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Internet Oracularities #1405

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1405, 1405-01, 1405-02, 1405-03, 1405-04, 1405-05, 1405-06, 1405-07, 1405-08, 1405-09, 1405-10


Internet Oracularities #1405    (47 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 08 May 2006 14:21:35 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Who reads the Oracularities in rec.humor.oracle?
@@@
@@@ As both of the news servers I have access to are being
@@@ decommissioned this summer, I find myself asking this question.
@@@ With Usenet dwindling, and the Oracularities mailing list and
@@@ website growing, will the day come when rec.humor.oracle must be
@@@ shut down? Will that day be sometime this summer?
@@@
@@@ If you read the Oracularities in rec.humor.oracle, let me
@@@ <oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu> know your thoughts about discontinuing
@@@ posting them there and switching to mail <subject "subscribe" to
@@@ oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu> or web
@@@ <http://www.internetoracle.org/> for the digests.  Or, if you can
@@@ offer the use of a reliable news server, perhaps we can continue by
@@@ using that.

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1405
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1405  47 votes 0ccg7 18hf6 3aib5 6ge92 02cej 4dl81 67hd4 3abad 3acf7 39bcc
1405  3.3 mean  3.4   3.4   3.1   2.7   4.1   2.8   3.0   3.4   3.3   3.4


1405-01    (0ccg7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle was tired... it had been a long day answering
} questions. A supplicant had managed to get a woodchuck question through
} the Outer Defences, and a great deal of time was spent composing
} a properly virulent answer. The Oracle had dealt with Shakespeare,
} Brahms, Star Trek, cavemen, virtually every subject upon the globe
} and he was exhausted.
}
} He lay down and he slept. Still the questions poured in, some short,
} some long, but all demanding an answer. His right hand scribbled out
} answers in longhand on a nearby notepad, for his priests to type out
} while he slept... until in the early hours of the morning, a silence
} came that was louder than the questions. Sometimes the sudden absence
} of noise is just as shocking as a sudden noise.
}
} And the Oracle sat up in bed, clenching his sheets and in shock and
} terror, gave his answer
}
} "What the hell was that silence?"
}
} And went back to sleep.


1405-02    (18hf6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most agglutinative,
>
> What are some of the weirdest languages in the world, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would have given you a top ten list, but agglutinative doesn't seem
} to be very complimentary--I'm assuming you mean it in the clumping
} blood sense, rather than the linguistic morphemic one--so I'm just
} doing the top five instead.
}
} 5. Eskimo.  A few years back, I heard that they had 76 words for snow.
} Two years back, I heard that they had 147 words for snow.  And just
} recently, I found out that everyone was lying and they really only have
} one word for snow.  What's wrong with that language?  Can't they keep a
} stable vocabulary for a few years?
}
} 4. Baby talk.  A language which consists of basically nothing but
} "goos" and "gahs."  As a computerized entity, such a binary
} communication system seems awfully impractical.
}
} 3. Lojban.  Weird for many reasons.  For example, "mi bramau do le ka
} clani" and "fi le ka clani fe do fa mi bramau" mean essentially the
} same thing (let's agree not to argue semantics).  How weird is that?
} Plus, I hear it drives musicians nuts.
}
} 2. FORTRAN.  No explanation needed, I trust.
}
} 1. Medicalese.  Agglutinative?  Are you serious?
}
} You owe the Oracle forty seven words for snow, a translation of the
} Bible into Goo-goo-goo-gah-gah-goo-goo-gah, an essay on the advantages
} of logical language in Lojban, and a promise to avoid at least one of
} FORTRAN and Medicalese in the future.


1405-03    (3aib5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know what I hate?  Rhetorical questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yes! And you know when people just get all whiney, and complain
} about something, they just complain, complain, complain! And then they
} start to ramble on and on, repeating everything they've already said,
} but in a different way to make it sound as if they're saying something
} else, then it all starts over again, but in disguise, then, without
} realizing it, they get into this really long sentence that seems to go
} off topic and onto something more interesting, but no, it's just more
} complaints! Oh, I HATE those guys who get all angry and yell at the
} top of their lungs, saying MORE COMPLAINTS even LOUDER than you
} thought they could! AND THEY NEVER COOL DOWN! THEY JUST GET LOUDER AND
} LOUDER UNTIL...
}
} You owe the Oracle some anger management.
}
} (Did I mention how much I hate irony?)


1405-04    (6ge92 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What pitch is Big Ben?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Southpaw is Big Ben pitch. Little Ben pitch always fastball.
} Medium Ben, he is slider. Middle-Bigger Ben, sometimes he switch up,
} pitch like Bigger Ben than him. Biggest Big Big Ben, he is pitch
} fastest  fast. But Big Ben southpaw fast pitch and who is surviving?
} Very fastest.  Even Big Ben southpaw fast pitch and already you are
} know, what pitch is  Big Ben.
}
} Give Oracle A. Like Oakland.


1405-05    (02cej dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, so wise and all-knowing, whose knowledge and
> wisdom are known throughout the land, I come before thee with a
> question that has plagued me for a time, and half a time again.
> What is the secret to understanding women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lack of understanding between men and women is a common problem.
} Luckily for you, The Oracle has come along to explain it all.
}
} Men are simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny toys.
} When they want something, they'll ask for it, usually in a short
} sentence of simple words, for example
} "I'm hungry" means they're hungry.
} "I'm horny" means they want sex.
} "I want to play (some computer game)" means they want to play with
} their shiny toys.
}
} Women are also simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny toys.
} When they want something, they will drop subtle hints, sometimes
} verbal code, sometimes using body-language cues, sometimes via mental
} telepathy. For example
} "Isn't is getting dark early these days" means I'm hungry, let's eat
} "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means I'm horny, let's go to
} bed early tonight
} "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means it's a long time since
} you bought me a shiny toy
}
} Men, simple beasts that they are, take all 3 of the above as a comment
} on the advancing season, or an invitation to discuss the astronomical
} basis for variation in day length.
}
} Meanwhile women, accustomed as they are to speaking in code, assume
} men do the same.
}
} So, his "I'm hungry" gets interpreted by her as "your ass looks very
} fat today" or "I'd like to have sex with that woman over there" or even
} "my hovercraft is full of eels". Strangely, the more innocent, direct
} and obvious a comment, the more likely it is to be interpreted as some
} subtle insult. She takes offence, he notices and asks "what's wrong?"
} to which she replies "nothing". There ensues an escalating exchange
} during which she continues to deny anything is wrong while getting more
} and more angry at him for failing to apologise for the 'insult'.
} Meanwhile, he knows she is angry, and gets more and more frustrated at
} her refusal to tell him why.
}
} And so it continues, generation after generation.
} Men still aren't mind-readers, and women are still mad at them for it.
} 'Twas ever thus, and ever shall it be.
}
} You owe The Oracle a female-to-English dictionary.


1405-06    (4dl81 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O is for the Oracle we respect so much!
> R is for the Respect we give to the Oracle!
> A is for Another dose of respect for the Oracle!
> C is for Certainly we respect the Oracle!
> L is for Like, we respect the Oracle!
> E is for our Enormous respect for the Oracle!
>
> What do the letters in 'Congress' stand for?
> [AllanW]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a 30-second soundbite, the Most Oracular of Internet Oracles
} declares: I suppose that all depends on which political party you
} belong to. But in general,
}
} C is for the Chamber's C-Span Cameras.
} O is for the Omphaloskepsis we practice when we're bored.
} N is for the occassional fit of Narcolepsy.
} G is for the stenographer's Graphospasm.
} R is for our witty Repartee.
} E is for Ensiferous debate.
} S is for Smith, who went to Washington.
} S is also for the Silly question.
}
} That's got to be at least as creative as thy lowly attempt at
} grovelling.
}
} Thou owest the Oracle an acrostic for "ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM."


1405-07    (67hd4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which of these are your favorite and why?
>
> Ice planets
> Lava planets
> Water planets
> Desert planets
> Gas planets
> Rock planets
> Forest planets
> Grass planets
> Alcohol planets
> Hydrogen planets
> Mountain planets
> Shrub planets
> Iron planets
> Metal Planets
> Formaldehyde planets
> Methane planets
> Gold planets
> Platinum planets
> Wood planets
> Cheese planets
>
> You may replace the word planet with any of the following:
> Star, moon, asteroid, comet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Recipe #38642
} Swedish Astro-burgers (larger than a quarter pounder)
}
} Begin with several hundred fresh, ground beef red giants. Mix with
} bread-crumb moons; strike with mustard and milk asteroids, season
} with two interesting lava planets. Compress, mix, and place in Ice
} Planet to chill.
}
} Form several astral bodies of disc shape, flat on two sides.  Place on
} star to grill.
}
} Direct half a dozen cheese comets into steam planet. When soft  Cheese
} core has formed, aim eruptions at discs.
}
} Place between two halves of bread roll planet. Season with condiment
} rings, planetary vegetation to taste.
}
} Prepare fruit planet milkshake. Impact chocolate comets and mixed
} berry asteroid fields, ice cream moon into large, milky planet.
} Compress, mix, and place in Ice Planet to chill.
}
} The Oracle is sorry. Give the Oracle a bucket.


1405-08    (3abad dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} answer.


1405-09    (3acf7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most infinite,
>
> whatever happened to Zhukov? That Russian guy, so you don't get him
> confused with somebody else.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alex Zhukov is a "Russian guy" that lives about 3 miles from you. But
} you've never met him, so you must be talking about Georgy
} Konstantinovich Zhukov, a Soviet military commander and politician,
} considered by many to be one of the most successful field commanders of
} what Americans call World War II.
}
} Georgy was born in 1896, and is thought by most to have died in 1974.
} An asteroid was named after him in 1995, commemorating his 100th
} birthday.
}
} Ordinarily I would stop there, but you did ask what happened to him...
}
} I first met Zhukov in 1973, 16 years before I became The Usenet Oracle,
} in a small town near the University of Indiana. At the time, Zhukov
} seemed a particularly bright and able member of Mensa, the organization
} of very bright people. Wanting to make an impression with his peers at
} Mensa, he bet me $100 that I couldn't create 5 puzzles that would stump
} his peers. I had no trouble coming up with them. He immediately made
} some wagers with his peers at Mensa and won over $900. So you see that
} he used to be particularly bright.
}
} As people at Mensa began to realize that Zhukov was smarter than them,
} they stopped taking the bets -- but he realized that we had a business
} opportunity. So he persuaded me to give up the storefront I already
} owned and go into business with him. We originally intended to model
} our business after the Oracle of Delphi, but we wanted to stay in
} Indiana and yet maximize our potential customer list. We decided to
} go into business on the Usenet instead. Our first act was to fake
} Zhukov's death, so that we could collect his life-insurance money. We
} used that as seed money in a series of gambling exploits that I'm not
} at liberty to discuss. It took several years, but finally we had enough
} money to purchase our own palace and go into business for ourselves.
} We finally opened for business on October 8, 1989.
}
} Sadly, things did not go well at first. We had a series of mishaps,
} driving us nearly to financial ruin. The power of my brain allowed us
} to get through the tough times, but for quite a while things were very
} tough. Eventually Zhukov turned to drink and drugs. The damage done to
} his brain was severe -- his intellect is all but gone, and he isn't
} even capable of spelling his name correctly anymore. He now spells it
} "Zadoc."
}
} At times, I want to hurt Zadoc -- his drink and drugs made our problems
} much worse -- but I realize that if it wasn't for him, I never would
} have been in this business. So I'm willing to keep him around, so long
} as he continues to grovel for my entertainment.
}
} [AllanW]
}
} You owe the Oracle the life history of Lisa the Sex Goddess.


1405-10    (39bcc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie,
>
> What does O.K. stand for?
>
> R

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Common sources would have you believe that it originally started as a
} humorous abbreviation for "Oll Korrect". It was popularized by
} presidential candidate Martin Van Beuren, aka "Old Kinderhook".
}
} Sheer nonsense. Let me tell you the story of how "OK" actually
} originated.
}
} * * *
}
} SCENE: Five thousand years ago; two proto-humans are hunched in front
} of a cave, with a third, subadult, proto-human.
}
} "Ugh, hello, Og," says one.
}
} "Hello, Thag!" Og replies. "Thag, meet Og Kid. Og Kid, Thag."
}
} "Thag glad meet Og Kid."
}
} "I am charmed to make your acquaintance, Thag," responds the son of Og.
}
} "Og Kid very smart! Og Kid do all kinds of smart things!" gushes his
} father.
}
} "What kind smart thing?"
}
} "Og Kid make thing tell time by sun!"
}
} "Oh, you mean the sundial? That was merely an elementary exercise in
} triangulation."
}
} * * *
}
} Some time later, Og was hunting. Suddenly, a sabre-toothed tiger leapt
} from behind some bushes, and lunged for Og.
}
} "D'oh!" shouted the started caveman.
}
} Just as suddenly, Og Kid swept by on a primitive wheeled device,
} grabbed his father, and dashed out of harm's way.
}
} "Og Kid save Og! Good boy!"
}
} "It was nothing, Father."
}
} "What this thing you on?"
}
} "A simple device I built this morning. I took the wheel that I
} invented yesterday, connected two of them to a simple frame, added a
} steering mechanism, and a padded seat. I power it using pedals, and a
} chain delivers the motion to the rear wheel, providing forward
} locomotion. I then use the gyroscopic force from the anterior wheel to
} provide balance."
}
} "Amazing, Og Kid!"
}
} * * *
}
} Some time later, Og wandered into a cave and became lost in the
} darkness.
}
} "D'oh!"
}
} Then, he saw a glimmer of light. It grew, and soon Og could make out
} Og Kid carrying a torch.
}
} "O.K.!" shouted Og, as he had, over the years grown tired of saying
} "Og Kid" and had abbreviated it.
}
} "Hello, Father."
}
} "You save Og again! What this thing that make light?"
}
} "It was nothing, Father. I rubbed two pieces of wood together until
} the friction built up enough heat to cause the carbon in the wood to
} interact with atmospheric oxygen in a redox reaction; the combustion
} of the wood releases heat and light. I'm thinking of calling it
} 'fire'."
}
} "Amazing, O.K.!"
}
} * * *
}
} Over time, it seemed that every time there was a problem, O.K. would
} show up and make things right again. Soon, the cavemen began to talk
} of making a bad situation be all right again as being "Og Kid", or
} O.K.
}
} O.K. became a catch-all phrase for things that worked out well.
}
} * * *
}
} One day, Og was out hunting again, and he was attacked by a pack of
} dire wolves. He shouted "D'oh!", then called for help, and his son
} heard him.
}
} "Is everything in order, Father?" he shouted back.
}
} His father yelled, "O.K.! O.K.! O.K.!"
}
} Og Kid replied, "If everything is alright, then, I will return to work
} on 'electricity'."
}
} Og yelled, "O.K.!"
}
} Presently, he was eaten by the wolves.
}
} The End.


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