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Internet Oracularities #1398

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Internet Oracularities #1398    (50 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 10:33:02 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1398
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1398  50 votes 4ig75 5dh78 07kj4 18dhb 5fia2 5bg99 8fd86 39eg8 027ni 3dee6
1398  3.2 mean  2.8   3.0   3.4   3.6   2.8   3.1   2.8   3.3   4.1   3.1


1398-01    (4ig75 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My spirits soar as I read the words of the Oracle! I wheel as
> in a spry animated dance of Bacchanals when I think of the
> Oracle! BEHOLD, even now the tidings the Oracle gives are taking
> shape! Let us sit hushed and see what The Oracle has to say.
>
> What's your opinion on gun control/abortion/taxes/the best
> football team?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You like to dance around drunk when you think of me?  Wow.  I thought
} only Lisa did that...
}
} Anyway, I think you like to push buttons.  Here, you might want to try
} this one.  It's got a big, red, "DO NOT PUSH" on it.
}
} Don't... don't....
}
} *ZOT*
}
} You owe the Oracle a BBQ recipe for grilled supplicant.


1398-02    (5dh78 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happen to the -other- dinosaurs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The OTHER Dinosaurs?  Let's check with one of my authorized sources.
}
} - <click> -
}
} "Where are they now?  Skippy, Frankie, Lola and Jack, The Other
} Dinosaurs. Next on ET!"
}
} - <commercial break> -
}
} "They weren't quite as famous as Aladar, Littlefoot, and those raptors
} from Jurassic Park, but The Other Dinosaurs paved the way for their
} more famous cousins.  80 years after starring in roles from The Lost
} World, to the Ray Harryhausen classics to B movie matinees, ET asks
} 'Where Are They Now? (tm)'"
}
} "Skippy, was the stage name of Patrick Stephen Murphy, III.  After a
} brief career in front of the camera, starting as a stunt double for
} Godzilla, and graduating to Leading 'Saur status, Skippy decided to try
} his hand behind the camera.  He is probably best known for his Second
} Unit work, choreographing the 'running flock' scene in Jurassic Park.
} Later he took over as Second Unit Director in both of the JP sequels
} before retiring 2 years ago.  Today he lives in a quiet mansion in
} Bel-Air, shunning publicity and working on his memoirs."
}
} "Frankie lived as fast off the screen as he did on the screen.  Born
} Franklyn Booth, Frankie was known for his intense on-screen performance
} and inebriated brawls any time he was in public.  Following his abrupt
} firing from 'The Land That Time Forgot' he had a brief career in
} voice-overs.  As his career slipped, so did his personal life, three
} marriages and three divorces, all in a span of 5 years. A brief stint
} in The Betty Ford clinic didn't seem to help.  Reduced to providing
} recorded roars for children's toys, Frankie came to an untimely end,
} penniless, his career in ruins, Frankie was found dead in a culvert in
} Central Park, New York three days before Christmas, 1989."
}
} "Lola Partridge was Frankie's first love.  Even though she usually
} played stegosaurus to his tyrannosaurus, who can forget that steamy
} battle scene in The Land Unknown?  Not to mention how she nearly
} upstaged Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.?  Following her divorce
} from Frankie, she retired from movies, married an accountant, and is
} quietly active in a number of charities.  Shrewd management of her
} movie income has left her quite rich and allowed her to endow The Dino
} Institute, dedicated to the preservation of Dean Martin recordings."
}
} "Jack, the least well known of The Other Dinosaurs was born Theropoda
} Ornithomimosauria in a small island off of the South American pacific
} coast. He started out as a stagehand for Harryhausen Productions, and
} finally got his chance in front of the camera in 'The People That Time
} Forgot,' sequel to the popular 'The Land That Time Forgot.'  After his
} brief moment of fame, he went back to school, finishing college and
} going on to study for his doctorate, proving that even a walnut-sized
} brain and tiny forearms was no impediment to success.  With multiple
} advanced degrees in Medicine, Law and Philosophy, he worked briefly for
} the Red Cross, State Department and Trump Organization, before
} succumbing to a rare cancer of the tail.  He will be greatly missed."
}
} "So there you have it from fame to shame, story to glory.  That's what
} happened to The Other Dinosaurs."
}
} "Next up.  A sneak peak at Hollywood's latest teen singing, dancing and
} juggling sensation.  After this message."
}
} - <click> -
}
} So there you have it.  Who would have guessed - director, drunk,
} philanthropist and genius?
}
} You owe the Oracle a dissertation on dinosaur kinematics from stop
} motion to CGI.


1398-03    (07kj4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Is it true that you are more likely to die from a champagne cork than a
> poisonous spider?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In all honesty, the motivation for this query must be brought to
} into question.
}
} If you are asking in order to decide on the best method for an
} assassination attempt, you'll have to allow me to think "outside of
} the box" for a moment. A far more practical way to clip the mortal
} coil would be to use a high-calibre, powered firearm; my personal
} recommendation would be the BMG 5100 Long Range Rifle.  Preferably
} in relative solitude, with favourable atmospheric conditions and a
} downward angle to negate the effects of drag on a ballistic trajectory.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} If you're asking because you're actually curious, then ignore
} everything before the line.  A person is approximately three times
} more likely to be killed by a flying champagne cork than from the
} bite of a venomous spider.
}
} <Jedi handwave>The Oracle values human life and is incapable of
} divulging information that could hurt humans, even if it is fun
} watching their frail little bodies go "squish".  This email was all
} about puppies.</Jedi handwave>
}
} You owe the Oracle a character-witness testimony in a court of law.


1398-04    (18dhb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Behold the Oracle, though he has lived for eons he has the mental
> skills of one three times his known age! The wisdom of the Oracle is
> such that he could do nothing which will lower our regard for him!
>
> Are there any more Minotaurs left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in the foyer.
} Possible exits: south, east, down
} > look
} There are no items here.
} > s
} The south door is locked!
} > unlock
} Unlock what?
} > unlock s
} With what?
} > key
} You don't have a key!
} > unlock s
} With what?
} > foot
} You kick the solid oak south door.  It makes a dull thump.
} > e
} You limp to the east.
} You are in the drawing room.
} Possible exits: west
} > l
} You see a flashlight.  There is a doorway to the west leading to the
} foyer.
} > take flashlight
} Flashlight taken.
} > w
} You are in the foyer.
} Possible exits: south, east, down
} > d
} You head down the stairs.  The door shuts behind you, throwing you into
} darkness.  You are likely to be eaten by a minotaur.
} > use flashlight
} You flick the switch, but nothing happens.
} > shake flashlight
} You shake it furiously.  Nothing happens.
} > shake flashlight
} You shake it like a Parkinson's patient.  Nothing happens.
} > shake flashlight
} You shake it like a British nanny.  It turns on!
} > l
} You walk to the bottom of the staircase.  There are passages to the
} east and west.  There are minotaur droppings here.
} > e
} You are in the basement.
} > l
} You see a minotaur holding a key.  You wet yourself.
} > attack minotaur
} With what?
} > inv
} You check your pockets:
} 3 $10 American bills.
} A flashlight
} Some food
} Ring of power
} Roll of quarters?^W^W^W
} A scroll
} A pair of wet pants
} > read scroll
} You read the scroll under the dim light of the flashlight:
}          +------------------------+
}          |    SAVINGS WITHDRAWL   |
}          +------------------------+
}          | DATE     TIME          |
}          | 11/23/02 10:36AM       |
}          |                        |
}          | LOCATION               |
}          | 3190 Main St.          |
}          |                        |
}          | TRANSACTION #          |
}          | 004569                 |
}          |                        |
}          | CUSTOMER CARD          |
}          | XXXXXXXX4318           |
}          |                        |
}          | AMOUNT                 |
}          | $30.00                 |
}          |                        |
}          | BALANCE                |
}          | $1.37                  |
}          +------------------------+
} Nothing happens.
} > inv
} You check your pockets:
} 3 $10 American bills
} A flashlight
} Some food
} Ring of power
} Roll of quarters?^W^W^W
} A scroll of ATM RECEIPT
} A pair of wet pants
} > attack minotaur
} With what?
} > flashlight
} Are you high?! Y/N
} > n
} You hit the minotaur over the head with the flashlight.  Nothing
} happens. The minotaur looks at you quizzically.
} > give food
} You offer the minotaur some food.  The minotaur speaks:
} "Aren't you sweet.  I was getting hungry, don't mind if I do."
} The minotaur takes the food and eats.
} "Delightful.  Is that a hint of Unicorn flavor?  Yum."
} > take key
} You move to snatch the key from the minotaur.  You miss.
} The minotaur speaks:
} "Why don't we head out to the local for a lager and a curry?"
} Agree? Y/N
} > y
} You follow the minotaur up the stairs.  It unlocks the front door with
} it's key.  You head toward a small pub, the sign reads
} _The_Prancing_Pony_.  You and the minotaur take a seat in the back.  It
} orders a curry and a pint.
} > l
} You are in The Prancing Pony.  You see a minotaur and 2 empty pint
} glasses.
} > l
} You are in The Prancing Pony.  You see a minotaur and 6 empty pint
} glasses.
} > ;
} Invalid command
} > l
} You are in The Prancing Pony.  You see 10 empty pint glasses.  For the
} first time, you notice the minotaur's hazel eyes.
} > ;
} Invalid command
} > k
} Invalid command
} > .
} Invalid command
} You knock an empty pint glass over.
} You stumble into the restroom.
} > l
} You look in the mirror in disbelief.  Through the mirror you watch
} yourself touch your face, slowly realizing that you have the body of a
} human and the head of a bull.  You are the minotaur.
} Koo-koo-ka-chu.
} You feel less confused about some feelings you were having earlier.
} You make your way back to the table.
} > l
} You are in The Prancing Pony.  There are a large number of pint glasses
} here.  You see a slightly attractive minotaur in between two blurry
} ones.
} > l
} You are in The Pran
} You pass out.
} END OF ADVENTURE
}
} That should pretty much answer your question.  The minotaur population
} is flourishing, thanks in part to high fertility and an ample supply of
} Rohypnol.


1398-05    (5fia2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> Defender of the faith,
> defeater of the saxons,
> king of all of the britons,
> pray tell me...
>
> Is it true what they say about Merlin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He wore a purple dress all the time, he was very attached
} to his wand, he had long flowing hair, and he loved
} hanging out at the court with the Queen. Yes, it is true
} Merlin couldn't throw a hardball over home plate to save
} his own life. And that -is- why he suppressed the invention
} of baseball, denying the serfs and knights the everyday
} joy of Little League -- dooming them all to an endless
} existence of castle storming and tending the crops of
} distant warlords.
}
} You owe the Oracle a huge bat.


1398-06    (5bg99 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> Oooh, you are so big,
> So absolutely huge,
> We're all really impressed down here let me tell you,
>
> Should I change jobs now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No need.  Steve Jobs wears big boy underpants now and can
} take care of things himself.   They seem to grow up *so*
} fast, don't they?
}
} You owe the Oracle a wet nurse.


1398-07    (8fd86 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie,
>
> Where's my cow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SIR! We do -not- refer to the guides here at the Dolly
} Parton museum that way!


1398-08    (39eg8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most technologically advanced, please answer my question:
>
> Is there (or will be) a technology to losslessly compress audio CD
> material down to 32kbps?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, watch this:
}
} It's a world of laughter
} A world of tears
} It's a world of hopes
} And a world of fears
} There's so much that we share
} That it's time we're aware
} It's a small world after all
}
} It's a small world after
} It's a small world after all
} It's a small world after all
} It's a small, small world
}
} Now try and get that tune out of your brain.
} It's stored there and it takes up ZERO amount
} of space and can be accessed instantly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fifth of gin.


1398-09    (027ni dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Merry Oracle, who can have a holly, jolly Christmas without pricking
> himself on the pointy leaves, I've figured out your secret.
>
>                                     Santa      Internet
>                                     Claus       Oracle
> --------------------------------    -----      --------
>                         Immortal     Yes         Yes
>  Knows who's been naughty & nice     Yes         Yes
> Shakes like a bowl full of jelly     Yes     Undetermined
>                Long, white beard     Yes       Probably
>           Keeps exotic livestock   Reindeer    Unproven
>       Has many dedicated helpers    Elves      Priests
>
> So admit it.  You're really Santa, aren't you?  This Oracle business
> is just something you do to occupy yourself in the off-season, isn't
> it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before you get carried away, consider the following comparison
} chart:
}
}                                     Santa        Bill
}                                     Claus       Gates
} --------------------------------    -----      --------
}                         Immortal     Yes         Yes[1]
}  Knows who's been naughty & nice     Yes         Yes[2]
} Shakes like a bowl full of jelly     Yes       Cream pie
}                Long, white beard   False[3]       No
}           Keeps exotic livestock   Reindeer    Unproven
}       Has many dedicated helpers    Elves      Employees
}             Mail goes unanswered     Yes         Yes
}    Runs a worldwide organisation     Yes         Yes
} Gets user requests, but delivers
}        something else altogether     Yes         Yes
}    Distributes gifts to the poor     Yes         Yes[4]
}        Has an effective monopoly     Yes         Yes
}            Annual licensing fees   Cookies       Cash
}
} Notes:
} [1] Ever since that pact with.. oh, wait, I'm not allowed to
} talk about that. Sorry. Just take my word for it.
} [2] Everyone who runs Microsoft software and has an internet
} connection, anyway. "No personally identifying information",
} hah, there's a good one.
} [3] Sorry, but yes, Santa's beard is a false one. Didn't you
} know that the most common method for disguise for men is a
} beard? Did you really think that such a long beard would be
} natural? Off with the glasses, on with the contacts and the
} huge beard, and you look completely different.
} [4] Yes, really - the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is in
} fact the world's largest charitable organisation, and among
} (many) other things currently funds 90% of the world's budget
} for the eradication of polio.
}
} And a final clue:
}   - Many houses these days no longer have chimneys for Santa
}     to come down.
}   - Therefore, he needs an alternate method of entry.
}   - The easiest entry points to most houses are the windows.
}   - Windows is well known for being insecure, allowing easy
}     access by outsiders.
}
} How much more proof do you need?


1398-10    (3dee6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did you say, Mighty One?  My ear was cut off by Mr. Blue.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I said, did you know your ear has- oh, never mind.
}
} You owe the Oracle an original Van Gogh.


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