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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cerulean dreams strike again. Welcome to Aquamariana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excerpt of entry from The Oracle Encyclopedia of Damnably Near } Everything: } } Aquamariana } ------------------- } } A vast resort complex (formerly Pepperland) developed by the Blue } Meanies after their encounter with the Beatles. After music was } restored to Pepperland after the aforementioned encounter and they } were removed from power, the Blue Meanies were provided retraining } and educational services as well as dominion over their homeland in } the north of Pepperland. } } Through shrewd investing and capital management (with the help of a } funds generated by a casino built on the Blue Meanie ancestral lands) } and a series of questionable land deals, the Blue Meanies acquired } deed to all of Pepperland in 1984.  The Pepperland real estate was then } leased to resource speculators who proceeded to mine the land and all } readily available resources were extracted.  In 1996, the Blue Meanie } consortium announced that the land would then be developed into a a } spa and resort complex known as Aquamariana.  Its initial advertising } campaign used the enigmatic tag line "Cerulean dreams strike again." } to engender mystery and interest generate interest and engender mystery } and buzz. After it was officially introduced to the public, "Welcome to } Aquamariana." was added and this remains its current advertising face. } } Completed in 1999, Aquamariana has become famous for its specialties } of almost absolute quiet, Tantric standing gardens (where visitors } are invited to stand very still in a selected pose for long periods } of time and engage in self reflection), and the long running comedy } show starring Glove.  To help maintain the extreme quiet, no music } of any sort is allowed on the grounds. } } The Blue Meanie consortium has indicated interest in expanding its } operations to Oz, Narnia, and Rainbow Valley. } } You owe the Oracle a hole from your pocket.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dingaling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle scowled as he stalked to the door. Who the hell did they } think they were, interrupting him like this? He flung the door open and } glowered at the slouching figure on the porch. "Can't you read?!" he } roared. "Supplicants use the tradesmen's entrance!" He slammed the door } shut and stomped back to the lounge. } } He had barely picked up his magazine before the doorbell rang again. } With a growl he marched back to the hallway. As the door crashed open } he thundered, "I told you to use the other door! I don't care how } important you think your pathetic little problem is, you'll bloody well } wait at that door, and if you're lucky one of my priests will shift off } his indolent arse to waste his time on it! Now bugger off!" } } On his way back to the lounge, he aimed a kick at a perfectly innocent } bookcase, and broke two of the legs on his armchair as he threw himself } at it. He sighed heavily and reached for his coffee mug. } } Three seconds later, the mug had impacted the far wall. Floorboards } cracked under the Oracle's feet as he pounded his way to where the bell } was once again insistently ringing. The Oracle knew just what to expect } as he fairly ripped the door off its hinges: the same supplicant, still } slouching, still impervious to any good sense. } } Dark clouds appeared overhead as the Oracle drew himself up to his full } height. A deathly silence fell as he raised both arms above his head. } With a thunderous ZOT the supplicant vanished in a cloud of green } sparks and ozone. } } The Oracle descended into an eerie calm. He prised off the back of the } doorbell, pulled a few wires and attached them to the Staff of Zot. He } scrawled "Please Do Not Push This Button" above the bell. "There," he } thought. "That ought to take care of the clueless twits who ring my } bell." Then he went inside and dialled for a pizza.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do post-nuclear sunsets look so stunningly beatiful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a little story that you might have heard before in a vulgarised } form. } } First there was stuff. Honestly, stuff was boring. It was just there. } We tried to figure what we could do with it. It's Lisa who came up } with the idea of "movement". She's perfected it since then, what you } got is actually just movement v1.0. Trust me, you couldn't handle } what she does now..... } } So there was movement. Stuff started to flow around. It was fun for } a while, but pretty chaotic. Zadoc can't handle chaos, as the good } little bureaucrat he is he wants everything to be in neat little piles, } so he invented gravity. } } At that point, we had planets, and planetary systems, and larger } structures up to clusters of galaxies. It was nice really. One the } best thing that Zadoc did. But there was nothing on the surface of } the planets, as gravity was too weak to affect such small objects. } } It was Thor who invented the electromagnetic force. He used the earth's } surface as his playground for a while, blasting thunder here and there, } and we let him do that, but his invention also spawned big changes. } The general "stuff" that was before was beginning to make itself } into different kinds of stuffs, and these "elements" could react one } with another. Chemistry was born. } } Of course, Og wanted his own force too. Good little Og. We called } his force the weak force. Guess why. } } At that point, Mother Nature came to me and said "I was thinking, } it would be interesting if all this chemical stuff could arrange } itself in more complex carbonated pattern. It needs energy to do so, } but if we put the surface on fire it will destroy these newly created } "organic" chemicals! What should we do?". I agreed that "organic" } chemicals seemed like a good idea, although in retrospect I shouldn't } have (I never thought of the smell.....), so I sat down and looked } for a solution. It took some time, but I finally got it: if make up } a new force, that I will call "nuclear", that only kicks in at very } high pressure, I can light up this big blob of hydrogen over there, } without lighting up the smaller bodies! Stars and planets were born, } and there was the first sunset. } } So post-nuclear sunset are stunningly beautiful because pre-nuclear } sunset did not involve light and were, quite frankly, boring. } } You owe the Oracle a Grand Unification Theory, with worked-out examples } and experimental verification.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ruins: Colesseum or Maachu Piichu? >        Angkor Wat or Stonehenge? >        Roman Catacombs or Parisian? > > Towers: Empire State or Chrysler? >         Eifel Tower or Burj? >         Ostankino or Auckland? > > Countries: France or Germany? >            England or China? >            Thailand or Mexico? > > Cities: Paris or London? >         Athens or Rome? >         Dubai or Hong Kong? > > Women: Welsh or Swedish? >        English or Irish? >        Chinese or Arab? >        Italian or Greek? (rrraw!) >        Jewish or Muslim? >        Scottish or Australian? >        New Zealandish or Iranian? >        Blonde or Brunnette? >        Blackhaired or Redhead? > > I grovel in advance of your pronouncements...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ruins: Ah! The places of old where they worshipped me...oh, how I long } for them. How can I give preference to any, who have of old served me, } me, great me...need I explain further? } } Towers: Alas! The modern world has forgotten me...they have turned } aside from the ancestral ways, and only in the confines of the internet } am I yet revered...hmm...*ZOT* } } Well, took care of that. } } Countries: *takes out travel guide and calendar* You won't mind paying } for a little research here, right? Hmm...Thailand, Germany, France, } England...yup--sounds like a plan! } } Cities: Paris or London: Look, Paris has good bread, better wine, } decent sauces, and much porn late at night (not that an omniscient } Oracle needs *that*...including it for documentation's sake...France } *is* on my tour list above, right?). London...kidney pie, warm beer, } and...well...let's not think about English porn. } } Athens or Rome: C'mon! I'm the bloody Oracle! I haven't forgotten } Greece yet...wait...after consulting with the Centurion, I've decided } to go with Rome. See, after what they did to that Jesus fellow... } } Dubai or Hong Kong: I think we took care of this one under "towers". } } You owe the Oracle a well-documented and fully researched answer to } the "women" question. Photographic documentation is preferred.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I never finish what I

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you're trying to be f

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, my gosh.  Like fer shur.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} fur elise. } } Da    da    da     da }    da    da           da }                Duh }                          DUH

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Evil green beams of death shall fly out of my snout??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yea, the Heavens shake and the Earths tremble, the clouds disperse, } the seas depart from the land, and through the people passes a great } stone. } } In these days shall the nations of men flock apart, and the beasts of } the field flock together, and the birds of the sky flock willy-nilly. } A great flocking, a great terror, and a great befuddlement all who } witness it. } } And lo, I looked, and saw a snout in the sky. On the snout were seven } wings and two buffalo. A flame trailed behind it, and green beams of } death before it. } } All who saw it fled and gibbered, and there was a wailing and changing } of tense.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The dimly lit corridor leads downwards into the Earth, fading > into intimidating blackness as it goes ever deeper.  I pause for a > moment to gather my breath.  Odd that it should be so hot down here. > I cast a glance behind me, but I can no longer see the pale circle > of daylight that marked the entrance to the tunnel.  Although I know > I have been underground for less than an hour, it somehow seems longer. > God!  I wish I could rest. > > A guttural squeaking draws me swiftly from my self pity.  A small > bundle of fur had launched itself towards me from a small side tunnel. > Ha!  I had met these beasts before and I bore the scars to prove it. > I am not so tired that I will meet my end at the teeth of this one. > My skills are well practiced and without thinking I spin to meet the > threat.  A simple swing of my sword and my attacker became nothing > more than a bloody mark on the tunnel wall.  Foolish creature that > it thought me such easy prey. > > But wait.  Even as I registered the sound and berated myself for > falling into so simple a trap, my body was already turning to meet > this new threat.  Three of the creatures swarmed from another hidden > passageway and threw themselves towards me. I dodge the first and > see close up the mad eyes and razor teeth of the fell beast as it > whistles past.  Doing the only thing I can, I swing my torch in an > arc before me attempting to deflect the other two.  I am rewarded by > a hissing squeak of pain and the sickening smell of burning flesh > and fur.  The third of the animals somehow manages to get a grip > on my wrist and gurgles with triumph as it sinks its fangs into my > lower arm.  Though the pain sent waves of dizziness through my body, > and I fought the urge to be sick, I have known, and survived, worse. > > The momentum of my swing and the weight of the creature dangling from > my arm pulls me further round.  Rather than fight the movement, I go > with it and gain control of my body in time to plant my boot firmly in > the face of the first of the evil creatures which had just recovered > from its impact with the wall.  I am rewarded with the satisfying > sound of cracking bone.  I have no time to rejoice that I have rid > this world of another of these abominations for I still have one to > deal with. Although I find it awkward to draw my dagger left handed, > I am not swayed from my course and soon this last creature joins his > brethren in whatever hell waits for these loathsome creatures. > > I attempt to bandage my injured wrist and manage to slow the bleeding. > I am worried that blood loss may slow me down, but I have come too far > to turn back now.  It will all be over soon, one way or the other, > and it won't matter what happens to me after that.  I pray that I > will be successful, for there are precious few left who would attempt > the task. With my torch held aloft and my sword gripped as firmly > as my wrist will allow, I set off down the tunnel.  I am no longer > concerned with stealth.  Swiftness, now, is my only hope. > > Ahead I can hear an intensity of squeaking and I know that I am near to > my goal.  Soon, my flickering torchlight shows me a rough-hewn cavern. > It is the echoes from this cavern that I can hear, rather than a > multitude of beasts and I give thanks to the great powers that I may > safely approach.  As I enter the cavern I am greeted by a sight that > makes my blood turn cold.  For the first time in many years I feel > the icy finger of fear wrapped around my heart.  I thought that I had > fought my share of beasts and knew well the varieties this vicious > species produced.  Here, though, was one bigger than I had ever seen. > It is sitting on a crude wooden throne and as it hears my approach it > turns towards me.  Its lips draw back to reveal fangs as big as my > dagger and its red tinged eyes glitter with unnatural intelligence. > Perhaps this is the beast I have been seeking. > > "So, puny mortal, you have defeated my guards.  But you shall > never beat me.  Prepare to feel the wrath of the Woodchuck King". > > Even though I am shocked that this ungodly animal can speak, I > am nevertheless overjoyed.  This is, indeed, the focus of my quest. > Now I finally have the chance to rid our lands of the very source of > the furry plague.  Tightening my resolve and my grip on my sword, > I start towards the throne.  I am worried that the monster has not > moved, but it is of no matter.  I must slay him and I will do so. > > "You have caused too much misery, Woodchuck.  Now it is time to > finish this.  Make your peace with whatever depraved gods you follow." > > I am almost within arm's reach of it, and yet still it does not move. > After all this time, could it really be so easy?  It locked eyes with > me, and twisted its fangs and lips in a grotesque parody of a smile. > > "Not so fast, human.  There's someone I'd like you to meet.  Say hello > to my finest creations." > > From behind the throne appear three giant creatures.  Once, perhaps, > they had been woodchucks, but now they had grown and twisted > into something new.  I try to throw my sword, hoping to slay the > Woodchuck King, but his creations are too fast.  My sword hits one > in the shoulder and clatters uselessly to the floor.  As I back away > from the three slavering monsters I draw my dagger, painfully aware > that their teeth and fangs are longer than my weapon.  I stumble back > towards the tunnel. Perhaps if I can fight them one at a time I may be > able to triumph.  A noise behind me alerts me just in time to avoid > the wicked blow that would have finished me.  Two more of the foul > creations are coming from the tunnel.  I am trapped.  The creatures > move to surround me, keeping me from any useful course of action with > feints and false charges.  They toy with me as cats would a mouse. > I am resolved to die a warrior's death.  There is but one thing left > to try. > > "Oh mighty Oracle, hear me in my hour of dire peril.  Aid thy servant > so I may slay thine enemies"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *BEEP BEEP BEEP* I'm sorry, the oracle cannot be reached at this time. } Please leave a message after the tone. For our autoZOT service, } please dial the star key at this time.  ...  *BEEP* } } In a last-ditch resort, I press the star key. } } "If you would like to ZOT a single person, point the phone and } press 1.  If you would like to ZOT every woodchuck in a two mile } radius, press 2..." } } That was the break I needed. I quickly press 2 on my cellular phone. } } "Thank you. An infinite number of dollars has been charged to your } account.  Please hold the phone straight up into the air and press } the pound key when ready." } } I quickly hold the phone up to the air and press the pound key. } Suddenly, a shock wave generates from the antenna. As the blue wave } of light travels down, each woodchuck in its path looks like they're } getting electrocuted, then start to melt like the Nazi priests in } "Indiana Jones and the Ark of the Covenant". It's ugly, but I enjoy } every second of it. After 3 seconds, it's over. The woodchucks in } this area are gone. I climb up to find a celebration of all the } readers of oracle, and they credit the ZOT charge for me. Suddenly, } I wake up to find I have to use the lavatory.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> one other thing, it's ENTIRELY NON HYDROGENIC! You look at the crap > that some of the others are selling, and, well, it's like it's all over > the place. Sheesh! This kind, I mean, there's nothing like it. I know > you'll love it. Any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you're selling me a product made of pure helium and you expect me } to do thermonuclear fusion with it? } } Well you better give me a whole @#%&~?=! shitload of it and come back } in a few gajillion years to get payment. } } Your white dwarf will be ready by then. CARBONIC!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most apparent heir to the Crown of Knowledge, and > Noble Dweller of the Seat of Sophism, > > Should we bury him with The Jewel as he requested?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Okay.. so the dude has this quarter-pound, phosphorescent, } luminescent, incandescent, highly refractive, semi-transparent, } flawless perfect trilithonic adamantine radioactive blue diamond and } you;re just going to throw it away like some crusty old piece of } horses#!+ like that? Well yes.. yes you should. } } You owe me the grave and plot number.