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Internet Oracularities #1402

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Internet Oracularities #1402    (45 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:06:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1402
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1402  45 votes 08bfb 3cbd6 32fk5 3l9a2 6bi55 27jb6 bgc60 39fc6 2eia1 45fab
1402  3.1 mean  3.6   3.2   3.5   2.7   2.8   3.3   2.3   3.2   2.9   3.4


1402-01    (08bfb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I'm on this diet, trying to loose wieght, and I eat one little 1.5
> oz chocolate bar and I gained 15 pounds. What do you think...
> WADE-A-MINIT not only do I gotta grovel, but you might be visiting
> Europe or some other difficult place where they count funny. I'd better
> translate my measuremints into the System International. That's
> backwards because it's French. If it was Austrian it would be upside
> umop.
>
> So let's see, there's 8 furlongs per fortnite. And 12 pence in a
> shilling, and a shilling extra in a guinea. So if we divide by the area
> of the Governor of Massachusetts, and subtract the reminder, we come
> pretty close to the right answer. Of course I like your answer, too.
> What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I can see where you would get confused. Let's see: there are 16
} ounces in a pound, but a pound buys 1.45 euros; silver is measured in
} troy ounces; Helen of Troy's face launched a thousand ships; it's 20000
} leagues under the sea and three miles in a league; I would walk 500
} miles, and I would walk 500 more. On the other hand, there are 13
} players in a rugby league side, and rugby league is a popular sport in
} Australia. Australia, of course, is also known as Oz, which is the
} abbreviation for ounce. This means we have to turn everything upside
} down, which means selling the euro, but the exchange rate has risen in
} the meantime, so we finish up gaining 15 pounds. Simple, isn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a silver and emerald ring.


1402-02    (3cbd6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Magnificent Oracle, whose toenail clippings *never* fly
> off onto the floor and stab you in the foot in the middle of the night;
> whose knowledge in all subjects (even Hydrodynamic Modulation
> Voltammetry) is unparalleled; and who always spells onomatopoeia right
> the first time......forgive my humble utterances but:
>
> What's up with the sudden love of w**dch*cks?
>
> In the Oracularities Digest #1401-10 one of your incarnations said the
> process for digestification includes:
>
> "4. Scrutiny Committee checks question and answer for:
> c. Incitement to racial, religious or woodchuck hatred."
>
> and
>
> "6. If c., Scrutiny Committee notifies Homeland Security and/or Humane
> Society. Duration: 1 week before the black helicopters arrive."
>
> What's this? The oracle wanting to protect the foul and evil W**dch*ck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, the woodchuck is a hearty yet crafty species, defeating
} the attempts of hundreds, if not thousands, of supplicants and acolytes
} to comprehend its ways.  The Oracle has grown tired of listening to
} the moans, groans, and whines of the defeated and has thus initiated
} an intensive two-part program intended to put an end to the ongoing
} conundrum.
}
} First, the Oracle has banned all research (except its own) into
} the ways of the woodchuck.  This measure will serve to protect the
} innocent would-be investigators and to clear the way for the Oracle's
} own research.
}
} Second, the Oracle is taking steps to understand the mysterious ways
} of the woodchuck using Hydrodynamic Modulation Voltammetry.  As you
} no doubt are aware, this electroanalytical technique is an extremely
} sensitive way of detecting and comprehending trace species within a
} solution, using high intensity ultrasound to modulate a mass transfer
} regime in a periodic manner.
}
} The Oracle will place deep vats of an experimental (and tasty!)
} solution in regions known to be inhabited by woodchucks.  The vats will
} be labelled "Free Drinks" to attract woodchucks, since, as everyone
} knows, a woodchuck is a sucker for a free drink.  When a woodchuck
} climbs the vat to claim its libation, it will pass by an automated
} toenail clipper.  When triggered, the clipper will snip off a bit of
} the woodchuck's toenail.  At this point, two events will occur with
} near simultaneity:
}
} 1. The woodchuck, startled by the onomatopoeic sound of its toenail
} being snipped, will fall into the vat of solution, becoming (thanks
} to being the only one of its kind in the vat) a trace species.
}
} 2. The toenail will strike the clapper on an ultrasonic bell and
} rebound, transferring its mass into the vat.
}
} As the toenail transfers into the vat, it will pass through the region
} of high intensity periodic waves produced by the bell, allowing the
} Hydrodynamic Modulation Voltammetry apparatus to detect and comprehend
} the woodchuck.
}
} So fear not, brave supplicant!  As always, the Oracle has plans within
} plans, and soon the ways of the woodchuck will be understood.


1402-03    (32fk5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most organised, who knows in but an instant all that is
> contained within the Archives of the Oracularities Digests:
>
> Why is the search engine for the Digests broken? Us mortals are having
> a hard time finding things.
>
> And hey.... shouldnt you know its broken anyway, what with being
> omniscient?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Omniscience has nothing to do with it. I disabled the Digest search
} feature on purpose.
}
} People have been searching the archives for gems of wisdom rather than
} ask me directly. I confess I get a little cranky when certain questions
} are repeated, but in general I prefer to be asked. Especially after a
} good grovel. Besides, no Oracle likes to have his predictions archived.
} It's too easy for skeptics to go back and prove how wrong... I mean, to
} quibble over wording to make it sound like I was wrong.
}
} You owe the Oracle a disappearing inkjet cartridge.


1402-04    (3l9a2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Delightful but occasionally overbearing Oracle, you
> know so much that it makes my head hurt.  I get
> flummoxxing brain spasms just trying to think about how
> someone can know all the omniscient stuff that you
> must have crammed into your huge skull.  Your forehead
> probably bulges out beyond your nose.  Croikers!
>
> I need you to tell me some of the deep, dark secrets
> of the Universe, especially as related to socks and
> horses.  The easy one is the socks.  When the dryer
> eats one of a pair of socks, where does it go?
>
> How does my horse know that it I need him to hold
> absolutely still for three seconds (for instance),
> so that I can clip the lead rope to his halter, or
> so that he won't get hurt when the vet gives him an
> injection, that he should toss his head at about 2.25
> seconds?  And what does my horse know about the socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see... The rule says Oracle replies to only one question at a
} time. That saves us all from confusion. Occasionally, he may decide
} to answer to two questions at once. The answer is usually quite
} disturbing and entangled in mystery. In the most rare of all
} occasions, he would take the frivolity to reply to THREE questions
} and the answer is so revealing and sacred that the Internet, being
} the medium delivering the message, could get scared and try to hide
} the words.
}
} So, here your THREE-question answer goes:
}
} Dear pondering user,
}
} Having ........... in the ........... would ........... in the rest
} of ..........., causing ..........., which in turn
} causes ..........., which leads to the quite strange phenomenon
} of ........... . Being a smart guy, you should always ...........
} and ..........., before ........... giving it to ........... . As you
} see, it's quite simple, yet unorthodox solution. Having lost a lot
} of ........... myself, I'm very happy with it. Of course, never
} forget to ........... the ........... .
}
} As for the 2.5 seconds rule, it has something to do with the stupid
} way horse's brain works - ........... and ........... the ...........
} all the time.
}
} Happy to help, hope you come back.
} Yours,
} ...........


1402-05    (6bi55 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Honey? Do I look fat in these?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drone #1: Check it out.
}
} Drone #2: Yeah, the queen is talking to her food again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rimshot.


1402-06    (27jb6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh good *ZOT*er of evil, evil *ZOT*er of good and mad *ZOT*er
> of everything!  Uniter of chaos and law!  You who make Pelor
> look like a level 0 gnome and J.R.R Tolkien look as
> unimaginative as a supplicant asking about w**dch*cks!
>
> So, our DM got sick and we need a stand-in.  Are you available?
> Free pizza, bring your own beer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fortuna, can you come here a second? Yeah, lean your ear in.
} psspsspsspss - What? No! - psspsspss. psspss. psspsspsspss?
} psspss - Leave Lisa out of this! - psspsspsspsspss - drunken nerds?! -
} psspsspssPSS!
} But I don't want to deal with them!
} psspsspsspss? pleeease?
} Great, thanks. Yeah, I have dice.
} --
} Well supplicant, I had a talk with Lady Luck. Yup. Just for you.
}
} Is the Internet Oracle available as the DM?
} *rolls dice*
} No.
}
} Oh well.
}
} But I'll stop by for pizza. And you owe me a beer.


1402-07    (bgc60 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Honey, where did you put my socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Across the Circling Seas, beyond the Burning Sands of Kahl- "Tom
} Cruise" (his real name is !Xf'gugryaFloprple) is in fact an alien
} from the fourth planet of the Tau Ceti system sent here as part of
} a group to pave the way for the invasion in 2008. The plan calls
} for each member of the group to gain fame and/or notoriety (other
} members of the groups include Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton) so
} that when the invasion commences, every human being will be glued
} to their television 24 hours a day watching the escapades of these
} devilish clever infiltrators without noticing what is really going on.
} Sic transit gloria mundi.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sleeping mask and a pair of ear plugs.


1402-08    (39fc6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most mentally turbulent and intellectually obscure,
>
> Where is the best place to hide a dangerous idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The usual place is inside an innocuous bromide or cliche.
}
} All's well that ends well, and the end justifies the means.


1402-09    (2eia1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when I am a supplicant I cannot get
> away with omitting a grovel, but when I am an
> incarnation, the Oracle forgives the lack of a grovel
> nearly all the time?
>
> Oh, I almost forgot.  I grovel before the Oracle,
> bowing so low that I trap my nose beneath his awesome
> throne.  Don't flush.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem you are describing is akin to the problem one encounters
} when trying to reconcile the Old and New Testaments of the Christian
} Bible.  On the one hand, you have the traditional Oracle, a mail
} program written by Steve Kinzler made sentient by the countless queries
} from thousands of worldwide contributors; on the other, a bitter,
} irritable, somewhat impotent deity created from the psychic
} frustrations of thousands of science-fiction-and-fantasy nerds,
} complete with a prepackaged mythology and the accouterments thereof.
}
} It is up to you to decide which is the "true" Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a CPU upgrade and some additional disk space.


1402-10    (45fab dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great, wonderful, fantastic, absolutely stupendous, super,
> awesome, lovely, gorgeous, sexy, majestic, large, better than the
> president of squaresoft, the great and powerful wizard of Oz. Please
> answer my question with your great and powerful...answer.
> How many sugarcubes does it take to get to the moon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not many, if you do it right. To get to the moon with sugar cubes, you
} would heat them to 122 degrees centigrade (252 degrees Fahrenheit),
} and then allow them... oh, but you didn't ask how to do it, just how
} many sugar cubes it would take...
}
} Sorry about that. Did you ever notice how certain people give you
} long-winded answers to the most simple questions?
}
} For instance, just yesterday I was on my way to the grocery store with
} a group of my friends (I often go to the store with my friends, just
} to keep them company) and someone asked, "how much do eggs cost?" The
} simple answer would have been "$2.25 a dozen" -- not a very good
} price, I realize, but we weren't going to a low-price grocery store.
} We were headed to the Handy Mart on Main Street, not far from the
} University of Indiana -- maybe you've been there? No? Well, it's very
} convenient, but not exactly low cost. The eggs there are $2.25 a
} dozen, and they usually only have a couple dozen, and sometimes
} they're a week old! But that's not why we usually go there. In fact,
} best to avoid the eggs.
}
} Anyway, someone asked about the price of eggs, and my friend Millie
} tried to answer, but she started talking about the types of eggs they
} had, and the cost of different types of packaging, and how you could
} really get a much better price at a different store, even if you
} bought the same size package, but if you were willing to buy 30 eggs
} at a time you could do EVEN BETTER, because of bulk pricing... by the
} time she got this far, she completely forgot what the original
} question was. Can you imagine it?
}
} It's not just Millie, either. Sometimes I even find myself doing it.
} Why, just this morning someone asked me what movies were playing at
} the local theatre, and I started to tell them what movies there were,
} but somehow I got to comparing current movies with classic movies from
} the 1980's or 1970's or 1960's or even the 1950's, and even the movies
} of the 1940's, which mostly weren't in color (or colour in England --
} I wonder why the Brits spell it "colour" but Americans spell it
} "color?" Omniscience means that I know everything that CAN be known,
} but I don't know that, because nobody else knows either. So there are
} limits to omniscience.) But anyway, the movies of the 1940's had some
} really great plots. A lot of these movies get remade, and it seems
} like the only advantage of the new version is the color, because the
} acting sure isn't any better, and sometimes when they try to "update"
} the plot they end up ruining it! Don't you hate it when that happens?
} But anyway, after I had been talking for a few minutes I suddenly
} realized that I hadn't even told what all the movies were! I guess
} that happens to everyone sometimes, but I guess I do it a lot, and
} certain people have an EXTREMELY irritating habit of telling me
} EXACTLY how irritating my habit can be. I hate that! They could just
} say "thank you," that's a universally recognized way of hinting that
} you don't want any more answer. But no, they have to be SOOOO RUDE!
} Why do people enjoy rudeness so much, so long as they're not on the
} receiving end? It's because they're NOT on the receiving end, I guess.
}
} Anyway, back to what you asked... about getting to the moon? I think
} all you really need is a few sugar cubes. If you want, you can ask me
} how to get there with sugar cubes, or how many you would need, or even
} what brand of cubes would be best, but I don't want to be presumptuous,
} since that's not what you asked.
}
} [Incarnation AllanW]
}
} That reminds me...
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of all of the movies of the 1940's and
} 1950's and 1960's where the main characters were in the kitchen, not
} necessarily using eggs or sugar cubes... like the one where George
} Burns was trying to talk to Gracie Allen, but she was busy in the
} kitchen... she was boiling water, pouring it into hot water bottles,
} and then putting the hot water bottles into the freezer. She did this
} four different times before George Burns finally asked her why she was
} doing it. And she said, "in case I want some hot water, all I have to
} do is take it out of the freezer and..."
}
} But I'm sorry, I'll let you make the list. Go ahead. I'm listening.


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