[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:48:04 GMT

Internet Oracularities #142

Goto:
142, 142-01, 142-02, 142-03, 142-04, 142-05, 142-06, 142-07, 142-08, 142-09, 142-10


Usenet Oracularities #142    (14 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 5 Apr 90 23:18:46 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

142   14 votes 33152 33422 30461 01355 24413 06422 12452 12713 12335 04136
142   3.3 mean  3.0   2.8   3.1   4.0   2.9   3.0   3.4   3.2   3.6   3.8


142-01    (33152 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does BITNET work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, the bits go here and the bits go there,
} and the bits get into my lover's hair,
} and the bits are cooked 'till they are rare,
} and that's how it goes on BITNET.
}
} Oh, the bits go in and the bits go out,
} And they splash around like a drunken trout
} That's swimming up a waterspout,
} And that's how it goes on BITNET.
}
} Oh, the bits go off and the bits go on,
} And the bits swim around like a potted prawn,
} Until their souls are completely gone,
} And that's how it goes on BITNET.


142-02    (33422 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, is she going to come up and visit me this weekend,
> and if not, why?  (I know answering two questions is not your usual
> policy, but could you make an exception in this case?  I'm desperate!!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm afraid that she isn't going to visit you. Why not? Well, you
} must know by now that women never do anything for just one reason. So
} here are the
}
} TOP TEN REASONS SHE WILL NOT COME UP AND VISIT YOU THIS WEEKEND
}
} 10. Doesn't want to miss the "My Favorite Martian" festival
}  9. That last vat of pickles threatened to haunt her if she didn't
}     stay home and eat it
}  8. The weather's "poopy"
}  7. She's seeing how long she can grow her nostril hairs and doesn't
}     want to cut them yet
}  6. She thinks you've found out about her extra breast
}  5. Someone has to tell the world that Steinbrenner sucks!
}  4. Can't sleep until she finishes that Garfield needlepoint
}  3. Haven't you ever had the urge to stay home, dress up like Deborah
}     Norville, and roll in peanut butten for two days?
}  2. She and her girlfriends are going to a bar to watch guys dance who
}     have dicks twice as long as yours
}
} And the number one reason she will not come up and visit you...
}
}  1. As she opens the door, she will be eaten by a large lion
}
} You owe the Oracle a Stupid Human Trick.


142-03    (30461 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and noble and wow Oracle, what if the gigantic fault line I'm
> sitting on should erupt?  What then, O Big One?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know, offhand.  Let's find out.
}
} oracle@iuvax> rlogin earth.sol.mlkway.uni -l root
} Password:
} #
}
} Okay, hmm.  What magnitude shall I pick...oh, I guess a 9 or so will do.
}
} # quake -m9.3
}
} Okay, let me just check this output...uh huh...okay...hmm...yep, just
} as I expected.
}
} So, here's what would happen if that faultline erupted...hello?  Hello?


142-04    (01355 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that you can't live with 'em, and can't live without 'em?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's why you can't live with 'em:
} 1. They tear up everything you own.
} 2. They eat your plants.
} 3. They leave pornographic magazines in the bathroom when your parents
}    or employers come to visit.
} 4. They emit a sulpherous smell which soon begins to permeate everything
}    you own.
} 5. They get you pregnant.
} 6. They stay up late at night, singing Verdi operas and consuming mass
}    quantities of vodka and gatorate.  When you try to shut them up, they
}    curl up and sit in your lap and nuzzle you and look very very cute.
} 7. They kill undergraduates and drag them in and leave them on your
}    doorstep, as a sort of friendship offering.
} 8. They like to write to major political figures, challenging their
}    fundamental beliefs and campaign promises and threatening them with
}    everything from blackmail to neutron bombs in their backyards.  Then
}    the FBI comes after you.
} 9. They order "things" from "mail order companies".  Then they refuse to
}    tell you what they are.
} 10. They run around the house, pretending to be trucks or blind
}     elephants or prime ministers or something equally moronic,
}     blundering into your personal possessions and wreacking havoc.
} 11. They ooze under your door at night and creep into your bed. (cf. 5).
}
} Here's why you can't live without 'em:
}
} 1. Whenever you try to order sushi without one, you cannot figure out
}    what the names are, the waiters won't tell you, and you end up
}    chewing unhappily on huge platters of rubbery abalone, squid, and
}    condoms.
} 2. They are the only things in the world capable of doing your laundry.
} 3. Whenever you aren't living with one of them, real estate brokers
}    plague you incessantly, calling at all hours of the day and night,
}    asking you to buy condos in places with names like "Gelatin Manor",
}    and "Kenotokee Estate".  (You looked up Kenotokee and it means
}    "Doesn't stink so much any more." in Cherokee.)
} 4. Once, when you hadn't so much as been in the same room with one for
}    two months, you actually bought a condo in Kenotokee Estate.  Now
}    you're wondering just how much it stank before, considering how bad
}    it is now.
} 5. When they're away, you find yourself playing video games and eating
}    twinkies soaked in beer 'till four in the morning all the time.  You
}    don't even like twinkies soaked in beer.  Then when you go to sleep
}    the real estate brokers call you again.
}
} So, I think you get the picture.
}
} You owe me (1) one of them, and (2) an eviction notice for said one,
} with the date left blank.


142-05    (24413 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Most,
>
> Could you recite for me one of the lays from "The Lays of Lisa".  I
> don't live in one of the states in which it's banned so it should be
> okay.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, you have caught Me during one of my visits to Missouri,
} where everything is illegal. I can't remember much of it, but I'll
} try...
}
} I sing a song of Lisa fair!
} The girl with satin underwear.
} Her charms are clear for all to see
} But she only has eyes for me, Me, ME!
}
} Her ears belong to Jimmy Dean,
} A homeless shepherd guards her spleen,
} Osiris owns her milky thighs
} (Don't challenge him, it isn't wise)
} Her lips are claimed by Julia Child
} Her tits drive Zarathustra wild!
} The Seven Dwarves all claim her ass,
} Her clit is kept by Philip Glass,
} At each full moon she gives her cunt
} To Sweet Diana of the Hunt.
}
} And Mike Dukakis licks her toes
} As Reagan palms her tender nose
} And in the back is poor Dan Quayle
} Trying hard to find her tail!
}
} But don't think this my sex life wrecks,
} For I'm enthralled with eyeball sex!
} Eyebrows, eyelids, all for me!
} Those glossy orbs through which you see,
} My favorite part of low-born sluts,
} They're often served with gopher guts!
} I'm never jealous of Osiris
} 'Cause I've got rights to Lisa's iris!
} Nothing else could make me hornier
} Than just a glimpse of well formed cornea!
}
} (I leave you with this epithet:
}  Try to be happy with what you can get.)


142-06    (06422 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the first name of the cute girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, that question needs some interpretation...  Which cute girl do you
} mean?
}
} Being omniscient, I of course know that you mean the cute girl who's
} sitting three terminals away from you, playing xconq.  Also, I can tell
} you that knowing her first name is a great idea:  If you walk up to her
} within the next forty minutes and casually say `Hi, [ first name
} inserted ]', she'll start wondering where she's met you before.  This
} will preoccupy her mind to the extent that she won't even notice the
} big, hulky guy from the football team she'll meet in the corridor on her
} way out.  She'll continue thinking about you for the next two weeks, and
} she'll end up deeply in love with you.  Congratulations!
}
} If, however, you don't do this, she won't take notice of you and will
} instead fall in love with, marry and bear the eight children of the
} football guy in the corridor.
}
} So I can understand that you want to know her first name.  And of course
} I, the omniscient Oracle, knows it.
}
} But -
}
} since you omitted the usual grovelling at the beginning of your question
} (such as `Oh Oracle, whose boots I am not worthy to lick...'), and since
} you omitted a lot of relevant information, such as *which* cute girl of
} all the 734,987,666 cute girls in the world you meant, from your
} question (that cost me two CPU minutes to find out!  I really don't like
} smart-alecks like you that rely too heavily on my omniscience.  Let me
} state once and for all that *all* relevant *must* be given together with
} the question), you've managed to piss me off quite a bit.
}
} So, since you apparently feel that I, who really have more important
} things to do [Yes, Lisa, I'll be with you in a few minutes!] should
} spend my valuable time finding out things which you could have told me
} directly instead, I think I'll let you taste your own medicine.
}
} Here are the names of all the cute girls in the world (734,987,666 of
} them, to be exact).  The name you're looking for is among them.  You'll
} just have to find it.  Good luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle some more respect.
}
} ~r cute.girls.first.names
} =========  LIST OF CUTE GIRLS STARTS HERE =================
}
} Lisa, Alice, Jill, Hetty, Elaine, Caroline, Cathy, Helen, Helga, Anna,
} Gertrude, Elizabeth, Marie,
}
} [ The rest of this list has been edited out to save your disk quota. It
}   will be mailed to you as soon as you've persuaded the system admin-
}   istrators to give you 2 Gigabytes more quota.
}   What? They won't? Oh, but surely that's your problem, not mine. ]


142-07    (12452 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Inform  me, oh bloated bag of profundity, oh overflowing sewer of
> knowledge, oh bladder squiirting the fluid of enlightenment, what
> is the best way to roll up those little packets of catsup so that
> when someone steps on it, it will squirt in the proper direction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *** We're sorry, the Oracle is not in right now.  Here to take his
} place is the Auto-Oracle server program.  This is only a beta
} version, so it's running in debug mode.  Please report all bugs to
} the Oracle.
}   > Inform  me, oh bloated bag of profundity, oh overflowing sewer of
}   > knowledge, oh bladder squiirting the fluid of enlightenment, what
}   > is the best way to roll up those little packets of catsup so that
}   > when someone steps on it, it will squirt in the proper direction?
}
} %% 3 poorly constructed compliments found
} %% Compliment type: Thinly veiled derogatory
} %% Error: squiirting not found
} %% Spelling correction: squiirting -> squirting
} %% Catsup: Concept loading... done.
} %% Stepping: Concept loading... done.
} %% Inference: Packet of catsup, stepping on it... done.
} %% Squirt in proper direction: Loading concept... done.
} %% Inference: Proper direction will cause maximum embarassment
} %% Parsed question: How should a catsup packet be set up so someone
}                     stepping on it suffers maximum embarassment?
} %% Additional info: Murphy's law, practical jokes,
} %% Marijuana joint: Loading... smoking... stoned.
}
} Catsup packets are a manifestation of basic jape & Murphy's law.
} The catsup packet, when stepped on, will squirt in a lateral
} direction, depositing its contents on passersby.  The catsup will
} not land on the person stepping on it, but rather on other people.
} This may lead to fisticuffs but not really to embarassment.
}
} You owe yourself a spelling checker.


142-08    (12713 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise, and Genius Oracle:
> Could you please, please enlighten me to a most pressing question of
> this era.
>
> How could the Creator, in all his/her/it's infinite wisdom create
> Dick Vitale?  Is Vitale the anti-christ?  Is Vitale's purpose to
> dispel the myth that ugly people don't shatter cameras?  Is his
> purpose to make every basketball fan feel smarter than TV announcers?
> What's the deal here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heh, heh. This is kind of embarrassing. It seems that Dick Vitale is my
} fault.
}
} You see, a long time ago the Oracle would occasionally hold the
} Oracular Sweepstakes. Anyone who asked a question would automatically
} be entered, and the winner was allowed to be anything he wanted to be.
} Unfortunately, the winners failed miserably at their new jobs. Here are
} some examples of past winners:
}
} Winner                    What he/she wanted to be
} ------                    ------------------------
} Millard Fillmore          America's most beloved president
} Rob Lowe                  Teenage heartthrob (he got the "throb"
}                             right)
} Torquemada                Messenger of Christian love and
}                             understanding to the people of Spain
} Yoko Ono                  John Lennon's wife
} Bella Abzug               Sexiest congresswoman in U.S. history
} Dan Quayle                Coherent
} Marie Antoinette          A woman a few pounds lighter and a foot
}                             shorter
} George Burns              Dead
}
} As you can see, all of these people were utter failures at their new
} posts, and pressure was put on the Oracle to discontinue the
} Sweepstakes. When Dick "Mr. Uggo 1967" was the winner and elected to
} become a sportscaster, it was the last straw.
}
} Dick Vitale is not the anti-christ, he's just ugly and stupid. This is
} not to say that Old Scratch doesn't have his hand in sportscating. Oh,
} no! THE ANTI-CHRIST IS FERDIE^C


142-09    (12335 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the movie "I Love You to Death" worth seeing?  I heard from my school
> newspaper that it was funny but without substance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's really a matter of opinion, wouldn't you agree?  And since *I*
} can't think of anything to say, why don't we just run a few personality
} simulators, and find out what *they* think about it.
}
} % simulate -psiskel,ebert -m"I Love You to Death"
} loading: siskel (reviewer)
} loading: ebert (reviewer)
} loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie)
} running...
}
} Siskel: Our next film is a new release, titled "I Love You to Death".
}         This is the latest film from director Lawrence Kasdan, and
}         featuring the impressive talents of Kevin Kline, William Hurt
}         and Tracey Ullman.  Here's a clip in which the hero, Joey
}         Boca, played by Kline, is being chased by a would-be assailant,
}         played by Ullman.
}
}         [insert movie clip here]
}
}         Heh heh heh...that's a wonderful scene, and this is a wonderful
}         movie; it's extremely funny.  This sort of film is the reason
}         I'm a film critic.  I had a wonderful time, and I think you will
}         too.  A definite thumbs up!
}
} Ebert: Well, Gene, I have to agree with you that "I Love You to Death"
}        is funny, but I don't think that makes up for the film's apalling
}        lack of substance.  For example, in the
} ^C
}
} Okay, well, that simulation wasn't a particularly interesting one.
} Maybe another one would work out better.
}
} % simulate -pdebbie-gibson,nietzsche -m"I Love You to Death"
} loading: debbie-gibson (singer)
} loading: nietzsche (philosopher)
} loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie)
} running...
}
} Gibson:  Wow!  "I Love You to Death" is a terriffic movie!  I thought
}          it was, like, really *funny* and everything!  I think I'll
}          write a song about it!  While I do that, you want to talk or
}          anything, Nitzy?
}
} Nietzsche: Funny?  Perhaps.  But what does that mean in the face of the
}            endless void in which Mankind lives?  Cannot one expect
}            *substance* in a film?  Does not
} ^C
}
} *Sigh*.  That one wasn't working either.  Maybe I should take a
} different approach...
}
} % simulate -phelms,tipper -sdesert-island -m"I Love You to Death"
} loading: jesse-helms (senator)
} loading: tipper-gore (senator's wife)
} loading: "I Love You to Death" (movie)
} running...
}
} Helms: Way-ull, we-uh strayanded on uh desut ahlund, Miz Go-ah.
}
} Tipper: Yes, Mr. Helms, we are.  And alone, too.  Oh, my, look at that!
}         Something's washing up on the beach!  Why, it's a battery-
}         operated projector, and a film-case!  Oh how wonderful, I was
}         afraid we'd be bored!  Oh dear, but I hope the film isn't filled
}         with smut!
}
} Helms: It appeahs to be uh copuh of "Ah Luv Yuh tuh De-uth".  Pahayaps
}        we should hay-uve uh look at it...
}
}        [sets up projector]
}        [waits until dark]
}        [insert film here]
}
}        Way-ull.  Thayut was filthuh.  Ah'm puhsanalluh uhffended
}        that ouh puhblic watuhways wuh cayyin such fiyulth, an Ah'm
}        gonna see tuh it it dun't happin agin.
}
} Tipper: Oh Jesse, I've always loved you.  Take me.
}
} end of simulation.
}
}
} Well, there you have the opinions of the experts.  You can make your
} own choices about whether to see the film now.
}
} You owe the Oracle the possibility that simulation #3 might one
} day come true.


142-10    (04136 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who has more wholesomness than Wonder Bread, more tang than
> sourdough, more ethnicity than rye, more mystery than pumpernickel,
> more historical significance than Roman Meal, more class than Brick
> Oven thin-sliced, and so on, can you help me?  I am a songwriter who
> has been commissioned to re-interperet the following quotation from
> Karl Marx in song form:
>
>    "Feuerbach's greatest achievement is opposing to the negation of
>     the negation, which claims to be the absolute positive, the
>     self-supporting positive, positively grounded on itself."
>
> I assume it should be a reggae song, but I am open to suggestions.
> With all the humility of which my lowly being is capable, I
> respectfully seek from You, Oh Oracle, a few pointers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bread! Marxist philosophy! Song? Yeah! Uhhhh... blurble dinkle gidge
} plop goog dingy jnvhdgorhgoi j8 5 tqt3u354 mtcq3cva 3-5 ;yt5h398n0-
} ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;@###
}
} Host: Congratulations, Mortal! You have BLOWN OUT THE ORACLE!! Don,
}     tell this bonehead what he's won!
} Don: Sure thing, Bob! By killing the Oracle you have won THE UTTER
}     DESTRUCTION OF YOUR UNIVERSE! Yes, the Oracle was the only thing
}     holding it all together, so you can look forward to perishing in a
}     fiery inferno any day now!
} Steve Kinzler: Don't worry guys, it was just a simple overload. I'll
}     reboot him. See, he's up and running again!
} Host: Oh. Never mind!
}
} Heh. Had a slight...spell there. But I'm fine now! Let's see. You're
} right, reggae does fit! How's this:
}
} Red, Red Marx
} Overthrow meeeeeee
} Don't let me get too rich
} Before you revolt
}
} Red, Red Marx
} Where have you gone
} Have they forgotten you
} In east Europe's states
}
} I was gone, for a time
} To tend to my affairs
} I returned just to find
} Big Macs in Red Square
}
} Red, Red Marx
} Don't forget meeeee
} Your workers are calling you
} You're tearing apart
} Their red, red hearts
}
} [Let's toast!]
}
} Red, Red Marx you really strike some sparks,
} You keep me away from the capitalist sharks!
} Red, Red Marx you're good for a lark!
} There's fucking few things that rhyme with Marx!
}
} That's it. You'll have to take it from there.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Ben-Gay for the circuits you strained.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org