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Internet Oracularities #1420

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1420, 1420-01, 1420-02, 1420-03, 1420-04, 1420-05, 1420-06, 1420-07, 1420-08, 1420-09, 1420-10


Internet Oracularities #1420    (45 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2007 10:55:34 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1420
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1420  45 votes 339ka 15hg6 39gb6 1dcd6 27l78 0bdab 49bh4 68db7 25jd6 17fe8
1420  3.3 mean  3.7   3.5   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.5   3.2   3.1   3.4   3.5


1420-01    (339ka dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the huge fat girl sit on me? She must've weighed 300 pounds..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Ladies Room Toilet Seat,
}
} Do you not remember telling that genie you wanted
} to be permanently hard and have access to booty 24/7?
}
} Hmm?
}
} Sincerely,
} TIO


1420-02    (15hg6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I was briefly granted your immense wisdom, and intelligence, which
> is so big no pen could fit the numbers into the character sheet of a
> D+D game, what would my three wishes be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Instead of sitting around rolling dice with other geeky socially
}    awkward males, could I get a date this Saturday night?
}
} 2. Failing that, can my character get a date? With a female Dark Elf
}    clad in a +10 Tank Top of Form-Fittingness?
}
} 3. Failing that, can I just alter my character sheet to make it look
}    like my character had a date? Without the DM noticing? I need the
}    experience points.


1420-03    (39gb6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ##############
>           ---+-------
>           |..rrr....|
>           |..r@r....|
>           |..rrr....|
>           -----------
> r: We woodchucks have you now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why you lousy supplicant! I could teleport away but I just hate those
} pesky creatures.
} And you couldn't get far away, I am gonna *ZOT* you personally for
} drawing my temple so awfully!
}
} z /oP .
} Oracle turns into a toaster.
} z /oP .
} Toaster turns into a platypus.
} z /oP .
} Platypus turns into a fat french tavernkeeper.
} z /oP .
} Fat french tavernkeeper turns into an Amulet of Yendor.
} z /oP .
} Amulet of Yendor turns into Terry Gilliam.
} z /oP .
} Terry Gilliam turns into a woodchuck.
} Woodchuck swears.
} Woodchuck looks surprised.
} Woodchuck looks surprised.
} Woodchuck looks surprised.
} z /oP .
} Woodchuck turns into an army of termites.
} Army of termites exclaims "Muwahaha! How many chucks of woodchuck woody
} chuckeroo can an army of termites eat if army of termites could eat wood
} chucks. Wait a second, we CAN eat wood.".
} Army of termites consumes all the woodchucks in the area.
}
} You owe Army of termites.. we'll talk about it as I'll digest you.
} * begins polyselving for a gelatinous cube *


1420-04    (1dcd6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you be my friend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course! The Internet Oracle is a friend to all--without regard to
} race, creed, color, national origin, sexual orientation, age, mental
} illness, drug use, physical disability, professed religion, weight,
} actual religion, height, IQ, marital status, culinary preferences,
} political party, eyesight, unusual hobbies, anarchist leanings, voting
} history, criminal background, hairstyle, shoe size, professional
} society or terrorist watch list membership, ATM PIN, gun ownership,
} sleep disorders, UFO belief, knowledge of differential calculus,
} off-color passwords, whiskey of choice, favorite TV show, failure to
} yield, musical style, favorite TV brand, security clearance,
} metaphysical use of pyramids, crystals or vortices, piercings,
} tattoos, or other selmutilations, typing WPM, genetic mutations,
} spelling ability, alien abduction, fashion sense, paranormal
} abilities, basketball, hockey, sumo wrestling or curling, man or
} woman, friend or foe, left or right, young or old, Whig or Torrey, PC
} or Mac, blue or red, Clay or Ali, Game Cube or X-Box, football or
} soccer, East or West, hex or octal, Kiwanis or Rotary, missionary or
} doggy, baseball or cricket, grass or booze, fixed or proportional,
} satellite or cable, blood or crip, Dodgers or Giants, does she or
} doesn't she, animal, vegetable or mineral, azimuth, altitude,
} longitude, latitude, or attitude.
}
} In fact, the Oracle is so incredibly tolerant of all human diversity,
} there is only one thing that could ever prevent him from being your
} friend. What? You are?
}
} You owe the Oracle a restraining order.


1420-05    (27l78 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most studious, who did all his own stunts and wrote all his
> own term papers, for which he is praised by college students and movie
> directors alike..... not to mention still has pupils no matter how much
> coffee he drinks...
>
> I have been working very hard in school this semester.  At least once
> every week I have worked myself to emotional, physical, and mental
> exhaustion.  I want to know if my dedication and hard work will pay
> off.  Can you look a month into the future and see if I pass all of my
> classes this semester?
>
> Yours Sincerely,
> A studious mortal who no longer has pupils - or a social life.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I always thought it was very important to see things on all time
} scales at once. If you cherry-pick your time-scale you only get part
} of the story. What's so important about next month anyway? So, here
} are my predictions:
}
} In one day: You will still be studying. Your ceiling light fails. You
} don't have time to go buy a new bulb. You keep studying in the dark.
} Eye exhaustion means you have to increase your coffee intake.
}
} In one week: Your liver suffers catastrophic failure due to exhaustion
} and an inordinate amount of stimulants. You are taken to the hospital.
} You ask a friend to bring your textbooks to study on the hospital bed.
}
} In three weeks: You get out of the hospital. Exams are next week, you
} need to study twice as hard now, you've lost so much time!
}
} In a month: You pass your exams. You have a hard time with
} Differential Geometry, but you pull off a B-. You succeeded! You get
} your diploma.
}
} In a month and a day: You celebrate your success with your friends by
} drinking yourselves silly at the pub.
}
} In six weeks: You're still drinking. You had a lot of pressure to let
} off. Most of your friends are gone already, but the barmaid seems
} friendly enough.
}
} In 2 months: You get your first interview! Unfortunately, you get
} there drunk. Why didn't they ever tell you that you shouldn't do that
} at the university? All you do there is drink, study, drink, study, and
} suddenly you're supposed to know how to tie a tie?
}
} In 6 months: Another interview. The first thing the interwer says:
} "Eh! Aren't you that guy that Bill interviewed 4 months ago and who
} barfed on his new shoes?"
}
} In a year: Penniless and desperate, you accept a job as movie theater
} floor cleaner.
}
} In 5 years: You can't take it anymore. Your life is meaningless. You
} don't care if you're going to eat ramen everyday, you have to go back
} to school.
}
} In 10 years! Hurray! Another degree! And this time, you already got a
} job!
}
} In 10 years and a day: You go drinking to celebrate your new job.
} Alone.
}
} In 10 years and a week: Your employer sends a "You're fired" note to
} the hospital. The nurse keeps it until you get out of ethylic coma.
}
} In eleven years: McDonald's.
}
} In 40 years: No! This won't be! I may be 60 already, but Goddam it I'm
} going to do something with my life!
}
} In 41 years: After saving almost your whole salary for a year (1M$,
} but you know, with the inflation it's not much....), you go back to
} school one last time. You choose a degree at random: Sexology.
}
} In 41 years and 1 month: You finally figure out what sex is. You can't
} believe you've been all these years without it.
}
} In 41 years and two months: On your first laboratory class, you find
} out that your plumbing doesn't work anymore at your age. You go to the
} pub.
}
} My advice? Start drinking earlier.
}
} You owe the Oracle the solution to the drunken walker problem.


1420-06    (0bdab dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you're so smart, what will I get for my next birthday?  Hurry, as
> it's less than two months away!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you sure you will have a next birthday?


1420-07    (49bh4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ..and so, the worst enemies of the Internet Oracle cornered the Oracle.
>
> The Terminator was to the left of him, brandishing a chain gun.
>
> Strongbad was to the right of him, with a +4 Rod of Spamming,
>
> And in front of him, in a cruel, cruel irony, was the Woodchuck Queen,
> holding the Staff of Zot.
>
> With Zadoc on vacation, and Lisa incapacitated, and the Oracle's energy
> drained, he now has no hope defeating his enimeis.
>
> Oh, did I mention they are all wearing blessed +6 rustproof curseproof
> demonproof corrodeproof rotproof zotproof silver dragon scale mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You did not mention that.  No matter, the Oracle knew anyway.
} The Oracle always knows.
}
} And the Oracle even knows the solution to this problem.  How exactly
} could I even be considered omniscient if I didn't know the solution to
} this problem *before* I had gotten myself into it?  I knew aforehand
} that I own all three suits of... [pauses to re-read the e-mail]
} rustproof curseproof demonproof rotproof zotproof silver dragon
} scale mail (Phew!) and filled them with the deadly Cordilla virus,
} manufactured by the enemies of Jack Bauer.  It should be kicking
} it about...  [counts on his digital watch]  5...4...3......Now!  Ha!
} Watch them all suffer!  Hahahaha!  None can defeat the eternal Oracle!
} Waahaa!
}
} Moral of the (very short) story: never underestimate the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of a holy book that was saved more than
} 2,400 years before it was threatened.
}
} So there.


1420-08    (68db7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fluffy but quite ponderous Oracle, you are actually a serious source of
> information in spite of occasional apearances to the contrary. I think
> you enjoy dressing as an idiot just to confuse, mystify and unenlighten
> your supplicants.
>
> Would there be any other reason for your latest outburst of inane,
> purile, and disgusting expletives in response to my serious question
> about the ultimate purpose of mankind and their religions, and in
> particular the so-called problem of evil? Maybe I didn't ask it right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you certainly didn't ask it right.
}
} I'm omniscient, but you're not; sometimes your memory is so faulty that
} you don't even remember what you wrote the day before. Let's recap,
} shall we?
}
} You originally wrote:
} > D00D! U R 50 K3WL!
} > WHA22UP W1TH TH3 WH0LE 0RACUL TH1NG NE WAY?
}
} I replied:
} } This is explained in the FAQ. To read it, send mail to
} } oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line.
} } You owe it to the Oracle to do this.
}
} You wrote back:
} > I get it now. Sorry about before; I thought this was a place for
} > hackers.
} > So I can send in questions about anything at all, and you'll answer
} > them. You're some kind of cult leader, right? How do I get in on
} > that?
}
} I replied:
} } No, I am not a cult leader. I am the Internet Oracle, the ultimate
} } source of infinite knowledge. You ask a question (with a suitable
} } grovel - please read that FAQ again) and I answer it.
} } You owe it to the Oracle to read the FAQ again.
}
} You wrote back:
} > Oh ho, so you're not a cult leader, huh? Then why do you call
} > yourself "the Internet Oracle" and ask all of those people to bow
} > down to you? Hey, I saw a press release with your name (Charles E.
} > Phillips) and your picture in front of the Oracle building. What was
} > wrong with your hair that day? And you were wearing an ugly tan tie
} > that clashed with your ugly grey coat. Why do you dress that way?
}
} I replied:
} } No, you're getting me confused with the Oracle database company. I am
} } not affiliated with them in any way - I am the Internet Oracle. The
} } FAQ explains how I came into being; notice that it doesn't say
} } anything about databases. For what it's worth, I never wear a tie or
} } a coat - I dress in robes everyday, not because I have anything to do
} } with a cult, but just because it's more comfortable. And I don't work
} } in an office building; I live in the Oracular Temple on the campus of
} } Indiana University.
} } You owe it to the Oracle to read the FAQ yet again! Really read it
} } this time!
}
} You wrote back:
} > Silly moronic Oracle, fine - maybe you're not Charles Phillips, but
} > you're still a freaking weirdo! I can tell from your picture that you
} > do drugs every day, probably in the back of your little Oracle Cave
} > where nobody can see you. I bet you steal from the rich and keep it
} > all for yourself! Why can't you get a real job? Why can't we all just
} > get along? Why are you so evil?
} > Your religion is nothing but an excuse to screw people all day long -
} > first in the wallet, then in the ass! Why can't you get a real job,
} > you moocher?
}
} I replied:
} } You have NEVER seen my picture! It isn't published ANYWHERE! You
} } should hire someone to read the FAQ and then explain it to you! But
} } you won't, will you? No matter what I write, you keep insisting that
} } I do things that I don't do! I don't have anything to do with any
} } sort of religion! I only "screw" one person - and she wants me to
} } keep doing it! I don't take money - I usually request a tribute when
} } I've given an answer, but honestly I rarely get it, and when I do
} } it's entirely voluntary and heavily taxed!
} } The Internet Oracle never stoops to insults - but you are literally a
} } moron, and so you're just NOT going to GET IT! So why don't you quit
} } trying?
} } You owe it to the Oracle to quit trying!
}
} You wrote back:
} > Obnoxious Oracle: Aha! I knew it! You have to stoop to insults and
} > profanity! I ask a serious question about mankind and evil, and
} > instead of answering it you start calling me names and stoop to
} > expletives!
}
} I replied:
} } You moron - read the FAQ again! Or any of my previous answers to you!
} } You owe it to the Oracle to quit trying!
}
} And then you wrote this latest question.
}
} For the first time in the history of the Oracle, I respond by asking
} YOU a question: What do you want from me?
}
} You owe the Oracle the answer to that question - or else to quit
} trying!


1420-09    (25jd6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come my internal brain processor can make very realistic looking
> girl in dream who laughs and even plays around with me but when try to
> feel her it feels like the force field is missing? That force field is
> very iffy, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes 50/50,
> and even if it does it feels more like going through the motions of
> showing resistance in the right places rather than being real (more
> like a statue)
>
> At least the saftey features are still working, dog bites are muted
> before simulated skin-puncturing pressures are reached.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, your internal brain processor must be running Windows Vista.
}
} You can see the girl fine because your graphic imagination supports
} Vista's Aero interface. You don't need to upgrade until more DirectX 10
} compatible dreams come out.
}
} She even laughs and plays around with you, you say? Well, that's just
} Vista rearranging the controls from how they used to be in XP.
}
} You need administrator privileges to touch her however. Vista's
} so-called "user account control" features require you to click through
} several dialogs just to delete a file. Guess how much harder it is to
} reach out and touch someone! It works sometimes because you don't
} always try to touch in an administrator-only area.
}
} Glad to see you haven't removed the safety features. Be aware that
} Windows' native safety features only cover the basics. You still should
} install an antivirus soon. It'd be a shame if a virus infected your
} internal brain processor and deleted your marbles, er, system files.
}
} You owe the Oracle an OEM version.


1420-10    (17fe8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I submit the same question thrice?  Will I get different answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sad fact is you most likely won't get any answer at
} all.
}
} Sit down.
}
} It's time we had a talk.
}
} The Oracle is, well, he is missing. There I said it, and
} I feel all the better for it.
}
} You see it started out slowly, Orrie became a tad more
} withdrawn. Ordered all his clothes from Amizone.com.
} And his food. And more than a few books. And some weird
} DVDs. Lisa went back to live with her mum. Og got
} arrested in Mexico and when we tried to bail him out he
} insisted on staying there "Safe Here Og Stay". And
} then Kendai joined a non-cult and began wearing a tie.
} A Garfield the Cat cartoon tie.
}
} No one gave the gardener directions anymore and he
} took to cutting disturbing images into the shrubbery.
}
} A way too large dark bird would circle the temple each
} night at the stroke of midnight, well, until they changed
} the time in Indiana a few weeks early this year -- then
} for a night or two it showed up around 1:00am sometimes &
} at 11:00pm at other times. Then it just up and disappeared.
}
} The Oracle wouldn't explain any of this. Zadoc muttered
} obtuse hints about moving the whole operation to Medellin
} come fall. And all the while no one has actually seen
} The Oracle in a week of Tuesdays.
}
} Then again it could have to do with some priests just
} deleting every Oracle answer/question pair that hits
} their mailbox rather reading them, or better yet than
} retiring and finally admitting that they don't give a
} rat's anymore. This makes people frustrated as they
} write and write and write stuff, but no digests ever
} appear anymore. Quality Control they say. Got to keep
} a stiff upper hip they say.
}
} I personally think it has something to do with that
} big ol' creepy bird. It'll be back. Mark my words.


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