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Internet Oracularities #1413

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1413, 1413-01, 1413-02, 1413-03, 1413-04, 1413-05, 1413-06, 1413-07, 1413-08, 1413-09, 1413-10


Internet Oracularities #1413    (34 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 23 Nov 2006 11:44:26 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1413
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1413  34 votes 22bf4 48ca0 3ae52 1bab1 17ac4 59c71 14bb7 27d84 03bd7 67f33
1413  3.1 mean  3.5   2.8   2.8   3.0   3.3   2.7   3.6   3.1   3.7   2.7


1413-01    (22bf4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tony.gies@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who is always happy to help as long as I bring ten questions
> or fewer to the checkout,
>
> If I write to my member of parliament and complain the police are
> repeatedly shooting innocent people, I get ignored and possibly shot.
> But if I write to my supermarket and complain they put some tea in the
> wrong box, I get a grovelling apology and free tea for a year.
>
> Is it time to let the supermarket chains run the country?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely!
}
} Specifically, it's time to let two or more supermarket chains compete
} for business in every aspect of government, with their revenue
} strictly dependent upon the number of satisfied customers.  In
} addition, it is important that no supermarket be given the authority
} to modify consumer-protection law in any way.  Otherwise they too will
} soon be happily shooting at you--for the contents of your wallet.
}
} The American representative democracy system was originally set up to
} run more or less like this, actually, with votes standing in for
} currency as a measure of customer satisfaction.  As you can see,
} things have gone horribly wrong.
}
} You owe the Oracle citizenship in a properly-run country.


1413-02    (48ca0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise and...um...Wise Internet Oracle, I wish to construct a small
> shrine to Dionysus in my dorm room. How should I go about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a dorm room, hum? Let me see....where can you find alcohol in a
} dorm room? After all, there are underage students in there, so there
} clearly cannot be any. Without two or three kegs of wine, it is
} impossible to build a shrine to Dyonisius, even a small one, as the
} wine is to be drank before construction starts, irrespective of final
} size. If, per chance, you find some, then here are  the instructions
} to build a generic shrine to Dionysius. Feel free to add details of
} your own.
}
} 1. Invite as many people as possible. Actual friends don't count, and
} there ought to be at least 10% of people you've never even seen before.
}
} 2. Drink the wine.
}
} 3. Black out.
}
} 4. Wake up butt-naked in bed with some other person of the same sex as
} yours. Notice the slimy trails on the sheets: these will be important
} later.
}
} 5. On your floor, find the biggest blob of puke. Put a marble column
} on top of it.
}
} 6. Open your window. A black crow will enter the room and land on one
} of the participants you did not know. If that person wakes up, scrap
} everything and start again. If not, sculpt the image of that person in
} a bas-relief on the column.
}
} 7. Cut a part of the sheets with the aforementioned slimy trails. Draw
} the likelihood of Dionysus in it and place it on top of the column.
} Burn it.
}
} That's it, you're done. You can throw everyone out now. Good luck with
} the floor fellow.


1413-03    (3ae52 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
> --
> LEO
>
> Gana dinero FM-acil!
> Solo click aquM-m: http://www.es-facil .com/ganar/alta
> Es-Facil!
>
> __________________________________________________
> Correo Yahoo!
> Espacio para todos tus mensajes, antivirus y antispam M-!gratis!
> RegM-mstrate ya - http://correo.espanol.yahoo .com/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I clicked, and my browser crashed. ZADOC!
}
} Zadoc: Yes, my lord.
}
} Me: I'm trying to get this "Es Facil" website to open! I want to win!
}
} Zadoc: What browser were you using, my lord?
}
} Me: Internet Explorer 5.
}
} Zadoc: Oh dear... well, try opening it in Firefox.
}
} Me: Firefox?
}
} Zadoc: *sigh* Let me get in there to...
}
} Me: Hell no! You're going to look at my URL history!
}
} Zadoc: *mumble*
}
} Me: What?
}
} Zadoc: It's not like I don't already have a copy. Not that you didn't
} already know that, All-Knowing One.
}
} Me: Oh.
}
} Zadoc: *clicketyclick*
}
} 20 minutes pass...
}
} Zadoc: There you go!
}
} Me: Finally! ... Wait, what is all this blue crap?
}
} Zadoc: Oh, I just installed a Firefox theme that makes it resemble
} Aqua on the Mac. Much easier to use. I also added the special Zoobie
} icon set. Now click here...
}
} Me: *disgruntled click* Hey, there's a little speech bubble. "This
} site is probably going to crash your browser, so we're going to
} boohbah.com instead"
}
} Zadoc: *proudly* Yep! I did that.
}
} Me: Oh, well done.


1413-04    (1bab1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did the first leetist discover 1337 because the 3 is so close to the
> 'e', or was it by some other method?
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} H4!
}
} U R 1n luck, 4 1, 24d0c, pr1357 of teh 0r4cl3, am teh 1nv3n70rz of
} 7337! 1 us3 1t 7o c0mmunic473 s3c|2371y w/ my f|21e|\||>5 09 & ||54
} w/0u7 teh 0r4cl3'5 |<|\|0\/\/13|>93. 0n3 t1|\/|3, 1 52n7 4 |0\/3
} 13773|2 70 ||54 4n|> 5|-|3 ...
}
}    *  *** *** *
}   * * * *   * *
}     * * *  *  *
}    *  * *  *  *
}   *   * * *
}   *** *** *   *
}
} 207, 207, and re-207!
}
} Fool....
}
} You owe the Oracle one of these Alice and Bob Quantum Cryptography
} thingy. And a convincing explanation why they work. And an even more
} convincing explanation why I shouldn't zot you, considering you are
} the only one to understand how they work and are probably able to hack
} it.


1413-05    (17ac4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were able to raise girls naked ever since the day they were
> born and they lived in a nice warm environment and never saw clothes
> then would they think that's normal??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  But as it's been done by several primitive societies (most of
} which are now extinct) you wouldn't be able to patent the method.
}
} Unfortunately, it wouldn't increase your chances of getting lucky,
} either.


1413-06    (59c71 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should we build assorted piles of junk on peoples' rooves this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho! Ho! Ho! You know, little boy, Santa Claus needs room on the roof
} to be able to get on the chimney! Mother Christmas made me all these
} good cookies and glasses of milk all year long, I think my tummy as
} got even bigger than last year! Ho Ho Ho!!!! If you build assorted
} piles of junk on people's roofs, I won't be able to give presents to
} all the good kids! Ho Ho Ho! If you do that, you would be one bad and
} wicked kid indeed, and I will have to ask my good friend the Oracle to
} zot you! Ho Ho Ho!
}
} What's that, little boy? You promise to be good this year? Good! If
} you prepare good warm home-made cookies for me, you might even get a
} doubleplusgood present! Ho Ho Ho!!! Happy Christmas!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to avoid having to hear a Christmas song at
} least until December 1st.


1413-07    (14bb7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most regularly conjugated Oracle,
>
> What do you mean, "pondering" my question? Does that involve ponds? I
> think ducks are cute too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, ponds are often involved. In your case, unfortunately, so are
} ducks.
}
} Raw questions are first filtered through a series of coarse grates to
} remove any blatant references to woodchucks, the meaning of life, the
} color of the sky, coarse grovels, diapers, or condoms, so as to produce
} a 'sludge' of a finer consistency. The grates are kept clean by the
} Oracle's priests, who have to get shots before they can be permitted to
} touch the stuff, and often smell bad for days afterward.
}
} After the questions get through the initial grates, they are passed
} over a narrow trough at a carefully controlled speed. This stage
} removes the grit, like null questions, non-sequiturs, and MIMEs. From
} here, the questions enter large settling tanks where they are allowed
} to stew for several weeks. The denser material will collect at the
} bottom, where it can be scooped out and processed separately. The
} remaining material will be pumped off into secondary ponds, where it
} will be seeded with witticisms. Over time, the questions will be broken
} down in to a more fertile substance which can safely be handled.
}
} During the settling phase, some of the lighter material has to be
} skimmed off the top. The best way to deal with it is to let nature do
} its work and dump it into the local animal pen, where pigs, goats, and
} ducks can feed on and digest it. The result is a substance much richer
} in nutrients and far less toxic.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shovel.


1413-08    (27d84 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because!
}
} Because you voted for the wrong guy, and now you have to fix it!
}
} Because it's warming and warming and soon, it'll be melting!
}
} Because it's illegal unless YOU do it!
}
} Because I explained you again and again, but not ONCE did you
} understand!
}
} Because she won't let you go otherwise.
}
} Because it's cold outside and I need a hug.
}
} Because.
}
} You owe the Oracle the reason why.


1413-09    (03bd7 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh boy do I need help.  Oh boy, indeed.
>
> Today I tried to paint the inside of my apartment, but I got into some
> trouble painting the ceilings.  You see, whenever I tried to put the
> paint up the re, it just kept dripping down to the floor.  Before I
> knew it, I had painted my floor, and just dabbed at my ceiling.
>
> I am no idiot, so I tried the next logical thing:  I took out my
> elmer's glue, and applied a thin layer of glue across the whole
> ceiling, hoping it could hold my paint in place.  Needless to say,
> the paint and glue combo did not work, as they began to mix together
> into a gloopy mess of chunks, each one hanging threateningly over
> whoever was unlucky enoguh to be under it at the time.  (In many
> cases throughout the day, said unlucky person was me, leading to
> intensely painful hair removals.)
>
> Now my ceiling looks like a half-eaten bowl of oatmeal, and my
> beautifully painted floor is looks like a team of albino dogs were
> brought there every day for a week, just to do their business.
>
> What, oh what do I do?  How do all those "regular" people get their
> paint to stick to their ceilings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll adress your second question first. To paint a ceiling correctly,
} you need to wait for the temperature to be just right, that is between
} 15 and 20 degrees Celsius. If it's too cold, then the paint will
} congeal in place before being able to spread correctly, which will
} lead to visible strikes. If it's too hot, as was probably your case,
} then the paint is too liquid and will drip down.
}
} But now that the damage is done, knowing that isn't going to help you
} much does it? But you came to the right place, The Oracle knows how to
} fix such messes. Can you believe I asked Zadoc to repaint the temple
} once? Boy, what a bad idea.... Anyway, back to your problem, here's
} what you have to do.
}
} 1. Eat the other half of that bowl of oatmeal.
}
} 2. Stand naked in the middle of that room. Have someone videotape you
}    with a wide-angle camera that has a green filter.
}
} 3. Start crying. Discuss "Being and Nothingness" in pig latin, and
}    gracefully insert references to "The Matrix" in the discussion. In
}    any case, DO NOT mention anything about the room you are in.
}
} 4. Insert the videotape in a box and write "Performance #12: The
}    soul-color of do-it-yourself" as the title.
}
} 5. Sell it to your local Modern Arts Museum.
}
} 6. Buy a new house with the proceeds.
}
} You owe the Oracle the guy who invented "performance art" and a rope.


1413-10    (67f33 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, whose car is never without a parking space:
>
> Where should I go to get cheap Christmas presents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cheap? second hand stores
}
} Cheaper? 99 cent stores
}
} Cheapest? Fresh Kills landfill


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