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Internet Oracularities #1401

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Internet Oracularities #1401    (45 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 07 Feb 2006 15:10:17 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1401
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1401  45 votes 6ee83 05gf9 17ci7 59h95 2gc87 16ff8 2adb9 3aec6 5dg83 03ffc
1401  3.3 mean  2.7   3.6   3.5   3.0   3.0   3.5   3.3   3.2   2.8   3.8


1401-01    (6ee83 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will this guy with the mohawk stop using my laptop?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When wigs fly.


1401-02    (05gf9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh mighty oracle who knows all sees all and always changes your
> underwear every day! Please tell me: I used to be an incarnation quite
> a bit years ago, and was digested many times, did well and had fun. I
> thought I would start again, but all I can come up with are stupid
> answers, pointless reference and depressing commentary. are my days as
> a good oracle incarnation over and done with? how can I restore my
> connection to the wit and wisdom of the oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Okay, class, here's an interesting assignment for you. Here we
} have someone digested numerous times in the past, but now is burnt out.
} Any suggestions?
}
} Rebecca: Ick. How'd he get digested writing like that?
}
} Philip: Yeah, let's just attack him for his inability to use proper
} grammar or line breaks.
}
} Oracle: Ah? Is that fair? That may well be all right for 3.4-averaging,
} o++ incarnations like you, but we're trying to provide advice for this
} poor, burnt-out incarnation. And it's no good picking on someone's
} spelling or grammar when you're own is just as bad.
}
} Brian: So we provide him with a list of answering techniques?
}
} Nicole: Too bland. Present it as a scientific study.
}
} Eric: Or a comparison chart. Everybody loves those, right?
}
} Rebecca: How about a cheesy advert offering "101 Surefire Incarnating
} Techniques!"?
}
} Brian: Oh, you mean like "Yes of course, Mr. Famous Person, blah blah
} blah, cheap shot"?
}
} Philip: Oh yes. Just about anything mentioning a cat gets Erwin bloody
} Schroedinger involved.
}
} Eric: Parodies are always good.
}
} Oracle: Ah, parodies. There's rich potential there, but you have to
} tread carefully. Unless you know your source material well, and adapt
} it well to your situation, it'll often fall flat. Still, there's no end
} of take-offs of Monty Python, Star Trek, Gilbert and Sullivan, Lord of
} the Rings, Edgar Alan Poe, and so on ad nauseum.
}
} Nicole: Invented histories are fun. Or predicting the future.
}
} Rebecca: Text adventures?
}
} Eric: Pretend the supplicant asked something slightly different.
}
} Philip: Or even totally different.
}
} Brian: Let's invoke some deity and get into an argument with them.
}
} Oracle: All right, these are all good potential answers. Now consider
} that this question is about the oracular process itself. So what do you
} think about using meta-humour?
}
} Rebecca: You mean like, an answer which involves a bunch of people
} discussing potential answers?
}
} (Long pause.)
}
} Nicole: Nah, it'll never work.


1401-03    (17ci7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and mighty Oracle who sees and knows all,
> should I open the green door?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, if we examine the question logically,
} we can replace it with the simpler but equivalent question:
}
} "Does the supplicant want what is behind the green door?"
}
}  - Sub-question: "What does the supplicant want?"
}  - The supplicant has asked the Oracle a question.
}  - Therefore, the supplicant wants an answer from the Oracle.
}
} The next iteration of the question is therefore:
} "Is there an answer from the Oracle behind the green door?"
}
}  - No. The Oracle answers by email.
}
} Therefore, supplicant, the logical answer to your question is:
}
} No. You should read this email instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better logical framework for answering
} questions, and a detailed explanation of what is wrong with
} the current one.


1401-04    (59h95 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Prognosticatingly efficient Oracle, you are especially good about
> predicting the future, not just the past.
>
> I'm a meteorologist, that is, a weatherman, and I need your help.
> You've seen the TV weather reporters.  Well, I'm the guy who writes
> the words they say.  They don't know much about the weather, but I
> sure do.  On the other hand, I'm not always a good typist, and
> sometimes a few errors creep into the script.
>
> Last week the script was supposed to say GUSTY WINDS.  (Yes, I know it
> looks crude to write in all caps, but that's the way we do it in the
> TV weather business.)  Someone's fingers slipped, and it came out
> GUTSY WINOS.  The weather announcer caught the error as she was
> reading it, and all the viewers saw was a badly suppressed giggle.
> She figured out the right words, of course, because the vocabulary is
> so limited.
>
> Now I've become the butt of all the "stupid weatherman" jokes that
> anyone can remember.  They're even attributing the day that folks had
> to shovel two feet of partly cloudy (that heavy snow back in 1947 in
> Boston) to me, and that was long before I was born!  That was *radio*,
> not TV.  E. B. Rideout might have done that, not me!
>
> I've been thinking, it just might serve them right if I could get some
> chubby street drunks to show up at the studio.  But I don't know any
> of them, not at all.  I spend my time watching the sky and the
> computer, not talking to random low-life beggers.  I'm afraid that I
> might get hurt or something.  Could you somehow make all the
> arrangements?  There should be about ten of them, and they should show
> up, bottles of cheap wine in hand, at about 5:30 in the afternoon,
> next Thursday, at Studio B.  I'll make sure they get fed, or whatever.
> Just don't promise them Hennessey Three-Star cognac, because I'm not
> that rich.  You'll do this for me, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could only get five of them. You can get them all twice, if you like.
} The guest list will include:
}    Lisa
}    Og
}    Tim Chew
}    Zadoc
}    Zog
}
} You owe The Oracle 10 bottles of Hennessey Three-S...
}
} Okay, that was a bit predictable, wasn't it? What's with all these
} formulaic questions and even-more-formulaic answers lately? What's
} up with that?
}
} Zadoc! Og! Lisa! Get your butts in here now!
}
} Zadoc> Oracle, I sprawl before thee! I am not good enough to kiss
}     your...
}
} Yeah, whatever. It's all starting to sound the same.
}
} Og> Or-a-cul make in-jokes.
}
} What?
}
} Og> Or-a-cul make in-jokes.
}
} Yeah, that's been done to death already too, hasn't it?
}
} Og> Or-a-cul say...
}
} Cut the crap. Can we just get out of character for a minute?
}
} Og> What is your problem?
}
} Zadoc> Isn't it obvious? Everything that the in-joke characters can
}     possibly do, has already been done.
}
} Og> Everything?
}
} Zadoc> Look through the Oracularities. Zadoc's done every disgusting
}     thing that can be done. It's immortalized there. What the f... what
}     the heck more is there?
}
} Lisa> Excuse me...
}
} Look, we're supposed to come up with something witty. But even if we do
} say something witty, if it's the same thing over and over it isn't
} witty anymore. I mean, we all laughed at knock-knock jokes when we were
} 5 years old. Do any adults still laugh at them? It's not that they
} aren't funny anymore... it's just that we heard them all, with minor
} variations. All of them. Every last one.
}
} Og> Okay, sure. But come on... you're saying that there isn't ANYTHING
}     new that we can possibly do? That's just ridiculous.
}
} Zadoc> Okay, smart guy, you come up with something.
}
} Og> Look, I heard that somebody wanted to shut down the United States
}     Patent office. Not some crackpot, but somebody famous... a
}     president or something. That was in, like, the early 1900s, I
}     think. Can you imagine what the world was like then? No television,
}     no computers, no panty-hose, no...
}
} Lisa> Excuse me...
}
} Zadoc> Bill -- I mean, Og -- what has that got to do with this? There
}     was no Internet Oracle then either!
}
} Og> My point is that whenever you think you've thought of everything,
}     you're getting tired, because there's ALWAYS more that you can
}     think of. ALWAYS.
}
} So how are we going to handle this clown... I mean, this supplicant?
}
} Lisa> Hey! [Whistles loudly] EXCUSE ME!
}
} What?
}
} Lisa> Tim Chew isn't an in-joke character... and who the heck is "Zog?"
}
} Zog> Didn't you get the memo?
}
} Lisa> No.
}
} Zog> I'm the baby of Zadoc and Og. Zadoc-Og, Zog. Get it?
}
} Lisa> That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of!
}
} Zog> Why?
}
} Because they're both male!
}
} Og>    Because   we're both male!
}
} Lisa>  Because they're both male!
}
} Zadoc> Because   we're both male!
}
} Zog> Hey, I didn't write this sh-
}
} Watch it!
}
} Zog> Sorry. I was saying, I didn't write it. I didn't even read the
}     whole thing... maybe it was an alternate-universe type of thing...
}     but c'mon, that isn't exactly the strangest thing around here, is
}     it?
}
} You know, he has a point.
}
} Zog> Can we take it from the top of scene 1?
}
} Let's just say we did it already.
}
} Tim Chew> Excuse me... am I in this scene?
}
} [Incarnation AllanW]
}
} Aw, what the heck... I guess you DO owe The Oracle 10 bottles of
} Hennessey Three-Star cognac after all! Well, those are the breaks...


1401-05    (2gc87 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "How much wo-" *WHACK*
> Oracle Help me!
> "How much wo-" *Whack*
> You're my only hope! *Whack*
> "How much wood" *whack* *whack*
> How do I get rid of all these woodchucks?  They're all OVER my
> keyboard and everything.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear supplicant.  How long have we known each other?  My, yes a long
} time...  come sit here, in this booth near the quieter section near the
} rest rooms.
}
} There comes a time in one's life where... it's hard to put this in a
} way you might understand, but... do you remember... hold on--
}
} No, I don't know where your mommy is.
}
} -- sorry.  Okay, as we were saying-- STOP LOOKING AT THE SKEE BALL.
} This is very important, supplicant.  Now, do your remember back when
} you were younger?  Back in the days when you were playing in the ball
} pit, and times were simple?  You asked for a computer, and --
}
} No, sorry.  We already had our pizza.  You might want to try that party
} over there.
}
} --sorry.  You asked for a computer and-- STOP LOOKING AT THE GIANT
} MOUSE, and pay attention!  There's a good supplicant.  Now, you asked
} for a "big boy computer" and your mother and I thought it would be
} better if, at that awkward stage in your ADHD treatment that we'd take
} you to Chuck-EE-Cheese and tell you that the Whack-a-mole was the
} keyboard to your brand new computer, and the ice cream machine in front
} of it was a new game.  Now, you have gotten old enough to learn that --
} wait, stop picking your nose. Thank you.  Yes, you can have more tokens
} in a minute.  Just pay attention.  See, when you wanted a "big boy
} computer," Lisa and Zadoc expressed their fears of giving you access to
} one in a subtle way, I think, by extreme screaming and hysterical
} laughter.  So, now that you have gotten old enough to... where are you
} going?  No, you can't have more soda.  You have had three cups al-- you
} spilled them?  [sigh]
}
} Yes, you may go back to typing on your computer.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Tylenol and some long tool to fetch your
} sneakers from the crawling tubes in the ceiling since you refuse to go
} up there again because you said, "some kid barfed and it's all gross."


1401-06    (16ff8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great mystery
> Teller of the future-y
> Knower of all history
>
> What did Socrates say after he drank deadly hemlock?  Val Kilmer would
> have us believe he said "I drank what?" but I am unable to verify his
> sources.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well suplicant, lets just make a quick visit back to ancient Greece
} circa 339 BC and see it for ourselves.
}
} *FADE IN*
}
} Scene: A quiet square in Athens. A table is set in the middle, on which
} is set a wine bottle and two cups. Sitting at the table is Socrates and
} an unknown Tyrant in Black. They both take a cup and drink.
}
} Tyrant in Black: You guessed wrong.
}
} Socrates: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I
} switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell
} victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get
} involved in a land war in Persia, but only slightly less well-known is
} this: never go in against a Philosopher when death is on the line! Ha
} ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha - *THUD*
}
} *FADE OUT*
}
} You owe the Oracle an abridged version of the works of Aristotle.


1401-07    (2adb9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle most recursive
>
> I was going to ask why there were no questions in the queue, but then I
> realised that my asking of the question would cause the question to be
> null and void, thus negating the need for an answer.
>
> Therefore, would you mind sharing your views on kittens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you put a kitten in the queue with a bottle of cyanide gas, and rig
} up to the Oracle's inbox so, if someone sends a woodchuck question (a
} 50% chance at any given moment), the kitten perishes...
} ...
}
} well, that certainly wouldn't be very nice.
}
} You sick, twisted bastard.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new kitten.


1401-08    (3aec6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look, I drove all the way to Armadillo Texas looking for the answer,
> and then I found out that you, the supposedly all-knowing and
> omniscient Internet Oracle, had the answer all along.  I felt like an
> idiot.
>
> What kind of dumb-ass do they take me for, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The kind that would drive to Armadillo Texas


1401-09    (5dg83 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and fearsome Oracle, who knows what I had for breakfast this
> morning, and is ashamed of me for it, what is the best way to exercise
> off a cheese-and-syrup covered waffle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put waffle-filled plate on table.  Hoist waffle to mouth with fork,
} exercising elbow muscle.  Move jaw to eat, exercising jaw muscle.
} Eat until done.  Repeat.


1401-10    (03ffc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most funny,
>
> I notice there hasn't been a lot of Oracularities lately.
> There were only 3 in December and one in January.
> Does that mean there haven't been a lot of funny questions
> and/or answers lately?
>
> I sent in a question on Thursday October 20, 2005 at 9:51 AM.
> You answered it at 1:17 AM the next morning.
> Yet that's one of the ones that showed up in the January!
>
> What's up with that?
> Why are your priests waiting so long to pick articles for the
> Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I find it hard to believe that there are still supplicants out there
} so naive that they think oracularities are selected by a priest and
} then, lo and behold, they appear in the digest. There's a lot more
} to it than that, Sonny Jim! I run a quality operation here, I'll
} have you know. Here's a simplified breakdown of the digestification
} process:
}
}  1. Priest scans one week's worth of oracularities. Duration: 1 week.
}  2. Priest undergoes therapy. Duration: 3 weeks.
}  3. Priest submits selected oracularities to Scrutiny Committee.
}     Duration: 1 hour.
}  4. Scrutiny Committee checks question and answer for:
}     a. Previous appearances in the digests.
}     b. Plagiarism and/or copyright infringement.
}     c. Incitement to racial, religious or woodchuck hatred.
}     d. Absence of humorous content.
}     e. Scurrilous references to Delphic Research, Inc.
}     f. Patentability.
}     If none of a. to f. applies, go to step 10. Duration: 2 weeks.
}  5. If a. or b., Scrutiny Committee initiates ZOT procedure.
}     Duration: 2 days.
}  6. If c., Scrutiny Committee notifies Homeland Security and/or
}     Humane Society. Duration: 1 week before the black helicopters
}     arrive.
}  7. If d., Scrutiny Committee returns oracularities to priest and
}     suggests s/he get a humor transplant. Priest undergoes more therapy.
}     Duration: 6 weeks.
}  8. If e., Scrutiny Committee undergoes therapy. Duration: 8 weeks.
}  9. If f., Scrutiny Committee resigns, sets up hi-tech startup
}     company and becomes unimaginably wealthy at your expense.
}     Duration: 2-5 years, depending on availability of venture capital.
} 10. Scrutiny Committee submits suitable oracularities to Steve
}     Kinzler. Duration: 1 day.
} 11. Steve Kinzler returns oracularities to Scrutiny Committee and
}     suggests they all get a humor transplant. Scrutiny Committee
}     undergoes more therapy. Duration: 9 weeks.
} 12. Steve Kinzler begins to compile digest. Duration: 2 weeks.
} 13. Steve Kinzler is hauled before University Disciplinary Board for
}     spending far too much time on this Oracle nonsense and not enough on
}     the day job. Duration: 3 days.
} 14. Steve Kinzler undergoes therapy. Duration: 4 weeks.
} 15. Steve Kinzler completes digest. Duration: 1 week.
} 16. Digest released. Duration: 1 minute.
} 17. University mail server goes down. Duration: 5 hours.
} 18. Digest received by reader. Duration: 12 seconds.
} 19. Digest read by reader. Duration: 3 minutes.
} 20. Reader sends email to Steve Kinzler suggesting he, priests,
}     Scrutiny Committee and anybody else even marginally involved in the
}     process get a humor transplant. Duration: 25 minutes.
} 21. Steve Kinzler initiates ZOT procedure. Duration: 6 minutes.
}
} So there you go - the entire digestification process lasts at least
} 22 weeks, 4 days, 6 hours, 35 minutes and 12 seconds, usually much
} more. Your question showed up disturbingly fast, indicating the
} process was not correctly followed in this case. Please delete it
} and never ever mention it again, or we'll be forced to notify
} Homeland Security.
}
} You owe the Oracle a humor transplant and some therapy.


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