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Internet Oracularities #1417

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Internet Oracularities #1417    (35 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:00:27 -0500 (EST)

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participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1417
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1417  35 votes 67e44 13dc6 78c53 0ba95 19h71 13aba 67f34 03cd7 48d64 33db5
1417  3.2 mean  2.8   3.5   2.7   3.2   2.9   3.7   2.8   3.7   2.9   3.3


1417-01    (67e44 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the story morning glory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A story, you want?  Here is one from the Army.
}
} "As the sun began its insistent rise, Private Steifen found it hard
} to wake up, hard to get out of bed, hard to do anything.  His fellow
} soldiers were already fully up, attending to flagpole duty.  'What
} is your dysfunction, Chubby?' Sergeant Duro shouted stiffly.  Steifen
} rose like a shot.  Upright, he hurried to the door, grasped the knob,
} and went outside to join his buddies in raising the flag.  What a day
} he had picked to screw up.
}
} "The company had already had breakfast, so Steifen had time only to
} grab a sausage and whack off half a banana and rush over to the field
} for the annual inspection.  Firmly he stood at attention, as General
} Pee-Wee Erezione and his large staff took their place on the grandstand
} that had been erected only the day before; the private recalled the
} prick he had gotten from a splinter while trying to use his tool on the
} wood. Saluting the general always filled Steifen with pride; it made
} him see himself as an upstanding example of manhood, and not such a
} dingaling.
}
} "'About face', shouted the sergeant, and as Steifen wheeled about
} he saw with horror that his flag was only at half-mast.  'Oh no,' he
} ejaculated.  Now he was in a real pickle.  He realized he would
} probably get the shaft from his buddies for this boner, and that night
} Sergeant Duro would probably be hard on him too."
}
} Oops, that last bit might have come out sounding like a double
} entendre.  Gigidi.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dirty story.


1417-02    (13dc6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, omniscient and precognitive,
>
> Who will the Democratic presidential nominee be in 2008?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In February the nominee will be a granola-eating tree-hugging pinko,
} seeking to connect with the vocal minority who votes in the primaries.
}
} In April the nominee will be a marble-mouthed gaffe-machine, trying
} to control the damage from an offhand remark about a wildebeest seen
} on a childhood visit to the zoo.
}
} In June the nominee will be the Comeback Kid, who is out to prove
} the pundits wrong.
}
} In August the nominee will be a uniter, having the support of all
} the also-rans who each has secretly been promised the post of
} Secretary of State in the new administration.
}
} In October the nominee will be a flag-waving tax-cutting redneck,
} who comes in peace and shoots to kill.
}
} In December the nominee will be just another Schmoe, sitting at
} home sipping a beer and wondering how the election was booted
} away yet again.
}
} That's who the nominee will be.  Does the actual name matter?
}
} You owe the Oracle a simple pronoun that means "he or she".


1417-03    (78c53 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was Daisy as sad she seemed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all started when Daisy woke up in a cornfield.  It was the third
} time it had happened to her and she was beginning to feel that perhaps
} someone had it in for her.  She looked around and found ... gasp horror
} ... that she had lost the Holy Laptop containing the Spirit of the
} Oracle (whisky, Laphroig ideally) when he fancied a night out on the
} town incognito (or rather in Buxton as this particular escapade had
} been).  Unless Daisy could find the Holy Laptop and return it before
} daybreak all would be lost.....!
}
} Daisy sat up and tried to think when she had last seen the Holy
} Laptop.  She knew she'd had it in Yates just /before/ they started
} downing shots and she'd definately had it a while later as she
} distinctly remembered hanging it in it's shiny leather case on the
} back of the toilet door when the liquids of the night started to
} catch up on her.  If only her head didn't feel like someone had
} imprisoned a small thundergods convention in it she could think what
} happened next.  She knew she had spent rather a long time in the
} toilet and then.... no... she couldn't believe she could have been so
} stupid....  To have left it on the back of the door....  /Anyone/
} could have taken it... and besides she couldn't actually currently
} remember which establishment the toilet had been in.  Furthermore she
} didn't actually know in which direction Buxton lay.  Luckily she
} could see a road running along one side of the field.  Pushing
} through waist-high corn she made for the gate.  Once she reached the
} road she paused.  Left or right?  A car came past from the left and
} that made her mind up.  She set off leftwards.
}
} After a short, but energetic, walk Daisy was relieved to find that
} she was coming into civilisation heralded by large impressive
} "Welcome to Buxton" roadsigns (if you can call a town based on
} bathing in fancy water civilised).  Now all she had to do was
} remember which pub they'd visited last.
}
} After a further few minutes walking Daisy began to recognise her
} surroundings.  She blundered about the back streets for a bit before
} finally stopping outside a rather rough and rather closed looking
} pub.
}
} "Damm"
}
} She was almost certain it was here that she had been last, and here
} that the Holy Laptop was imprisoned.  However her chances of getting
} it back before daybreak looked slim.  She walked round to the back of
} the establishment in the vain hope that she might be able to find an
} open window.  No such luck.  Then suddenly the ground gave way below
} her and she found herself in the pub's cellar.  Normally this would
} be a serious cause for celebration but there was no time for that
} today.  She marched out of the cellar door, up the stairs and into
} the main bar.  Recalling that the toilets were to her left she made a
} beeline for them.  She threw open the door to the third cubicle from
} the door and triumphantly looked on the back of the door.
}
} "DAMM!"
}
} There was nothing on the peg.  She checked the other cubicles, but
} drew a blank there too.  Just then the door swung open and there was
} the landlord.
}
} "Caught short eh?  Ah've met sum deft tieves in mah time but yewse
} gotta be the deftist." "I can explain" countered Daisy "I just
} realised I'd left my laptop behind and like I didn't want to wake
} you" "You didn't want to wake me.  Ah see.  So you jist thought yewd
} break into mah pub and see if it was still here like eh?" "Um well
} more like I was taking advantage of the situation.  I fell into your
} cellar.  I could sue you for that.  The more I think about it the
} more certain I am that I must have broken both my legs, fractured my
} skull and dislocated my jaw and I doubt that I'll heal well enough
} that I'll ever be able to work again.  In fact I think I'd need at
} least 7-digits worth of compensation." "Ah well when yew put it like
} /that/ as a matter of fact yewse is verra lucky.  Just after you'd
} left a small shy gal brung this case up to me and said it had been
} left in the bogs.  I'll just go fetch it shall I?" "You do that and
} I'll go home and no one else need to be bothered by all this eh?"
}
} And so was the Holy Laptop returned to its rightful bearer and all
} was well with the world.
}
} (PS my guess is that immediately after this incident Daisy was very
} happy, or at least very relieved indeed)


1417-04    (0ba95 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you keep sending me the question back?  The Service does that
> already, along with the answer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} New Email Protocol Offers Greater User Safety Than Ever Before!!!
}
} Mircosoft have just announced that their latest OS, Vasta, will
} incorporate a new version of Offlook Andante which will support
} RubberMail.  This innovative new product will protect users from damage
} caused by their computers crashing by encasing the entire outfit in an
} elastic material obtained from the LaTeX SAP of trees.  New features
} include:
}
} *  Built-in support for bouncing email.
} *  A special "squash" command which will compact messages to roughly a
}    tenth of their size before sending at high velocity straight upwards.
} *  Pong to replace Solitaire.
}
} You owe me a copy of Mircosoft Vasta and a Cray to run it on.


1417-05    (19h71 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and might Oracle who could carry a tune in a holy bucket -
> did Christine really want to go with the Phantom of the Opera?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question you should have asked is did the Phantom really want to
} have her come with him? I mean, this chick is a beaut, I won't argue
} that, but come on! Is it really necessary to burst into song every ten
} minutes or so? Yeah, it's cute at first, but there's the Phantom a year
} later, recovering from plastic surgery done by that Dr. Ray guy in
} Beverly Hills, and she bursts into the room singing about something or
} other! The guy's lived under an opera house for years, I think he could
} do with a little quiet TLC, you know?
}
} But, to answer your question, who knows? Yes, I know, but no one else
} does. And that's the way it'll stay. Woman is a mystery. A crazy, loud
} mystery.
}
} You owe the Oracle new ear plugs for his friend the Phantom.


1417-06    (13aba dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The US military budget is currently almost half a trillion dollars. The
> NASA budget is 16 billion dollars. What would happen if they switched?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We could discover all the intelligent life in the
} universe we wouldn't be able to kill.


1417-07    (67f34 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0
> Content-Type: text/plain;
>       charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0
> Content-Type: text/html;
>       charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
> <HTML><HEAD>
> <META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; =
> charset=3Diso-8859-1">
> <META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.5730.11" name=3DGENERATOR>
> <STYLE></STYLE>
> </HEAD>
> <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
> <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} --- The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> wrote:
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > This is a multi-part anti-message in antimatter format.  Boom.
} > >
} > > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0
} > > Content-Type: text/plain;
} > >   charset="iso-8859-1"
} > > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
} > >
} > > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0
} > > Content-Type: text/html;
} > >   charset="iso-8859-1"
} > > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
} > >
} > > <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
} > > <HTML><HEAD>
} > > <META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; =
} > > charset=3Diso-8859-1">
} > > <META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.5730.11" name=3DGENERATOR>
} > > <STYLE></STYLE>
} > > </HEAD>
} > > <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
} > > <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML>
} > >
} > > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0--


1417-08    (03cd7 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, who fathoms the true meaning of a lightyear,
>
> What makes outer space so dangerous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing.
}
} Lots and lots of it. Going on darn near forever
} in all directions. Oh sure, there's some dust
} here, a planet full of sentient creatures there,
} and a perfectly matched pair of G Class stars way,
} way over there, but mostly it's nothing. And nothing
} is dangerous. Think about a gun. See that empty
} hole at the end of the barrel, the place where
} nothing is? That is by far the MOST DANGEROUS part to
} place upside your temple. Or your girlfriend, think
} of her. If you ask her anything -- what's up or
} what she's mad about or what it is she's thinking
} of and she says, "Nothing" -- Dude, you are in BIG
} TROUBLE.
}
} Nothing is Bad Stuff.
}
} That's why they put it up there in outer space, out
} of the way, out of reach.
}
} You owe the Oracle something.


1417-09    (48d64 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> D
> e
> a
> r
>
> O
> r
> a
> c
> l
> e
> ,
>
> W
> h
> a
> t
>
> i
> s
>
> t
> h
> e
>
> l
> o
> n
> g
> e
> s
> t
>
> m
> e
> s
> s
> a
> g
> e
>
> e
> v
> e
> r
>
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>
> b
> e
>
> O
> r
> a
> c
> u
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> a
> r
> i
> z
> e
> d
> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows what you're driving at. The Old "Kinzler
} is dead" myth. To start with the Sgt Pepper Parody in 999-06
} at 363 lines long is NOT the longest answer. Digest # 999
} is 363 lines long &when inverted the Digest Number is 666
} which is supposed all be spooky -- as is the fact that it is
} the 6th answer. But the truth is that Lord Lucifer Morningstar
} did NOT garrote Kinzler in a midnight ritual with a length
} of twisted pair in July of 1994 as part of some pact Kinzler
} made with the Prince of Lies, payment being due when Digest
} 666 was released. In fact Digest 666 does NOT contain one
} mention of Satan, despite all the rumors you hear of those
} with 'souls lost to /dev/null/' finding Digest number 666
} being full of devil nonsense 'whilst those of pure state'
} finding it full of kitten jokes -- it is neither. Read it
} yourself and see.
}
} <sigh>
}
} Let's look at the so called evidence for this silly
} "Kinzler is dead" Internet legend shall we? So then
} we can put this foolish rumor to sleep forever.
}
} 1) The Sgt Pepper Parody in Digest 999 is the longest
} answer ever given and contains coded hints at the demise
} of Kinzler.
}
} a) It is not the longest answer.
}
} b) The ominous opening tune's repeated phrase of "Kill
} The W..dch..ks Zottin' Band" ONLY causes the name Kinzler
} to appear diagonally if one is using a very specific font
} of a very specific point size and spacing & appears NOT
} ONCE in the reprise version of the same tune at the end
} of the album.
}
} d) The So called Lyrical Evidence:
}
} } Picture yourself in a T1 off a backbone
} } With tangled limbs and <many> crossed lines
} } Somebody calls you, you can't answer slowly,
} } A daemon with horrible kill process nines.
}
} Does NOT refer to the supposed strangulation with a length
} of twisted pair. And no, the lyrics didn't say so even more
} specifically in older versions of the song. And ask anyone who
} has been a sysadmin; fully shielded foil screened twisted
} pair isn't quite flexible enough to serve as a good garrote.
}
} g) Other alleged lyric ~clues~ such as "..he's Tied up with the
} Phone", OR "those who digest lose their soul" OR "looking in the
} obits I noticed he was late" are easily brushed aside as mishearings
} of the sung words. All agree the no longer available cassette tape
} form of the answer sold as a novelty in the Gift Shop the following
} St. Ludmila's Day had abysmally poor sound quality.
}
} h) Tales of Evil Priests who skillfully prune answers to exclude
} any further hints of the murder are hogwash as evidenced by the
} undeniable fact that this answer here appears unedited and available
} for all to read and study.
}
} i)Lies! That's all it is. Anyone that spreads this kind of muck
} enrages us all! And as for the gibberish line of "zL3R dYY0
} i dz foo" found in one, ONE, mal-formed header well, you and
} l, Klued in as we are, know that is pure nonsense.
}
} You owe the Oracle a feast of boiled babies. Just kidding!
} Thirty coins will do nicely. Dimes, pennies, gold it don't
} matter. U safe. Mellow out.


1417-10    (33db5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which fonts are the smallest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice groveling. Not.
}
} Many experts in the field of typography would
} (all too readily) tell you (in that nasally voice
} that for some reason is common to virtually all
} typography experts) that the the smallest font
} available today is IBM-Exacto-TeensyType-IV-Oblique,
} or possibly Zapf-Dustmite-WhispyItalic-ISO8859-1.
} (Then they would snicker, knowing that you can't
} tell the difference between a typeface and a font.
} I tell you, these people just get my goat. What is
} their problem? I mean... Where was I?)
}
} These experts would, of course, be wrong. Fortunately
} for you, you asked me, and not them. The correct
} answer is Contracto-Disclaimer-UltraWeasel-Narrow-43.
} (The 43, by the way is the width in angstroms.) It
} is the font of choice for record companies,
} Hollywood pre-nup lawyers, and army recruiters.
}
} You might not be aware that for years when the
} Internet Oracle ends a post with something like
} "You owe the Oracle a box of figs.", that the period
} at the end of that sentence is actually a small
} legal addendum in Contracto-Disclaimer-UltraWeasel
} that when magnified many times says "and your
} immortal soul."
}
} You owe the Oracle a typewriter ribbon .


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