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Internet Oracularities #1412

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Internet Oracularities #1412    (37 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2006 11:04:28 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1412
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1412  37 votes 25ec4 28b88 04dg4 2b969 04eh2 63ed1 17f95 5d649 4ce61 08cd4
1412  3.2 mean  3.3   3.3   3.5   3.2   3.5   3.0   3.3   3.0   2.7   3.4


1412-01    (25ec4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Backwards questions ask to wise it is?
>
> Oracle beloved and great Oh,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last person to ask that got my ass up their foot.


1412-02    (28b88 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, why do movie advertisements consistently re-use the same music?
>
> For example there's the Pearl Harbor-style dah
>                                               dah      dah
>                                                  dah      da
>
>                                                     DUH
>
> the Mummy-style DAHDAHDAH! DAHDAHDAH! DAHDAHDAH!
>
>                                                 Dauuuuummmmm
>
>                                         NAH
>
>                                      NAH   nah
>                                               nah
>                                   nah            nah
> the Cast-Away/Waterworld-style nah                         n
>                                                     Nuh nuh
>
> the Romantic Comedy chick music
>
> and finally the Titanic2-style ahh, dah dah da ahhhh
>                                               (the ahh song)
>
> Oh, and if it's any kind of action movie whatsoever you can absolutely
> guarantee that it will do this:
>
>                                               ___---|
>                                         ___---      |
>                                   ___---            |
>                             ___---                  |
>                       ___---                        |
>                 ___---                              |
>           ___---                                    |
> _______---                                          |_______
> ____________________________________________________________
>
>                          ENERGY LEVEL

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Advertisements, by their very definition, are meant to sell something.
}
} There are only 6 types of advertising:
}
} 1. Fact-based. The advertiser states, simply and clearly, the reasons
}    to use their product.
}    Fictional example:
}       Are you planning an extended trip to regions which might not
}       have accessible or affordable food? Are you worried about
}       starvation? Better bring Food-Pak with you. Food-Pak crams a
}       full day of nutrition into three four-ounce pills. It won't
}       satisfy your hunger, but 90 Food-Pak pills will keep you from
}       starving to death for a full month -- and they're small enough
}       to keep in your pocket. Available at all major drug stores.
}    This type of advertising is extremely rare in the United States,
}    primarily because most products sold are commodities -- meaning
}    that you can get it from a variety of sources. So advertisers
}    aren't trying to sell you on using the product in general, but on
}    using their specific brand of product.
}    Obviously, movies are commodities -- almost every movie is
}    considered entertaining by somebody, so the movie industry has to
}    convince you that their movie will be MORE entertaining (at least
}    to some people). Facts about the usefulness of movies in general
}    won't help.
}
} 2. New-or-improved. (Sometimes deliberately mislabeled "new and
}    improved" -- but if something has really been "improved", there
}    has to be a previous version that was inferior, so "new and
}    improved" is just silly.) The advertiser either tells you about a
}    new product which you might not be aware of, or touts some new
}    feature of a product that the old version did not have. (Note: the
}    new feature does not necessarily have to make sense.)
}    Fictional example:
}       Buzzo Gum is the only gum with Hopskipjump! Hopskipjump makes
}       your breath so fresh, that the ladies will swoon! Be sure to get
}       some Buzzo Gum today, at your...
}       HOLD THE PHONE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS
}       COMMERCIAL -- BUT NOW YOU CAN GET NEW BUZZO GUM! That's right!
}       Now, New Buzzo Gum has 15% more Hopskipjump! Now the ladies will
}       just faint into your arms, and beg you to take them home with
}       you! Scientists are amazed! Now back to your regular commercial
}       message.
}       ...So now get NEW Buzzo Gum at your local supermarket! Yay!
}    (By the way, Hopskipjump isn't some rare ingredient... It's the
}    name that Buzzo Gum has copyrighted for "sugar.")
}    This type of advertising is extremely common for many types of
}    products in the United States, because... if you don't pay
}    attention... it looks almost as if it's giving you useful facts
}    about the product, but in fact it doesn't have to actually say
}    anything at all.
}    Technically, almost all movie advertising falls into this
}    category... They're all new, in the sense that you haven't seen
}    this exact movie before. However, there are only a few types of
}    stories: action/adventure, love, comedy... Every story (whether
}    it is in the form of a book, movie, or whatever) is going to have
}    some gross similarities to some other story. So the fact that a
}    movie is new doesn't necessarily make it attractive. The advertiser
}    has to show you something from the movie that's going to appeal to
}    you.
}
} 3. Head-to-head comparisons. The advertiser compares his product to
}    one or two specific competitor's products (either by name, or by
}    generalities such as "the other leading brand"). The advertiser
}    explains why you should prefer his product (either by stating or
}    implying some ways in which his product has better quality, or by
}    stating or implying that his product has a lower price).
}    Fictional example:
}       We covered these two shirts with mud, grease, and chocolate.
}       Then we washed one of the shirts in Fluffo Detergent, and the
}       other one in the leading brand. Can you tell the difference?
}       ...Neither can we. But Fluffo is 38 cents cheaper than the
}       competitor.
}       Why pay more? Use Fluffo Detergent.
}    This technique is extremely common for many types of products in
}    the United States. But once again, it has no relevance in movies.
}
} 4. Sour grapes. The advertiser explains how another product is
}    inferior... and then suggests themselves as an alternative. This is
}    similar to head-to-head advertising except that the advertiser
}    doesn't bother explaining the advantages of his own brand. (And
}    once again, the reason that the other brand is inferior, doesn't
}    have to make sense.)
}    Fictional example:
}       Man 1: (Disgusted) You going to eat that salsa?
}       Man 2: Sure, why not?
}       Man 1: Don't you realize that it was made in New York City?
}       Man 2: (Disgusted) New York City? What do they know about salsa?
}       Man 1: That's right! We never eat that stuff here!
}       Man 2: Well, then, what DO you eat?
}       Man 1: We only eat Smack-o Salsa here!
}       Man 2: What was that name?
}       Man 1: (Reverently) Smack-o Salsa!
}       Man 2: Thanks! I'll give it a try!
}    (Smack-o Salsa is, in fact, virtually identical to the one they
}    were looking at... But Smack-o salsa is made in Texas, so in most
}    parts of the country it takes six days on a truck before it gets
}    to the supermarket.)
}    Again, this requires comparing your product to another product...
}    Hardly a viable choice for movies.
}
} 5. Sex. The advertiser shows sexy images, sometimes trying to imply
}    (against all logic) that if you buy the product, you too will be
}    sexy.
}    Fictional example:
}       (Loud rock music is playing -- no words. Fade in on six women
}       sitting side-by-side on a couch, wearing skirts so short that
}       we can see the panties of two of the girls. A short, partly-
}       bald man dressed in jeans and a ripped tee-shirt is sitting on
}       a chair facing the women. The women are all staring at him,
}       with looks of utter fascination.)
}       (The first woman stands up, unbuttons her blouse, revealing
}       a pale blue bra, and throws the blouse to the ground, still
}       staring at the man.)
}       (Meanwhile, the second woman stands up, rips her blouse off
}       without bothering to unbutton it first, and then starts to
}       unzip her skirt.)
}       (While this goes on, the third woman pulls her skirt up, giving
}       us an even better view of her panties.)
}       (The fourth woman has taken the opposite approach... she has
}       reached under her skirt and pulled down her panties,
}       revealing exactly as much leg as the censors will allow.)
}       (The fifth woman has already stripped to her bra and panties,
}       and is now squeezing something between her legs, while
}       briefly peeking at the first two women, who are still
}       continuing to undress.)
}       (We pan around behind the women, and just in time, too... the
}       sixth woman is completely naked, but we see only the back of her
}       shoulders and perhaps the top of her ass.)
}       (From this angle, we can see that the man has a huge smirk
}       on his face... and he is holding up a package of Sparkle Gum,
}       which -- we now realize -- is the reason that all of the
}       women want to be naked for him.)
}       (The words appear in the middle of the screen:
}           "Sparkle Gum - make your mouth feel clean!")
}    This is perhaps the most over-used advertising technique in the
}    United States, albeit not usually quite this blatantly. Sex has
}    been used to sell cars, music CD's, toothpaste, even dog food.
}    This technique CAN in fact be used for movies... but only for
}    certain types of movies, which we won't discuss further...
}
} 6. Emotions. The advertiser uses a variety of techniques (imagery,
}    poetry, appeals to patriotism -- but especially music) to make
}    you have emotional FEELINGS about his product... Which aren't
}    necessarily related to any facts at all.
}    Fictional example:
}       (Fade in on a playground. A little boy is in the swing set,
}       while his mother stands nearby. Sentimental music is playing
}       softly in the background.)
}       Boy: Mommy, when will grandma get here?
}       Mother: Her flight leaves tonight...
}       Boy: So we'll see her in the morning?
}       Mother: Exciting, isn't it?
}       (The music suddenly changes to exciting "wheep-wheep", as
}       a car pulls into the parking lot. Dad jumps out of the car.)
}       Dad: (Frantic) Rita! Jon! Come here!
}       Mother: (Running up to dad) What's wrong, Randy?
}       Dad: There's been a tragic accident!
}       Boy: Oh no! What happened, dad?
}       Dad: (Tearfully) It's Grandma! She... She...
}       Mother: (Starting to panic) What? What?
}       Dad: She choked on her dentures!
}       (The music suddenly stops and the picture freezes. The doctor
}       steps in front of the frozen picture and faces the camera.)
}       Doctor: Hello. I'm not a doctor, but I play one in denture
}          commercials. Since 1982, there have been nearly 500 deaths
}          due to tragic denture deaths. That's more than 20 deaths
}          of our loved ones every year. And the worst part is, every
}          one of these deaths could have been prevented... Just by
}          making sure that our loved ones have quality dentures. Join
}          me, and the American Quality Denture Institute, by asking
}          your loved ones to go to a dentist -- and when the get there,
}          make sure that they ask for Choppo Dentures.
}       Announcer: Choppo Dentures are inspected to make sure that they
}          conform to the American Quality Denture Institute's 20 points
}          of quality.
}       Doctor: That's why I only use Choppo Dentures for my patients.
}       Announcer: Choppo Dentures. Aren't your loved ones worth it?
}    (The advertisement doesn't mention that the American Quality
}    Denture Institute has only two members, and they're both on the
}    board of directors of the company that sells Choppo Dentures.)
}    Music is one of the major ingredients of this type of
}    advertisement... And, as you can see, this is one of the few types
}    of advertising that movies can actually use.
}    In order to make sure that an emotional advertisement sends the
}    right emotions, advertisers rely on certain melodies that have
}    been proven (in audience surveys) to give those emotions.
}
} So, we see that most movie ads can really only use emotional
} advertising, and emotional advertising relies on specific melodies to
} strike specific emotional chords (no pun intended)... That's why so
} many movie ads use the same music over and over.
}
} [AllanW]
}
} You owe the Oracle a 4000-word essay on why products for "female
} problems" always seem to appear during supper.


1412-03    (04dg4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can i lose a lot of weight fast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many different ways.  Each has its pros and its cons.  For
} example:
}
} Amputation
} Pros: extremely fast; weight will not be regained
} Cons: painful; rarely improves appearance or health; may impair
}   mobility or other abilities
}
} Starvation
} Pros: less permanent than amputation; saves grocery money
} Cons: less permanent than amputation; causes extreme hunger; fatal if
}   prolonged
}
} Gastric bypass
} Pros: effective long-term; only moderate health hazards; curbs appetite
} Cons: expensive; may require removal of excess skin after weight loss;
}   requires care to maintain adequate nutrition
}
} Childbirth
} Pros: nearly as fast as amputation; may be rewarding in the long term
} Cons: only possible if pregnant; weight loss may be temporary, but
}   responsibilities tend to last for many years
}
} Relocation to ISS, moon, or other low-gravity locale
} Pros: will be envy of space-travel enthusiasts everywhere; never
}   suffer sore feet again
} Cons: no change in mass, only weight; prohibitively expensive; risk of
}   messy death in several flavours; may impact social life
}
} You get the picture.  There are many other options, but all in all,
} you're probably better off losing weight slowly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of senna tea, or a case of sanity--your
} choice.


1412-04    (2b969 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And then Stinkoman shouted "DOUBLE DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, that was a classic game. I've rarely seen such an interesting game
} of Diamonds.
}
} For those who missed it, let's recap:
}
} It was March 18, 1992, at the Las Vegas Convention Center. It was
} round 23 out of 41. The players at table 17 were:
}    North - Dabster
}    East  - Stinkoman
}    South - Kinzler
}    West  - Hemming
}
} North dealt the first hand.
}     North - (D)A57JQ  (S)A47J (H)246T
}     East  - (D)8      (S)236T (H)A57K (C)A6TJ
}     South - (D)2369TK (S)K    (H)3J   (C)289K
}     West  - (D)4      (S)589Q (H)89Q  (C)3457Q
} East led the first trick with the Ace of Clubs. South countered with
} the 3 of Diamonds, taking the first trick.
}
} For the second trick, South started with the 3 of Hearts, and West
} trumped with the 4 of Diamonds, but North re-trumped with the Ace of
} Diamonds, taking the second trick. "Double Trump!"
}
} Next, North led with the 2 of Hearts. East countered with the 2 of
} Spades. "DOUBLE DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!" But then South played the 2
} of Diamonds! "TRIPLE DEUCE TRUMP!" and wagged his butt in East's face.
} West tried to play the 4 of Diamonds, but then he realized he had
} already played it (in the second trick), so he cried "BLARNEY!" and
} took a sip of whiskey, losing the trick.
}
} South led the fourth trick with the King of Diamonds. But West pulled
} a rabbit out of his hat and shouted "BUNNY!!!" -- the whiskey was
} apparently getting to him. "Anyone want to play Gin?" he asked. North
} responded by raising $500, but everyone thought he was bluffing. White
} castled, which allowed his rook to attack Black's queen, so the score
} was ten-love. East and West had to take off a piece of clothing. East
} took off his shoes (under Las Vegas rules, both shoes together count
} as one "piece of clothing"). West took off his slacks, but it was
} revealed that he was wearing short pants underneath. South objected,
} but the judge ruled that since North was wearing THREE pairs of pants,
} the play was valid.
}
} Now North served a line hit, just inside the line. East swung and
} connected, but it was a foul ball... 3 and 2. South tried to steal
} third, but the pitcher caught it out of the corner of his eye and went
} all-in. South doubled, which was accepted, and then rolled double-6's,
} which allowed him to move 4 pieces to his home board.
}
} This is where it got interesting... for some strange reason, there was
} a power failure, and the main lighting went out. It only took two
} seconds for the emergency lights to come on... nobody is sure how it
} happened, and the video tape system (which has it's own independent
} power system) didn't see anything unusual, but it was immediately
} apparent to most of the audience that the cards had been changed. For
} one thing, the back of the cards was completely different... the old
} deck had "Las Vegas Convention Center" written on it, but the new deck
} had a pair of baby ducks. But even more strange, the new deck was a
} Pinochle deck! All four players swore that they hadn't let go of their
} cards, and as far as they knew, these were the same cards they had
} originally, so play continued.
}
} West won the fourth trick by playing the Ace of Diamonds. "DOUBLE
} TRUMP!"
}
} West led the fifth trick by playing the Ace of Diamonds. North
} countered with the Ace of Diamonds. "DOUBLE ACE TRUMP!" East cleverly
} topped this with the Ace of Diamonds. "TRIPLE ACE TRUMP!" But then
} South topped even this by playing the Ace of Diamonds! "QUADRUPLE ACE
} TRUMP!" To date, this is the only Quadruple Ace Trump in 42 years of
} sanctioned Diamond tournament play; it was previously thought to be
} impossible. As punishment, East and West had to eat bugs, and North
} and South had to sing a humiliating duet in public. They selected
} "I'm a little teapot" karaoke, and everyone agreed that they did a
} marvelous job...
}
} [AllanW]
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Hoyle's book of rules... my copy seems to
} be damaged.


1412-05    (04eh2 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should eric get a new job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, let's compare current and projected pros and cons of
} each and base our decision on that.
}
}       Current Job                               New Job
}
} Carrying groceries is good exercise.  Herding sheep not too physically
}                                         demanding.
} Meeting people.                       Talking to fuzzy quadrapeds.
} $7.50 an hour, plus occasional tips.  Sheep are lousy tippers.
} Occasional unpleasant customer.       Constant smell of lanolin.
} Reading comics for free when it's     Strange urge to write poetry about
}   quiet.                                nature.
} Flirting with cashiers.               Romance possible but highly
}                                         discouraged.
} Getting hit by a car.                 Stepping in sheep poo.
} Lowest status job in the store.       Highest status position in the
}                                         flock.
} Loading groceries in the rain.        Sitting in the rain all day with
}                                         wet sheep.
} Dropping a sack of groceries.         Sheep carried off by predator.
} No smoking on the job.                Bring a bong, who's gonna know?
}
} To summarize, the odds tilt slightly in favor of Eric staying in his
} current profession.  Who knows, maybe he'll get promoted to cashier
} himself some day.
}
} You owe the Oracle some wool socks.  They're over on aisle three.


1412-06    (63ed1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Priesthood of the Internet Oracle,
>
> *****      Deluxe religious costumes      *****
> *** Stoles, Tunicles, Buskins and much more ***
> *  classic black/white or trendy orange/blue  *
> *****    You name it, You'll wear it!     *****
>
> Save up to 15% on our Deluxe Priest and Pope costumes.
> Click here to go to our online shop!!
> Buy 3, get a Moses costume for free.
>
> Return Policy.
> You may return any unworn costume for a full refund up to 30 days after
> you receive your order.
> Items that have been worn, tried or stained on may not be returned at
> any time due to the nature of the product.
> For full return policy or more information, please visit our help
> section.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc blinked, then failed miserably at suppressing a grin.  All those
} years of wearing that ridiculous lederhosen were over!  Finally,
} something more befitting a loyal servant of the Oracle!
}
} He clicked the link, selected a nice but not too over-the-top blue
} robe with a garish selection of Day-Glo colored stoles ("Because I
} can!" he thought), and was just about to proceed to checkout when...
}
} >>>>> OracleOS System Message:
} >>>>> Internal error at sector 0x05F43AC12BB101E754FD375A.
} >>>>> Cannot recover; fatal.
} >>>>> System will self-ZOT in 15 seconds.
}
} "Aw, crap."


1412-07    (17f95 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay Orrie, I've got some questions about the uber-cool process of
> defragmentation:
>
> 1. Why are all unmovable files within two small areas that look like
> Sodium D lines?
>
> 2. Why do I have unmovable files in the first place? I've got lots of
> space on disk and if they're so important why can't they just copy,
> move and delete just like all the other ones?
>
> I can defragment my D Drive and without the stuff on D Drive the
> machine won't even start, nothing on hard drive could be *that*
> important.
>
> 3. Why will it never go back to a solid blue block like D Drive did?
> What's wrong?
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a simple principle, known as Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving
} Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan
} them is to use a larger can.
}
} To your specific questions:
}
} 1. On the base of every hard drive is etched with a diamond bit: "Any
} similarity of block usage on this device to spectrographs is
} completely coincidental."
}
} 2. Were it the purpose of your operating system to be easy to use and
} sensible, these things would be possible. Since the purpose of this
} operating system is to sell more products, they are not. This is an
} even simpler principle than that of Mme. Zymurgy.
}
} 3. Oh, it will go back to a solid blue block, as soon as you give up
} and reformat your hard drive.
}
} You owe the Oracle an exhaustive collection of operating systems that
} fit on a single 1.44Mb floppy disk -- and work properly.


1412-08    (5d649 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Moonlight Sonata playing loudly]
>
> Now I understand,, Using it too long,, poisons it..
>
> The hard drive,, the drivers,, the fan noise, that incessant fan
> noise..
>
> Poisons it.. What goeth on in that case?.. What pain and suffering
> occureth?
>
> What causeth,, the freezing?
>
> DAMN YOU MICROSOFT! HARAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH@!!!!!!!!@
>
> [Sonata keeps playing]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That Jaunting, Haunting Computer Noise
} by The Internet Oracle [Incarnated as AllanW]
} [Sung to the tune of: Lemon Cupcake, by Moon Sex Junkies,
}  with apologies to Snookums]
}
} Joy! O Joy! The package arrives at last.
}   This is the fastest version ever made!
}     In 90 minutes, it will be in, and ready to use!
}       It ought to be fun!
}
} Such a huge box, but mostly it's just paper,
}   And stickers, and cellophane, and... one disc.
}     One lonely disc, yes,
}       One lonely disc.
}
} Stick it in the drive and close it up,
}   Let the computer boot...
}     Still booting...
}       Still booting...
}         Still booting...
}           Still booting...
}
} What's this? At last! It's actually started!
}   Wow, look at that logo, this is going to be great!
}     Wipe out the partition, new install, now it's formatting...
}       Still formatting...
}         Still formatting...
}           Still formatting...
}
} At last! It's copying! Soon the system will be mine!
}   O boy, this is so exciting!
}     Still copying...
}       Still copying...
}         Wow, that's a lot of copying...
}           Still copying...
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} Fell asleep... had some strange dreams...
}   Disks spinning, fans fanning, softly whirring,
}     The noise, always the noise...
}       I drooled on my shirt.
}
} What was that? A beep! I heard a beep!
}   But it's still copying... did it really beep?
}     Still copying...
}       Still copying...
}         Wow, that's a lot of copying...
}           Still copying...
}
} Another noise! That time it was definitely a beep!
}   The screen is blank! Oh no, what went wrong?
}     Must keep my cool, read the manual...
}       Oh, it's just rebooting, that's normal...
}         Ah, a pretty new screen:
}
}     Windows is setting up the programs directory.
}     Setup will be finished in about
}     43 minutes.
}
} That's a long time... but the excitement is building...
}   Feel it running through my veins,
}     As I drift back to sleep.
}       More strange dreams... again with the whirring...
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} What was that? My neck hurts.
}   I've been asleep so long, so very long.
}     The screen, it's asking me a question.
}       Oh no! I've been asleep for two hours!
}         Put my glasses back on...
}
}     Please enter the serial number
}     to continue setting up Windows
}
} The serial number?
}   Why are there so many boxes to type in?
}     It says the number is on the back of an envelope.
}       Or was that the Gettysburg Address? Am I Lincoln?
}         I smile at my private joke.
}           But where did I put that damn envelope?
}
} Look in the box...
}   Look in the drawer...
}     Look under the desk...
}       Look in the box again...
}         Could it be in the trash?
}           Ah! It's under the chair, I rolled on it.
}
} Is that a Q, or an O, or a 0?
}   There isn't enough light in here!
}     Where are my glasses!
}       Why is this number so long?
}
} It won't take? I must have done a digit wrong.
}   Maybe that was a 1, instead of an L.
}     Black letters on dark-yellow paper,
}       Are they trying to make this difficult?
}
} It worked! It finally worked!
}   I must have done it right.
}     I'm hungry, but I'm making progress
}       And now I am rewarded,
}         A new message appears:
}
}     Windows is setting up the programs directory.
}     Setup will be finished in about
}     42 minutes.
}
} 42 minutes? That's what it said 3 hours ago!
}   Will this never end?
}     Is that fan getting louder?
}       The system is telling me how much
}         Faster it is going to work...
}           I've been here 4 hours now!
}
} The fan noise is driving me crazy!
}   My leg hurts... Why am I sitting in the dark,
}     On a chair that hurts my back?
}       Is there any aspirin?
}
} At last! Choose user names...
}   Boy, I hope I remember these later...
}     That would be embarrassing...
}       No, I'd have to re-install it all over again...
}         That would be painful, my leg still hurts.
}           Better write down the password.
}
} Wait! It only asked for one password!
}   Do they all have the same password?
}     What if it makes up its own passwords?
}       How will I be able to log in?
}         Am I falling asleep again?
}           Am I falling asleep again?
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} A beep again! It's rebooting again.
}   Gee, it does that a lot.
}     Starting windows for the first time...
}       As if the last 6 hours doesn't count?
}         As if the last 6 hours doesn't count?
}           As if the last 6 hours doesn't count?
}
} Music! It's too loud!
}   I want to turn down the volume...
}     But I haven't even logged in yet...
}       Can I rip out the damn speakers?
}         They must think this is cute,
}           But it hurts my ears.
}
} Activate? What does this mean? Different than register...
}   But I need an Internet Connection...
}     Which means I need to install the network driver...
}       Which means I have to log in first...
}         Which means I need to finish installing first...
}           Where's that stupid manual?
}
} Look in the box...
}   Look in the drawer...
}     Wait! Maybe it's under the chair?
}       No, so look under the desk...
}         Look in the box again...
}           Ah! It's in the trash!
}
} Congratulations... yeah...
}   Support number... $28 per incident... no, I'll skip that.
}     Warrantee... Reasons to register...
}       Ah, here it is... if you don't register right away,
}         You have 1 week...  Ah, just click "Skip it."
}           That damn music finally shuts off.
}
} Finally got the welcome screen.
}   Click on a User ID...
}     Oh! It didn't ask for any password.
}       Well, that was stupid. Why did I pick a password?
}         And what's the point of multiple user IDs,
}           If you can just click on one to log in?
}
} Wow, look at all those icons.
}   So many reminders.
}     It wants me to update,
}       But I'm still not on the Internet.
}         And look, the date and time are way off!
}           Better fix it now.
}
} But other than that,
}   It looks just like the old system...
}     What was the point of that?
}       What was the point of the upgrade?
}
} Where was that driver disk?
}   Look in the drawer...
}     It was supposed to be in the drawer...
}       My leg still hurts...
}         Oh, here it is, I took it out of the drawer...
}           Put it in now.
}
} Install as Administrator?
}   Sure, why not?
}     Oh, NOW I need the password.
}       What's the password? I wrote it down...
}         Damn, I hate little pieces of paper!
}           Here it is, in the drawer.
}
} What's this error message?
}   Not designed for this version of Windows?
}     It tells me to download a new version.
}       I can download a new version for free,
}         But not until I connect to the Internet,
}           Which means I need to install this first, but I can't...
}
} Is there a gun nearby?
}   I want to shoot this computer!
}     No, just kidding...
}       Even though my leg hurts...
}
} I just need to drive to my friend's house,
}   And use his computer
}     To download the driver
}       And copy it to a disk
}         And drive back here
}           To install it.
}
} Ow, my leg hurts.
}   My friend isn't home.
}     I'll have to come back tomorrow!
}       This install is supposed to take 90 minutes.
}         I've been at it for 7 hours,
}           And I won't be able to finish it today.
}
} But wait! I can go to Kinko's.
}   Ten cents a minute.
}     Even if it takes me 10 minutes,
}       That's still only a buck.
}         I can do this,
}           I can do this,
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} The download takes me 20 minutes,
}   But the computer doesn't have a CD-burner.
}     I need to buy a memory stick.
}       $45, no problem.
}
} I've been working for almost 8 hours,
}   I'm getting hungry!
}     I stop for food.
}       But I spent $45 for that stupid memory stick.
}         All I have left
}           Is enough for a pack of gum.
}
} Back at the computer.
}   Where do I stick the memory stick? There's no front-panel USB!
}     Ah, but there's one in the back.
}       Wish I had a USB extension cord.
}         It's hard to see back here... But I think I got it in.
}           Yes, I heard the sound.
}
} But it needs to install a driver
}   For the memory stick!
}     Which means I need the Windows install CD again!
}       Where did I put that?
}         Oh no, not again...
}           Wait! It's here, in the drawer.
}
} Whew! It sees the memory stick.
}   Hooray! The network driver setup is running.
}     Another error message?
}       No, just a warning... Not logo-certified...
}         Who the heck cares? I just need it to work!
}           Yes, install anyway!
}
} It needs to reboot again.
}   I wish I had $1 for every time I reboot.
}     I'd have... well; I'd only have $100,
}       But that's a lot of booting, and I could buy lunch.
}         As soon as this install is finished,
}           I can go home and take a pain pill.
}
} What's this? Past the expiration date?
}   Need to activate?
}     That's what I plan to do,
}       But first I need to set up the new network.
}         But I need to log in first.
}           And I can't do that until I activate.
}
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}   Did they do this on purpose? What do they want from me?
}     I'd be happy to activate, but I need to log in first!
}       It's supposed to work for a week...
}         Oh no... I changed the date...
}           It thinks it's been years...
}
} All I need to do is put the date back
}   To what it was before.
}     But I need to log in to do that!
}       Don't I?
}
} No! I can go to BIOS.
}   Shut down the computer...
}     Don't really need to do that, it didn't start up...
}       Just shut off the power...
}         Go to BIOS...
}           Change the date...
}
} What was it before?
}   I need to have it the same as before.
}     I don't remember what the wrong date was,
}       Just that it was wrong.
}         Take a guess. That might work...
}           Boot again...
}
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}   If only there was some way to activate
}     Without being connected to the Internet...
}       I weep, I weep.
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} Wait, what does this say?
}   There's an 800-number? I'll dial it.
}     Hard to see in the dark,
}       I hope I don't get some sex line,
}
} Oh, it's them...
}   I'll punch in all the numbers...
}     Wow, that's a lot to write down...
}       Punch it into the computer...
}
} Hooray, it works!
}   I finally logged in,
}     The network is configured, and it even works!
}       Now I get to do the Windows Update!
}
} Service Pack 2
}   Wow, that was faster than I thought it would be.
}     Oh, wait, all I downloaded so far
}       Was a program that does the real download.
}         1%? 2%?
}           This is going to take hours!
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} I wake up again, my neck hurts even worse.
}   But the download is almost complete, my heart fills with joy...
}     98%... Still 98%... Still 98%...
}       99%... Still 99%... Still 99%...
}         100%... Still 100%... Still 100%...
}           Why doesn't it start installing?
}
} At last, it starts!
}   Oh boy, this isn't going quick either.
}     Installing update 1 of 1...
}       My head hurts...
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} At last, it is finished.
}   Windows needs to reboot.
}     I wish I had $1 for every time I reboot.
}       I'd have... Wait, I did this joke already.
}
} Safe mode? Why is it in safe mode?
}   There's something wrong? This stupid Service Pack screwed it up?
}     This install was supposed to take 90 minutes.
}       I've been at it for 11 hours, and now it doesn't work?
}         I need to start over?
}           I weep! I weep!
}
} [Drum solo here...]
}
} DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}   DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}     DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}       DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}         DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}           DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}
} Stick the CD in the drive and close it up,
}   Let the computer boot again...
}     DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}       Still booting...
}         DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}           Still booting...
}             DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}               Still booting...
}                 DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}                   Now it starts formatting...
}                     DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}                       Start formatting...
}                         DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}                           Still formatting...
}                             DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}                               Still formatting...
}                                 DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}                                   Still formatting...
}                                     Now it starts copying...
}                                       DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}                                         Start copying...
}                                           DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
}                                             Start copying...
}                                               DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!
} [Music fades... But it never does end...]


1412-09    (4ce61 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me all you know about weed, censers, priests, the Catholic
> Church, incesnse, summertime peach and raspberry ciders, plants, trees,
> nostalgia and profound spiritual experiences.
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When kids smoke weed and the censer's smoking
} And the priests rape and the church is ducking
} The smell of incense gives me a tingling
} These are a few of my favorite things
}
} Summertime peaches or Raspb'ry cider
} Plants, flowers, trees will soon break asunder
} Human's nostalgia for their long past springs
} These are a few of my favorite things
}
} Spirituality's an hallucination
} Don't look up there, there's only deception
} When supplicants think they have a meaning
} This is really my favorite thing
}
} You owe the Oracle his innocence back.


1412-10    (08cd4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will someone first run a marathon under 2 hours?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As soon as they reinvent the marathon to involve a little less running.


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