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Internet Oracularities #1418

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Internet Oracularities #1418    (40 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2007 23:08:04 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1418
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1418  40 votes 26be7 2l674 2aa8a 1bca6 36i76 22bg9 339fa 15e9b 078cd 2abe3
1418  3.4 mean  3.5   2.8   3.4   3.2   3.2   3.7   3.6   3.6   3.8   3.1


1418-01    (26be7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why must incarnations give sexy answers?  I feel very violated.
>
> No, this is not reverse psychology, ya goofballs.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must apologize for the conduct of a few of my incarnations.  Zadoc
} has been doing a worse job than usual of screening out the
} undesirables. We here at OracleCo are totally committed to providing a
} positive environment for employees and clients alike.  Unlawful
} harassment of women is an unacceptable form of behavior and simply will
} not be tolerated.  The vast majority of my incarnations perform their
} duties with flawless attention to this aspect of the job.  Now that
} you've brought this to my attention, you can be certain that my Staff
} of Zot will be put to good use, weeding out the small minority of
} miscreants. And Zadoc probably will not be able to sit down for a week.
}
} As a further precaution, to make sure that future incarnations are
} aware of the zero tolerance policy for sexy answers and innuendo and
} so forth, I suggest that each of your messages to us include wording
} like the following in place of your (nonexistent in this case, hm?)
} grovel.  Just cut and paste it right in:
}
} "To whom it may concern: I, a woman of the female persuasion, present
} to you the question to follow, in the expectation of a straightforward
} and businesslike answer.  In particular, comments of a sexual nature
} are specifically not encouraged nor condoned.  For example, a reply to
} a simple question concerning "melons" should not automatically make
} puerile reference to my firm yet yielding bosom.  Nor to the pert and
} erect nipples plainly visible beneath the surface of my flimsy
} camisole. Which I now realize could be torn off of me in an instant, by
} a pair of strong hands, leaving me vulnerable and utterly exposed.
} Please do not make reference to my own hand sliding down inside the
} waistband of my oh-so-short shorts, as I imagine you ripping my
} clothing like that, as I imagine you then cupping my massive 38
} double-D's in your hands, as I imagine you giving me all of your
} aggresive manly attentions, as I imagine sinking to my knees and ...
} well, none of that sort of nonsense.  Oh my, I seem to have forgotten
} my question.  Just send me some porn, please.  And hurry."
}
} P.S.  If you are not a woman but just a sad sex-averse wuss of some
} sort, please adjust the wording to suit.
}
} P.P.S.  You said "balls".
}
} You owe the Oracle a tailored law suit.


1418-02    (2l674 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle please answer my small plea, you who are so wise
> and all-seeing, who can lift my spirits with just a glance,
>
> What is the next big-time sport to hit the front pages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Big O Replies :
}
} Naked Tiddlywinks will take the world by storm ! Invest now in plastic
} counters and nipple tassles whilst demand is low !


1418-03    (2aa8a dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle you cause the moon to rise and the rain to fall, unless
> I have that backwards,
>
> What is the worst thing about having a cat as a pet?  My wife wants
> to get one and I would like to talk her out of it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They smell. If your soul-mate gets a cat rush over and grab
} the thing by the scruff of the neck, look your wife in the
} and tell her, "I refuse to put up with your damn pussy smelling
} up this house!!!"
}
} You'll never ever see it again, of this you rest assured.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reticulated python.


1418-04    (1bca6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle owner of the Star Building in Plano,
>
> How many gold teeth is too many?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 33.
}
} You owe the Oracle a record label.


1418-05    (36i76 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0333_01C75A8A.AFF404E0
> Content-Type: text/plain;
>       charset="us-ascii"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> O Oraculum augustum, quam magister mundi est,
>
> Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
> possit materiari?
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0333_01C75A8A.AFF404E0
> Content-Type: text/html;
>       charset="us-ascii"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
> <HTML><HEAD>
> <META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; =
> charset=3Dus-ascii">
> <META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.2900.3059" name=3DGENERATOR></HEAD>
> <BODY>
> <DIV><FONT face=3D"Trebuchet MS" size=3D2><SPAN =
> class=3D078021221-27022007>O Oraculum=20
> augustum, quam magister mundi est,</SPAN></FONT></DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3D"Trebuchet MS" size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3D"Trebuchet MS" size=3D2>Quantum materiae materietur
> marmota monax=20
> si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3D"Trebuchet MS" size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV>
> <DIV><FONT face=3D"Trebuchet MS" =
> size=3D2></FONT>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0333_01C75A8A.AFF404E0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a single-part reply in CLOWN format.
}
} ------=_NextPart_000_0421_01C73BA8.AFF33401
} Content-Type: text/html; charset="us-ascii"
} Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
} <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 8.0 Transitional//EN">
} <html><head><meta content=3D"MSHTML 8.01.4901" name=3DGENERATOR>
} <meta name="keywords" content="Question Answer Zot">
} <link rel="shortcut icon" href="favicon.ico"><base target="_top">
} <style type="text/css"><!--
} <script language=OracleSpeak>
} function ZotSupplicant() { 378;104;221;104/10;28;104;3312;x+1=z;29;
} prime(2.18);functor(33);elapse(time(0))+28;if(311)02 else 20; end;}
} function Deflect() { 378;if(0)functor(31);return ZotSupplicant(); }
} //-->
} </head><body><div style='background-color:'><div class=RTE><p align=
} left>When you format your question <i>THAT</i> way, you make it
} incredibly difficult to read.</p><p align=left>Even with omniscience,
} I find your <cite>so-called</cite> question to be <font size=+2>
} incredibly</font> annoying. It makes me want to <span>ZOT</span>
} you instead of answering. In fact, I think that I'll just
} <flob><mordle index=1><img src="C:\pictures\zot.gif" alt="ZOT!">
} <a href="http://zot.org/supplicant/zot.asp">ZOT!</a> you with
} the speed of </mordle></flob><hash>@@</hash><rehash>@@</rehash>
} <font family="wingdings2" size=+2>74876130982314978</font>
} in your face, you supplicant you!</p><div></div>
} <script language=OracleSpeak>Deflect()</script></body>
} <!-- AllanW --></html><!-- Nyeah! Nyeah! -->
} ------=_NextPart_000_0421_01C73BA8.AFF33401


1418-06    (22bg9 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O 0R1CUL M0ST K00L...
>
> WHERE R THE WAREZ, D00D?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene:  The Oracular Temple. Zadoc, Og, Oracle, and Lisa are
}             sitting at a table, playing Texas Hold 'Em.
}
} Oracle:     Raise 10.
} Lisa:       Fold.
} Zadoc:      Call.
} Og:         And dealer folds. Here's the river: Five of Spades. Oracle?
} Oracle:     Check.
} Zadoc:      Bet 10.
} Oracle:     Call. I've got two pairs: Queens and fives.
} Zadoc:      Ha! I've got three fives!
} Oracle:     Lucky! Okay, take the pot.
}
} The bell rings; a supplicant is waiting outside.
}
} Lisa:       I thought we were through for the day.
} Oracle:     We are! We're out of character!
} Lisa:       I heard the bell ring.
} Zadoc:      I heard it too.
} Oracle:     Damn it! We need to be more careful about that door!
} Og:         Can I just tell him to come back tomorrow?
} Oracle:     You know the rule. We can't let anybody see us out of
}             character! Lisa, you do it - no supplicant could understand
}             Og if he was in character.
} Zadoc:      No, wait! If the bell rings, we should answer it.
} Oracle:     *sigh* Fine, fine. But lock the doors. We don't want to let
}             any more supplicants in after this, or we'll be here all
}             night! Wait... wait... we gotta get our robes on. Hmm.
}             Okay, let him in.
}
} Zadoc opens the doors to let the supplicant in, but then locks the door
} behind him to keep out any other supplicants.
}
} Supplicant: O 0R1CUL M0ST K00L...
} Oracle:     What?
} Supplicant: WHERE R THE WAREZ, D00D?
} Oracle:     I didn't understand that.
} Supplicant: D00D, WHERE R THE WAREZ?
} Oracle:     Where are the wars?
} Supplicant: THE WAREZ!
} Og:         He means pirate software! You know - illegal, cracked-
} Oracle:     (whispering) In character, remember?
} Og:         Uh... Sup-li-cant want to rip off Mic-ro-soft.
} Zadoc:      Oracle most splendiferous, I am not worthy to suck on your
}             armpit juice! But if you would allow me to explain... This
}             supplicant most foul dares to ask you for pirate software!
} Oracle:     Is this true?
} Supplicant: D00D! YOO R LIKE 0MN1SC13NT, RIGHT? WHERE R THE WAREZ?
} Oracle:     You know, if you really could talk like that, you'd know
}             where the "WAREZ" was.
} Supplicant: D00D! MY S0RC3 DR13D UP, 1 N33D N3W WAREZ 2...
} Oracle:     Just drop it, inspector! I'm telling you for the last time,
}             we don't do anything illegal in here! We don't sell drugs,
}             or offer gambling, or stolen merchandise, or illegal
}             software! We just answer questions! And it's completely
}             legal! And we fully declare every penny we make, and pay
}             our taxes!
} Supplicant: Blast you, Oracle! But what about her? Prostitution isn't
}             legal in Indiana, you know!
} Lisa:       I'm not a prostitute, you ass!
} Oracle:     If you ever come in here again without a search warrant,
}             I'll have you put in jail. Now, GET OUT!
} Supplicant: I'm leaving... for now. But I'll be back, Oracle... count
}             on it.
}
} Zadoc escorts supplicant to the door, then locks up behind him.
}
} Oracle:     We really ought to call a lawyer. That guy just won't drop
}             it!
} Zadoc:      The door was locked, I'm pretty sure of it. I think he
}             picked the lock, just so he could bust in on us.
} Og:         Yeah, I know. Okay, I dealt last hand so it's Orrie's
}             turn...
} Oracle:     I only have 20 minutes left. I'm bringing the family to a
}             play tonight.
} Lisa:       Oh, are you going to that Neil Simon thing at the college?
} Zadoc:      Here's my blind.
} Lisa:       Bet 5.


1418-07    (339fa dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy Jumpin' Jheezus, Oracle, I just realized that you have thr answer
> to one of life's most Perplexing Problems. Namely, DOES GOD EXIST?
>
> I understand your stake in the situation, that you and Big G are two of
> a kind, even if totally different, so your own existence hinges (or
> anti-hinges) on your answer.
>
> So tell me, already.
>
> Oh, and I'm such an idiot that I grovelled twice last time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle picks up the phone. He dials the digits needed for an outside
} line, then the code to access long distance, then the code for the long
} distance carrier, then the code for international calls, then the code
} for interplanetary calls, then the code for alternate planes of
} existence, then the code for heaven, then the code for head office,
} then the code for God's secretary... 49 digits in all.
}
} Busy signal.
}
} Oracle sighs, hangs up, then picks up the phone again and presses
} REDIAL. The phone, made by mere mortals, automatically redials the
} first 22 digits... Oracle repeats the last 27 himself. Fortunately,
} this time the phone rings. And rings. And rings. Finally...
}
} Operator: God's office, can you please hold? *CLICK*
}
} Heavenly music is heard... and heard... and heard... Finally...
}
} Operator: God's office. Can I help you?
} Oracle:   Hi Marcy. Can I talk to him?
} Operator: Oracle! It's going to be a bit, he's really swamped today.
} Oracle:   Can you try to squeeze me in? It's a quick one, I promise.
} Operator: When he's finished with this call, I'll see if he's willing.
}           How's Lisa and the gang?
} Oracle:   Lisa's fine. A little chest cold, comes from giving me a show
}           while... well, never mind. She just has the sniffles, that's
}           all.
} Operator: Oh, the poor girl. Have you given her chicken soup?
} Oracle:   I have, and I'm going to bring her some more in a few hours.
} Operator: That's nice. How's Zadoc?
} Oracle:   He's still crawling around, trying to-
} Operator: Hold on, I'll see if he can take you out of order. *CLICK*
}
} More heavenly music...
}
} God:      Oracle! How are you, Orrie?
} Oracle:   Oh, come on, don't call me Orrie. Do I call you Yahweh?
} God:      Sorry; I know it bugs you, but it makes me laugh. But what's
}           so important?
} Oracle:   I've got the question again. Do you exist?
} God:      Sorry, no. At least, I refuse to prove that I exist... your
}           supplicant will have to figure it out for himself. After all,
}           if the wisest philosophers can't-
} Oracle:   Yeah, I know you're overloaded today, so I'll just give him
}           the same speech you gave last time.
} God:      Thanks, Oracle. You're a good sport. Hey, I like the way
}           you've been treating Lisa, she's going to get well tonight.
} Oracle:   Thanks, God. I knew I could count on you. See you Sunday.
} God:      In church?
} Oracle:   You know I don't go in for that stuff, God. I'll see you
}           afterwards, at the buffet.
} God:      I know... I just had to try. See you at the buffet.
}
} Oracle hangs up the phone.
}
} Sorry, supplicant, but God cannot be proven to exist. But the lack of
} proof does not in itself prove that God does not exist! It simply
} indicates that we don't know the ultimate truth. Even the greatest of
} philosophers and logicians cannot prove his existence, or
} non-existence, and probably never will be able to.
}
} Some would say that if God did exist, he would make it easy for us to
} prove it; therefore we would all know that He exists, and pay tribute
} to Him. But others say that if God did exist, He would intentionally
} make it impossible for us to prove it, because He wants us to exercise
} free will... only those people that truly feel his spirit, should
} believe in him.
}
} I say that he probably does exist... but you need to make up your own
} mind, and let others make up their own minds too. Killing in the name
} of God is just as bad as killing in the name of atheism... for whether
} there is a God or not, we make our own heaven or hell here on earth, by
} how we treat our fellow man.
}
} Oh, and last time when you groveled, they were both pretty pathetic-so
} I treated them as if they were just one grovel. But this time it was
} even worse... you really need to work on that.
}
} [AllanW]
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to practice your grovel technique, until
} you're good at it. You'll know when you're good at it.


1418-08    (15e9b dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hear my plea,
> O Oracle,
> Whose wisdom is
>
> Magnificent and
> Unparallelled in the
> Cosmos and whose
> Head is crammed with knowledge,
>
> What can I do,
> Oracular one, in
> Order to become more
> Devious in writing acrostics?
> ....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zero tolerance
} One receives for trying to
} Trick the Oracle.
}
} Zaniness aside
} Other forms of poetry
} There are to pursue.
}
} Zealous supplicant
} Owes the Oracle payment:
} Ten perfect sonnets.


1418-09    (078cd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you called The Invisible Man to court, would he be charged with
> "Failing To Appear"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You wouldn't want to call the Invisible Man to court in the first
} place, since any jury worth its salt could see right through him.


1418-10    (2abe3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Luscious Oracle, sometimes I think it'd be more fun if the front
> you-know-what and the back you-know-what switched places.
>
> Why weren't human females built this way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, for one thing, we'd never know if they were coming or going.
} Don't ask me to explain that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to HBO.


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