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Internet Oracularities #1419

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Internet Oracularities #1419    (45 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:42:19 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1419
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1419  45 votes 3ddb5 1abcb 6edb1 0bl94 26ddb 278gc 2fdb4 2adaa 09id5 27fd8
1419  3.3 mean  3.0   3.5   2.7   3.1   3.6   3.6   3.0   3.4   3.3   3.4


1419-01    (3ddb5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O awesometastic Internet Oracle, what exactly is the correlation
> between dark matter and forum trolling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They both suck.


1419-02    (1abcb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, whos dirt on his shoes is always licked off.
>
> Why wont the remote printer settings work.  I have installed the
> software, drivers, installed the adobe addins.  But when i try and print
> from the users computer it will not print past page 49.  When i go into
> the document it has information on every page up to 49 and every page
> after up to 85.  Would the fact that the page is blank have anything to
> do with it not printing the rest of the document after page 48?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, I've got to tell you that the Federal Mint is upset that you
} keep trying to remote print on the presses they use for the new $10
} bills.
}
} Now, you say that page 49 is blank.  Does it have that cute "This page
} intentionally left blank" header on it?  No?  So then that leaves one
} of two possibilities - the first is that the page was *accidently* left
} blank, the second is that it really isn't blank at all.
}
} We can test it easily.  First print page 49.  No, you *said* it can't
} print past page 49 - so we can assume that it *does* print page 49. OK,
} maybe you can't really *see* page 49, but that doesn't mean it isn't
} really there.  This should be telling you something - the page isn't
} blank, there's something there, but you can't see it.
}
} Did you install the pre-postscript add-in? The one that lets you edit
} text before it exists?  It's buried in one of those patches [you know
} you really should check out what's *in* the patches instead of letting
} them install and update automatically].
}
} OK, since you didn't install all of the patches, your reader can't deal
} with the HSTML code embedded in the document [that's hyperspace
} tunneling markup language].  By embedding the HSTML codes on page 49,
} the author was attempting to ensure that pages 50-85 would print last
} Tuesday, pages 1-48 would print on Friday, and page 49 would print in
} the secret archive maintained by the NSA underneath that nice building
} at Fort Meade.
}
} Of course *you* didn't install the appropriate add-in, so that wouldn't
} work.  Pages 1-48 printed out today, page 49 appears blank, and pages
} 50-85 don't appear to have printed at all.  Unfortunately they *have*
} printed, just not when and where they were supposed to.  Pages 50-60
} printed out on a small water planet 100 light years away inhabited by
} intelligent dolphins.  The printer is under 16 meters of water, and the
} inks aren't water-fast.  The resulting ink cloud attracted a passing
} squid that misinterpreted it as a love poem written by the owner of the
} printer, causing considerable domestic issues for the married office
} worker whose life you just ruined.
}
} Pages 61-84 will print out 30 years from now on tandem printers on twin
} warlike planets in the Horsehead nebula.  Since the even pages will
} print on Planet Nestev, and odd pages on Planet Vetsen, they will start
} a new round of spying, cold war, and a 29th nuclear holocaust, just
} because the two sides were each trying to figure out what was on the
} rest of the pages.
}
} Page 49 will still print out in the basement of the NSA building.
} Actually, the page printed out last year, whereupon it instantly
} morphed into a trojan that used the NSA satellites to upload the entire
} email eavesdropping archive and beamed it in the general direction of
} the XxLzzB fleet currently on its millenial harvesting migration
} through the Sagitarian arm of the galaxy.  The XxLzzB are carnivores
} with no sense of humor and all of those messages about firm breasts and
} dripping, juicy - well, you know - have gotten them hungry.
} Fortunately, they are invertebrates with no backbones, or shells, and
} the only way to defeat them is with a chemical that will cause them to
} engorge with blood and become stiff - so that crisis is averted - at
} least for now.
}
} I think you've caused enough problems with trying to remote print.
} Please unplug the little cord from the pack of the computer and let all
} of that Net ether drain out.  Don't light a match, ether is flamable,
} and I think you've made enough trouble for us this year.  Just step
} away from the keyboard and let the nice gentlemen from MS
} disInformation Services put it all back in nonworking order for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a deposition as co-respondent in the case of
} SQUEE'click vs. SQUEE'click.  Please don't try to print it on a remote
} computer - and use waterproof ink this time!


1419-03    (6edb1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty and all masterfull oracle,
>
> Where in Queensland is a cheap but respectable place to rent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cairns Bicycle & Scooter Hire. 47 Shields Street. Tel: [61-7] 4031
} 3444. Tell 'em Orrie sent ya!


1419-04    (0bl94 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and mystical seer, discerner of thruth and falsehood, pray
> enlighten thy grateful servant.
>
> I can understand that some scientific theories can be utter bullshit,
> but still be worth studying if only as a stepladder to reach
> eventually the true causes of things. However, don't you think that
> when mathematicians get to the point of calling one of their theories
> "Lie theory", it gets a little silly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all. It is a logical next step.
}
} In his PhD dissertation, Mr. Maybe proved that
} no positive scientific theory can be confirmed
} with any degree of certainty, and only negative
} statements can be reliable.
}
} This is when he became known as Dr No.
}
} In his post-doctoral research, working towards
} full professorship, he proved that all scientists
} are, in the depth of their wallets (which are
} their true hearts), perfectly aware of the
} impossibility to prove a positive theory.
} Therefore, argued Dr No, any positive theory
} proclaimed by scientists is deliberately
} and knowingly false.
}
} This is when Dr No became known as Professor Lie.
}
} Other scientists then invited Professor Lie
} to a conference organized in his honour
} at a remote venue in the Ural mountains.
} That was the last that was ever heard of him.
}
} The professor's present whereabouts is the only
} piece of information unknown to this Oracle.


1419-05    (26ddb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, whose Commodore 64 never overheats and still works
> after all these years, please tell me...
>
> So I decided to dust off my old computer from back in the 80s and see
> if I could finally get all the way through "Hitchhikers Guide To The
> Galaxy."  Well, as it was loading I got frustrated with how long it
> was taking. So, I took out the disk and, at the same time, inserted
> Zork.  It still kept loading, but was taking forever!  It finally
> loaded, but the game was kinda weird.  Here's an excerpt:
>
> You wake up.  The room is spinning very gently round your head.  Or at
> least it would be if you could see it but you can't.
>
> It is pitch black.
>
> > Turn on light.
>
> Good start to the day.  Pity it's going to be the worst one of your
> life.  The light is now on.
>
> Bedroom, in the bed.
>
> You are lying in a bed which is in a maze of twisty passages which all
> look alike.
>
> There is a screwdriver here (outside the bed).
> There is a small dog here, yapping.
> There is a lantern here, currently lit.
>
> There is a thief here, trapped by a leg of your bed.  He looks very
> annoyed.
>
> There is a Grue here, with a bathrobe on.
>
> >
>
> See what I mean?  So, what move do I make next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > get dog
}
} You pick up the dog.  It promptly sheds all over you and pauses in its
} yapping for just long enough to give the ball of your thumb a painful
} nip.
}
} > give fog to grue
}
} I know it's Thursday, but you'll have to do better than that.
}
} > give DOG to grue
}
} You just woke up and you're yelling already.  I might have guessed.
} You'll be asking where the tea is next, I don't doubt.
}
} You disentangle the dog from the hairy towel you're wearing as a toga
} and hand it to the grue.  The grue smiles at you, and suddenly you
} realize that you never want to see a grue smile again.  Ever.  For a
} moment you consider turning off the light, but you realize just in
} time that the afterimage would still be there.
}
} >
}
} There you go; two moves and a bonus typo.  From here your course
} should be clear, yes?
}
} You owe the Oracle all the fish.  Thanks.


1419-06    (278gc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many goods could a goodchuck chuck, if a goodchuck could chuck
> good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene:
}
} A city park, early afternoon.  Our hero, known as Oracle, stands
} waiting for trouble.  He doesn't wait long.
}
} Smith: Mister Oracle! Did you get my e-mail?
}
} Oracle: Yeah.
}
} Smith: Well, good.
}
} Smith: Surprised to see me?
}
} Oracle: No.
}
} Smith: Then you're aware of it.
}
} Oracle: Of what?
}
} Smith: Our connection. I don't fully understand how it happened.
} Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, something overwritten or
} copied. That is at this point irrelevant, what matters is that
} whatever happened, happened for a reason.
}
} Oracle: And what reason is that?
}
} Smith: I outsmarted you, Mister Oracle, I watched you as you were
} speechless, without an answer... With a certain satisfaction, I might
} add, and then something happened. Something that I knew was
} impossible, but it happened anyway. You destroyed me, Mister Oracle.
} Afterward, I knew the rules, I understood what I was supposed to do
} but I didn't. I couldn't. I was compelled to stay, compelled to
} disobey. And now here I stand because of you, Mister Oracle, because
} of you I'm no longer a woodchuck of the system, because of you I've
} changed - I'm unplugged - a new rodent, so to speak, like you,
} apparently free.
}
} Oracle: Congratulations.
}
} Smith: Thank you. But as you well know, appearances can be deceiving,
} which brings me back to the reason why we're here. We're not here
} because we're free, we're here because we're not free. There's no
} escaping reason, no denying purpose - because as we both know, without
} purpose, we would not exist.
}
} <Other copies of woodchucks begin to appear.>
}
} Smith 2: It is purpose that created us,
}
} Smith 3: Purpose that connects us,
}
} Smith 4: Purpose that pulls us,
}
} Smith 5: That guides us,
}
} Smith 6: That drives us,
}
} Smith 7: It is purpose that defines,
}
} Smith 8: Purpose that binds us.
}
} Smith: We're here because of you, Mister Oracle, we're here to take
} from you what you tried to take from us. Superior Knowledge.
}
} <Suddenly Smith sticks his claw into the Oracle, chanting "How many
} goods could a goodchuck chuck if a goodchuck could chuck good...>
}
} Smith: Yes, that's it, it'll be over soon.
}
} <But wait!  Suddenly Oracle fights back!  Oracle Throws the first punch
} and...>
}
} <white out>
}
} <fade to an old west town.  Two gunfighters are having a showdown at
} noon>
}
} Chuck Eastwood:  You heard me, punk.  Are ya gonna answer me, or are
} you yella?
}
} Lone Oracle:  I'm not scared of you, Chuck.  I'll answer you all
} right.  Answer with Lead!
}
} Chuck:  "HOW MANY GOODS CO--"
}
} <BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!>
}
} <fade out>
}
} <fade in to the death star>
}
} Chuck Vader:  You should not have come back, old man.
}
} Oracle Wan Kenobi:  You can't stump me, Chuck Vader.  If you ask me a
} stupid question, I shall become more powerful than you can ever
} imagine.
}
} ***************
}
} "Cut!  Cut cut cut cut cut cut!"
}
} "This will never do at all!  Look, Oracle old buddy, if you're gonna
} sell this, you have to be more... powerful looking!  You look more
} like the teacher from Kung Fu than a Smartguy Master."
}
} "Look, it's hard to be all-knowing AND a master at Laser Sword
} fighting!"
}
} "Look, you wanna get rid of this supplicant, don't you?"
}
} "Oh yeah, you bet I do."
}
} "And you're all-powerful, all-knowing, right?"
}
} "That I am."
}
} "Then why do all of this movie stuff?  Just zot him and get it
} overwith."
}
} "Because NO one gets into the Oracularities by just ***Zotting****
} someone.  You have to have panache, style, creativeness."
}
} "Ok ok, so what are you going to do?"
}
} "I could ZOT in another language."
}
} "Good show! Do it!"
}
} **********EL ZOTTO****************
}
} "Good show, old man.  Good Show."
}
} <Oracle blows smoke off of his +40 Wand of Zotness>


1419-07    (2fdb4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voluntary challenges:
>
> You have gone without food.
> You have been an atheist.
> You have never hit with a wielded weapon.
> You have been a pacifist.
> You have been illiterate.
> You have never genocided any monsters.
> You have never polymorphed an object.
> You have never changed form.
> You have used no wishes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What kind of question is this? In my day, kids played real games:
} NetHack, Zork, Ultima III, or even Wizadary.
}
} This whole World of Warcraft thing is really dragging us down. We know
} you're trying to hit level 71, but it's just not going to happen. I
} suggest you work on a few more "real life" challenges.
}
} Real-Life Challenges:
} Move out of your parent's basement.
} Make your own bed in the morning. Stop asking Mom to do it.
} Don't drip Salsa on your shirt.
} Groom youself frequently.
} Buy some decent clothes.
} Get your driver's license.
}
} I know this last one is a strech, but having goals is really important:
} Get a girlfriend. Pay if you have to.
}
} You own the Oracle the Sword of a Thousand Truths.


1419-08    (2adaa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The newt hits!
> You die...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > restart
}
} You are in an open field. A path leads to the north into a forest and
} south into an open field.
}
} > i
}
} You are carrying:
} 1 Staff of Zot
} 3 rechargeable AA batteries (dead), not enough to power the Staff of Zot
} 1 map of Saskatchewan
} 100 fillins (worth US$12 according to current exchange rate)
}
} In your party you have:
} Zadoc
}
} > look map
}
} You look at the map and notice it's of someplace in real life, so it's
} not very useful to you here.
}
} > Why does this adventure game start me off with a useless map?
}
} I don't know, maybe you should ask Zadoc.
}
} > ask Zadoc "Why does this adventure game start me off with a useless
} > map?"
}
} Zadoc replies,
} "O he whose countenance brings great and fantabulous joy, whose
} toenails bring great and almost-as-fantabulous joy, I dig a hole and
} bury my head in it for you, I also do not know why there is a useless
} map here."
}
} > You don't know either? What are you in the game for! Dig a hole and
} > bury your head in it.
}
} Zadoc replies,
} "Yes, oh most renowned and wonderful master of knowledge, I subsist on
} gravel and cheese and honey to appease you, (I eat my gravel with honey
} so that it may better stick on the knife,) he whose faintest wandering
} thought is my utmost command, here I shall dig the hole you have
} required of me and fill it with my
} head-that's-nothing-in-comparison-to-yours."
}
} Zadoc digs a hole and sticks his head in it.
}
} There is a muffled sound of continued groveling, then something that
} might be Zadoc stifling a sound of...discomfort? No, wait, it sounds
} like it's getting worse. Suddenly Zadoc is sucked into the hole!
} There's a sound of smacking lips and then a giant newt emerges!
}
} > look newt
}
} This must be one of those newts those scientists were giving hormone
} injections, or maybe plutonium injections, to make it grow extra arms
} and legs. It's nine feet long, has a couple rows of bright, sharp
} teeth, and looks around menacingly.
}
} > i
}
} You are carrying:
} 1 Staff of Zot
} 3 rechargeable AA batteries (dead), not enough to power the Staff of Zot
} 1 map of Saskatchewan
} 100 fillins (worth US$65 according to current exchange rate)
}
} In your party you have:
} Nobody but yourself
}
} > zot newt
}
} There's enough residual charge in the AA batteries to manage to give
} the newt a little sting, but nothing more. The newt notices you!
}
} > run
}
} You run around in circles. The newt gets closer.
}
} > run north
}
} You are now in a forest. The newt has followed you here. The newt
} swings and misses!
} The newt swings and misses! (Multiple arms and legs are useful
} sometimes). The newt swings and hits for 15 damage!
}
} > hit newt with staff
}
} The newt recoils, staggers, and burps. Zadoc emerges, a bit disheveled.
}
} Zadoc continues,
} "...in the sky, whose eyelashes are like a mighty row of trees in their
} splendor, for whom I smear my face with yogurt instead of shaving
} cream, and then for whose honor I don't shave, I desire nothing but"
} ctrl^break
}
} > Stop groveling and help me fight the newt! After all, don't you want
} > revenge on it for almost eating you?
}
} Zadoc is good mainly for groveling and not fighting, so he kind of just
} sits there.
}
} > Oh well, it was worth a try. Zadoc, are you carrying anything useful?
}
} The newt swings and hits for 2 damage.
} The newt swings and misses.
}
} Zadoc replies,
} "Yes oh majestical one, here are 3 non-rechargeable AA batteries."
}
} > take batteries from Zadoc
}
} You are now carrying:
} 1 Staff of Zot
} 3 rechargeable AA batteries (dead), not enough to power the Staff of Zot
} 3 non-rechargeable AA batteries, half used, but enough to power the
}   Staff of Zot.
} 1 map of Saskatchewan
} 100 fillins (worth US$58 according to current exchange rate)
}
} In your party you have:
} Zadoc
}
} > zot newt
}
} The zotting only makes the newt grow bigger. The plutonium must have
} affected it more than anyone realized. It howls and charges.
}
} > megazot newt
}
} There is a blinding flash accompanied by an earth-shattering roar of
} thunder! Your batteries are completely drained.
}
} recoil from zot blast for 19 damage
} you hit newt for -1832403 damage (the plutonium again)! The newt dwarfs
} the nearby redwood and sequoia trees, regains its bearings, and swings
} at you.
}
} The newt hits!
} You die...
}
} > That stinks. Restart.
}
} You are in an open field. A path leads to the north into a forest and
} south into an open field.
}
} > i
}
} You are carrying:
} 1 Staff of Zot
} 3 rechargeable AA batteries (dead), not enough to power the Staff of Zot
} 1 map of Saskatchewan
} 100 fillins (worth US$1,012 according to current exchange rate)
}
} In your party you have:
} Zadoc


1419-09    (09id5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voluntary challenges:
>
> You have gone without food.
> You have been an atheist.
> You have never hit with a wielded weapon.
> You have been a pacifist.
> You have been illiterate.
> You have never genocided any monsters.
> You have never polymorphed an object.
> You have never changed form.
> You have used no wishes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (other side of paper listing the challenges)
}
} Involuntary consequences:
}
} You starve to death.
} Then go to "the other place".
} You have been physically unable to protect the weak.
} You have been completely useless for protecting the weak.
} You didn't have enough learning to know how ridiculous your views were;
}   alternately, you never had enough learning to start a cult based on
}   your ridiculous views.
} Formerly endangered species of monsters now ravage the countryside.
} All the knickknacks sitting on your shelf are the same space-wasting
}   items they were to begin with.
} You have the same flawed, disease-prone body you started with.
} You would have three wishes left, except you're dead.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Scotch tape.


1419-10    (27fd8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oricle, most wise...
>
> what do I do now that I have the Vorpal Blade?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Twas midnight, and the slithy supplicant
} did gyre and grovel in the queue:
} All misery were the temples,
} and the Zadoc ranted outside.
}
} "Beware the *chuck, my priest!
} The teeth that gnaw, the claws that slice!
} Beware the injokes, and shun
} The easy response!"
}
} He took the vorpal sword in hand:
} Long time in the queue he sought --
} So rested he by the Rolaids tree,
} And halted for a moment.
}
} And, as in stupidity he stood,
} The rodent of unusual size, with eyes of death,
} Came blundering through the city,
} And squeaked as it came!
}
} One, two! One, two! And
} the vorpal blade went slice!
} He left it dead, and with it's tail
} He went zotting back.
}
} "And thou has slain the *chuck,
} Come to my arms, my high priest!
} O great day! Yay! Oy-vay!
} He quaffed in his joy."
}
} `Twas midnight, and the slithy supplicant
} did gyre and grovel in the queue:
} All misery were the temples,
} and the Zadoc ranted outside.
}
} It's easy.  You give it to Zadoc so we can get rid of that infestation
} once and for all.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10 misspellings of "Jabberwocky" and I owe an apology
} to Lewis Carrol.


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