[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:26:49 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1422

Goto:
1422, 1422-01, 1422-02, 1422-03, 1422-04, 1422-05, 1422-06, 1422-07, 1422-08, 1422-09, 1422-10


Internet Oracularities #1422    (47 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 11:01:18 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1422
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1422  47 votes 3fba8 388j9 9af94 5bge1 77kb2 35kc7 29ia8 4bd9a 77jb3 54dcd
1422  3.1 mean  3.1   3.5   2.8   2.9   2.9   3.3   3.3   3.2   2.9   3.5


1422-01    (3fba8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dictionary tastes like paper

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eat a thesaurus next. They've got more flavor.


1422-02    (388j9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle,
>
> Where does this cave go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Caves don't go anywhere!  Man, now wouldn't that be an unpleasant
} experience, to be in a cave and have it get up and walk away?


1422-03    (9af94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I thought we've technologically advanced beyond having an
> Italian Mafia. This is old school 20th century rubbish. Why do we still
> have them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know what you mean. Like, for instance, the Catholic Church has a
} German pope instead of the usual Italian one. So you're betting it's
} time for a German mafia. Well, I've got news for you. They tried that.
} It was called the Nazis. It didn't work.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plan for avoiding any suggestion of a Polish
} mafia.


1422-04    (5bge1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Place.  order x*nax  order x*nax Order  order x*nax Instead of our
>  current volunteer  order x*nax were treated 100% guaranteed to work for
>  you - We\'ve seen  order x*nax at all
>  <a href=http://****************** >order x*nax</a>
>  [url=http://******************]order x*nax[/url] http://***************
>
>  Your  buy x*nax t*stes on Course  buy x*nax  buy x*nax If  buy x*nax
>  You Want  buy x*nax to Get C*m Increase, This is advisable because told
>  me to wait 5
>  <a href=http://**************** >buy x*nax</a>
>  [url=http://****************]buy x*nax[/url] http://****************
>
>  Drive, hence  order x*nax  order x*nax its while there  order x*nax is
>  a European device, which to thank you and  order x*nax gain immediate i
>  ntuition.  order x*nax one or all
>  <a href=http://****************** >order x*nax</a>
>  [url=http://******************]order x*nax[/url] http://***************
>
>  Plastic and  buy x*nax silicone  buy x*nax holder is fastened  buy
>  x*nax buy x*nax around the pubic bone. or diseases allows the that whil
>  e there is buy x*nax a success
>  <a href=http://**************** >buy x*nax</a>
>  [url=http://****************]buy x*nax[/url] http://****************

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc! Come quickly! Remember that science fair project that we got as
} tribute last week? It seems to have exploded. Please clean up the mess.


1422-05    (77kb2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I have anything better to do then pester you with
> superficially-profound-but-ultimately-inane questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. Ask away.
}
}
}
}
}
} [sigh]


1422-06    (35kc7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> BINK BINK BINK BINK BINK
>
> The binking indicator shows that you have a Super-Important message
> from the world's must humble and grovelling supplicant.
>
> I have especially hand-coded a binker into your display to get your
> undivided attention.
>
> Do not ignore this message!
>
> What's the best way for me to meet girls without cluing them in that
> I'm really rather stupid and badly bathed? I mean, no matter how much
> I wash, they sort of move away from my like I was a goat or a polecat.
>
> Maybe if I met them over the Internet. Could you suggest a website or
> something, where I could be sure they weren't a trained elephant, but
> they at least couldn't smell me until they had fallen for my charms?
>
> Oh, and what do you think they might find charming about me? Besides
> being a good embedded RT coder, I'm damn super at tensor calculus and
> statistics, and I speak Harrapan and Etruscan like a native. But I get
> the feeling that's not quite the ticket to romance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Binky,
}
} Don't be ridiculous. Any girl who doesn't fall for tensor calculus and
} Etruscan isn't a girl you want to know - trust the almighty Oracle who
} knows all. And polecats are frankly adorable - who doesn't love fluffy
} little stoat analogues? And you can make coats out of them! What's not
} to like?
}
} You just aren't hanging around the right places, that's all. There's a
} girl out there for you, but she's sitting at home wondering what kind
} of man could ever love a woman who only gets hot for tensors. Of
} course, it is immediately obvious that if both of you sit at home
} forever, nothing will ever happen (see the lost-in-the-supermarket
} problem) so the solution is to start raiding houses. (Intermediate
} steps are left as an exercise for the reader.)
}
} And what, precisely, do you have against trained elephants?
}
} Signed,
} The Oracle
} [incarnated as The Amazing Nellie]


1422-07    (29ia8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dang it, Orrie!  Why didn't you stop me from doing something stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The all-knowing "Protecting Humans From Themselves Agency" was
} canceled in 6006 B.C. due to excessive workload.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reenstatement of the universe's
} torture-preventing Safety Lockouts


1422-08    (4bd9a dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would happen if I drank a mixture of sweet sweet Mylanta in a bid
> to gain immortality?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle amanuensed from his gigantic vats of knowledge:
}
} And what, pray tell, shalt thou do with immortality? I look upon my
} surroundings and find a pantheon of gods suited to do one thing, which
} is so exciting that they may easily forsee doing it ever after. Thor is
} just so simple-minded as to be amused with the throwing of hammers and
} such, and hence finds happiness in the eternity. When thy heartburn of
} life is extinguished for the gushing stomach of immortality, what will
} your brain do? If it has no need to fuel its fire with fattening,
} greasy foods of all kinds, then surely it will rebel in the fleshy
} carton it carries itself around in. Then the zotting must start.
}
} And how long will this immortality last? Extinguished artificially, the
} heartburn of life will not be content in its station in life. It wishes
} to live again: to burn, or not to burn? To surely burn. Yes! To burn or
} not to burn?
}
} To burn or not to burn: that is the question:
} Whether 'tis more contenting in the intestines to suffer
} The gas and pain of greasy pizza,
} Or to take Mylanta against a sea of grease,
} And by swallowing emulsate them? To burn: to live;
} Yet more; and by burning to say we end
} The heart-burn and the thousand natural burps
} That guts are heir to, 'tis a consummation
} Devoutly to be wish'd. To burn, to live;
} To live: perchance to answer questions: ay, there's the runs;
} For in that life of burning what questions may come
} When we have ascended the cliffs of Olympia,
} Must give us pause: there's the respect
} That makes calamity of so much gas;
} For who would bear the indigestion of time,
} The cold pizza, the proud man's costuming,
} The fangs of despised fat, the stomach's delay,
} The insolence of the gut and the urns
} That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
} When he himself might his quiet make
} With a bared Mylanta? Who would indigestion bear,
} To grunt and sweat under a weary run,
} But that the dread of something after burn,
} The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
} No traveller returns, puzzles the gut
} And makes us rather bear the indigestion we have
} Than fly to others that we know not ot?
} Thus Mylanta does make cowards of us all;
} And thus the native hue of a face emeting
} Is sicklied o'er with the brown cast of thought,
} And enterprises of great pitch and moment
} With this regard their merits lose appeal,
} And lose the name of action. Soft you now!
} The fair Lisa! Nymph, in thy orisons
} Be all my guts remember'd.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Mylanta that you were going to drink.


1422-09    (77jb3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, Your site is great. Regards, Valintino Guxxi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you. It's the finest web design Guatemalan child laborers can
} produce with a twenty-hour work day.


1422-10    (54dcd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ocean of blood

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.No.No. That will scare her, think more along the lines of
} "the delicate red rose of puberty", or "the first faint blush
} of womanhood".
}
} You owe the Oracle a lunar calendar.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org