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Internet Oracularities #1415

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Internet Oracularities #1415    (31 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 09:21:29 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1415
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1415  31 votes 19c63 13ba6 069d3 27c64 136ab 1ea42 6ca30 78b41 06d48 23e93
1415  3.1 mean  3.0   3.5   3.4   3.1   3.9   2.7   2.3   2.5   3.5   3.3


1415-01    (19c63 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wise, true.
> What have I to say to you?
> Do you like Haiku?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A supplicant writing one time
} Tried making some haiku with rhyme.
} The Oracle said,
} "You'd be better off dead,
} And your poetry's nothing but slime."


1415-02    (13ba6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------      ------
> |    |      |    |
> |    |      |    |
> | A o|      | B o|
> |    |      |    |
> |    |      |    |
> ------      ------
>
> Behind one door is a juicy cheeseburger, which you would kill to have.
> Behind the other door is a tiger. He is starved and in a bad mood. Don't
> chance your luck with a guess.
>
> Which door?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you would kill for the cheeseburger, it doesn't really
} matter, does it? What they fail to mention is that the door with the
} tiger also has a tranquilizer gun, a knife, a grill, a spatula,
} cheese, ketchup, buns and a plate. The only difference between the two
} doors is what kind of meat you end up with on your burger.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tigerburger.


1415-03    (069d3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some there are, Wise Oracle, who want to learn many things. I
> too have this goal and am occupied with questions whose answer is
> lacking. If I could, with your help, succeed with learning one
> thing, I would think very highly of myself. Help me Wise Oracle!
>
> Why does Santa only hire elves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question-bearing mortal-
}
} At first glance, Santa's decision to only hire elves and not a
} diverse selection of Caucasian, black and asian workers would seem to
} be in direct conflict with many of today's commonly held ideals of
} multi-culturalism. However, this is easily explained when one
} realizes the following positive factors about Elves:
}
} 1. They work for nothing but maple syrup
} 2. They are excellent at firing bows and arrows, as well as defending
}    santa from Orks and Demons
} 3. Whenever you need more, you simply feed them after midnight and
}    pour water on their backs, or something.
} 4. They wear pointy hats. How awesome.
} 5. They lay golden eggs.
}
} Thus the Oracle has spoken.


1415-04    (27c64 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Head transplant?? You're joking, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No John, I'm not. Having the toilet right off the
} formal dining room is tacky.
}
} <sigh> Why I let Lisa talk me into remodeling the
} Temple even I'll never know!!!


1415-05    (136ab dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a courtyard. Statues of centaurs line the walls. In the
} centre, an archway leads to a small enclave. There is a sign next to
} the archway. Passageways lead out of the courtyard to the east, west,
} and northwest.
}
} You hear bubbling water.
}
}  > x sign
}
} The sign reads, "The Oracle is IN."
}
}  > in
}
} A voice calls, "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Delphi!"
}
} You are in the Oracle's enclave. The Oracle sits here, surrounded by
} four fountains. The Oracle watches you carefully.
}
}  > orrie, hello
}
} "'Hello'?! Is that what passes for groveling these days?" The Oracle
} sighs. "Never mind. You here for a consultation?"
}
}  > yes
}
} "You want a major or minor one?"
}
}  > major
}
} "All right. You're supposed to get the Amulet of Yendor, but let's face
} it, that's about as likely as Dubai hosting the 2018 Winter Olympics.
} You barely remember which end of the sword to poke monsters with. If
} you want my advice, you'll bugger off home while you have the chance.
} Your lucky number is 11.
}
} You owe the Oracle 850 zorkmids."
}
}  > give 850 zorkmids to orrie
}
} "Thanks. Have a nice day. And stop calling me Orrie."
}
}  > dip sword in fountain
}
} You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts
} somewhat. The Oracle says, "Hey! Those fountains aren't cheap, you
} know!"
}
}  > dip sword in fountain
}
} You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some
} more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Oh, sure. Use up all my
} fountains. You adventurers are all the same. You waltz in acting like
} you own the place, and pick up everything that isn't nailed down."
}
}  > dip sword in fountain
}
} You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some
} more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Look, buddy, you do that
} one more time and I'll ZOT you. I don't care if it isn't in the rules."
}
}  > out
}
} As you leave, the Oracle mutters, "Good riddance."
}
} You're in the courtyard.
}
}  > w
}
} You walk through the passageway into another room. There is a staircase
} down here, and exits to the east and south.
}
} There is a food ration here. There is a glass wand here.
}
}  > get all
}
} Food ration: taken. Glass wand: taken.
}
} As you pick up the glass wand, the floor suddenly gives way and you
} fall through. You are deposited on the next level in a heap.
}
} "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Asidonhopo's general store!"
}
} You are in a small store. Various items are dotted about the room.
} Asidonhopo stands by the door.
}
} There is a scroll here. There is a spellbook here. There is a slime
} mold here. There is a suspicious-looking chest here.
}
}  > x asidonhopo
}
} Asidonhopo scowls at you. He holds a forked wand in a vaguely menacing
} manner.
}
}  > asidonhopo, hello
}
} "You going to buy something, or are you just going to stand around all
} day and get your grubby hands all over my merchandise?"
}
}  > get scroll
}
} Scroll: taken. "That'll be 300 zorkmids."
}
}  > out
}
} "You're not thinking of leaving without paying, are you?"
}
}  > no
}
} "Good. Because then I would have to hurt you. Hand over the cash."
}
}  > pay asidonhopo
}
} "Pleasure doing business with you."
}
} You are in a darkened passageway outside the general store. The
} passageway leads to a room to the south. There is a newt here.
}
}  > kill newt
}
} With a vicious swipe, you dispatch the newt. You feel strangely tough.
}
}  > s
}
} You are in a dark room. A staircase leads down, and passages lead north
} and west.
}
}  > read scroll
}
} You hear a rumbling noise. Out of nowhere, a boulder appears and lands
} on your head. Ouch.
}
}  > d
}
} In a slight daze, you clamber down the stairs.
}
} You're in another room. They all look pretty much the same by this
} point. Blah, blah, exits northwest, east, southwest, up.
}
}  > nw
}
} Someone says, "Pilgrim, you enter a sacred place!"
}
} You are in a temple. A blood-stained altar sits in the middle of the
} room. Beside it, a priest slouches surlily.
}
}  > x priest
}
} The priest is dressed in faded, worn robes that identify him as a
} priest of the Church of the Oracle. His demeanour gives the distinct
} impression he wants to be somewhere else. Looking closely at his robes,
} you can barely make out the word "ZADOC".
}
}  > zadoc, hello
}
} Zadoc mutters something about the In-Joke Retirement Fund and holds out
} a tin cup.
}
}  > give 50 zorkmids to zadoc
}
} Zadoc says, "Whoop-dee-do. I'm rich. That'll buy me half a potion of
} booze."
}
}  > s
}
} This room features a large pit in the centre. Doorways are to the north
} and east. A wood nymph is here.
}
}  > x nymph
}
} The wood nymph is a paragon of feminine beauty. Long dark hair drapes
} over her shoulders. She quietly hums "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". She
} advances on you, larceny in her deep brown eyes.
}
}  > nymph, hello
}
} "Hello, sailor." The wood nymph makes a lunge at your backpack.
}
}  > kill nymph
}
} The wood nymph easily dodges your clumsy attempts to hit her with your
} rusty sword. She says, "Look over there, a three-headed monkey!" As you
} turn to look, she grabs a glass wand from your backpack.
}
}  > kill nymph
}
} The wood nymph skilfully ducks under your swing. She grabs your wrist
} and wrenches the sword from your grasp. She gives it a disdainful
} glance before concealing it somewhere on her person.
}
}  > kill nymph
}
} With what? Your bare hands?
}
}  > yes
}
} The wood nymph effortlessly evades your blow. She zaps a glass wand at
} herself and vanishes.
}
}  > e
}
} You enter a large room. A sink is in the corner. A staircase leads
} down. Doorways lead to the west, north, and northeast.
}
} A cockatrice is here.
}
}  > x cockatrice
}
} An ugly little thing. A sort of cross between the least appealing
} aspects of a chicken and a lizard, but considerably worse.
}
}  > kill cockatrice
}
} With what? Your bare hands?
}
}  > yes
}
} As you score a direct hit on the cockatrice, it occurs to you that
} attacking it bare-handed was not a very clever thing to do. You make a
} very surprised-looking statue.
}
} You have died.
}
} Do you want your possessions identified?
}
}  > yes
}
} Your inventory:
} 1729 gold pieces
} a +2 leather armor
} a +1 elven cloak
} 4 food rations
} a wand of wishing (0:3)
} a blessed magic lamp
} a magic marker (0:42)
} an uncursed potion of full healing
} 3 pieces of worthless green glass
}
} You scored 11 points out of a possible 1000. This gives you the rank of
} Newt.
}
} Would you like to (R)estart or (Q)uit?
}
}  > q
}
} You owe... never mind, I'll just send Zadoc over with a pick-axe and
} take what I can find.


1415-06    (1ea42 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> P Mighty Oracle, O is unworthy of thee!
>
> Tell me: what do you make of Hegelian influences on latter dialectical
> materialism - specifically of their expression in modern Marxist
> theory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fear not, humble (if rather direct and to-the-point) supplicant; O has
} been...dealt with.  The price was fairly reasonable, and the mess was
} minimal.  The cost of the concrete seemed rather inflated, but are you
} gonna argue with a set of very burly, very short-fused men with an
} interesting and expansive collection of medieval implements of
} torture?  Come now, my humble and inquisitive little supplicant--even
} an Oracle dare go only so far.
}
} By the way, if you ever need somebody rubbed out, might I recommend
} the services of....  Oh.  Sorry.  Shouldn't give their names.  Don't
} want to end up like poor O, do I?  There'd be no one left alive to
} clear up the ungodly mess
}
} Now then.  To your question.  I don't make much of either Hegel or
} Marx at all, really.  Their performance in the football match versus
} the Greek team led by Heraclitus in the 1972 Munich Olympics was
} abominable.  And as for old "Nobby" Hegel, well.  Arguing as he did
} with the referee, Confucius, that "the reality is merely an a priori
} adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics" was a weak attempt to circumvent
} the convincing nature of the royal thrashing that the Germans were
} handed by the Greek triumvirate of Socrates, Archimedes, and
} Heraclitus in the 88th minute of the match.
}
} Hegel, indeed.  Hmph.


1415-07    (6ca30 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You got nuthin'


1415-08    (78b41 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, when I was 10 years old I was curious about the vagina so I
> touched a little girl and felt a slit. Does that make me evil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}
} You have clearly violated section 3.02, Chapter 63 of The International
} Convention of Former Ten Year Olds constitution. As punishment you are
} required to submit to the Oracle 10 additional questions of subtantial
} merit and good moral conviction. Have them on my desk at 8:00 Monday
} morning, with *appropriate and sufficiently humble* grovels. Enjoy.
}
} -The Internet Oracle


1415-09    (06d48 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wonderfully overworked and underpaid Oracle,
>
> Last night something happened which I did not expected... But it proved
> to me one thing, that there is hope.
>
> What can you tell me about this hope which I have been given?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Here, let me take a look at that for ya.
}
} [ The Oracle screws a jeweler's loupe onto his eye,
}    snatches the hope out of the supplicant's hand &
}    gives it a long good look. Then tosses it into
}    the trash. ]
}
} Supplicant: !!!!
}
} Oracle: It was just a wish with a glazing of despair.
}
} Supplicant: ! Despair !
}
} Oracle: Yeah, it gives things a tragic glint and when
}          it's got something gaudy like a wish under it
}          it magnifies it. Mole hill into a mountain and
}          all that. Fool's Hope we call it here in the
}          trade.
}
} Supplicant: But, it helped me to carry on.
}
} Oracle: Oh yeah, at first a wish borne out of despair
}          seems like a vine hanging over the quicksand,
}          but grasp on to it and it'll snap off in your
}          hand like the tail of a monkey with leprosy.
}
} Supplicant: OH.MY.GOD! That's awful. I, I want my hope
}              back. [ Digs in the trash can ]
}
} Oracle: Fine. Suit yourself. By the by, you owe the
}          Oracle an emotional moat. And a well tailored
}          suit of armor.


1415-10    (23e93 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's one thing I never got Orrie, why is it that in really
> scientific writings everything is to the negative somethingth power?
>
> Like they will say kilograms per cubic metre but with a -3 exponent.
>
> How is this is supposed to help? How the hell can you put meters to the
> negative third power? That's like saying this pot holds negative 3
> liters!
> They also have the idiosyncrasy of writing the implied one in unpowered
> units (which of course comes out as negative)
>
> Does it like make some equations work or something?
>
> It gets really excessive when you have a unit with alot of subunits,
> like visual photons per second per square centimetre per steradian
>
> (V) phot^-1/sec^-1/cm^-2/str^-1
>
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my dear supplicant, it looks like you're out of luck. Sorry,
} but according to a recent study, only 3 out of 22% of scientists
} don't use confusing numbers in their so-called "findings".
}
} I shall now attempt to elaborate on why the system doesn't work.
}
} To use one of your examples, kilograms per cubic meter is expressed as
}
} kg * m^-3
}
} One thousandth equals 1*10^-3.
}
} So, one thousandth of a kilogram per cubic meter is
}
} 1*10^-3 kg*m^-3
}
} A slightly different way to write it contains both negative and
} positive exponents:
}
} 1*10^-3 kg/m^(+3)
}
} Simplifying:
}
} 1*10^(-3) kg/m^(+3)   -->     1*10^ kg/m^        (-3 and +3 cancel
}                                                   each other out)
}
} 1*10^kg/m^ is read as "One times ten to the kilogram power, divided
} by meters raised to the power of."  By deduction we know that this is
} equal to kilograms per cubic meter, because that's what we started
} with:
}
} 1*10^kg/m^ = 1*10^-3 kg * m^-3
}
} Multiplying both sides by m^, we get:
}
} 1*10^kg = (1*10^-3 kg)(m^-3)(m^)
}
} Simplifying:
}
} 1*10^kg = (1*10^-3 kg)(((m^)^2) - 3m^)
}
} As you can see, the simplified expression is more complicated than
} the original.  This is mathematical proof that mathematics and
} logic are useless, unless you are dealing with power measured in
} kilograms rather than watts, or a dump truck with a capacity of 10^-17
} microkilometers per second squared.  I probably didn't need to write
} that last sentence because you seem to already understand the concept.
}
} You owe the Oracle your math books so he can correct them, and some
} headache pills.


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