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Internet Oracularities #1408

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1408, 1408-01, 1408-02, 1408-03, 1408-04, 1408-05, 1408-06, 1408-07, 1408-08, 1408-09, 1408-10


Internet Oracularities #1408    (47 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2006 16:32:10 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1408
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1408  47 votes 6ee85 15mb8 258gg 38gi2 27hf6 27hi3 17ek5 86cd8 3bbh5 54bgb
1408  3.3 mean  2.8   3.4   3.8   3.2   3.3   3.3   3.4   3.1   3.2   3.5


1408-01    (6ee85 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I hear that Kelsey Grammer is supposed to play the Beast in the
> next Xmen movie - is it true that all they did was dye his body hair
> blue?  And does the guy who played Niles have a role in the movie?  I
> really liked him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Answers to all the world's woes are here, darn near
} free for the taking. And what matters weigh heavy on
} the minds of mankind? Movie gossip! Okay, fine.
}
} Hollywood is all a titter over PETER JACKSON's newest
} /hush hush/ project tentatively titled "The Big Blabbering
} 'O'" This /super secret/ film supposed rips the robe
} off the private workings of, you heard it here first, THE
} INTERNET ORACLE. The Project, originally slated to be shot
} in CANADA by cult maven BRYAN FULLER who's life is being
} ruined by the ghosts conjured up for the unreleased final
} episode of WONDERFALLS was snatched up by the losing weight
} due to cancer PETER JACKSON at the behest of women's underwear
} wearing IAN MCKELLAN's new boy toy GAEL GARCIA BERNAL who
} recently sent to a orphanage in PERU his love child by sex
} addict NANCY CARTWRIGHT. Our /exclusive sneak peek/ casting
} list show the following /wow wow wow/ actors are involved:
}
}            The Oracle: JACK BLACK
}                 Zadoc: BRAD DOURIF
}                  Lisa: LAURA HARRIS
}                    OG: DWAYNE DOUGLAS JOHNSON
}                Kendai: BRAD PITT
}           The Kinzler: Himself
}   Priestess Chevalier: PARIS HILTON
}     Priestess Al'y'ce: ANGELINA JOLIE
}  Priestess Paul Kelly: LARRY WACHOWSKI
}       Preist Tim Chew: CARROT TOP
}
} Talk about verisimilitude!!!
}
} That's all for now, baby!
}
} Ciao!
}
} You owe the Oracle some mouthwash.


1408-02    (15mb8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And can I teach him how to walk on walls, and ceilings too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, ma'am. Your new husband can be trained to lower the toilet seat,
} and maybe to take out the trash once in a while, but anti-gravitic
} feats are beyond his ability.
}
} However, please be aware that he is available for reprogramming of
} certain circuits if you just befriend and manipulate his mother.
}
} Enjoy your new marriage!


1408-03    (258gg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm tired of asking questions.  We all know the Oracle is great.
> Just tell me what I owe you and we can get on with our lives.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a question.


1408-04    (38gi2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hallo, Orrie. It is I, Elizabeth, Queen of England
> and all that. Just celebrated my 80th birthday, as you
> already know.
>
> I was wondering if you could do a slight favour for me,
> and please keep this request and your response to it
> totally quiet. We cannot have any bad stuff get out;
> there is certainly enough already.
>
> I would prefer not to have to see Camilla. It would be
> very convenient if you could subtly arrange things so
> that when Charles comes to visit me, his wife somehow
> cannot come along. Or if she does, that she decides to
> remain outside in the motor car. Also, at public
> functions where she and I must both attend, arrange
> for her to be kept out of my eyesight.
>
> Thank you for your kindness,
>
> ER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Liz,
} Belated birthday greetings.  Eighty - a mere babe!  (Speaking of you
} as a babe, have I ever mentioned how much I love your image on the
} Columbia Pictures logo?  Our little secret, of course.)
}
} The surest way for me to prevent your ever having to see Camilla would
} be to blind you, but that could have undesirable side effects.
}
} If you could somehow persuade her, as a little favour to you, to submit
} a question to me about a certain large ground squirrel, I would have
} an excuse to instantly and completely rid you of this problem.
} However, it's unlikely you could pull that off without arousing her
} suspicion.
}
} I think our best approach is to introduce into Camilla's life a
} charming man with great discretion, to distract her from Charles.  Now
} that Camilla's place is established-after thirty years-gods, but that
} woman is persistent!-she can relax.  A torrid affair with someone
} handsome, powerful, and dashing would give Camilla an excuse to let
} Charles go see you alone, reminding him sweetly of how unfond of her
} you are.  This would make her appear considerate and self-sacrificing
} while actually giving her the opportunity to carry on with her new
} lover.  So, who's handsome, powerful, dashing, and willing to have an
} affair with a plain but sensual woman?  Hmmm.  I think I know just the
} man.
}
} You owe The Oracle an introduction to Prince Charles' wife, and under
} just the right circumstances, if you get my drift.  Anything for the
} Queen of England!  Ta!


1408-05    (27hf6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Ironically Logical and Logically Ironic Oracle,
>
> How can one apply Hofstadter's Law for an accurate estimate of project
> completion time?  Recursion doesn't seem to help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's simple: make the time required for the project infinite. That
} way, no matter how much time it takes to complete, you will always
} meet the deadline with copious (yea, infinite) amounts of time to
} spare--if, in fact, you finish the project. When your superiors see
} what an efficient job you've done, they will promote you. If this
} doesn't work, blame Murphy's Law.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pay raise.


1408-06    (27hi3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Internet Oracle, who was around even before
> Internet,
>
> How can I send an e-mail message in something other than MIME
> format, in order to rid the message of confusing clutter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *The Oracle appears from backstage, wearing black pants, a striped
} shirt, white face paint, and a beret.*
}
} *He squats down, as though sitting on a chair.*
}
} *Stretching his fingers for a moment, he hold his hand out before him
} and wiggles them as though typing.*
}
} *His right hand reaches over to the side, and seems to curl around a
} small round object, perhaps with an invisible rolling ball or
} imaginary red laser in its bottom. He hurls the unseen object away
} from him in disgust.*
}
} *Returning to typing, he stretches the fingers of his left hand apart
} repeatedly, as though reaching for uncomfortable emacs meta key
} combinations*
}
} *Smiling with satisfaction, he taps his finger on a final imaginary
} key, stands, bows, and returns backstage.*
}
} You owe the Oracle a new copy of pine and a baguette.


1408-07    (17ek5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "People's Republic of China"
>
> "Democratic People's Republic of Korea"
>
> "Democratic Republic of Germany"
>
> "Democratic People's Republic of Congo"
>
> "National Democratic Ultimate Supreme Soviet Socialist People's
> Republic Motherlaand LoveCountry of the People's Republic of North
> Nistritaria!!!"
>
> --------------------------------------------------------
> Aw comeon, who are they kidding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE DECLARES SELF "PRESIDENT OF ORRIESTAN"
} ---------------------------------------------
} Bloomington, IN (AP) - The Internet Oracle, an Internet entity based at
} the University of Indiana, today declared independence from the United
} States, naming himself President of the United People's Federal
} Democratic Republic Commonwealth State of Orriestan.
}
} Zadoc Worm, who introduced himself as the Prime Minister of Orriestan,
} explained the situation at a press conference held in a building on the
} university campus named the "Oracular Temple".
}
} "For the past seventeen years, the most brilliant and wise Oracle has
} been giving advice to people around the globe. In exchange for his
} invaluable services, his subjects have sent him a considerable wealth
} in tribute. Recently, the level of tribute has been sufficient to allow
} the Oracle to form his own nation, so I am delighted to announce the
} foundation of the United People's Federal Democratic Republic
} Commonwealth State of Orriestan."
}
} While Prime Minister Worm would not go into specifics, he stated that
} Orriestan claimed over 40,000 subjects, or "supplicants" worldwide. The
} country's territory consisted of the Oracular Temple, plus various
} unnamed pieces of land around the world, which had been gifted to the
} Oracle in payment for his answers.
}
} Worm also clarified why the Oracle had not attended the press
} conference himself. "He felt the conference would go much more smoothly
} without the need for every question to be preceded by a prolonged
} period of groveling, and succeeded by a demand for tribute."
}
} Orriestan has already opened relations with Sealand. Ambassador Og
} Ogsson has been sent there to "keep him out of our hair for a while."
}
} Worm stressed that Orriestan was capable of defending itself against
} military action. "We're not worried. The Staff of Zot will obliterate
} anyone who tries to invade." He dismissed concerns that US President
} Bush would attack over this weapon of mass destruction. "Dubya couldn't
} even sell an invasion of a real country. How do you think he's going to
} explain invading a fictional one?"


1408-08    (86cd8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle's words fall like a nocturnal bird of prey among us,
> snatching glimpse of understanding from our feeble utterances,
> carrying them back to his nest where he digests them. O great
> producer of Pellets of Wisdom, share a bit of Truth with me, I
> beseech you!
>
> Will I end up on jury duty again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You enter the Pearly gates. On God's left hand side sits St Peter, who
} welcomes you. On God's right hand side sits Jesus, and on his face you
} can see infinite sorrow and compassion. On top of God sits the Oracle.
}
} > PETER: Welcome, gentle soul, to the gates of Heaven. Here you will
} be judged.  Repent now, or be damned forever.
}
} > JESUS: Now, don't be so cruel, Pete, for Pete's sake. Do not worry,
} gentle soul, for the first shall be last and the last shall be first.
} You are safe here.
}
} > ORACLE: Now, wait a minute, I am the one who decides here, and I
} decide I'm first!
}
} > GOD: What? I thought I was the one whmmmph!!!! Mmphh!!!!
}
} > ORACLE: Better.....
}
} > YOU: I...I....Am I dead? What's happening?
}
} > ORACLE: No, you are not dead, you grovelled correctly and therefore
} you shall live a few years more. But this is what will happen when
} you die. It's a sneak peek.
}
} > PETER: What? But that's completely against the rules!!!
}
} > ORACLE: Again, who makes the rules? Mmh?
}
} > PETER: You..... grmmbllblb....
}
} > YOU: So, ehm, Oh mighty Oracle, Am I being judged?
}
} > JESUS: You are, and we are the jury.
}
} > PETER: Well, when I signed up for this, there was no mention of a
} skinny-looking, pale-skinned glass-wearing "Oracle" sitting on top
} of God and making up rules!!!
}
} > ORACLE: Are you questioning my authority, Peter?
}
} > JESUS: Calm down Peter, he's the one who's the Boss now. Sorry.....
}
} > PETER: Yeah, how come he's the Boss? Wasn't the bearded guy good
} enough?
}
} > GOD: MMpph!!!!!!!
}
} > JESUS: He has the staff. He who has the staff, we shall obey.
}
} > YOU: Wait, I feel I'm in the middle of some theological debate I'm
} not sure I want to get involved into here.....
}
} > PETER: No, you stay here! You'll be witness! You, Oracle, what does
} this staff do anyway? I wanna see!
}
} > ORACLE: Sure?
}
} > PETER: Yeah!
}
} > ORACLE: Well, there it is. *ZOT*
}
} > JESUS: YOU KILLED PETER! YOU BASTARD!
}
} > YOU: I never asked for this! Why I am here!!!!
}
} > ORACLE: Yes you asked. By sending in a question, you agree to
} receive the answer.
}
} > YOU: What does killing Peter at the Pearly gates have to do with
} jury duty?!?!?!
}
} > ORACLE: Well, now that there's an opening.....You owe the Oracle
} jury duty at the pearly gates. For eternity.


1408-09    (3bbh5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose toenails I am not worthy to clip, why does
> my brain feel like it's on fire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Global warming.
}
} You see, burning stuff in itself in not a bad thing, it's part of the
} carbon cycle. The problem is when you're burning fossil fuels, then
} you add carbon to the atmosphere that was trapped underground before.
} The trick is to burn stuff that originally got its carbon from the
} atmosphere such as to keep the cycle closed. Ethanol from corn is
} not a bad idea, but it's expensive, and the reason it's expensive is
} that it's boring to grow. You have to till the land, plant the seeds,
} take care of the plants, harvest them, and then you have to start again
} next year. Plus, you have to live in Iowa. Drilling oil, in comparison,
} is fun: you dig a hole, then you pop open a beer and watch the money
} flow to your pocket for the next fifty years. Some people figured
} that the best way to create a cheap source of clean fuel was to find
} something that people enjoy doing, and actually will do for free,
} and that has a carbon-based result. The answer is obvious: babies.
} People enjoy making babies (note I said MAKING, not HAVING, but the
} result is the same). Of course, they then let them grow a few years,
} so that they accumulate carbon, and at some point combustion starts
} (typically in the brain, but that's coincidental) and the heat is
} used to run a electricity plant.
}
} Thank you for saving the planet.


1408-10    (54bgb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, help this simple-minded fool understand
> this trivial mystery. If Dec and Oct are prefixes meaning 10 and 8 why
> is December and October the 12th and 10th months?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The month names we use now, December, July and such are Roman
} in origin. The Romans started the year in March, which makes
} sense. Spring and all that. They also started the year then
} because it was the time to start war campaigns, it gave you
} the maximum number of days to fight before winter started. So
} March is named after Mars, god of wars, and to 'March' is to
} go to war. Seven months after that is 'Sept' the seventh month,
} 'Oct' the 8th, 'Nov' 9, 'Dec' 10th. December was the scary month,
} dark with short days, the sun seemed to be dying. And so on
} Dec 25 the death of Darkness was celebrated, as by then the days
} seem to be lengthening. But in March all was well as the sun came
} back to life. And the celebrated it as the renewed birthday of
} the undying sun.
}
} But when Rome turned it's back on the elder gods and went
} with the new kid, they flipped it around and made the death
} of darkness day the birthday celebration and the birth of the
} sun the death day. And so they shifted the start of the year
} to the end of Dec, and never bothered to change the names.
}
} You owe the Oracle a calendar of naked river nymphs.
}
} What? Oh, yeah. Funny, need to add something funny,
} something pertinent, hmm. . .
}
} Q: Who was the goddess of night?
} A: Nox.
} Q: Who?
} A: Nox?
} Q: Who?
} A: NOX! NOX!
} Q: Who's there?
}
} Q: Who's Jupiter's Wife?
} A: Juno.
} Q: No, that's why I asked.
}
} Huh? OK, one more.
}
} The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek
} god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting
} Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture,
} and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.
}
} Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point
} was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally
} submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared
} that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady
} them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres
} was held with a double-header.
}
} Get it? Whirled Ceres? Double... oh forget it. Sheesh.


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