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Internet Oracularities #1410

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1410, 1410-01, 1410-02, 1410-03, 1410-04, 1410-05, 1410-06, 1410-07, 1410-08, 1410-09, 1410-10


Internet Oracularities #1410    (41 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 10:55:00 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1410
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1410  41 votes 23add 68ca5 4de73 38e97 11dfb 16l76 5cb94 37f97 109eh 0ebd3
1410  3.3 mean  3.8   3.0   2.8   3.2   3.8   3.3   2.9   3.2   4.1   3.1


1410-01    (23add dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Sublemon and Sublime,
>
> With the advent of Wikipedia, has the need for an Internet Oracle
> passed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While both pass gibberish off as wisdom the problem with
} Wikipedia is that precious few of its users realize it is
} a joke, while it is rare to find anyone participating in
} Oracle experience who isn't in on the gag.
}
} You owe the Oracle an airplane piloted by passenger consensus.


1410-02    (68ca5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oriole, er Oracle, I've been thinking:
>
> In Oracularity #1403 I'd only been here for about one week, had never
> written or asked any questions for you before (heck I didn't knew you
> existed), and yet as a first timer I already had two oracularities that
> were digested (you already know which ones)
>
> After that I had a steady supply of 2 or sometimes 3 in the digest,
> some of them I really think wasn't that good.
>
> Finally in #1409 I had stopped trying and got 8 QUESTIONS OR ANSWERS
> DIGESTED..
>
> Is the chance of digestion inversely proportional to how hard you try??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Finally in #1409 I had stopped trying and got 8
} > QUESTIONS OR ANSWERS DIGESTED..
}
} And?
}
} The supplicant typing this answer out for The Oracle
} got eight answers or questions in three digests in a
} row; 1032, 1033, and 1034, if you must know. It doesn't
} really mean much.
}
} His life didn't change one iota. Still sits there, typing
} away. Eating bad food, in a darkened room, eyes weakened
} by raster burns. And while he's not alone in this regard,
} he is in fact all alone. . .
}
} [ The Oracle pulls out a guitar as the house lights dim ]
}
} Ah, look at all the lonely supplicants
}
} Supplicant 'A' answers questions from a queue where
} a tellme was sent in
}
} Lives in a chair
}
} Waiting on Windows he stares at a space that emits
} beeps where there's mail --what a bore
}
} This is what life's for?
}
} All the lonely supplicants
} Where do they all come from?
} All the lonely supplicants
} What are they doing this for?
}
} Supplicant B writing the words of a parody song that
} no one will hear
}
} It's text my dear
}
} Look at him working. honing his jokes in the night
} when there's nobody there
}
} Like anyone cares
}
} All the lonely supplicants
} Where do these words come from?
} All the lonely supplicants
} Why have they done this for so long?
}
} Supplicant C lied in an answer that was ignored `cuase she
} included a .sig w/ her name
}
} Priest found it lame
}
} Supplicant D typing out dirt with one hand as he waxes
} on about silly sex-slaves
}
} Not one reply saved
}
} All the lonely supplicants
} Their names not even on the From:
} All the lonely supplicants
} Even in rhod they don't belong.
} .
}
} Sheesh, come on. Hold up your lighter or buy an overpriced
} commemorative World Tour t-shirt in lobby or something.
}
} <sigh>
}
} You owe the Oracle some Prozac.


1410-03    (4de73 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it dishonest or wrong if I send a question using the form in the
> Oracle website, and claim someone else wrote it, and put his/her
> mailbox instead of mine?  Is it forgivable if I do it accidently?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Is it dishonest or wrong if I send a question using
} > the form in the Oracle website,  and claim someone
} > else wrote it, and put his/her mailbox instead of mine?
}
} Yes. In fact depending on who was involved and the nature
} of the question it could range all the way from illegal
} to a violation of your TOS to just lame --with the later
} the most likely. Don't do it, surely you can find some-
} thing else to do with your Summer. Don't abuse the Oracle.
}
} > Is it forgivable if I do it accidently?
}
} Yes Mr. Secret Service agent I just accidentally typed in
} that address for my question advocating crimes against
} the state implicating my ex. Common error. What do you
} mean you need to impound my computer until the investigation
} is over? Hey, look. It's a joke... <ack> Hey! HEY!


1410-04    (38e97 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does bad behavior differ from lawyering?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Law school is not optional for lawyers.


1410-05    (11dfb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I found the needle in the haystack. Where do I apply for my prize?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations. The application is between two pages
} of a book somewhere in the Library of Congress. Good
} luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle that grain of sand over there. No,
} not that one. No, that one isn't it either. No, not
} that one. The one over there. No, sorry. Try again.


1410-06    (16l76 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most resourceful and wise Oracle,
>
> What should I do on labor day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go ahead and take the epidural.  The "natural" bullshit works for about
} the first two minutes, after that you're going to wish you were on
} morphine. Don't make your husband stand there with you - he'll either
} pass out or barf, he's not qualified to do anything useful anyway, and
} in any case watching that will put the kibosh on romance for the
} foreseeable future. Hire a professional to videotape the whole
} performance, that way you get a quality production that you can edit as
} you please.  Use Vivaldi for the background music.  When it's all over,
} pretend you didn't feel anything and ask the doctor if he's sure you're
} really through.
}
} You owe the Oracle a zygote.


1410-07    (5cb94 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, the light of your bulb from the flashlight of which
> William S. Burroughs spoke of!
>
> What would Robin Hood be up to if he were alive nowadays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yo yo yo! Yo! The bow aynd AHROHW was like the shuperior *ganster*
} weapon of the Middal Ayghes yo!
}
} Like boom, wheek, right through you yo, and on through your horses ass!
} Fo-hundrad yards! 10- shots pah tick yo!
}
} You modern ppls buns! Back in da dae we got these like LONGBOWS here
} widda 160 pound test weights that would just pwn yo sholder blades! Yo
} weak ass can't e'en pull a 20! ooooh diss!
}
} I meen Practice make perfect yo, we pizzaz it evry DAY to keep owr pimp
} hand way strong an be able t0 do battel, yo.
}
} You week. I outtahere.


1410-08    (37f97 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me how to milk my waternelons of their smooth supple
> juices.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, it's best not to use your own. Although that can
} fun too, it is not nothing compared a willing partner's.....
}
} Oh, you said WATERmelons? Sorry 'bout that, then.....
}
} The juiciest watermelons are those with a supple skin. Use your
} fingers to test it: run it gently on the skin. The skin should be
} supple and pink...
}
} Damn, Oracle, he said WATERmelons! Concentrate, Orrie, con-cen-tra-te!!
}
} If the melon is suitable, the two best-known ways to milk their smooth
} supple juices are to squeeze them and to lick them. Squeezing requires
} some experience, and is typically used as a preliminary to other kinds
} of juicing as it relaxes the...
}
} WATERmelons! WATER! WATER! WA-TER-ME-LONS!!!!!!
}
} Licking and sucking, on the other hand, is the easiest and fastest way
} to get the juice out of the melon. If the melon is in the mood, gentle
} biting can even be....
}
} LISA> Orrie, darling, what are you doing?
}
} ORACLE> What? Ahem, just answering a question dear....
}
} LISA> Well, from the look of it, you seem have a hard time.... Are you
} sure you don't want a practice run? Just to be sure you tell the
} supplicant the right thing, you know...
}
} ORACLE> Ah, hem, I really shouldn't, but, oof, yeah, that feels nice,
} I......
}
} The Oracle will finish answering your question later. You owe the
} Oracle at least 2 hours off. And make it three hours if you ever send
} another question like that.


1410-09    (109eh dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silence. The supplicant looked about in bewilderment. The Temple was
} usually filled with activity, but its halls were now dark and empty. No
} priests, no other supplicants, none of the Oracle's usual hangers-on.
} The supplicant nervously peered around the door to the throne room,
} but that was as dim and strangely quiet as the rest of the Temple.
}
} Suddenly there was a series of beeps in rising pitch, and from an
} unseen source the unmistakable tones of the Oracle boomed brightly
} into  the room.
}
} "You've reached the home of the Internet Oracle. We're all out on
} an extended vacation right now, and won't be back to answer your
} questions for a few days. Please direct any questions you have to
} my temporary replacement. Thank you."
}
} The supplicant glanced at the round black object sitting on the
} Oracle's throne. Oh well.  An answer was an answer. The supplicant
} knelt  before the throne, picked up the ball, and gave it a vigorous
} shake.
}
} > Oh Eight-Ball most spherical, always found with deep pockets, please
} > answer my humble query.
} >
} > I'm looking for an email program. What advice can you give me?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Eight-Ball:
}  ______________
}  \            /
}   \ OUTLOOK  /
}    \ NOT SO /
}     \ GOOD /
}      \    /
}       \  /
}        \/


1410-10    (0ebd3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WWIGTA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     "Hmm..." said Montgomery, rubbing his chin. "I'm
} afraid I don't get how that would work. Automobiles
} weren't that common at the time, were they?"
}     "Oh, but it wouldn't take place in a city like the
} others." said Ohme earnestly. "The player would be on
} the battlefield, jumping from trench to jeep to tank
} at will. Instead of working for gangs, you'd take jobs
} from Germany, France, and Austria-Hungary. You'd get
} to use weapons and vehicles from that era. And if it's
} a success, I even have an idea for an expansion pack!"
}     "That being?" said Montgomery, obviously only
} humoring the other man.
}     "Grand Theft Auto: World War One Edition: The
} Eastern Front!"
}     "...I think not." Ohme looked crushed. Montgomery,
} ignoring him, turned to another executive at the
} table. "And what was your idea, Hambleton?"
}     "Grand Theft Auto: Ancient Egypt!"
}     Montgomery sighed and shook his head. "I liked it
} better back in the day when just substituting some
} vaguely West Coast-inspired locale name for a sequel
} number was enough of a novelty. I think we'd better
} hire Miyamoto if we want to infuse new life into this
} series."
}     Hambleton looked aghast. "Cel-shaded GTA? Are you
} crazy?"
}
}     *  *  *
}
} You owe the Oracle a back issue of Game Informer from 2012.


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