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Internet Oracularities #1400

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Internet Oracularities #1400    (50 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Jan 2006 16:01:33 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1400
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1400  50 votes 28gk4 8laa1 259p9 036in 7aa9e 1bhd8 17kg6 7jg62 4dib4 2mh72
1400  3.2 mean  3.3   2.5   3.7   4.2   3.3   3.3   3.4   2.5   3.0   2.7


1400-01    (28gk4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are your best incarnations always in or from the UK
> or Australia?  (I can gather hints from language or
> spelling.)  The ones from the US always seem to mess up
> your thoughts, making you seem rude, crude or socially
> unacceptable.  Do you seek out Brits and Aussies especially,
> or are you just getting them through the luck of the Irish
> or whatever kind of good fortune floats around Indiana
> these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, they are all from Pakistan and India, mostly around
} Bangalore: that accounts for the Britishisms you noticed in the
} spelling and language.
}
} ... the rates on outsourcing were getting just too low for even me,
} the Wise and Munificent Oracle, to resist.


1400-02    (8laa1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Oracular Oracle,
>
> Is that it? I mean this whole Christmas thing, they've been going on
> about it for months, advertising, decorations, the whole "war on
> Christmas", and THAT'S IT? It's over? Seems much ado about nothing, to
> me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I could give you the whole "CHRISTMAS IS IN OUR HEARTS" spiel, or
} the christmas keeps on giving or whatever, but christmas is more like
} this
}
} Thanksgiving is overlooked
} Florida flights are overbooked
} Sales and discounts all around
} Bells are an annoying sound
} Santa knows when you pout
} Lights blink on and then go out
} Once the gifts are all revealed
} And all the cards are all unsealed
} New years day is the new big thing
} Stores are weary with return door ding
} The rest of the holidays go by fast
} And its Christmas time at last
}
} You owe the oracle the twelve days of christmas back after using that
} time for this poem


1400-03    (259p9 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest of Oracles,
>
> What is my sister on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see she's on:
}
} The Pep Squad.
} The Volley Ball Team.
} The French Club "A" list.
} Time, more often than not.
} Your parent's good side.
} Billy McGil... Oh dear.
}
} Oh double dear, something she's -not- on is the pill.
}
} You owe the Oracle an invite to the wedding.


1400-04    (036in dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 2.718281828459045 ^ (sqrt(-1)*pi) - 2.718281828459045 ^
> (sqrt(0-(2.718281828459045^2))*pi)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's all the mechanic had to hear.
}
} "Yep, that's one stuffed R-2 unit.  Stuck in diagnostic mode, I
} spose.", he drawled.
}
} Luke needed to get this droid fixed, and fast.
}
} "What's it going to take to get him working again?"
}
} "Well, you're gonna need a new alternator, serpentine belt, light-saber
} launching spring, retractable light-saber launch cover, speech unit..."
}
} "Speech unit?!", Luke interrupted.
}
} "Sure.  How else you gonna understand him?  When the speech module
} fries out, all they do is beep and whistle.  Sound like an old PS/2
} with a bad fan bearing and non-parity SIMMs."
}
} "You mean they don't normally sound like that?"
}
} The old mechanic looked at him quizzically.  "Heck no.  This little guy
} would be completely worthless without a speech unit.  Nothing more than
} a hard drive on wheels if ya ask me."
}
} All these years, thought Luke.  All these years I wondered why anyone
} would make a droid without a speech unit.
}
} "So ya want me to fix him or what?", the old man was obviously growing
} impatient.
}
} "Yeah, whatever he needs.", Luke hesitated.  He was still reeling from
} this last bit of information.
}
} "Ya want me to re-fuel his boosters then too?"
}
} "Boosters?!" Luke exclaimed.
}
} "Yeah, his booster rockets.  LOX tanks are bone dry."
}
} Luke was shocked, "You're saying these things can FLY?!"
}
} "Yup.  Not much sense having an R-2 unit that can't fly.  Nothin' but a
} talking hard drive on wheels if ya ask me."
}
} "Now you're just pulling my chain", Luke said.  "Next you're going to
} tell me he's got a holographic 3-D display module and can fire a blaster
} out his ass."
}
} "Blaster is only standard on the LS model."
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dune" on DVD.


1400-05    (7aa9e dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle must funny,
>
> These three guys go into a bar.
>
> And the first one says, "I can order a drink." So he goes up to the
> bartender and says, "Bartender, I'd like a drink."
>
> The bartender takes one look at him and says, "got any ID?" Oh,
> because the first guy wasn't old enough. None of the three guys are
> old enough to order a drink, but the first one said he would be able
> to order it anyway. But when he tries, the bartender looks at him. Got
> it?
>
> So the guy says, "no, it's in my other pants." But the bartender
> throws him out of the bar. And the other two guys laugh at him.
>
> But the Catholic guy goes, "I bet I could do it." He's thinking that
> the Muslim guy -- that's the first guy -- just didn't do it right.
> So the first guy was the Muslim, but he got thrown out because he
> wasn't old enough, okay? But the second guy is Catholic, and he says
> "I bet I could do it." Just pretend that Catholic guys could place
> bets, because the religion aspect really doesn't have anything to do
> with the joke.
>
> So the Protestant guy goes into the bar -- I mean, the Catholic guy,
> I'm not talking about the third guy yet, still the second guy. So he
> goes into the bar, and he puts a $50 bill on the counter and says,
> "Can I have a drink?" He's trying to bribe the bartender, see? So the
> bartender picks up the $50 and puts it in his tip jar. Then he looks
> at the first guy and says, "let's see" -- I mean, the second guy, the
> Protestant -- and says, "let's see some ID, Clyde." His name wasn't
> really Clyde, but that doesn't have anything to do with the joke
> either. Cindy, maybe, or Susan or Lucy. It doesn't really matter. The
> point was, she wasn't Clyde. But the bartender already had the $50,
> and the guy -- girl -- she's a girl, okay? But she knew she wasn't
> going to get a drink, because she didn't have ID. I mean she DID have
> some ID, but it showed she wasn't old enough to drink. So she leaves.
> I mean, the bartender throws him out too. So now there's two guys that
> were thrown out. And the other two start laughing at him. Her.
>
> But then the Jewish guy, he gets this great idea. Saul, let's call
> her. I mean, him. No, let's make her name Charlotte, but my point is
> that the second guy -- girl -- was Jewish. Not that this has anything
> to do with the joke, really; that's just how we're going to keep the
> characters straight. So Saul gets this great idea.
>
> Wait -- did the second guy go in yet? This is the third guy, alright?
> But he's this jewish girl that has a really great idea. First she
> wraps his ends around each other and tucks herself in -- because she's
> a string, did I mention that? So she wraps herself around and tucks
> herself in. Then she takes out a comb and combs his head, only he
> breaks a few strands as he combs it. Then he walks into the bar -- you
> have to believe that strings can walk, see. Oh yeah, and the bar has
> a sign up, it says "No strings allowed." That's why the other two
> strings got thrown out, they were strings, but the bar doesn't allow
> underage strings. Any strings. And the bartender can tell a string
> just by looking at them. But this second string -- sorry, third
> string, he's tied in a knot, and then he goes in to the bar and orders
> a drink.
>
> And the bartender takes one look at him and says, "where's your ID?"
> so the third guy takes out his ID and the bartender looks at it. But
> it says "String", see? So the bartender asks, "are you a string?"
>
> And the string looks him right in the eye and says, "no, I'm afraid
> not!"
>
> Do you get it? "I'm afraid not!" It sounds like, "no, I'm a frayed
> knot!" 'Cause he tucked himself end over end, and used his comb to
> fray some of his strands, now he's a frayed knot!
>
> Get it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dan Quayle's second career as a stand-up comedian was
} mercifully brief. Unlike his jokes.
}
} You owe the Oracle some painkillers and $US 1500, for
} making him read that.


1400-06    (1bhd8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most, you know, omniscient...
> you know my question...
> well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if the local groundwater is within EPA standards.
}
} You owe the Oracle an auger.


1400-07    (17kg6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most enlivened and robust, you are like a crazed hare
> of impeccable knowledge bouncing about the barren wasteland of
> dull human ignorance,
>
> What will be the WAY COOL HIP things of the year 2006?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beat the rush to the cutting edge, supplicant.  Here are the must-haves
} for the coming year:
}
} Implanted LEDs.  Turn your body into a walking disco lighting system,
} flash suggestive or obscene words on your forehead.  If someone asks
} why you think the sun shines out of your butt, you can bend over and
} show them.
}
} Generator shoes.  Every step you take provides electricity for your
} increasing arsenal of electronic widgets.  Just for kicks you can build
} up static and make your hair stand straight out from your body.
}
} Remote-control sex toys.  Whoo!  Who just pushed your button?
}
} Virtual Environment glasses - rather bulky in their first iteration,
} these gadgets get lighter and smaller, enabling you to strap one on
} your noggin and view the world not through rose-colored glasses but
} digitally enhanced and augmented ones.  Change your Humanites classroom
} into a steamy jungle, your dismal apartment into a tropical paradise,
} and the people around you into cartoon characters, movie stars or
} flesh-eating zombies.  It's your world, man.
}
} Home Cosmetic Surgery kits - Nowadays anyone can hang out a shingle and
} start doing liposuctions or pumping silicone into someones lips or
} butt. Why pay someone else when you can do it in the privacy and
} comfort of your own home?  You might practice on the dog or cat or
} neighborhood kids, just to make sure you've got the hang of it.
}
} Sea Monkeys.  Actually they've never gone out of style, but for some
} reason 2006 is their year to shine.
}
} Hope that helps with the shopping list, supplicant.
} You owe the Oracle a Chia Pet shaped like that chick in Terminator -
} Judgement Day.


1400-08    (7jg62 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh mighty Oracle I beg a favor - will the Bengals win the Superbowl and
> if so can I get the spread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This may come as a shock to you, just as I was once surprised (the only
} time ever) when MIT won the Harvard-Yale game.  The Red Sox will win.
} I know this is difficult for you to discomprehend.  It's even hard for
} me, and (as you know) I am somewhat omniscient.  So just trust me, and
} don't bet on anything except a sure winner.
}
} You owe the Oracle your story of how you managed to collect your
} winnings, if any.


1400-09    (4dib4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
> of terse replies,
> with endless waving brain,
> with purple zots for those who would
> insult you every day!
>
> Oh Oracle, Oh Oracle,
> Shed your grace on me,
> and crown the good in archivehood
> from sea to shining sea!
>
> So, do I win the theme song contest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is bewildered.  Was there a theme song contest?
}
} *mumbling to assistant* *listening to assistant*
}
} Apparently, Hermes has mis-directed your query in time.  The theme song
} contest doesn't even begin for another 17 years, after the 10th season
} celebration of my sitcom on the WB.  We'll save your entry, though.
}
} You owe the Oracle some temporal stabilizing-insoles for Hermes's
} sandals.


1400-10    (2mh72 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle great and vast
> Whose knowledge knows no bounds
> Why oh why does the caged bird sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you are referring to one of the best known, largest selling,
} and least read, books in modern Western literature.  Why read
} something of substance, when there are DaVinci Codes and Harry
} Potters clamoring to distract us?
}
} As it happens, I read the book, and I do know why the caged bird
} sings.  Well, I guess it might be fairer to say that I have a
} pretty good idea of why the caged bird sings.  I suppose it's more
} of an inkling really; I'm not a bird, myself.  But even as a non-
} avian, I have a fair appreciation for why the caged bird sings.
} You don't have to have feathers, after all, to possess an intellectual
} hold, in a general way at least, of why the caged bird sings.  Birds
} do not possess any monopoly on singing when caged, and a taste of that
} can be had even by those never incarcerated.  I have interviewed one
} particular bird of my acquaintance, and while I may not be able to
} generalize with perfect accuracy why *the* caged bird sings, I can
} definitely tell you why *a* caged bird *has* sung at one or more
} particular points in time, in certain caged locales.  I am far from
} mixed up over why the caged bird sings; indeed I have a remarkably
} good grasp.  I can discern several reasons why the caged bird might
} sing, and while it may be problematic to ascertain which of these
} has absolute primacy over the others, I do have my suspicions.  When
} you have eliminated the impossible regarding singing birds in cages,
} Dr. Watson, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
} With my vast knowledge of winged creatures, and not a little experience
} with cages, it is possible to put two and two together with regard to
} the issue of why the caged bird sings.  I have surmised, to a fair
} degree of accuracy, within appropriate parameters of course, about
} cages and singing vis a vis birds.
}
} Vis avis, get it?
}
} Yes, I have more or less sussed out why the caged bird sings.  It
} has something to do with black females being oppressed in the
} American South in the 1930s.  The birds down there were apparently
} the first to speak up, errr sing up, about this scandal.  The ones
} in cages, living with black females in their homes.  We owe the
} caged birds of the Depression-era South our thanks.  And decades
} later they still sing, self-righteous little twerps that they are.
} Listen to them, and be uplifted, and then go fight Global Warming.
}
} I hope this explanation helps with your term paper.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lavender taffeta dress.


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