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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I do tomorrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing. } } It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it } doesn't take any at all to just sit there staring at } a wall. } } You owe the Oracle some dark curtains.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oricle, without whom I would be naught... > > When will Strongbad make another Sweet Cuppin' Cakes cartoon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I want you to stop for a minute. } } Look around you. Look at Israel and Lebanon, Iraq, Iran and Syria. Look } at civil wars in Africa and slavery in eastern Europe. Think about } corruption in government, vast inequities in wealth and a philosophy of } life that encourages hatred, dishonesty and strife. Now take a look } again at your "Strongbad" cartoons. Maybe you'll notice that, seen from } this perspective, they're just totally insignificant. Especially } compared to the new episodes of Futurama coming out. I mean, how long } have we been waiting for those? It's going to be nuts! } } You owe the Oracle a futuristic one-eared bunny.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and wonderful are you, O Oracle. Older and sager than I, are > you. > > Help me with my problems, you can, hope I. Powerful Jedi being, if > short, green, bald and wrinkled am, what good is? All cute girls, > other Jedis get. Married Princess Leia, I should have. Chewbacca stuck > with, I am instead. > > No good plastic surgeons, in Dagobah are. Help finding them as well as > good toupees and growth hormones, I need. > > Oh, good, cheap Viagra I desire as well. Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if the Viagra were all you wanted, I'd simply recommend that you } sign up with AOL, and then you'd soon have more offers of that, } conveniently delivered to your e-inbox, than you'd know what to do } with. But it looks like your problem is somewhat wider in scope, and } so, I believe, a more comprehensive solution is necessary. } } Hm, let's see: short, green, bald, wrinkled, virginal, powerful Jedi } being, bizarre sentence structure... y'know, you sound a lot like that } little guy in, what was it, Star Trek? His name was, uh, Yo-Yo Da, or } something like that. I think he played the cello. You wouldn't happen } to be related, would you? Lechery does tend to run in families, so I } guess not. } } But anyway, back to your problem. My dear supplicant, you seem to be } trying to deny your true nature. Modern cosmetic medicine, even that of } civilization in a galaxy far, far away, can only do so much-- doctors } aren't magicians. You'll never be able to overcome the simple fact of } your own species, so I suggest that you embrace it. Come out of the } closet (you couldn't hide in it if your life depended on it, anyway) } and meet others who share your plight; in them, you will surely find } empathy, and perhaps, if you are lucky, you will even find love. And a } few years from now, perhaps you'll form a community of short, green, } bald, wrinkled people from all over the universe, dedicated to creating } awareness, promoting tolerance, and, in general, making all of creation } a nicer place for short, green, bald, wrinkled people (dang, would it } kill that Luke Georges guy to give the species a friggin' name?) to } live in. } } And yes, I'm sure you don't relish the prospect of dating females as, } er, homely as you, but hey, let's be realistic. What are your options? } Upload a couple hundred totally bogus profiles to Match.com? You'd only } be getting your hopes up uselessly; each relationship would inevitably } end on a very sudden, tragic note as soon as whatever poor sap you } hoodwinked into thinking you were Leonardo DiCaprio saw you for the } hideous little abortion you really are. } } You owe the Oracle (along as the rest of the universe) a good } explanation as to why you talk like that. Isn't several centuries of } life enough time to learn proper syntax?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Both Donnas I've ever known have been very tall redheads. > All three Rachels have been long black haired and hot. > > Why is that??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having Alzheimer's means you can date the gals at } The Home over and over again. And each time it's a } new experience.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mercifully substance-less (but by no means insubstantial) Oracle, > > Can you help me stay clean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant: } } Welcome to Oracle Drug Abuse Treatment; Helping Unlock Recovery To } Supplicants  (ODATHURTS). } } Here at ODATHURTS, we pride ourselves on our comprehensive treatment } program. We are unique, in that we not only treat the addiction, but } also the causes and the results of the addiction with equal vigor. We } are proud of our 100% success rate, and will use all our divine powers } to maintain it. } } ODATHURTS consists of 3 distinct programs: } } Causes: }       Here at ODATHURTS, we understand that supplicants use drugs for } reasons, and that if you don't remove those reasons, the supplicant } will continue to use. We therefore use all means necessary to remove } those reasons. For example, Mrs. J. Doe took to drinking heavily } because her husband was always criticizing her for failing to live up } to his expectations. We therefore arranged for Mr. Doe to trip over the } cat in the kitchen. In falling, he neatly lobotomized himself with the } screwdriver he was holding. Since that time, Mr. Doe has had no } expectations at all, and has therefore nothing to criticize his wife } about. } } Results: }     We at ODATHURTS also understand that it can be difficult to live } with the consequences of the behaviors engaged in while under the } influence, and we endeavor to help the supplicant with this as well. } For instance, one evening while high, Mr. T. Roe insulted his mother, } thinking she was some kind of spider creature. Since that time, every } time she looks at him, he can see the disappointment and hurt in her } eyes, and he found that unbearable. How did ODATHURTS help? Well, since } the ravens attacked her and ate her eyes, Mr. T. will never have to } endure that look again. } } Drug & Alcohol use: }     ODATHURTS believes that once the causes and results of addiction } are dealt with, addiction can be dealt with using a simple cost/benefit } analysis by the supplicant. Simply put, if we make it expensive enough } for the supplicant to use drugs and alcohol, they will, by themselves, } make the choice not to use. Therefore, we have devised a system of } fines and penalties, which we will start to apply as soon as this } letter is read. Examples: } } Act                                   Penalty } -----                                 ------- } A stiff drink on first reading this   $100 } Each drink thereafter                 Hit with a brick } Eating White Sugar                    Attacked by rabid woodchucks } Public Drunkenness                    Beaten with baseball bat } Drinking Caffeinated beverage         Struck by lightning } Taking Caffeine Pills                 Tarred and Feathered } Smoking Cigarette                     Buried in anthill for 24 hours } Using Nicotine Patch                  Volcano in living room } Smoking Joint                         Liver eaten by eagle } Snorting Cocaine                      Legs eaten by carnivorous squid } Smoking Crack                         Arms eaten by carnivorous plant } Smoking Opium                         Skin turns plaid } Shooting Heroin                       Social ostracism } } For a complete schedule of acts and penalties, see the ODATHURTS } handbook, which we have conveniently placed beneath your pillow. } } Once again, welcome, supplicant! We're sure you'll soon be so happy } with our program, that like Mr. G. Foo you'll be running through the } streets advertising our service by shouting "ODATHURTS! Please, Please } Stop! ODATHURTS" } } You owe the Oracle, but don't worry - we'll be round to collect sooner } or later.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The noble goose flaps its magnetic wings evey now and then as it > floats past the Cygnic Tower, which glows like fire..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...lit from within by a bank of high-intensity red and amber LEDs! } (Batteries not included.)  Set comes with everything you see here; for } even more fun, try accessories like: } } --Interchangeable wings in every color of the rainbow, and even a }   special glow-in-the-dark set for night flights! } } --Noble Gander, the Noble Goose's mate! } } --Set of three Noble Goslings with their own tiny magnetic wings! } } --Swan Conversion Kit, to show off the inner nobility of your Geese! } } Also check out the sinister but kindly Corvae set, for more hours of } storytelling fun!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> George Bush doesn't care about black people!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am uncertain where the question lies here (or the } grovel, but never mind that.) Do you want me to verify } your statement? Or give you the means to do that } yourself? } } * ZOT * } } Either way, now that you're charcoal-black, you can } drop him a line yourself and see if he cares. } } You owe the Oracle a grovel, a question mark, and } something to remove these greasy stains from the carpet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, I ride the bus to work every day, and there's a woman > who gets off at the same stop I do.  I'm never sure whether I should > ring the bell or let her ring the bell.  Or should I let her ring the > bell every other day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you ask me this? Why of } course you should ring the bell yourself. Doing this will register } that it is /your/ stop and she had better get her own, thus ending } your dilemma.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many people fell in love in September 11th?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tennis really isn't an autumn sport. } ~O~

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most fast and efficient oracle, you run on cycles of a better > quality than Lance himself, > > Are you a proper program, or merely a script?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I am a proper program! And not just any program, either. To } get an understanding of the scale of the Oracle program, imagine } Microsoft (I know it's painful, but go with me here). } } Then imagine Microsoft suddenly becoming productive enough to release a } new version of Windows every three months, but doubling the number of } bugs in every release (that part should be easy). } } Then imagine that two weeks before the actual release date for each } version (i.e. about five months after the publicised release date - and } yes, this does mean nearly two releases behind; just like it is now), a } horde of outside programmers is issued a copy of the full source code. } On paper. Printed in pale yellow ink, in 6 point type. In Wingdings. } (I didn't say Microsoft had to *like* giving out their code...) } } Then imagine that in those two weeks they find and fix every single bug } in time to have the complete service pack available on the release } date. } } Then imagine that this keeps up for one hundred years. } } Now you have a faint idea the amount of programming effort it took to } create the Internet Oracle. That you can have the gall to suggest that } it might be a script that Kinzler slapped together in his spare time is } both astonishing and appalling. } } Furtherm } } <error in oracle-reply.vbs: fatal disk error reading file notscrpt.txt>