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Internet Oracularities #1404

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1404, 1404-01, 1404-02, 1404-03, 1404-04, 1404-05, 1404-06, 1404-07, 1404-08, 1404-09, 1404-10


Internet Oracularities #1404    (42 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2006 09:22:12 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1404
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1404  42 votes 57c7b 17ic4 18he2 28hc3 348gb 178ga 3cba6 8dc63 24fg5 4dg54
1404  3.2 mean  3.3   3.3   3.2   3.1   3.7   3.6   3.1   2.6   3.4   2.8


1404-01    (57c7b dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever thought that they could have done it in the car more
> than once? I mean they just look SO HAPPY at the end. All laughing
> and giggling and everything as they come running outside. Could all
> that happiness really have come from just one consummation? I know
> that humans will never know for sure but you know everything there
> is to know so you should be able to answer my question. There's a
> lot more time for them to do this stuff then it might seem at first.
> After all from the flying sunset to the last icy pre-disaster kiss
> there was about 5 hours. We know this because the sunset at that
> latitude and time of year would have been about 6:30 pm. So that's our
> first timepoint. The second timepoint is at 11:40 pm (duh!) So that
> gives an approximate space of 5.1 precious hours.  I'd assume they
> took half an hour at most kissing upfront. We can only guesstimate how
> long they took in their room so we can just saaay oh about an hour.
> Then they left right away because that henchman came back.  So I
> mean how long does it take to get chased and by the time they're done
> they're already in the car. Finally we know that they just ran back
> outside because they were laughing their fricking heads off at their
> close escape and practically kicked the door down on the way out.
> A few minutes later and their lives changed forever. So they had
> three-and-a-half whole hours alone with each other in the privacy
> and comfort of their very own private car to the stars. And we get
> to see just a few minutes ofit.(drat.) With that much time together,
> the passion that they shared and finally the sheer joy of their big
> escape then I would be really suprised if they did not do it TWICE.
> Three times seems like a little too much but twice fits just perfectly
> within the timeline provided us. And it does beg the question.
> What would they have done afterwards if the whole "gotcha" episode
> had never happened? I don't know about you but I believe that they
> would have consummated once more and then cuddled and gone to sleep.
> ( why didn't they open the windows first?  ) And it is also safe to
> assume that the middle scene actually shows the intermission and not
> actual consummation as many have supposed it does.  Omygosh this makes
> so much sense as they were really sweaty and tired and he looked a
> bit too far from her for them to be connected. Ah logic:) So that
> would preserve an unwritten thing that for all their passion shown
> the deepest ones will forevermore remain their juicy little secrets,
> never again to see the light of day. Thus concludeth my dissertation on
> why it is most logical to assume double consummation for the legendary
> car scene.Amen.
> So, what do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try decaf.


1404-02    (17ic4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle you are more resourceful than ten soothsayers, more
> scintillating than twenty-nine geniuses and more astonishing
> than a kingdom saturated with gurus,
>
> Why doesn't the neighbors dog crap in -their- yard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you remember, when you were about five years old... when you were
} happily walking down the street, and there was a woman coming the
} other way with her dog? And you, being a typical child were bored
} and  hot on this summer's day... and so as the dog went past, you
} poked it in  the side?
}
} Don't remember?
}
} Well the dogs certainly do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fake fur coat.


1404-03    (18he2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Inflammatory Oracle, Ruler of Uighurs, Halter of horses, Cubit of
> iron and rope of three plies,
>
> I cannot think of a good plotline for my futuristic science fiction
> novel. I have gotten as far as deciding that the main character is
> bored and disaffected and has a boring life. Maybe he has kids that get
> into some trouble. What happens after that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I took the liberty of writing to the famed PO box
} in Schenectady for you, and received these answers:
}
} 1. Martian sentient gumballs invade Cleveland, but
}     are driven off by three boy scouts who have learned
}     advanced knot-tying skills, armed with their dads'
}     old carbide caving lamps.
}
} 2. Venus wobbles in her orbit and a large glop of
}     purple Venusian jungle voitch launches into space
}     and lands in Cleveland, where it goes unnoticed,
}     growing slowly until it reaches mating season.  The
}     boy scouts are helpless, but members of the Cleveland
}     Ladies' Rugby and Knitting Union smother it with
}     affection and it dies.
}
} 3. The Cleveland Sympathy Orchestra, bored with
}     Severance Hall, takes up residence in the home of
}     a bored science fiction author, and causes him to
}     stumble into Hugo-award-winning plotlines, only
}     to discover that he has thus become a slave of
}     the Uber-Mind from the Planet Gargle that orbits
}     Barnard's Star.  He is transmogrified.
}
} Next time, pay for your own Schenectady subscription.


1404-04    (28hc3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' sublime, striking, glorious Oracle, help me will you please,
>
> If beauty is only skin deep then is everyone ugly inside?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is mostly a matter of personal preference and tastes, of course.
} But let us imagine for a moment... Miss America contestants are usually
} quite stunning.  Would Miss America be ugly without her skin?  Sure,
} the evening gown and swimsuit competitions might get a little... messy.
} But ugly?  Imagine when she is finally chosen and walks majestically
} up the platform with her crown...
}
} There she is, Miss America
} There she is, your ideal
} The sinews of a million girls
} Who are more than kidneys
} May show you their intestines and veins
} Oh she may turn out to be
} The queen of endocrinology
} There she is, Miss America
} There she is, your ideal
} With so many vertebrae
} She'll take the town by storm
} With her all-American skull and spleen
} And there she is
} Walking without skin she is
} Fair even within she is
} Miss America
}
} Hmm.
}
} Yes.  Everyone is ugly inside.
}
} Ew-www.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for The Willies.


1404-05    (348gb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are your thoughts on October 23, 4004 B.C?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here we are, the oldest known Oracle Digest. This
} fragment of a clay tablet is the one you alluded to.
} Let's see, wow. Ha, ha. Oh, you don't read ProtoUrukian?
} No problem, I'll translate.
}
} =============================================
} Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid
} From: Stevur UrKinz <Stevur>
} Subject: Talking Clay Uracularities
}
} To find out all about the Talking Clay Uracle (ur), including
} how to participate, give gold to a priest while uttering the
} magic word "urhelpheresgoldforu!"
}
} Let us know what you like!  Hand your ratings of these 12
} Uracularities on a scale of 12 ("urgly") to 60 ("ursome!")
} with some gold to a priest.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid
} From: The Urakle
} Subject: Uracularity first read
}
} Selected-By: Priest Teem-EMHairchewur
}
} The Uracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Mnay Yearz I strive to ScribE B, yet No I am
} > workinG four the Court? Why!
}
} And in response, thus spake the URacle:
}
} } There's a flat end on your stylus for a reason Onager-
} } breath. Don't be so lazy, go back and correct your mistakes.
} }
} } You owe the Uracle some gold.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid
} From: Talking Clay URacle
} Subject: next Utterance
}
} Selected-By: MageURdark
}
} The Talking Clay URacle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > My son! My beloved son has gone to a city(?) where it is
} > said are homes as big as hills. And where men will give
} > a man beer for shiny rocks or flint. What am I to do, I am
} > a poor man.
}
} And in response, thus spake the URacle:
}
} } Look for shiny rocks.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid
} From: Talking Clay URacle
} Subject: next Utterance
}
} Selected-By: URLice with an UR
}
} The Talking Clay URacle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > In the sky I saw a light! It moved against the firmament.
} > Bright and then dim it was. Then I found my sheep gutted
} > and fouled and my wheat field had a pattern most, most
} > marvelous to behold trod in it. Now I have no flock and
} > little wheat left. What am I going to do?
}
} And in response, thus spake the URacle:
}
} } Starve.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: early Enmenduranna, Late Ubaid
} From: Talking Clay URacle
} Subject: Talking Clay More
}
} Selected-By: KUristan CheValUr
}
} The Talking Clay URacle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Heavens Man! I've done it! I'll gut this scribe if he
} > botches this note. I've traveled back in time! I am in some
} > god-forsaken hellhole of what looks to be pre-Sumerian
} > Mesopotamia, though I may just be in a backwater area. And
} > I want to leave evidence of my visit, and from what I can
} > gather 'questions' to the semi-deity Urakle are to be
} > forever preserved i...
}
}     -------------------------------------------------
} Alas, the tablet is broken off at this part. That's all we
} have.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle some gold.


1404-06    (178ga dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Platitudinous Oracle, I am your latitudinous
> supplicant, here to annoy you once again.
>
> Why am I so fat?  Is it my genes?  My father
> says it's my jeans, that I try to wear clothes
> that are too small, but I think he just doesn't
> want to take the blame.
>
> Or is it mom's home cooking?  (In fact, she's
> home, cooking, right now.  It'll be spaghetti
> with noodles and butter sauce.  Yum!!)  Mom
> says it can't be the cooking because we all eat
> what she cooks and I'm the only blimp.  I think
> she just doesn't want to take the blame.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off Gretel, those aren't your parents. . .


1404-07    (3cba6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tony.gies@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orakle DUDE!
>
> Like. I musta answered like 5000 questions in the last
> month. All with RADFUNNY answerz too dude. I never send
> in questi0ns though. Like.that.is.boring. ANd I ain't
> borring I be funny! But I like can't for the life of me
> figure out why there hasn't been a digest just all `bout
> me. Like no one else could be answering anything. Cause
> there ain't nuthin' but me. Oh. And the queue sure seems
> empty of late. Why aren't people flocking to hear more of
> Me?  Oh and when is the next digest.? Which will be all me
> I'm like sure of tottally.
>
> later Dude.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Date: Wed, 15 Mar 06 10:27:40 -0500
} From: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Orakularities Digest #1403
}
} To find out all about the Internet Orakle (TM), including how to
} participate, send mail to orakle@cs.indiana.edu with the words "help
} dude" in the subject line.  ("Internet Orakle" is a trademark of
} Stephen B Kinzler.)
}
} Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Orakularities
} on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
} volume number to orakle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
} this message).  For example:
}     1403
}     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Sun, 12 Mar 06 14:28:32 -0500
} From: Internet Orakle <orakle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Orakularity #1403-01
}
} Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>
}
} The Internet Orakle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oh most wise and fabulous Oracle!  I beseech you to answer this
} > humble supplicant's question.  What should I get my wife for her
} > birthday?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Orakle:
}
} } DUDE!  Itz so RADFUNNY you askd that!  Yur wife wuz just telling
} } me last nite about how borring you are.
} }
} } Dude, take my.way.c00l.advice and sign the div0rce papers.  She'll
} } tottally luv it!
} }
} } You owe the Orakle more quality time wit the missuz.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Mon, 12 Mar 06 10:06:34 -0500
} From: Internet Orakle <orakle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Orakularity #1403-02
}
} Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>
}
} The Internet Orakle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oh magnificent and all-knowing Oracle, who is as infinitely wise
} > and he is generous with his wisdom.
} >
} > Where should I go for Spring Break this year?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Orakle:
}
} } Like.  Who carez where you go Dude.  No onez caring 'bout what you
} } d0, cuz there ain't nuthin' but me.  ANd I ain't borring I be funny!
} } And after answering like 5000 questions with RADFUNNY answerz, a
} } tottally funny guy like me only haz one place to on Spring Break:
} } Digestland!
} }
} } Thatz right, Dude!  THe queue's drained with my witty.cool.answerz
} } and itz time to PAR-TAY!
} }
} } You totally owe the Orakle a digest thatz all me.  Later Dude.
}
} ........
}
} MEMO
}
} To:   Oracle Priesthood
} From: Internet Oracle
} Date: 03/14/06
}
} Re:   Quality Standards for Internet Oracularities Digests (IODs)
}
} Upon review of the latest Internet Oracularities Digest (IOD), it
} appears there has been some deviations from our usual high standards
} of Oracular responses.  Simply put, this is *not acceptable*.
}
} Digest #1403, as it stands now, will have to be scrapped.  I know
} the deadline for publication is looming and that will mean mandatory
} overtime for all priests - to rectify the IOD to meet all quality
} standards AND meet our deadline.  However, I am confident that I can
} expect the very best from all of you (except Zadoc, of course) in
} meeting this challenge with your usual professionalism and finesse.
}
} Let's get it right, Dudes.
}
} You owe the Oracle one RADFUNNY Digest.


1404-08    (8dc63 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, your wisdom puts us all to shame!
>
> Oracle, you first came into being in 1989 (at least, that's when the
> oldest Oracularities were created) as the Usenet Oracle. In 1996 you
> transformed into the Internet Oracle, recognizing the fact that for
> some time, E-mail submissions had been much more common than Usenet
> submissions. At the time, I don't know if "MIME" formatting of E-mail
> had been invented yet -- but it sure wasn't common.
>
> That has changed today, mostly due to one dominant company that will
> remain unnamed (but yes, it's Microsoft). I think that at least 50%
> of all E-mail sent and received at most businesses is MIME-formatted.
> An even higher percentage of E-mail users are CAPABLE of using MIME,
> even if they choose not to.
>
> I haven't thoroughly searched to find the first time that a MIME
> joke made it into the Oracularities -- but surely, if you've been
> around a few years (and maybe even if you've been around a few
> weeks), you've seen one. That's because so many supplicants send
> these messages, and because it's so d**n annoying, that a lot of
> people spend time thinking of funny answers to them.
>
> I think that I have never seen an unintentional MIME *ANSWER* make
> it into the Oracularities -- this could be because the people that
> answer in MIME just aren't funny, but it also could be that your
> priests are pretty good at cleaning this up before it gets published.
> (Or maybe there were some, but I missed them!) But when I send in a
> tellme, it's pretty common -- I'd say close to 20% of the time. Here
> is a recent one:
>
> <begin>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: The Internet Oracle [mailto:oracle@cs.indiana.edu]
> Sent: Friday, April 14, 2006 10:34 AM
> To: [I removed my name for privacy]
> Subject: The Oracle replies!
>
> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > Oracle most wise, your wisdom puts us all to shame!
> >
> > Why is the sky really blue?
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } ------=3D_Part_30265_28098295.1145036051289
> } Content-Type: text/plain; charset=3DISO-8859-1
> } Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
> } Content-Disposition: inline
> }
> } It's recovering from an unhappy love affair.
> } You owe the Internet Oracle an industrial strength bottle of
> } asprin and to jump off a cliff.
> }
> } ------=3D_Part_30265_28098295.1145036051289
> } Content-Type: text/html; charset=3DISO-8859-1
> } Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
> } Content-Disposition: inline
> }
> } <div>It's recovering from an unhappy love affair.</div>
> } <div>You owe the Internet Oracle an industrial strength bottle of
> } asprin and to jump off a cliff.</div>
> }
> } ------=3D_Part_30265_28098295.1145036051289--
> <end>
>
> Yes, a 2-line answer -- and pretty lame, at that -- converted into 19
> lines of gibberish.
>
> My question, then, is why this isn't handled automatically. Surely it
> would be possible for your computer systems to detect MIME questions
> and answers, and automatically strip out the MIME-ish stuff. Why
> isn't this done?
>
> Any plans to start this soon? If so, when? If not, why not?
>
> Answer with humor (as usual) if you like, but I really am interested
> in a real answer... if you know it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracle knows how you feel. For instance this message
} came poorly-formatted and with enough carets feed a rabbit
} farm. UghI just cant stand to look at that MIME anymore.
} Ugh>>>ZOTTtttttt Now what was your qu... hey this stupid email
} reader is eating up my letters as I type, hey how do I stop
} that? OK we'e required to use MIME until Windows doesn't exist
} anvmo[puefcnbjk.vhchycfgct hykds ru4ts 7  cdfr dfrcd.lrld
} 6e45vj gfcvtucuxcf trdr,./////..,..........


1404-09    (24fg5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I know if I love someone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's how.  Your palms get all sweaty, you get all embarrassed, your
} heart starts racing, you lose all intelligent thought, time seems to
} take forever to pass, uh...
}
} Hm, I just realized something.  I'm actually describing what happens
} when I don't study for my physics tests.  That can't be right.
} [Pause.]  Either that, or I should plan the most unorthodox wedding my
} family's experienced in years.  Now, I wonder how you put a ring around
} a textbook....


1404-10    (4dg54 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are my questions always so stoopid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm....well, being the superior wrangler of the English language
} that I am, I suppose that term 'stoopid' should be researched.
} Being the busiest of oracles, many of today's pop culture monikers
} are lost on me....
}
} <Opens Internet Explorer 7 Beta 4 (of course the Oracle has an edition
} not available to anyone else, I would have the release version,
} but it doesn't work - GO MICROSOFT!) >
}
} <Navigates to wikipedia and types in 'stoopid'>
}
} 3 related entries.  Hmmmm...
}
} <Clicks on first entry entitled 'Slightly Stoopid'>
}
} Strange....some rock band from California.  What does that have to do
} with his question?  Dang it, I hate it when there is no groveling,
} or even any foreplay with a question.  Leaves me with WAY TOO MUCH
} WORK TO DO!
}
} <Clicks back button and clicks second entry 'Hey Stoopid.'
}
} Alice Cooper....1991.  Seems strange, both entries Punk Rock.
} Noticing a trend here......
}
} <Click third link....realizes it's the same as the first and reaches
} for staff of ZOT......then figures that he'd probably understand
} less of these kids today without the folks at wikipedia and decides
} to give them a reprieve>
}
} My answer is that your questions are 'stoopid' because anyone who
} spells 'stupid' that way has no brain left due to the over-exposure
} to such music as 'Slightly Stoopid' by artists such as Alice Cooper.
}
} You owe the oracle a CD of 'real' music, preferably written, recorded
} and performed prior to 1970.


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