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Internet Oracularities #1416

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Internet Oracularities #1416    (35 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 2007 19:44:40 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1416
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1416  35 votes 048cb 35d86 2i960 0bda1 06a9a 05dc5 33d6a 07ag2 25ae4 24cc5
1416  3.3 mean  3.9   3.3   2.5   3.0   3.7   3.5   3.5   3.4   3.4   3.4


1416-01    (048cb dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, if you already know everything, why is it neccesary
> to ask questions? Would you now know what they are beforehand, and
> simple send the answers at the right time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I certainly could, but my ages of experience have taught me that
} mortals seldom understand the answers, and hence are unlikely to pay
} tribute, unless I let them ask the questions first. However, just to
} prove my point:
}
} 1. No, she's not that into you. (You owe the Oracle a subscription to
}    Playgod.)
} 2. Yes, but it's best to let the wolves finish off the cannibals before
}    suggesting recipes. (You owe the Oracle a copy of  "How to Serve Man"
}    with foreword by Alfred Packer)
} 3. 42 (You owe the Oracle nothing, but some white mice would like a
}    word with you.)
} 4. Well, it all comes down to whether or not you're comfortable with
}    it. I'd wait until the burning goes down before deciding though. (You
}    owe the Oracle a topical ointment for every skin condition to affect
}    the left elbow.)
} 5. No, just no, and if you ever ask a question like that again, I'll
}    ZOT you. (You owe the Oracle an apology and a truth serum.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with the woman from #1.


1416-02    (35d86 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if there was a movie called Die Heard (note the spelling!)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Die Heard: Note the Spelling would only be the Americanized
} sequel to the original Die Heard (German for "The Heard"), which of
} course, was only released in Germany and select "independent" theaters.
} Nevertheless, I shall provide you with the working draft of Die Heard:
} Note the Spelling.
}
} --Open--
} Lead from Die Heard: Do you hear the bad guy we thought we had killed
} in Die Heard?
} Female Lead from Die Heard: Why yes, I think I do! Also, despite my
}         confession of love for you at the end of Die Heard, I no longer
}         think we should be dating.
} Lead: We must stop him! What did I hear you say about our love?
} Female Antagonist: Ha! I am here to stop you and make you question your
}         unquestionable love for Female Lead.
} Lead: Ack! Yet, I find myself convinced that Female Lead and I are
}         destined to be together, I shall win her back by stupidly
}         putting myself in harm's way.
} Female Antagonist: No! I am defeated!
} Antagonist: Foolish Lead, you can never defeat me! Now I have you in my
}         ridiculously cliche trap!
} Female Lead: He can't stop you, but I can!
} Antagonist: Ah. I am dead again, at least, until Die Heard III: See the
}         Roman Numerals.
} Female Lead to Lead: Oh, Lead, I truly do "wuv" you.
} Lead: Don't you mean love?
} Female Lead: Note the Spelling!
} --End--
}
} Don't worry, it'll probably never get produced... probably.
}
} You owe the Oracle an original plot for a sequel.


1416-03    (2i960 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Choose your weapon!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I choose.. Hungarian Laser Fighting!
}
} Now if I can only turn this thing on.. charging.. charging.. still
} charging.. you're running at me with a sword.. 0.1% power.. FIRE! Dang
} antimatt-ARAA>[cuts his head off]


1416-04    (0bda1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle who can crack a One Time Pad encrypted message,
>
> If your answer isn't PGP-signed, how do I know it's really from you,
> and that it hasn't been altered by a man in the middle?  OH MY GOD!
> HOW DO I KNOW ANY OF THE ANSWERS YOU SUPPOSEDLY GAVE ME IN THE LAST
> TEN YEARS WERE REAL?!?
>
> Oh no, it even gets worse.  I'm not supposed to PGP-sign the questions
> that I submit, and that means that cs.indiana.edu might be altering
> my questions before sending them to you.  You might be answering the
> wrong question! Suddenly it all makes sense: When I asked what stock
> I should buy, you told me SCO.  I was so hurt and angry that you had
> deceived me.  But now I realize, maybe cs.indiana.edu forwarded my
> question as what stock I should avoid, and you answered correctly.
> Or maybe you told me to buy a good stock, but cs.indiana.edu changed
> the answer to SCO.
>
> How can I trust anything you supposedly tell me, when our
> communications aren't secured?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} !
}
} You trust PGP more than the Word of The Oracle?
}
} The Oracle is an immortal, the Delphic servant
} of Apollo, of late harbored alternately in The
} Temple or a dank subbasement in Indiana.
}
} The Oracle knows all. Some of which he didn't
} know about -- like where you saw that tree tattoo
} you keep thinking about.
}
} And you question his ability to use email to
} transact the petty business he does online?
} Heck, people even trust the BoA's email. And
} you worry about the Oracle being phished?
}
} Bah!
}
} You believe the drivel that you see on the TV
} news yet doubt that the Oracle is indeed the
} Oracle? Do you think he wears those itchy robes
} for laughs?
}
} And what caused this crisis in faith? An event
} that the fate of mankind hinged on? No, a stock
} selection. How very, very self-centered.
}
} Ok, Ok, here's your obligatory joke:
}
} Question:  What's a S0C4?
}
} Answer: To keep your foot warm.
}
} You owe the Oracle 1000 shares of VGHCX.


1416-05    (06a9a dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle-
> You should have trading cards...With a stick of gum in them.
> Nerdly yours,
> Daniel,
> N.S. CANADA

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey is for horses.  But I'm in a mellow, if not downright profound,
} mood today.
}
} As luck would have it, I have just received the printer's proof of
} this season's cards.  Previous seasons' cards have been a collector's
} item and were quickly snapped up, which may be why you didn't know
} about them.  But even this text version of just a few of the backs
} should be a prized possession for you in the future.  Particularly
} if you can get my autograph.  (You can't.)  I regret that I must
} not show you the front side of these samples; the radiance of my
} visage, the beauty of Lisa's, the sheer ugliness of Zadoc's, would
} blind you.
}
}  -------------------------------------------------------------
} | Topps                                                    #1 |
} | The Internet Oracle                            The Pantheon |
} | Ht: Immense  Wt: Proportional          Zots: L  Websurfs: R |
} | Born: Long Ago                             Home: Everywhere |
} |                                                             |
} | Long-time mainstay and all-around oraculizer, TIO led the   |
} | Pantheon to a championship season again in 2006.  Known     |
} | traditionally for his lightning fast reflexes with the Wand |
} | of Zot, TIO has shown a mellowing of his mood, and more     |
} | flashes of his underrated profundity, in recent seasons.    |
} | His trademark wit still comes through in the clutch.        |
} |                                                             |
} | Most recent five seasons:                                   |
} |        Received    Correct   Zot Sarcasm     LOL   Profound |
} | 2002:  61229461   61229461 16381    7965  61205092       23 |
} | 2003:  65278216   65278216  4079   18223  65255867       47 |
} | 2004:  65925387   65925387  1205   16690  65907328      164 |
} | 2005:  70729814   70729814   439   11071  70717342      962 |
} | 2006:  78468228   78468228   380    7556  78456293     3999 |
} | Career:    +Inf       +Inf  +Inf    +Inf      +Inf     +Inf |
} |                                                             |
} | Trivia: The Internet Oracle has never given a wrong answer! |
}
}  -------------------------------------------------------------
} | Topps                                                    #2 |
} | Lisa                                           The Pantheon |
} | Bust: 38  Waist: 22  Hips: 34        Kisses: Yes  Hugs: Yes |
} | Born: "None of your beeswax"                 Home: With TIO |
} |                                                             |
} | The Pantheon's resident sex goddess, Lisa continues to      |
} | inspire the team to greatness.  Was instrumental in TIO's   |
} | remarkable stamina in 2006.  The team reached first base,   |
} | second base, third base, and even went all the way, many    |
} | times with her this season.  Rumors that Lisa is a switch   |
} | hitter have not been verified, or convincingly disproved.   |
} |                                                             |
} | Most recent five seasons:                                   |
} |         Smooches   Snuggles Osculations    Snogs    Cuddles |
} | 2002:   71079163   13006849   74068773   49173231  82322622 |
} | 2003:   13006849   74068773   49173231   82322622  71079163 |
} | 2004:   74068773   49173231   82322622   71079163  13006849 |
} | 2005:   49173231   82322622   71079163   13006849  74068773 |
} | 2006:   82322622   71079163   13006849   74068773  49173231 |
} | Career:     +Inf       +Inf       +Inf       +Inf      +Inf |
} |                                                             |
} | Trivia: Lisa doesn't wear any underpants!                   |
}
}  -------------------------------------------------------------
} | Topps                                                 #9999 |
} | Zadoc                                          The Pantheon |
} | Weight: 98 pounds  Steroids: None   Sweeps: L  Cleans: Both |
} | Born: Under a bad sign                 Home: Under a bridge |
} |                                                             |
} | Clown Prince of the Pantheon, a distinction he would prefer |
} | to do without, Zadoc again was sent to the Minors in 2006,  |
} | but the Minors wouldn't have him and he was sent back up    |
} | for further seasoning.  Consistently inconsistent, Zadoc    |
} | is blessed with deceptive speed: he is even slower than he  |
} | looks.  Hopes for a 2007 comeback, or at least a comb-over! |
} |                                                             |
} | Most recent five seasons:                                   |
} |        Errors   Muffs Bungles Mistakes  D'oh!s  Wins   Zots |
} | 2002:    3143     560  317487      10    27741     0      7 |
} | 2003:  163143   43560    7487     410       41     0      8 |
} | 2004:      43  243560     487   90410     7741     0      5 |
} | 2005:     143   43560      87  490410      741     0      2 |
} | 2006:   63143      60   17487     410   527741     0      0 |
} | Career:  +Inf    +Inf    +Inf    +Inf     +Inf     0   +Inf |
} |                                                             |
} | Trivia: For the 1st time, in 2006 Zadoc didn't zot himself! |
}  -------------------------------------------------------------
}
} In keeping with tradition, the gum that will be included in the
} packages will continue to be sturdier than the cards themselves,
} and somewhat less flavorful.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Topps 1952 Mickey Mantle in mint condition.


1416-06    (05dc5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mavrelous and suportatative Oracle, I am your ever-loosing supplicant,
> grovellling here before you in stupid but clean splendor. I put on a
> washed shirt just to look better for you.
>
> I need to know about the Old Times that happened Long Ago. Like back in
> 1215 King John was the King and the Albogensians (did I spell them
> right?) were bouncing around France being heratix. But people were so
> OLD then, how could they do anything? History is full of old people,
> not young like me I'm only 17 years old and don't have history yet, not
> like being old and all that. Know what I mean? Of course you do, you're
> the Oracle and I'm not.
>
> What was it like back then? Please hurry my paper is due tomorrow.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, about this shirt. I know you're trying as hard as you can, but
} just because you washed it once 6 months ago does not mean it's still
} clean.
}
} Secondly, your spelling's close, I'd work on your grammar first.
}
} Thirdly, regarding the Old Times, or as they were called back then, the
} Tymes. It was a lot like it is now. Men were men, women were women, and
} life pretty much sucked for everyone who wasn't in charge. The only
} major difference is that the 7 years, 3 months, 6 days, 13 hours, 42
} minutes, and 28 seconds' War between the dinosaurs of eastern Europe and
} the Space Aliens from Mars was a fact of life, not some legend studied
} only by stuffy academics. Of course, this war resulted in the
} destruction of the Dinosaur civilization. However, before the Martians
} could establish a permanent foothold on Earth, the Lava Knights burst
} forth from their fortress at the center of the Earth and vanquished the
} remains of the Martian. The Lava Knights then went to live on Atlantis,
} which was actually a Martian command ship. Atlantis then blasted off
} into space carrying all the Lava Knights. No one records what happened
} to them.
}
} Actually, on second thought, don't put too much faith in that answer. I
} got really drunk when Rome fell, and pretty much passed out until the
} Renaissance. That's why they're called the Dark Ages.
}
} You owe the Oracle the look on your teacher's face when they read about
} the fall of the Dinosaur King in single unarmed combat with the Supreme
} Commander of Mars.


1416-07    (33d6a dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> God must be an engineer, why else would so many animals follow similar
> patterns with only minor modifications?
>
> Kangaroo is just an economy-sized walley.
>
> Hippo/rhino body plan is the same, don't know why the latter has horns.
> Triceratops horn pattern also reused, in different animal.
>
> Mammoth, oversized elephant.
>
> And the donkey(ass)/horse/zebra/unicorn/pony works very well so no
> need to change.
>
> Okay, unicorn was discontinued.
>
> And we also have a nice selection of cats.. Don't know why saber-tooth
> died out, impractical prolly.
>
> How bout woodpeckers, their tounge goes all the way around their heads!
> (and through their skull) He must have been *drunk* while on the
> drafting board..
>
> And dogs don't really exist, they're just domesticated wolves.
>
> But why'd he let all the showroom models eat each other?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} < scene: a typical grimy parts yard, corrugated metal
}    wall around it, dirt parking lot, waiting room is a
}    porch like affair near a filthy trailer, huge sign
}    above says "Yo!Way's Spare Parts" >
}
} Yo!Way: Hey, parts ain't cheap.
}
} [ Angel holding a rat tail in his hand looks down at
}    it forlornly ]
}
} Angel: Look, I gotta get this creature up and running
}         soon. This tail, it just don't cut it.
}
} Yo!Way: I think I got something around da back you'll
}          like.
}
} [ The two trudge into The Yard piles of creatures are
}    scattered haphazardly about, rhinos, octopus, gnats,
}    bears, tiburons, eagles . . .]
}
} Angel: Hey how about this?
}
} Yo!Way: You kiddin' me, right? That's a cayman tail, pure
}          reptile. That thing ya got there, came from a
}          mammalian body. Am I right?
}
} Angel: Well yeah, but erm, I needed a repo system and I
}         got one over at Ol' Nick's and dang if he didn't
}         give me one that lays eggs!
}
} Yo!Way: Ol' Nick's!! I outta run ya outta the yard right
}          now. Serves you right dealing with that pack of
}          two bit scavengers.
}
} [ Yo!Way stops by a pile of woodchucks and beavers, he
}    tosses them about. How many? Hard to say. ]
}
} Yo!Way: I thought I had a spare muskrat. Ah heck, here
}          take this. 50 souls. Plus tax of course.
}
} Angel: A beaver tail?
}
} Yo!Way: Sure, it'll work. Besides that thing ya got is
}          all kinda wack as is. And beaver and tail, well
}          they sorta a thing, like milk and honey you knows?
}          That thing does make milk, right?
}
} Angel: Yes. But the snout isn't working right. So once I
}         slap on this tail, I'll have to work on the other
}         end.
}
} Yo!Way: I got some mallard bills that I gotta get rid of
}          like right now. You take the beaver tail and I'll
}          throw in some bills for half of what they cost me.
}
} Angel: <sighs> Ok, Ok. Bill me.
}
} [ fade to black ]


1416-08    (07ag2 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't seem to get a word in edgewise with my girlfriend. Is there
> another orientation I could try, other than edgewise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Edgewise is unwise.  You could try slantwise.  Likewise, go for
} crosswise, endwise, sidewise, lengthwise, widthwise, or breadthwise.
} Contrariwise, if you're streetwise you'll know to try them each
} clockwise and counterclockwise, and otherwise, do them piecewise and
} even pairwise.
}
} And thuswise she'll be none the wiser.  Leastwise I think so.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wisecrack, wisenheimer.


1416-09    (25ae4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> With the death of Bob, is the world Hopeless?  'Coz I liked Paleface.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A Koan:
}
} "When," the supplicant asked at the evening meal, "can the entire worth
} of an Oracularity be found in the question itself, though it consists
} of a single lowly pun?"  "When wit is wholly lacking in the reply,"
} spoke the Oracle, who swatted the supplicant across the forehead and
} then turned back to his soup.  And at that moment the supplicant was
} enlightened.


1416-10    (24cc5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there so many weirdoes in this site?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Besides the two of us, natch.
}
} Supplicant, it appears to be time for some further grammatical lessons,
} regarding first, second, and third person.  Repeat after me.
}
} "I am a rugged individualist.  You are an eccentric.  He is a weirdo."
}
} "I am focused.  You are single-minded.  He is obsessive-compulsive."
}
} "My sense of humor is uninhibited, literate, and free-ranging.  Your
} sense of humor is wacky.  His sense of humor is mainly
} incomprehensible, except for the puns."
}
} "I am a freedom fighter.  You are a soldier.  He is a terrorist."
}
} "My political views are informed and nuanced.  Your political views are
} ideological and rigid.  His political views are partisan and just
} plain wrong."
}
} "I write wonderful Oracularities.  You enjoy reading good
} Oracularities. A Priest wouldn't notice a decent Oracularity if it
} trotted up and bit him on the leg."
}
} "I am a realist.  You are sometimes moody.  He is a crotchety old
} fart."
}
} You owe the Oracle some proof you aren't actually a third person in
} disguise.


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