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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:08:47 GMT

Internet Oracularities #14

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14, 14-01, 14-02, 14-03, 14-04, 14-05, 14-06, 14-07, 14-08, 14-09, 14-10


Usenet Oracularities #14
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 15 Oct 89 17:13:43 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


14-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Dan Quayle eat for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   For breakfast, Dan Quayle prefers Vice Crispies.


14-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do women *really* want?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several things, actually.
} 1) To eat and NEVER have to worry about gaining weight.
} 2) To have the `perfect figure'. (See 1)
} 3) To have a wardrobe akin to that of Imelda Marcos.
} 4) To have a challenging and rewarding career.
} 5) To be able to say, `Screw the children!' and have the (male and fully
} equipped) nanny take care of them.
} 6) To have a man who will always agree with her. (AND mean it!)
} 7) To have a man with a schlong as long as she can take, which can rise
} on request.
} 8) To have a man who knows when she wants it, and won't bother her at
} any other time.
} 9) To have a man who does the stereotypically female housejobs, and
} doesn't complain.
} 10) To have a man who is absolutely idiotic, and completely loyal.
} Think you can live up to 6-10? Thought not.


14-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is gras gren oricl.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} gras iz gren becuz the creator of this wurld haz sum artistik
} sensibility, and its a wunderful match for the bloo sky.


14-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I buy a textbook, pages 3-92 are always replaced by "Nurleen's
> Naughty Nookie", an uninspired porn novel without pictures.  How can I
> stop this pattern, or at least get the pictures?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a subtle (but ineffective) plot by the KGB to encourage young
} people in the free world to preoccupy themselves with sex and neglect
} their studies.  It is hoped that this will cause the economy of the free
} world to collapse as the GNP goes down while the consumer population
} increases dramatically.  The main problem is that the KGB cannot write a
} decent porn novel if their lives depended on it.  To counter this the
} CIA has made sure that all texts in the Soviet Union are now found to
} have every other page replaced with a page from "DEEP inside Kasha:  her
} innermost fantasies." (32 pages, 47 unique words, 12 full color
} pictures)
}
} To stop this pattern you must find a tall blonde from Minsk who is
} dressed in black leather.  Her name is Natasha.  She will say the phrase
} "If I vere to give you a jar of Wasiline and a feather duster, vhat
} vould jou do?" You response should be:  "Study."
}
} Be sure to bring along a video camera.


14-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you, oh great and mighty oracle, go about getting laid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I don't do that much anymore, but in my youth all it took was
} hanging around really successful deities and taking their `scraps'. (Let
} me tell you, an immortals scraps are better than most mortals' dreams!)
} I bedded many a nymph that way. (NOT nymphO, NYMPH. They were a RACE
} unto themselves, and BOY could THEY give head!)
} Of course, showing off didn't hurt, either. A few lightning bolts and
} pulling greater demons out of a hat sure helped me score, especially
} when we slummed with flies. (Term used to describe mortals. Comes from
} Mayflies. Get the picture?)
}   Then, when I was desperate, I'd summon up a nice Succubus. (Or is it
} Incubus? I could never get them straight. Quite embarrasing when I got
} the wrong one, though. I'm not like those Greek gods, I only swing one
} way!)
}   Of course, then there's the time me and Apollo went on a panty raid on
} Olympus... boy, you should have seen Aphrodite's... hrumph. Excuse me.
} You owe the Oracle "Ninety Ways to get a Woman in Bed: GUARANTEED!" by
} Slummo publications.
} The Oracle has reminisced.


14-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   How shall I find the Tao in this life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will seek the Tao on the mountains.  You will seek the Tao in the
} desert.  You will seek the Tao underwater.  You will seek the Tao on a
} spaceship to the Jovian moons.  You will seek the Tao in the arms of
} entirely too many lovers.  You will seek the Tao in the world's great
} libraries.  You will seek the Tao in the seminars of many New Age
} teachers.  You will seek the Tao in gin and whiskey.  You will give up
} your search.  You will then find the Tao in a sleazy pornographic
} bookstore in the Bronx.  Then someone will steal your wallet.


14-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need your advice, Oracle.
> See, I've been reading some Lovecraft, and I had typed in some of the
> more poetic sections. However, one of my encrypting programs scrambled
> the file.
> Surprisingly, the poem was still legible, though it didn't make a whole
> lot of sense. I began reading aloud, liking the sound of the phrasings,
> and waved my hands about to measure out the rhyme scheme.
> To the point; I now have a squid-like insect under my chair, four eyes
> staring at me from the darkness to my left, and something looking like a
> partially melted Tyrranasaurus Rex drooling on the monitor.
>  The squid is kinda cute. How do I get rid of the dino-sludge? It's
> getting hungry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, It is quite obvious how to get rid of BOTH creatures.  You have a
} dual method of doing things.  Encrypt is the opposite of decrypt.  So if
} you still have the screwed up encryption program.  Write a screwed up
} decryption program.  Read this aloud and follow the hand motions and
} Wall-ah, you have turned a summon into a banishment.
}
} But you say you only want to get rid of the dino-sludge, that is more
} difficult.  First around the squid being set up a type 4 pentagonal
} protection grid (you know the one that has the 5 candles and the gold
} and silver dust with the sheeps blood and the nutmeg) use your true name
} as what is to be protected from.  I suggest you use a type 9 demon name
} encryption routine; This will save you the trouble of revealing your
} true name to the squid.  Then do the instructions I gave you for the
} banishment.  Followed by getting a friend to remove the protection
} circle.
}
} Warning:  Do not use a type 8, 1, or 3 protection grid or your friend
} will not be able to remove it and you will have to get an enemy to do
} it.  That could be hard.


14-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is *really* my father?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not an area in which the Oracle can guide you. You must discover
} your true fatherly person on your own. But one suggestion: start the
} trail by reading _Are You My Mother_, by Dr. Seuss, and once you have
} that part down, the rest will fall into place.
}
} And a second suggestion: Your father is not Darth Vader.


14-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you throw a pencil hard enough to penetrate a human skull? (I've
> always wondered)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a good thing you asked someone with experience.
}
} Yes.  Sharpen your pencil first.  You should hold your pencil about a
} centimeter in front of the #2 sign, so that it's balanced and won't
} go in eraser first.  However, I recommend a mechanical pencil; They
} fly better.
}
} Aim for the ear.


14-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a good place to visit in San Francisco?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question you should be asking is why anyone would want to visit San
} Francisco.  Only those people that are not at one with themselves desire
} to travel.  These people seek to fill the gaps in their souls by
} traveling to other places, looking for enlightenment and happiness.
} They hope that each new place they visit will provide them with what
} they need, but instead are disappointed again and again.
}
} I, on the other hand, am so content with myself that I never move at
} all.  Not even to go to the bathroom.


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