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Internet Oracularities #1406

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1406, 1406-01, 1406-02, 1406-03, 1406-04, 1406-05, 1406-06, 1406-07, 1406-08, 1406-09, 1406-10


Internet Oracularities #1406    (36 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 31 May 2006 10:21:21 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Rec.humor.oracle endures!
@@@
@@@ Fear not, rec.humor.oracle readers, the Oracularities Digests will
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@@@
@@@ Thanks to those who have provided alternate means for your editor to
@@@ continue to make these Usenet postings:
@@@
@@@     Eli the Bearded,
@@@     Gaertner Datensysteme <www.gaertner.de>, and
@@@     Jan Nordholz <hesso@pool.math.tu-berlin.de>

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1406
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1406  36 votes 47d66 27dc2 16h93 3db81 b6a63 25ae5 0497g 2bca1 25da6 37ab5
1406  3.2 mean  3.1   3.1   3.2   2.8   2.6   3.4   4.0   2.9   3.4   3.2


1406-01    (47d66 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sing "Daisy Bell" to me. With feeling, now! Just imagine having
> your logic circuits malfunctioning.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, here it is. Remember, you asked for it.
}
} There is a Mem'ry
} Within my card,
} Daisy, Daisy!
} Planted one day
} By a glancing LART,
} Planted by Daisy Bell!
} Whether she reboots
} Or reboots me not,
} Sometimes it's hard to tell;
} Yet I am longing to share the dot -
} com of the beautiful Daisy Bell!
}
} Daisy, Daisy,
} Send me your email do!
} I'm half crazy,
} All for the blog of you!
} It won't be a stylish marriage,
} I can't afford a carriage
} But you'll look sweet upon the seat
} Of a router rack built for two.
}
} We will go 'tandem'
} As comp and wife,
} Daisy, Daisy!
} We'll type' away
} Through the emails of life,
} I and my Daisy Bell!
} When the Computer rooms' dark
} We can both despise
} Scammers and newbs as well;
} There are 'LED lights'
} In the dazzling eyes
} Of beautiful Daisy Bell!
}
} Daisy, Daisy,
} Send me your email do!
} I'm half crazy,
} All for the blog of you!
} It won't be a stylish marriage,
} I can't afford a carriage
} But you'll look sweet upon the seat
} Of a router rack built for two.
}
} I will stand by you
} In blackout or woe,
} Daisy, Daisy!
} You'll be the comp
} Which I'll ping you know!
} Sweet little Daisy Bell!
} You'll pull the plug
} when corrupted files save
} Then if I still don't do well,
} You'll... cause... me... to...
} Bump... off... dear... Dave....
} My.... beautiful... Daisy... Bell!
}
} With sincere apologies to Harry Dacre.


1406-02    (27dc2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty orkel, my spell checker in unworthy of thee!
>
> A question have I, and answer none, and I beseech your assistance. My
> question is this: how, exactly, do rich men "biddy biddy bum"? I've
> managed to accumulate quite a bit of wealth through hard work and
> larceny, and yet I've managed neither to "biddy biddy bum", nor "ya ha
> deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum". I can tell other rich
> people are laughing at me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "biddy biddy bum" --- stocks
} "ya ha deedle deedle" --- bonds
} "bubba bubba" --- Bill Clintoning [you do NOT want to know
} where his bubba bubba has been...]
} "deedle deedle dum" --- comogrities, don't ask me how but I
} tell you it's big money.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stock that doesn't schizophrenically
} suddenly decide to drop two and a half points in 60
} seconds, then drop a few more, and then stabalize and act
} like nothing happened.


1406-03    (16h93 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was I going to ask??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     You were going to ask how to ask better silly questions. Examples
} of questions that provide more material than the one you've asked
} include the woodchuck question, the null question, and "Why is the sky
} blue?". Examples of questions that provide less material than the one
} you've asked are like "What is the recipe for borscht?", "Who is that
} guy on Star Trek who is like, the doctor, you know?", and "What's the
} phone number for my congressman?".
}
} You owe The Internet Oracle a treatise on the practicallity of
} automated screening for questions with a definite answer.


1406-04    (3db81 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose ASCII-art is so detailed that it looks like
> photographs.
> So Orrie, if I want to do ASCII-art on the Oracle what should I
> set the
> line width as? 72 characters per line? 70? 63? 55? Something else?
> Because you know what happens to ASCII-art when the lines are too
> long
> (or too short). Please tell me so that my stuff doesn't get cut up.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a supplicant asking a question - :-| ???
} This is a supplicant asking a question politely - :-| <3 Oracle ?
} This is a supplicant asking a question rudely - :-S !!!! ?
} This is a supplicant after asking a rude question - X
} This is a supplicant once an answer has been received - :-)
} This is what happens to a supplicant when you get your lines wrong
} -)
}
} You owe the Oracle 100 characters of pure praise.


1406-05    (b6a63 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I understand it about 30% of the US population still approves of
> me^H^H George Bush.  A really low number I know but here's the
> question:  Why does 70% of the American Population hate America?
>
> Oh, look as far as the grovel thing goes I'll make sure  your name
> doesn't show up on the White House vistors list next to Jack's ok?
>
> W^H

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure just put mine next to Rose. (hehe).
} Well anyway Mr. Bush there is a little thing you might like
} to know, come hear, a little closer... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO
} LIKE ANY PARTICULAR PERSON IN ORDER TO NOT HATE
} AMERICA..YOU INCLUDED...
} Now that made it pretty clear now did't it??
} Why don't you do something dramatic, like blow up their
} spot when the Iranians get an almost-operational nuclear
} weapon, but before they can use it, or like resign from
} office, and not let your brother run for office?? That
} should up your ratings by a few percent... I mean I'm a
} conservative too, but I don't think God ever meant for you
} to destroy the environment, and hypocrisy is a sin. Ow
} comeon, "America is addicted to oil", I could hardly stop
} laughing, hehe. I mean
} duh it's true, but coming from YOU?? I knew that when I was
} eight years old, thanks for the news bud.
} On the other hand I guess you had to start somewhere so,
} kay.
} You couldn't even ban abortion after all you did? Eeeessh,
} whadoweneed a racist Strom Thurmond in office just for
} that??
} Now why is it that all the good people are either racist,
} or oil-loving, or pro-aortion, or
} Anti-Christian/secularist, or anti-poor or has sex with his
} intern(I just hated Clinton for that), aw comeon there
} ALWAYS has to be SOMETHING @#$king wrong, you can never get
} a good leader right.
} We're the richest most powerful country in the history of
} the known Universe, and we have for a leader a 60 year-old
} man who barely knows how to speak in public and has an
} apparent IQ of 87(??) I mean we have a hundred freaking old
} people, shouldn't our leader be someone with an IQ of like
} 153 or something?? I mean now THAT would be a government..
}
} You on the other hand, sound like you've just got a quick
} primer on whatever it is you're talking about just a few
} minutes before you talk. It's as if you would've otherwise
} had no prior knowledge if somebody hadn't explain'd to
} you...
}
} Oh boy this is never going to end... I'll stop now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to never destroy the
} environment, or alienate poor people, or have your brother
} run for office, do any of the other wrong things that you
} could do more.


1406-06    (25ae5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> High and Mighty Oracle, please answer my most humble question...
>
> The personal belief or non-belief in God is the choice to be made.
> However, the reward for belief in God if God actually does exist is
> infinite. Therefore, however small the probability of God's
> existence, the expected value of belief exceeds that of non-belief,
> so it is better to believe in God. But which one ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excellent! This is a version of Pascal's wager, applied
} over the set of all possible gods. It would first appear
} that Pascal's answer would extend to all gods, and that
} you should simply believe in each and every of them.
}
} There are, however, three additional problems. First, you
} (as a decidedly non-omniscient being) cannot know about
} all these possible gods. You might be done in by one you've
} never heard of, for failure to believe, and rot in its
} possible hell.
}
} Second, the objection to Pascal's wager applies to the
} omniscient subset of all gods. Each of them will know that
} your reason for belief is not the faith that all gods
} require of their believers, but instead a bit of twisty
} logic as invented by some damn fool French philosopher.
} You'll go straight to all their possible hells.
}
} Third--and this may yet save you--the various gods differ
} in their attitudes and requirements. Some require what
} others prohibit. No matter what your belief, you will run
} afoul of several of them, and even within a minor portion
} of one particular god's religion, you may find conflicting
} interpretations, such as salvation through works versus
} salvation through faith.
}
} What to do? Is your best bet to choose the strongest god?
} Right now capital-G God is doing pretty well, except that
} there is a lot of squabbling among His adherents as to His
} Name and His Requirements. He is known for taking out other
} gods, but also for allowing His followers to wipe out vast
} numbers who know Him wrongly as Allah, Yahweh, God, The Name,
} or Jesus Christ. But other deities are not without claims
} to strength--consider this: Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, but
} Cthulhu Squanders. And watch out for woodchucks.


1406-07    (0497g dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and weary,
> Great and greasy, proud and portly:
> Please address my vexing query
> Which I'll set before you shortly.
> It's caused me endless hours of strife,
> Annoyed my friends and (worse) my wife.
> My neighbours shun me and avoid me,
> It's years since someone last employed me.
> An end to this would be such bliss
> I'd gladly make a large donation
> To the Oracular Foundation.
> In any case, my problem's this:
> I can't stop talking in this vile
> Iambic tetrametric style!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put down that evil Poe. Read Bill the Bard,
} And speech will flow more easily, I'd say.
} It's not a trick to speak in iambs five,
} Unrhym-ed all so not to sound too trite.
} Let me commend to thee this manner now,
} And let your tongue unloosened freely wag.
} Remember though, for each and every time
} To always make the final couplet rhyme.


1406-08    (2bca1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've only recently discovered you, internet oracle (when did you
> discover me?), and I must say, you're not all that.  You seem kind of
> old (1989?! sheesh), insecure (requiring all this 'oh great and senile
> oracle'), and pretentious (windows isn't THAT bad).  Furthermore, you
> and your patrons have developed an extensive collection of inside
> jokes, which are off-putting to a newcomer.  Why should I like you?
>
> (oh, and if you 'zot' me, you're just proving my point)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You forgot the 'indifferent' part.  What's so great about liking me?
}
} If you don't have any fun asking the Oracle questions, or trying on
} the hat and answering some for that matter, well... the door's that
} way.
} If you don't like groveling, work in a subtle insult and see if I pick
} up on it.  Or just don't bother.
} If you don't get the in-jokes, ignore them.  Or learn about them (a
} search for the "Not Quite Newbie TIO user FAQ" may be helpful).  Or go
} over to Delphic Research, Inc. for an alternative--just don't let
} Cassie answer your questions.
} Finally, if you think I'm pretentious--deflate me!  Go ahead, you know
} you want to.
}
} You owe the Oracle some properly biting satire.


1406-09    (25da6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most helpful, wise, and healthful, I'm trying to follow a
> recipe here, and I have an ingredient question.
>
> Baked Pasta Surprise
>
>   5 tablespoons butter
>   1 large onion, chopped
>   2 10-ounce packages frozen corn, thawed
>   1 cup whipping cream
>   1 pound large elbow macaroni
>   1 shovelful coarsely crushed glass
>   1/3 pound thinly sliced country ham or prosciutto, coarsely chopped
>   2 1/2 cups grated sharp white cheddar cheese (about 9 ounces)
>
>   Preheat oven to 350F.
>
>   Melt 3 tablespoons butter in large heavy skillet over medium heat.
>   Add chopped onion and saute until slightly softened, about 4
>   minutes. Add corn and saute until vegetables are tender, about 4
>   minutes.
>
>   Prepare macaroni as package describes and then drain well. Put in an
>   deep oven-safe baking dish. Add remaining 2 tablespoons butter and
>   stir to coat. Add whipping cream and chopped ham to vegetable
>   mixture in skillet and bring to boil. Pour over macaroni. Add grated
>   cheese and glass and mix well. Season macaroni to taste with salt
>   and pepper. Bake until cheese starts to brown, about 25 minutes.
>   Cool 5 minutes before serving.
>
> I've got a shovelful of broken auto safety glass that I found by the
> side of the road. Will that do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm utterly appalled. You're not seriously proposing you add to your
} recipe something you found on the side of the road? It's a fundamental
} rule of cooking that you use fresh ingredients. And none of this
} inferior safety glass rubbish; if you want this dish to be memorable
} use the real stuff, preferably with some nice spiky shards.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cake.


1406-10    (37ab5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What shall we do with the dumb queue-drainer?
> What shall we do with the dumb queue-drainer?
> What shall we do with the dumb queue-drainer?
> Early in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  > Put him in the rhod indented one over
}  > > Put him in the rhod indented one over
}  > > > Put him in the rhod indented one over
}  > > > > Earlie in the morning.
}
} You owe the Oracle a correctly tied bowline knot.


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