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Internet Oracularities #1421

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1421, 1421-01, 1421-02, 1421-03, 1421-04, 1421-05, 1421-06, 1421-07, 1421-08, 1421-09, 1421-10


Internet Oracularities #1421    (42 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 06 May 2007 20:50:45 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1421
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1421  42 votes 28gc4 6ada3 2abd6 3aeb4 28n81 389e8 27cf6 4jc52 09bbb 25dca
1421  3.2 mean  3.2   2.9   3.3   3.1   3.0   3.4   3.4   2.6   3.6   3.5


1421-01    (28gc4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You mean you had to move a clutch every time you used a stick-shift??
> No way! That's too many things to do!!!
>
> (Supplicant is adjusting music volume with his left hand, typing with
> the right, watching TV, reading a blog, crossing his arms, playing
> footsies with his slippers, and chewing gum)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The coolest thing about driving a manual transmission
} car is that they have the lowest rate of car jackings,
} seems car jackers have no idea how to drive a stick!
} They're all city boys whose mechanical knowledge is
} limited to turn their hats around backwards.
}
} Now car thieves are a different matter, they know
} HOW to drive a stick shift, but it seems no one that
} buys hot cars wants anything but an automatic.
}
} You owe the Oracle four on the floor.


1421-02    (6ada3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> When will Dad snap out of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd tell you, but it's only depressing.  You know, you really shouldn't
} have scared him like that.  Not everone enjoys hearing about that
} sort of thing.  Especially not on a Sunday.
}
} You owe your dad a rest home.  The Oracle, however, pities you,
} and charges you nothing.


1421-03    (2abd6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The hull's breached! We've been hit by a torpedo! Someone is playing
> Silver Submarine! Reactor Tech is making moonshine!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > start
}
} The hull's been breached!
}
} > fix hull
}
} Nice try, smart guy.
}
} > yell hull's broken
}
} You yell as non-grammatically as possible, "hull's broken"
}
} > n
}
} You see a giant hole in the ship caused by a torpedo.
}
} > fix hole
}
} You hear Silver Submarine from Kirby Canvas Curse.
}
} > fix hole
}
} You hear Silver Submarine from Kirby Canvas Curse reversed.
}
} > fix hole
}
} You start to drown.
}
} > not drown
}
} You start to drown.
}
} > n
}
} You swim/drown north.
}
} {Intercom Transmission} Reactor Tech: *hic*
} {Intercom Transmission} Steering: The hull is now a swimming pool.
} {Intercom Transmission} Reactor Tech: *hic* *hic*
}
} > radio Reactor Tech, stop making moonshine with the engine fuel.
}
} {Intercom Transmission} Captain: Reactor Tech, stop making moonshine
} with the engine fuel.
} {Intercom Transmission} Reactor Tech: *hic*
}
} The water is now up to your neck.
}
} > n
}
} Access Denied
}
} > kick door
}
} The door explodes in your face.
}
} > n
}
} Access Denied
}
} > zot door
}
} The door disintegrates.
}
} > n
}
} Access Denied
}
} The water is up to your nose.
}
} > zot water
}
} BZZZZZZZT!
}
} You die.
}
} > restart
}
} The hull's been breached!
}
} > run like hell
}
} You run like hell. Then the wall explodes in your face.
}
} You die.
}
} > restart
}
} BOOM!
}
} You die.
}
} > quit
}
} Sissy.
}
} You owe the Oracle the patch to add S.C.U.B.A. gear to this game.


1421-04    (3aeb4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0038_01C78606.5F2ED920
> Content-Type: text/plain;
> charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0038_01C78606.5F2ED920
> Content-Type: text/html;
> charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
> <HTML><HEAD>
> <META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; =
> charset=3Diso-8859-1">
> <META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.2800.1589" name=3DGENERATOR>
> <STYLE></STYLE>
> </HEAD>
> <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
> <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0038_01C78606.5F2ED920--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc!  Hey--
}
} ] Yes Your Excellency, who can decipher so many--
}
} Yes, enough of that.  Tell me, how did you get here so fast?
}
} ] I was in the room next door, you who knew that before I started
} ] speaking!
}
} Of course, I was just testing you.  Tell me, what do you make of this
} "multi-part MIME message"?
}
} ] Oh Great One, I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
}
} Hoi.  Zadoc, we both know that this note is in code; can you tell me
} what it is, DEcoded?
}
} ] Yes Great Master.  Um...uh...well, I really don't see anything
} ] there....
}
} Well, duh, that's because there IS nothing there!  Someone merely
} came up with a new and creative way to ask the null question.  What do
} you make of that?
}
} ] I am speechless, Oh Great One!
}
} I can tell that.  You haven't grovelled once since I interrupted your
} first attempt.
}
} ] Yes! and wise you are for doing so, Master of a Thousand--
}
} Enough.  Tell me, Zadoc.  What should be done about this?
}
} ] Done, Your Excellency...?
}
} Yes, Zadoc.  Tell me!
}
} ] Uh, Log of one, Sire?
}
} Huh?
}
} ] Sine of pi?
}
} What are you talking about?
}
} ] One minus two halves!  The limit of e^x as x goes to minus infinity!
} ] The number of Supplicants who properly grovelled on June 4, 1982!
}
} Oh go away.  Supplicant, you owe the Oracle a comprehensive history
} on the concept of zero, and I want it IMMEDIATELY!
}
} ] Uh, Master?  You know that doesn't give the Su--
}
} Just go away.  I'm tired for one night.
}
} ] Yes Master.  (Psst.  The only number that cannot--)
}
} I HEARD THAT!!
}
} ] Sheesh.  (Exit.)
}
} Good riddance.


1421-05    (28n81 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle, to whom Strongbad is but a tiny pebble to your mountain of
> awesomeness!
>
> What would happen if you and Thor switched places for a week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracularities would feature a lot of ZOTing, so that much
} would remain the same. And being the Oracle, I'd excel at Thor's job -
} that guy who insulted his wife yet survived over twenty lightning
} strikes would need to go underground to have any chance of survival,
} as *I* would only need once. But there the similarities would end.
}
} You see - please don't tell Thor I said this (but I know you won't or
} I wouldn't tell you) he's not terribly bright. You are aware of the
} inversely proportional ratio of strength to intelligence? Don't play
} dumb, I've lived every second of your life in all possible ways it can
} be lived! I know what you know and don't know!
}
} Well, you'll also be aware that I have priests to worship me and carry
} me from place to place, and a lightweight Staff of Zot in place of a
} strong right arm. (The only physical exertion *I* engage in is with
} Lisa!) Thor, on the other hand, is a blacksmith with very strong arms.
} Mjollnir is heavy. Making armour for the gods is hard work.
}
} So at best you could expect Leet Speak. At worst the oracularities
} would consist of the kinds of discards we normally reject out of hand
} - even Zadoc would do a better job!
}
} Normally there's a rib-tickler in here but in all honesty it would
} just be a sad, terrible batch of Oracularities best forgotten. It
} would be a disaster!
}
} -----
} You owe the Oracle an excuse for not noticing Zeus watching over your
} shoulder, incarnated as a midge. You also owe the Oracle a safe place
} to hide, and an excuse to placate Thor (those two stick together like
} mud). Be quick, if I have to sort this out myself I'll have to ZOT
} you...


1421-06    (389e8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All bow before The Wise Oracle who is willing to admit that he may
> not always be right, but that he is never wrong.
>
> Should I dress up for picture day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That would be preferable to the alternative.  Man, I couldn't open my
} yearbook for a month!  [Shudders.]
}
} You owe yourself a little respect!


1421-07    (27cf6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Say, Orrie, you remember that one time my cousin gave you the finger,
> and you removed it and claimed it as payment?  Well he finds it very
> difficult to type, so I was wondering if he could have it back, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here. I'll type it for you. Just a sec. OK, it's
} AB negative.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of black Kevlar gloves.


1421-08    (4jc52 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now bring me prisoner two-four-six-oh-one!
> Your time is up and your paROLE's begun!
> You know what that means?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, but people trying to make an obscure reference and failing make
} me miserable, Les.


1421-09    (09bbb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The purple boomerang crawls over the red-brick wall at dusk.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FRIENDS! Have you ever longed for the days of the good ol' ARPAnet,
} before the Endless September and the amorphous blob of self-indulgent
} blogs that we call today's Internet? Do you still yearn to download
} warez via uucp at a blazing 9600 bps? Sure you do! And you can get it
} all from ARPAnet ][!
}
} "But wait!" I hear you cry. "I still need my Google!"
}
} Yes, search is a bit of a problem on ARPAnet ][ because of its
} retro-military background. Fortunately, declassified Russian computer
} technology from 1980 brings today's Google to yesterday's ARPAnet:
} RuskySearch.  RuskySearch combines the user-friendly Infocom text
} parser with the power of Archie.
}
} "Great! How do I get a copy?"
}
} Simply go to the nearest ill-lit underground parking garage or
} trash-strewn back alley and look for the shady character with the big
} floppy hat and oversize trenchcoat. Side up to him and say,
}
} "The purple boomerang crawls over the red-brick wall at dusk."
}
} He will respond with,
}
} "The mortgage company is located in Columbus, Ohio."
}
} and hand you an envelope containing one 5-1/2" disk. It's that easy!
}
} You owe the Oracle a cracked copy of RuskySearch.


1421-10    (25dca dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracular One,
>
> Do you think the reason geeky guys want to get with air girls is
> because the geeky girls are far too intelligent for them?
>
> Love,
> Geek Girl

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Air girls, like air guitars are so easily mastered
} in the privacy of one's room, alone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to Finland.


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