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Internet Oracularities #1403

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1403, 1403-01, 1403-02, 1403-03, 1403-04, 1403-05, 1403-06, 1403-07, 1403-08, 1403-09, 1403-10


Internet Oracularities #1403    (37 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 15:56:14 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1403
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1403  37 votes 3bca1 14ed5 08de2 37g92 07dc5 4i843 4k850 4bd72 3dd80 6b893
1403  2.9 mean  2.9   3.5   3.3   3.0   3.4   2.6   2.4   2.8   2.7   2.8


1403-01    (3bca1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you're wise and great.
> your wisdom's given to you by fate.
> Will you tell me why I sneeze,
> whenever someone eats pepper, please?
> The doctor says I'm not allergic,
> but still I sneeze. It's most disturbing.
> Even when I'm inside the mall,
> if someone opens pepper down the hall,
> my eyes puff up, and soon: A-choo!
> Tell me, Oracle, what can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sneezing, or as those eggheads down in the Otolaryngology Department
} like to call it "Sternutation", is caused when something irritates the
} nerve endings on the inside of your nose.  It can be anything pollen,
} dust, pepper, presidential inaugural addresses etc.  This irritation
} makes your nose want to "Bend it like Beckham" and kick the little
} tickling buggers out of there, hence the sneeze.  Unfortunately, this
} info does not help you much as a sneeze leaves the mortal nose at
} approximately 100 miles per hour. (Be thankful you are a mortal.  Do
} you remember Pompeii?  Hephestus breathed in a little too much sulfur
} and look what happened.  It took seventy years to clean up the mess and
} by then no one wanted anything to do with the place.  Too bad too cause
} there was this great little place where you could get an incredible
} crepe with fried apples..... Ahhh!) Anywho, the Oracle advises you to
} stay away from pepper and always carry a clean hankerchief.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crepe with fried apples.


1403-02    (14ed5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Long Playing and Hard Working Oracle, you are one groovy cat,
>
> Do muons know anything, anything at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As we all know, with wisdom comes knowledge and with knowledge comes
} understanding and you only get wisdom when you age.  As muons have a
} half-life of 2.2 microseconds, then we have to assume that its actual
} life occurs after they get out of college at about .003 ms.  At about
} .007ms they have settled down and gotten married and panic when their
} spouse tells them that they are going to need to buy a minivan.  At
} approx. 1.3ms, the kids are leaving the nest and they think their
} half-lives are going to be getting back to normal.  It takes them a
} while to figure out that it isn't easy to go from being a full time
} care giver and provider for a few lazy, worthless beatnik, particles to
} a cool, swinging active particle again themselves.  Then they come to
} the conclusion that they will never be cool again.  This is the
} beginning of wisdom and the cycle continues from there. By 2.0ms, they
} are settled in assisted care facilities for aging particles and their
} no good kids don't visit and they spend their time wondering where they
} left their glasses.  At this point, most of the understanding gained by
} the muon is lost in the effort to remember what they had for breakfast.
} (Oatmeal with raisins, by the way.  And their glasses are on the
} beside table where they were last time.)  When you get to this stage,
} it isn't a good idea to ask a muon for the secrets of the universe or
} the answers to tomorrow's physics test.  It will just frustrate you and
} confuse them, if they can hear you that is.
}
} You owe the Oracle Gordan Freeman's crowbar.


1403-03    (08de2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Merciful but unfair Oracle, you zotted my brother but you spared me.
> Now all I have for a brother is a pile of dust. Do I still have to
> invite the pile of dust for Christmas dinner? What if my wife vacuums
> him up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am surprised supplicant that you have not parsed out the logic of
} this, all the information you need exists in popular culture.
}
} Your brother is dust, and as you know, "everything is dust in the
} wind", whether that wind is from the vacuum, or trees sneezing.  As
} long as your brother is dust in the wind, you are powerless.  The
} answer is simple.
}
} You must break the wind.
}
} Do this before Christmas dinner though, because you simply cannot break
} wind after you cut the cheese.
}
} You owe the Oracle the keys to that apartment you let your now dusted
} brother use.  Not the fancy one you live in, the Flat You Lent.


1403-04    (37g92 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> FORE!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you must be referring to the race from highland Papua, New Guinea.
} Their population was ravaged in the early 1900s by a prion disease
} known as Kuru, or the laughing sickness. The disease's spread was
} exacerbated by the practice, common among the Fore, of mortuary
} cannibalism, eating their dead. The disease--
}
} *WHAM-CLUNK-bounce-CRASH-tinkle-tinkle*
}
} IDIOT! You nearly hit me! And you ... you ... you broke my window and
} shattered my vase! FOOL! I should have *known* better than to try to
} answer a question submitted without groveling.
}
} See, *this* is why I always require a minimum of thirty seconds of
} groveling before answering a question. From now on, the minumum will
} be *forty-five* seconds of groveling.
}
} And you ... of all the nerve. What punishment shall I exact from you?
} Hey, stop running. Get back here. *Poof* That's better. Stick around a
} while.
}
} Hmm, zotting you would be letting you off easy. No, you need a nice,
} slow, painful death. No, even death is too good. You need some form of
} eternal suffering.
}
} An eternety sucking lava through an iron straw? Technical support work
} until the end of time?
}
} No, something better.
}
} I sentence you to an eternety of listening to Britney Spears
} recordings and Tom Cruise interviews.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new golf club.


1403-05    (07dc5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, supreme Oracle, creamiest of the creamy, sweetest of the
> bittersweet chocolates made by Godiva and other fine chocolatiers,
> please indulge my taste for knowledge and offer your sage wisdom:
>
> I went to an expensive, private, prestigious (EPP) law school in the
> hopes that (a) I would grow up in three years and figure out what
> I really wanted to do in life (b) I would land a job as a hotshot
> corporate suit making so much money that I didn't care that I lost
> my soul or (c) that the world would come to a calamitous end prior
> to my graduation, precluding the need to repay my debts.
>
> None of these has happened, and graduation fast approacheth.  What,
> oh Oracle, should I do with my life?  It seems like my dream jobs of
> elven wizard an d orcish warrior are difficult to find in the want ads.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are obviously not looking in the right papers.  Let me dig out my
} most recent copy of Fantasy Weekly, here.   Ah.... here are a few that
} might appeal to you.
}
} -Wanted: Young Naive Hobbit Warrior willing to ferry dangerous objects
} through orc infested territory to destroy said objects and save middle
} earth.  Great luck is a must, big watery eyes are a bonus.  Contact
} Elrond at the Last Homely House (111) 435-6732.
} -Wanted: Magician willing to undertake a dangerous ocean voyage for the
} chance of treasure immeasurable.  Contact Sinbad at (534) 673-9797 for
} an interview.
} - Wanted: Fairy Godmother needed to protect small kingdom from invading
} barbarians and turn pumpkins into carraiges.  Magic wand is a necessity,
} wings aren't needed, reliable transportation is required.  Contact Cindy
} for details (333) 432-1434.
}
} If these don't appeal, then you may be stuck being a lawyer.  You can
} still fight evil, but these demons will be wearing Armani suits and
} Rolex watches.
}
} You owe the Oracle one ring to rule them all.


1403-06    (4i843 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He is Oracle  Man!
>
> Has the greatest mind!
> Can see all, is never blind!
> Does not sleep at all,
> try to trick him, you will fall!
>
> Everyone wants him!
> He just stares at the world!
> Enjoying his venegance
> that he already did unfold!
>
> Now the time is here
> for Oracle Man to spread fear!
> Venegance from Indiana!
> Supplicant squashed like banana!
>
> Heavy staff of ZOT
> makes his victims very hot!
> Running as fast as they can
> Oracle Man strikes again!
>
> (OK, I know, but for us mere mortals, rhyming isn't _that_ easy.)
> So what would differently coloured sabbaths be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                          OK but your rhyming just stinketh.
}                             This has just got me to go thinketh.
}                            The words are too corney for childreth.
}                               It just all sounds much too abhorreth.
}                                 The pitches don't even mesh welleth.
}                                         In all it just really plain
}                                         sucketh.
}                       Please make sure that it gets spell checkith.
}       And above all, please have it go make some senseth.
}
} Now to answer your question.
}
} Simply take the input of the exact number of degrees measured in a
} prograde direction along the ecliptic - of - date from the exact center
} of the actual solar disk at the exact moment of the first external
} tangency of the apparent upper solar limb to the sky above the apparent
} visual horizon of any day - in - question which is an exact positive
} multiple of seven Earth rotations since the Creation of the Heavens and
} the Earth at the exact location-in-question , to the First Point of
} Aries-of-date and then throughputing that figure by dividing that
} figure by three hundred and sixty degrees ( while counting any exact
} conjunction of the First Point of Aries - to - date with the center of
} the actual solar disk at that said time which might be true as zero as
} opposed to three hundred and sixty ) and then  throughputing that
} result by multiplying said result by ( one / three million and three
} hundred and thirty and three thousand and three hundred and thirty and
} three and one-third ) ^ th of one meter and then throughputing that
} result by adding that result to ( one / two million and five hundred
} thousand ) ^ ths of one meter plus Titanic and finding the exact
} color of the electromagnetic continuum which has the exact wavelength
} of this result ( which is measured in meters ) as the said result ,
} therefore reaching the absolutely , glaringly obvious solution output
} color which will be valid for the whole continuuity of exactly one
} full Earth rotation from such said event .
}
} There you have it.The official formula for calculation of the official
} sabbath color of any sabbath past,present,and future.
}
} You owe the oracle the an official color for tomorrow which will be
} glaringly obvious to all sapient life forms. Also a ZOT...


1403-07    (4k850 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, O Great and Whatever Oracle!
>
> My grandmother says, "One hand washes the other."
>
> My mother disagrees, and says, "One eye watches
> the other."  I think she's got too much spying
> on the brain.  She used to work for the NSA, the
> NSS, the FBI and the FDR.  Or something like that.
> Now she reads Tom Clancey novels.
>
> If either of them right?  If so, what use can I
> make of their wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually I'd select all of the above, because that's how I aced through
} a college exam after copying off this harvard wannabe next to me.
} Though I do admit her answers were superbtaculous. On to your
} question, when an elder gives you this so called "advice", you can
} always pretend to listen, this method is called "One ear out the
} other". I shall show you how to use this method, it's as old as rocks.
}
}   First you smile and nod. And quote to the elderly
} "Yea...oh....really? ....wow....oh?...yea..." repeat this phrase until
} they stop talking. Works everytime, and about how useful that advice
} your granny gave you?...I dunno, I was using the technique above,
} except I wasn't using the proper wording.....yea....oh....really?...supe
} r...wow....yea....great....uhuh....yea....
}
}   You owe the oracle hearing aids.


1403-08    (4bd72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There have been women named Tuesday (like Tuesday Weld) and
> of course April, May and June.
>
> Can you give me a few brief biographies of women named
> Wednesday, Thursday or Saturday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't care if Monday's blue
} Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too
} Thursday, I don't care about you
} It's Friday I'm in love
}
} Monday, you can fall apart
} Tuesday Wednesday broke my heart
} Thursday, doesn't even start
} It's Friday I'm in love
}
} Saturday wait
} And Sunday always comes too late
} But Friday never hesitate...
}
} I don't care if Monday's black
} Tuesday Wednesday heart attack
} Thursday never looking back
} It's Friday I'm in love
}
} There you have them all.
}
} You owe me a posting in alt.sex.goddess.lisa.friday


1403-09    (3dd80 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are earth-shattering in importance, rumors of your
> every move dictate the rise and fall of the world stock market,
> you are the stuff of which history is made.
>
> Was Daisy as sad she seemed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle wrote:
}
} She didn't get a carriage on her wedding day and she had to leave her
} wedding on the back of a two person bicycle.  Wouldn't you be sad about
} that?
}
} You owe the Oracle a penny in his shoe.


1403-10    (6b893 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who is always truthful and honest to a fault.  Most
> magnificent Oracle, who understands fully - nay, omnisciently! - the
> full legal implications of the matter.  The world-renowned Internet
> Oracle! ...whose prints were found on the staff!!
>
> Where were *you* at 7:30 a.m. on February the 2nd??!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On Earth. You too? Oh, the chances.


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