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Internet Oracularities #1399

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Internet Oracularities #1399    (47 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:00:02 -0500 (EST)

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   1399
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1399  47 votes 9c7d6 18cga 4gk52 09jh2 3cce6 457di 16ega 09dj6 09id7 3gc97
1399  3.3 mean  2.9   3.6   2.7   3.3   3.2   3.8   3.6   3.5   3.4   3.0


1399-01    (9c7d6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle before whom obscure celebrities bow down in horror:
>
> Why is Cartman an ass****?  Why is Kenny still alive?  Is Stan
> gay?  For that matter, is Mr. Garrisson gay?  Why does Jesus have
> his own tv show?  And what is up with them damn cows?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...this looks like a great opportunity to bring in some help from my
} old friends Matt Stone and Trey Parker.
}
} Trey, Matt, are you there?
}
} trey> yup
} matt> hi oracle!
}
} Did you bring the rest of the gang with you?
}
} matt> yes, they're all here.
}
} Excellent, then let's get right to the questions.  I'd like to take
} these in reverse order, as the cows only have a few minutes.
}
} First question, for the cows:
}   what is up with them damn cows?
}
} cows> Well Oracle, our characters are deeper than most people realize.
} I remember, the first day of filming, Trey gave us the script and all
} he said was, "nervous."  That was our whole motivation, I mean, that's
} all we had to go on.  And we built this, this...complex uh...backstory,
} that's implied throughout the show.
}
} Great.  I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the cows for coming
} out here and giving us a few minutes of their time today, I know you
} guys are busy.  Alright, next question, this one for Jesus:
}   Why does Jesus have his own tv show?
}
} Jesus> My show, well, my character's show, "Jesus and Pals" was written
} in as a way to introduce some amount of wholesomeness to the show.  When
} they approached me, they told me the premise of South Park, and told me
} they wanted to use it as a sort of clandestine way to spread
} Christianity.
}
} <Trey and Matt, BEHIND Jesus, look at each other.  Matt is obviously
} trying to hold back a laugh.  Trey sees this and starts snickering.
} Matt's eyes bulge and he starts convulsing>
}
} Oooookay...uh, next question for Mr. Garrison:
}   For that matter, is Mr. Garrisson gay?
}
} Garrison> Well of course he is, silly buns.  He walks the walk and talks
} the talk.  Not to mention having his hand shoved up a puppet's a-
}
} Whoa!  Okay, caref-
}
} Garrison> -behind.  Sorry.
}
} Moving right along:
}   Is Stan gay?
}
} ...
}
} Stan?
}
} Trey> Uh, sorry Oracle, Stan couldn't make it.  He said something about
} having to "feed the elephant" or something.
}
} Alright, we'll skip Stan and maybe he'll join us later.  Next question:
}   Why is Kenny still alive?
}
} Kenny> Jungf gur qrsvavgvba bs nyvir, ernyyl?  Vs gurerf na nsgreyvsr,
} gura jura jr qvr n zbegny qrngu urer ba rnegu, jr orpbzr nyvir va
} nabgure cynar bs rkvfgrapr.  Ner jr gura gehyl qrnq?  Yvsr vf jung lbh
} znxr vg.  Ovgpurf.
}
} Terrific.  And finally, our final question is for Cartman:
}   Why is Cartman an ass****?
}
} Cartman> When I signed on and read the script, I asked Matt this
} very question.  Why *is* my character such an ass****?  What the h***
} was that?  Ass**** - huh, I guess you can't say ass**** here.  Anyways,
} it's sometimes difficult, as an actor, to take on a character like
} this, because to do your job right, you have to make people hate you.
} I'm nothing like that in real life -- none of us are -- but sometimes
} people forget that.  So anyways, when I asked Matt about it, he said,
} "Your character is fat.  All fat people are ass****s.  It's in their
} thick, obese, chunky, fat-blood.  Their veins don't flow with kindness
} and caring like regular people.  No, it's all au jus and Crisco."  So,
} yeah, I realized then that Matt was right, and that was my motivation.
}
} Well folks, that about wraps up all the questions.  I want to thank Matt
} and Trey, Stan, Kenny, Eric, Jesus, and of course, the cows, for coming
} out here for a little Q and A today.  Thank you and goodnight!
}
} You owe the Oracle a reason why you asked about Stan's sexuality and not
} Butter's.


1399-02    (18cga dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Articulate words the Oracle utters, an antidote to the clamor and
> dissonance of our human attempts to understand the universe. Oh
> Great Oracle, tell me this please,
>
> What film did I see last night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I love a challenge. Let's see: a three-hour, epic love story! A
} simple story of boy-meets-girl, set against a dramatic backdrop.
} There's a lot of water involved, and ice. The leading lady is stunningly
} beautiful, and the strikingly handsome male lead looks just like...
} um...
}
} All right, I see where this is headed. How much do you want?
}
} You owe the Oracle all the copies of the tape.


1399-03    (4gk52 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, musical Oracle, King of the Silver Dollar, whose staff can create
> the most burning ring of fire!
>
> What would a country song written by one of your priests be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now since Orrie's gone vacation bound
} I'm in charge of the queue and I've found
} There ain't nothing they can ask that'll stop me
} I swear by the hard-drive's blinkin' light
} I know for sure I can do this right
} For The Queue it just can't get along without me.
}
} Got me a few softballs about 42
} a real love question, just say "I do"
} and a actual question that is new
} Oh Lordy how I love being at this keyboard
}
} And here's a question about evil 'chucks
} and here someone who desperately needs some yucks
} and a revolting query about tummy tucks
} But it's OK 'cause I'm a priest, and I can take it
}
} Now what's this here? A resubmit.
} And here's a MIME hater throwing a fit
} and someone implying I don't give a 100% of it
} Is this the thanks I get fer working night and day?
}
} And here's a tawdry question I don't like
} ZOT! ZOT! Take that Mr. Finger in the dike
} And Hey You! If you don't like it take a hike
} 'Cause The Queue, don't ya know, don't it show/
} The Queue it can't get along without me.
}
} --- Instrumental ---
}
} Now Orrie he's back from ancient Cathy
} brought us 'souvenir' stuff merchants gave away
} Says the queue's looks fine, now go away
} But how can I? Fooooorrrrrrrrr The Queue, yes
} The Queue it can't get along without me!
}                     ----
}
} You owe the Oracle an .mp3 of the hidden Buck Owens
} musical easter egg from "The Devil's Rejects" DVD.


1399-04    (09jh2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I think you are miraculous, unbelievable, remarkable, superb
> and magnificent. Plus you don't burp that often.
>
> If all the world's a stage who is the audience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The number of entities that have helped you humans survive over the
} years.  Most have left for other solar systems, but a couple have
} stayed around to see what will happen next.
}
} The primary watchers these days are:
}
} Thor -- Laughs hard when he sees something funny.  Tends to throw
} thunderbolts when not amused.
}
} Atlas -- Loves sports, especially physical ones.
}
} Aphrodite -- Likes the 'human interest' stories.
}
} Loki -- A little devilish at time; he tosses marbles onto the stage
} and see if anyone trips.
}
} Athena -- Enjoys murder/mysteries.
}
} This list is not complete; Huitzilopochtli and Ekchuah will show up
} when a good war is going on, and Pele loves natural disasters.
}
} It is not a big crowd these days but, face it, the show isn't very
} good right not either.
}
} You owe me a surprise ending -- it tends to draw bigger crowds, and I
} own the concession stand up here...


1399-05    (3cce6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who has never, ever been fooled in the entire epoch
> of man except that once, and there was a good reason: It is said
> "every time they build something foolproof, someone goes ahead and
> comes up with a better fool". Who is creating all these fools, and for
> what purpose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} See, there's birds. And there's bees. And when a Mama Bird
} loves a Daddy Bee very, very much. And they've know each
} other for a long, long time. And neither of them has a real
} serious disease or smells bad. Then, well, they get drunk.
} And later one of them sues the other for child support.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rocket scientist.


1399-06    (457di dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings and salutations from the great southern land
> (Australia), I seek your wisdom on the question which follows.
>
> In these testing times of "Political Correctness" what name shall
> a sailor now call a scupper (loose wench) and still keep a
> nautical historical tone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Salty Speak"
} - The Oracular Guide to Politically Correct nautical double entendres
} and relationship terms
}
} Abreast -- (speaks for itself)
}
} Adrift -- a loose man or woman, i.e. has just dumped/been dumped by
} boyfriend/girlfriend: "Yeah, he's adrift since last month."
}
} Athwartships -- the girl sitting on your lap: "So there she was, sitting
} athwartships..."
}
} Bitter End -- a breakup: "So we hit the bitter end and now I'm adrift"
}
} Brightwork -- what you buy as a present in hopes of return favors:  "I
} got her some brightwork for her birthday..." " As she pulled abreast I
} offered to polish her brightwork."
}
} Bulkhead -- chaperones or mothers-in-law:  "I ran right into the
} bulkhead."
}
} Catamaran -- twin hulls:  "Oh yeah, nice catamaran, that one."
}
} Cockpit -- (you really don't expect me to include this one do you?)
}
} Dead Ahead -- heading for marriage: "No, she's not available, she's
} headed dead ahead."
}
} Dead Astern -- just divorced:  "Now that his ex is dead astern, he's
} been hanging out at the marina a lot."
}
} Dinghy -- needs Viagra: "How's *your* dinghy?"
}
} Ebb -- Viagra's wearing off:  "Once the tide began to ebb..."
}
} Fathom -- trying to understand women:  "Don't try to fathom..."
}
} Forepeak -- a bit premature:  "Nice boat, but the girls were put off by
} his forepeak."
}
} Fouled -- married:  "Don't bother, she's fouled."
}
} Freeboard -- no wedding ring:  "Check it out... trim lines, shiny
} brightwork and freeboard."
}
} Grab Rails -- love handles:  "Good thing he had those grab rails, it was
} the only part she could hold on to."
}
} Hatch -- just wait 9 months and see:  "Best to batten that hatch a
} while."
}
} Headway -- what Monica did:  "They were caught making headway in the
} galley."
}
} Inboard -- in the bedroom: "They really should have been inboard."
}
} Knot -- clothing fasteners:  "Just slip those knots and get comfortable"
}
} Latitude -- how far he/she's willing to go:  "I know she had the
} latitude..."
}
} Longitude -- how much it'll cost to get there:  "... But I didn't have
} the longitude."
}
} Lubber's Line -- bad pickup line: "I couldn't believe that he walked
} right up to her and used that old Lubber's Line 'Hey, baby.  What's your
} sign?'"
}
} Midship -- anywhere indoors except the bedroom:  "They only made it to
} midship before the clothes came off."
}
} Mooring -- ropes, ties and handcuffs:  "His eyes popped when she pulled
} out the mooring ropes."
}
} Nautical Mile -- a measure of naughtiness:  "She was rated at 5 nautical
} miles..."
}
} Navigation Rules -- usually delivered by the girl's father:  "...but her
} father's navigation rules wouldn't let us get there."
}
} Outboard -- outdoors:  "They loved it outboard - in the woods, on the
} beach, on the deck."
}
} Piloting -- on top:  "Oh, and who was piloting?"
}
} Planing Hull -- thin, slightly built:  "She had a planing hull, not a
} catamaran, but made up for it in enthusiasm."
}
} Port -- orientation:  "After all those years at sea he tended to list a
} little to port."
}
} Privileged Vessel -- arrogant, or spoiled:  "He thought he was a
} privileged vessel but she set him straight."
}
} Quartering Sea -- surprise:  "He came home as on a quartering sea and
} caught her cheating."
}
} Rudder -- buttocks:  "I grabbed her rudder and she slapped me!"
}
} Running Lights -- see Brightwork
}
} Satellite Navigation -- maneuvering:  "The lights were out so we found
} each other by satellite navigation."
}
} Screw -- (don't even go there)
}
} Sea Worthy -- well put together:  "They were a sea worthy couple, she
} was quite the catamaran, and he was no dinghy himself."
}
} Stern line -- rear profile:  "All of the girls stopped to watch his
} stern line as he passed."
}
} Topsides -- on top, of course:  "She was a cowgirl and wanted
} topsides..."
}
} Underway -- on the bottom: "...and he was perfectly content to be
} underway."
}
} Waterline -- nautical pickup line: "He offered to show her his yacht and
} she fell for that old waterline."
}
} ----------------You owe the Oracle a nice catamaran, a following sea and
} a cold draft.


1399-07    (16ega dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, oh so wise,
>
> What can I give my teenaged son for Christmas.
> He seems to spend all of his time online, and doesn't want to do
> anything else.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dad! Look, I'm in here helping ALL of Mankind by
} channeling the Oracle. Ok, Ok, look 'channeling'
} may not have been the best word. No, it's not a
} cult. No, I'm not going to kill myself and embarrass
} you and Mom. Look, I either incarnate or supplicate
} for...DAD! It has nothing to do with sex. Well, yes,
} I -am- communicating anonymously with strangers. But,
} no, no they never ask to meet me in person behind
} the Piggly-Wiggly market. Sheesh. Ok, it's located at
} a university. Huh? I don't know Dad. Yeah, there are
} probably wild frat parties there, but this is all run
} out of some dimly lit corner of a dank sub-basement
} in Indiana. No, that's Dungeons and Dragons, this is
} nothing like that. It's funny. Like the other day
} this guy asked...Well, no. I don't know it was really
} a guy. Yes, I guess it could've been a nymphomaniac
} murderous female, but Dad I don't think nymphos spend
} a lot time online, just pudgy bearded geeks with
} glasses surrounded by pizza boxes. Huh? Christmas?
} Well, I would like to get a Ouija board & a black goat.
} Just kidding Dad, calm. Calm. Look, how about some
} O'Reilly books about...Huh? No, they have nothing to do
} with the IRA or strong drink Dad. Look, I need to get
} back to the queue. Yeah, NO. I'm fine. Shut the door
} on the way out will ya?


1399-08    (09dj6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Grand Oracle, please do tell me... Will Lady Bai Xue entice at the
> end Lord Raoh's love? Thank you, Oh Grand Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one of those age-old questions that has been bugging humanity
} for eons.  The test below is what all men, Lord Raoh included, mentally
} go through when evaluating a woman.  The answer to your question depends
} on the good Lady's results.
}
} Scoring: 5 points for A, 3 points for B, 0 points for C.  The AA in
} Question 6 counts for 4 points.
}
} 1. Cooking Skills
} A. Betty Crocker
} B. Frozen Dinners
} C. Aunt Abby Brewster
}
} 2. Beverage of choice
} A. Beer
} B. Whiskey, neat
} C. Anything requiring a blender or more than one fruit
}
} 3. Feeling about sports
} A. Leaves during the game
} B. Waits for commercials to talk
} C. Packer fan
}
} 4. Shoes
} A. 1 pair dress, 1 pair tennies
} B. 2 pair each: tennies, boots, dance, dress, sandals, pumps, heels,
} C. Yearly shoe budget >= GDP
}
} 5. Fishing/Camping
} A. Knows perch from walleye, loves ice fishing, tents are for sissies
} B. Will go fishing, won't bait the hook or take the fish off
} C. Drop me off at the hotel
}
} 6. Music
} A. Classical, Italian (not German) opera, Rogers & Hammerstein
} AA. 60's and 70's rock
} B. Ice-T, Ice-Cube, Vanilla Ice
} C. Likes both kinds: Country and Western
}
} 7. Her Friends
} A. Absolutely love you
} B. Generally leave you alone
} C. Refer to you as Al Bundy
}
} 8. Shopping
} A. Twice monthly for groceries, twice yearly for clothes
} B. "Come with so you can try these on..."
} C. Bus driver on the 6A to the Mall of America knows her by name
}
} 9. Jewelry
} A. "No, I've never heard of 'Cubic Zirconia'..."
} B. Birthstone earrings
} C. Diamonds are a girl's best friend
}
} 10. Makeup
} A. Lipstick and eyeshadow
} B. Base, blush, lipstick, eyeshadow, eyeliner, glitter*
} C. Has a Platinum card through Cover Girl
}
} * Okay, glitter can be hot when done right.
}
} Any ladies scoring 45 or better can conta...
}
} "Orrie?"
}
} "Uh, yes Lisa?"
}
} "What are you doing?"
}
} "Just answering supplicants dear."
}
} "What are you writing there?"
}
} "NOTHING!  I mean, nothing at all, sweetums."
}
} "Ooh, it looks like a quiz.  I love quizzes, let me look...
} <NO CARRIER>


1399-09    (09id7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because instead of rambling endless streams of nonsense
} they pancake jargon tango my solipsism entanglement for
} a quarter pound of tuna but nonetheless receiver of the
} enlightenment cart.
} You can also tell by the loss of... the loss of... erm,
} I had it on the tip of my tongue... Nevermind.
} The definitive sign is, of course, denial. You can take
} my word for it, they never admit it. Of course i'm sure
} of that, I'm not senile! I'm not!! Why, I've never felt
} younger... really...
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of diapers.


1399-10    (3gc97 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most cerebral Oracle, you that has never been late for a date,
> you that knows about the place we haven't got to where pi starts
> to repeat itself, moreover the Oracle is far funnier than twelve
> blue moons,
>
> How can I safely make lots of noise at midnight on New Year's
> Eve and not break any laws?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} South Pole.


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