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Internet Oracularities #1409

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Internet Oracularities #1409    (39 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2006 10:07:40 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1409  39 votes 38ca6 32be9 26cb8 3faa1 07ag6 6c795 3ad94 3ae66 4ag81 07df4
1409  3.2 mean  3.2   3.6   3.4   2.8   3.5   2.9   3.0   3.1   2.8   3.4


1409-01    (38ca6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cerulean dreams strike again. Welcome to Aquamariana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excerpt of entry from The Oracle Encyclopedia of Damnably Near
} Everything:
}
} Aquamariana
} -------------------
}
} A vast resort complex (formerly Pepperland) developed by the Blue
} Meanies after their encounter with the Beatles. After music was
} restored to Pepperland after the aforementioned encounter and they
} were removed from power, the Blue Meanies were provided retraining
} and educational services as well as dominion over their homeland in
} the north of Pepperland.
}
} Through shrewd investing and capital management (with the help of a
} funds generated by a casino built on the Blue Meanie ancestral lands)
} and a series of questionable land deals, the Blue Meanies acquired
} deed to all of Pepperland in 1984.  The Pepperland real estate was then
} leased to resource speculators who proceeded to mine the land and all
} readily available resources were extracted.  In 1996, the Blue Meanie
} consortium announced that the land would then be developed into a a
} spa and resort complex known as Aquamariana.  Its initial advertising
} campaign used the enigmatic tag line "Cerulean dreams strike again."
} to engender mystery and interest generate interest and engender mystery
} and buzz. After it was officially introduced to the public, "Welcome to
} Aquamariana." was added and this remains its current advertising face.
}
} Completed in 1999, Aquamariana has become famous for its specialties
} of almost absolute quiet, Tantric standing gardens (where visitors
} are invited to stand very still in a selected pose for long periods
} of time and engage in self reflection), and the long running comedy
} show starring Glove.  To help maintain the extreme quiet, no music
} of any sort is allowed on the grounds.
}
} The Blue Meanie consortium has indicated interest in expanding its
} operations to Oz, Narnia, and Rainbow Valley.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hole from your pocket.


1409-02    (32be9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dingaling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle scowled as he stalked to the door. Who the hell did they
} think they were, interrupting him like this? He flung the door open and
} glowered at the slouching figure on the porch. "Can't you read?!" he
} roared. "Supplicants use the tradesmen's entrance!" He slammed the door
} shut and stomped back to the lounge.
}
} He had barely picked up his magazine before the doorbell rang again.
} With a growl he marched back to the hallway. As the door crashed open
} he thundered, "I told you to use the other door! I don't care how
} important you think your pathetic little problem is, you'll bloody well
} wait at that door, and if you're lucky one of my priests will shift off
} his indolent arse to waste his time on it! Now bugger off!"
}
} On his way back to the lounge, he aimed a kick at a perfectly innocent
} bookcase, and broke two of the legs on his armchair as he threw himself
} at it. He sighed heavily and reached for his coffee mug.
}
} Three seconds later, the mug had impacted the far wall. Floorboards
} cracked under the Oracle's feet as he pounded his way to where the bell
} was once again insistently ringing. The Oracle knew just what to expect
} as he fairly ripped the door off its hinges: the same supplicant, still
} slouching, still impervious to any good sense.
}
} Dark clouds appeared overhead as the Oracle drew himself up to his full
} height. A deathly silence fell as he raised both arms above his head.
} With a thunderous ZOT the supplicant vanished in a cloud of green
} sparks and ozone.
}
} The Oracle descended into an eerie calm. He prised off the back of the
} doorbell, pulled a few wires and attached them to the Staff of Zot. He
} scrawled "Please Do Not Push This Button" above the bell. "There," he
} thought. "That ought to take care of the clueless twits who ring my
} bell." Then he went inside and dialled for a pizza.


1409-03    (26cb8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do post-nuclear sunsets look so stunningly beatiful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a little story that you might have heard before in a vulgarised
} form.
}
} First there was stuff. Honestly, stuff was boring. It was just there.
} We tried to figure what we could do with it. It's Lisa who came up
} with the idea of "movement". She's perfected it since then, what you
} got is actually just movement v1.0. Trust me, you couldn't handle
} what she does now.....
}
} So there was movement. Stuff started to flow around. It was fun for
} a while, but pretty chaotic. Zadoc can't handle chaos, as the good
} little bureaucrat he is he wants everything to be in neat little piles,
} so he invented gravity.
}
} At that point, we had planets, and planetary systems, and larger
} structures up to clusters of galaxies. It was nice really. One the
} best thing that Zadoc did. But there was nothing on the surface of
} the planets, as gravity was too weak to affect such small objects.
}
} It was Thor who invented the electromagnetic force. He used the earth's
} surface as his playground for a while, blasting thunder here and there,
} and we let him do that, but his invention also spawned big changes.
} The general "stuff" that was before was beginning to make itself
} into different kinds of stuffs, and these "elements" could react one
} with another. Chemistry was born.
}
} Of course, Og wanted his own force too. Good little Og. We called
} his force the weak force. Guess why.
}
} At that point, Mother Nature came to me and said "I was thinking,
} it would be interesting if all this chemical stuff could arrange
} itself in more complex carbonated pattern. It needs energy to do so,
} but if we put the surface on fire it will destroy these newly created
} "organic" chemicals! What should we do?". I agreed that "organic"
} chemicals seemed like a good idea, although in retrospect I shouldn't
} have (I never thought of the smell.....), so I sat down and looked
} for a solution. It took some time, but I finally got it: if make up
} a new force, that I will call "nuclear", that only kicks in at very
} high pressure, I can light up this big blob of hydrogen over there,
} without lighting up the smaller bodies! Stars and planets were born,
} and there was the first sunset.
}
} So post-nuclear sunset are stunningly beautiful because pre-nuclear
} sunset did not involve light and were, quite frankly, boring.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Grand Unification Theory, with worked-out examples
} and experimental verification.


1409-04    (3faa1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ruins: Colesseum or Maachu Piichu?
>        Angkor Wat or Stonehenge?
>        Roman Catacombs or Parisian?
>
> Towers: Empire State or Chrysler?
>         Eifel Tower or Burj?
>         Ostankino or Auckland?
>
> Countries: France or Germany?
>            England or China?
>            Thailand or Mexico?
>
> Cities: Paris or London?
>         Athens or Rome?
>         Dubai or Hong Kong?
>
> Women: Welsh or Swedish?
>        English or Irish?
>        Chinese or Arab?
>        Italian or Greek? (rrraw!)
>        Jewish or Muslim?
>        Scottish or Australian?
>        New Zealandish or Iranian?
>        Blonde or Brunnette?
>        Blackhaired or Redhead?
>
> I grovel in advance of your pronouncements...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ruins: Ah! The places of old where they worshipped me...oh, how I long
} for them. How can I give preference to any, who have of old served me,
} me, great me...need I explain further?
}
} Towers: Alas! The modern world has forgotten me...they have turned
} aside from the ancestral ways, and only in the confines of the internet
} am I yet revered...hmm...*ZOT*
}
} Well, took care of that.
}
} Countries: *takes out travel guide and calendar* You won't mind paying
} for a little research here, right? Hmm...Thailand, Germany, France,
} England...yup--sounds like a plan!
}
} Cities: Paris or London: Look, Paris has good bread, better wine,
} decent sauces, and much porn late at night (not that an omniscient
} Oracle needs *that*...including it for documentation's sake...France
} *is* on my tour list above, right?). London...kidney pie, warm beer,
} and...well...let's not think about English porn.
}
} Athens or Rome: C'mon! I'm the bloody Oracle! I haven't forgotten
} Greece yet...wait...after consulting with the Centurion, I've decided
} to go with Rome. See, after what they did to that Jesus fellow...
}
} Dubai or Hong Kong: I think we took care of this one under "towers".
}
} You owe the Oracle a well-documented and fully researched answer to
} the "women" question. Photographic documentation is preferred.


1409-05    (07ag6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I never finish what I

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you're trying to be f


1409-06    (6c795 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, my gosh.  Like fer shur.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} fur elise.
}
} Da    da    da     da
}    da    da           da
}                Duh
}                          DUH


1409-07    (3ad94 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Evil green beams of death shall fly out of my snout??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yea, the Heavens shake and the Earths tremble, the clouds disperse,
} the seas depart from the land, and through the people passes a great
} stone.
}
} In these days shall the nations of men flock apart, and the beasts of
} the field flock together, and the birds of the sky flock willy-nilly.
} A great flocking, a great terror, and a great befuddlement all who
} witness it.
}
} And lo, I looked, and saw a snout in the sky. On the snout were seven
} wings and two buffalo. A flame trailed behind it, and green beams of
} death before it.
}
} All who saw it fled and gibbered, and there was a wailing and changing
} of tense.


1409-08    (3ae66 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The dimly lit corridor leads downwards into the Earth, fading
> into intimidating blackness as it goes ever deeper.  I pause for a
> moment to gather my breath.  Odd that it should be so hot down here.
> I cast a glance behind me, but I can no longer see the pale circle
> of daylight that marked the entrance to the tunnel.  Although I know
> I have been underground for less than an hour, it somehow seems longer.
> God!  I wish I could rest.
>
> A guttural squeaking draws me swiftly from my self pity.  A small
> bundle of fur had launched itself towards me from a small side tunnel.
> Ha!  I had met these beasts before and I bore the scars to prove it.
> I am not so tired that I will meet my end at the teeth of this one.
> My skills are well practiced and without thinking I spin to meet the
> threat.  A simple swing of my sword and my attacker became nothing
> more than a bloody mark on the tunnel wall.  Foolish creature that
> it thought me such easy prey.
>
> But wait.  Even as I registered the sound and berated myself for
> falling into so simple a trap, my body was already turning to meet
> this new threat.  Three of the creatures swarmed from another hidden
> passageway and threw themselves towards me. I dodge the first and
> see close up the mad eyes and razor teeth of the fell beast as it
> whistles past.  Doing the only thing I can, I swing my torch in an
> arc before me attempting to deflect the other two.  I am rewarded by
> a hissing squeak of pain and the sickening smell of burning flesh
> and fur.  The third of the animals somehow manages to get a grip
> on my wrist and gurgles with triumph as it sinks its fangs into my
> lower arm.  Though the pain sent waves of dizziness through my body,
> and I fought the urge to be sick, I have known, and survived, worse.
>
> The momentum of my swing and the weight of the creature dangling from
> my arm pulls me further round.  Rather than fight the movement, I go
> with it and gain control of my body in time to plant my boot firmly in
> the face of the first of the evil creatures which had just recovered
> from its impact with the wall.  I am rewarded with the satisfying
> sound of cracking bone.  I have no time to rejoice that I have rid
> this world of another of these abominations for I still have one to
> deal with. Although I find it awkward to draw my dagger left handed,
> I am not swayed from my course and soon this last creature joins his
> brethren in whatever hell waits for these loathsome creatures.
>
> I attempt to bandage my injured wrist and manage to slow the bleeding.
> I am worried that blood loss may slow me down, but I have come too far
> to turn back now.  It will all be over soon, one way or the other,
> and it won't matter what happens to me after that.  I pray that I
> will be successful, for there are precious few left who would attempt
> the task. With my torch held aloft and my sword gripped as firmly
> as my wrist will allow, I set off down the tunnel.  I am no longer
> concerned with stealth.  Swiftness, now, is my only hope.
>
> Ahead I can hear an intensity of squeaking and I know that I am near to
> my goal.  Soon, my flickering torchlight shows me a rough-hewn cavern.
> It is the echoes from this cavern that I can hear, rather than a
> multitude of beasts and I give thanks to the great powers that I may
> safely approach.  As I enter the cavern I am greeted by a sight that
> makes my blood turn cold.  For the first time in many years I feel
> the icy finger of fear wrapped around my heart.  I thought that I had
> fought my share of beasts and knew well the varieties this vicious
> species produced.  Here, though, was one bigger than I had ever seen.
> It is sitting on a crude wooden throne and as it hears my approach it
> turns towards me.  Its lips draw back to reveal fangs as big as my
> dagger and its red tinged eyes glitter with unnatural intelligence.
> Perhaps this is the beast I have been seeking.
>
> "So, puny mortal, you have defeated my guards.  But you shall
> never beat me.  Prepare to feel the wrath of the Woodchuck King".
>
> Even though I am shocked that this ungodly animal can speak, I
> am nevertheless overjoyed.  This is, indeed, the focus of my quest.
> Now I finally have the chance to rid our lands of the very source of
> the furry plague.  Tightening my resolve and my grip on my sword,
> I start towards the throne.  I am worried that the monster has not
> moved, but it is of no matter.  I must slay him and I will do so.
>
> "You have caused too much misery, Woodchuck.  Now it is time to
> finish this.  Make your peace with whatever depraved gods you follow."
>
> I am almost within arm's reach of it, and yet still it does not move.
> After all this time, could it really be so easy?  It locked eyes with
> me, and twisted its fangs and lips in a grotesque parody of a smile.
>
> "Not so fast, human.  There's someone I'd like you to meet.  Say hello
> to my finest creations."
>
> From behind the throne appear three giant creatures.  Once, perhaps,
> they had been woodchucks, but now they had grown and twisted
> into something new.  I try to throw my sword, hoping to slay the
> Woodchuck King, but his creations are too fast.  My sword hits one
> in the shoulder and clatters uselessly to the floor.  As I back away
> from the three slavering monsters I draw my dagger, painfully aware
> that their teeth and fangs are longer than my weapon.  I stumble back
> towards the tunnel. Perhaps if I can fight them one at a time I may be
> able to triumph.  A noise behind me alerts me just in time to avoid
> the wicked blow that would have finished me.  Two more of the foul
> creations are coming from the tunnel.  I am trapped.  The creatures
> move to surround me, keeping me from any useful course of action with
> feints and false charges.  They toy with me as cats would a mouse.
> I am resolved to die a warrior's death.  There is but one thing left
> to try.
>
> "Oh mighty Oracle, hear me in my hour of dire peril.  Aid thy servant
> so I may slay thine enemies"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *BEEP BEEP BEEP* I'm sorry, the oracle cannot be reached at this time.
} Please leave a message after the tone. For our autoZOT service,
} please dial the star key at this time.  ...  *BEEP*
}
} In a last-ditch resort, I press the star key.
}
} "If you would like to ZOT a single person, point the phone and
} press 1.  If you would like to ZOT every woodchuck in a two mile
} radius, press 2..."
}
} That was the break I needed. I quickly press 2 on my cellular phone.
}
} "Thank you. An infinite number of dollars has been charged to your
} account.  Please hold the phone straight up into the air and press
} the pound key when ready."
}
} I quickly hold the phone up to the air and press the pound key.
} Suddenly, a shock wave generates from the antenna. As the blue wave
} of light travels down, each woodchuck in its path looks like they're
} getting electrocuted, then start to melt like the Nazi priests in
} "Indiana Jones and the Ark of the Covenant". It's ugly, but I enjoy
} every second of it. After 3 seconds, it's over. The woodchucks in
} this area are gone. I climb up to find a celebration of all the
} readers of oracle, and they credit the ZOT charge for me. Suddenly,
} I wake up to find I have to use the lavatory.


1409-09    (4ag81 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> one other thing, it's ENTIRELY NON HYDROGENIC! You look at the crap
> that some of the others are selling, and, well, it's like it's all over
> the place. Sheesh! This kind, I mean, there's nothing like it. I know
> you'll love it. Any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you're selling me a product made of pure helium and you expect me
} to do thermonuclear fusion with it?
}
} Well you better give me a whole @#%&~?=! shitload of it and come back
} in a few gajillion years to get payment.
}
} Your white dwarf will be ready by then. CARBONIC!


1409-10    (07df4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most apparent heir to the Crown of Knowledge, and
> Noble Dweller of the Seat of Sophism,
>
> Should we bury him with The Jewel as he requested?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Okay.. so the dude has this quarter-pound, phosphorescent,
} luminescent, incandescent, highly refractive, semi-transparent,
} flawless perfect trilithonic adamantine radioactive blue diamond and
} you;re just going to throw it away like some crusty old piece of
} horses#!+ like that? Well yes.. yes you should.
}
} You owe me the grave and plot number.


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