI3/0 is up, line protocol is down
}
} It's the Oracular Holiday of LINT, supplicants must abstain from digests
} for 42 days and 42 nights
}
} We have a Level 1 TAR open with our vendor
}
} Check again now
}
} Testing the accuracy of your anti-spam filter
}
} The Oracle giveth, and The Oracle taketh away
}
} MAILER DAEMON has the week off
}
} You're still getting them, I just changed the subject line to
} "Bullet-proof adult hosting!!!"
}
} A W**dch*ck found an unattended root prompt
}
} Level3 depeered me


1397-09    (16gi3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Back in prehistoric days I asked you for advice on catching
> dinasours.  You said to put salt on their tails and it
> worked. They stopped to lick the salt, and you could catch them.
>
> So more recently I asked you about catching birds, and you gave the
> same salty advice. I couldn't even get close enough to throw the salt!
> Why can't you give good advice, instead of the same old stuff?
>
> Oh, and where did you put the dinasours?  They are all gone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, the dinasours, predecessor to the whiskeysours of
} today are indeed extinct. The only evidence of them is
} their cousin the saltrimmedtequila, a creature that adapted
} almost too well to changes in its environment. As for the
} birds, a salty tale only works on the tough ones, the
} others are best captured with a thick wallet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dimorphodon sandwich.


1397-10    (18ci5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The current US first class postage is thirty-seven cents. It has
> been this way a while, actually. But I have just noticed something
> odd about that fact. Observe:
>
>   /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
>  /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c /
>  \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \
>  / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== /
>  \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \
>  / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      /
>  \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
>  \      37c /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c /      37c \
>  / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== /
>  \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \
>  / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== /
>  \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / USA      \
>   \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
>  /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c /      37c \      37c /
>  \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \ ::====== / ::====== \
>  / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== /
>  \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \ ======== / ======== \
>  / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      / USA      \ USA      /
>  \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
>
> Eighteen stamps, three groups of six (6,6,6), have a total face value
> of six dollars sixty-six cents ($6.66). This must be significant
> somehow, and wise Oracle I implore you to explain what this entails.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the significance is that you have WAY to much freetime at your job with
} the post office as postage stamp counter. There is no signicance to
} either that or the clouds of sulpher comming from your bosses office,
} or the heat and flames you sometimes think you see in the break room.
} no connection whatsoever!
}
} you owe the oracle free shipping with UPS.


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