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Internet Oracularities #1423

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Internet Oracularities #1423    (42 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:07:19 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1423
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1423  42 votes 7abb3 25eba 0c8e8 1caf4 12iba 27acb 07bea 79g82 2a7g7 39da7
1423  3.3 mean  2.8   3.5   3.4   3.2   3.6   3.5   3.6   2.7   3.4   3.2


1423-01    (7abb3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I sell something that's not mine, that only I rented for a day,
> and then the owner wants it back, so I begrudgingly give him the money,
> have I done any benefit to myself?
>
> How do I make an almost no-risk profit from this? Is this ethical?
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, one thing's for sure!
}
} You'll never get to borrow any of my stuff again!


1423-02    (25eba dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Almighty Depository of the Universe,
>
> what is it with Emos, really?
> Nothing against but, I just don't get them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a small typo there, I think you mean Emus. The Emu is a
} flightless animal that can be up to 2m tall. They live all over
} Australia. Although they originated on the East Coast, they are
} uncommon there nowadays. They are opportunistically nomadic, and
} although they can be observed in flocks, they are largely solitary. In
} general, there is no need for you to "get them". They do what they do,
} and all they want is for you to leave them some space so that they can
} do what they do alone. You should not feel threatened by them, if you
} don't attack them, they will just ignore you. Of course, if you start
} behaving in a way they don't understand, they will feel threatened,
} and even though your aims are noble, they are likely to attack you.
} The best thing to do is to minimize contact.
}
} Oh, unless you mean Emos, the american teen subculture? Same thing,
} except replace Australia by North America.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete taxonomy of human cultures, and a
} 5000-words essay on whether geeks should be classified as a species or
} a sub-family.


1423-03    (0c8e8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's 2 p.m. Walking down deserted farmland that would soon become 5th
> Avenue, you've suddenly been zapped 150 years into the future.. Into
> Midtown Manhattan.. 2007. Every technology you've ever known is not
> used anymore. The way the world is now is like an alien dream. The
> culture shock is enormous. Plus no one will take your money anymore.
> You do NOT know how to use a computer. Welcome.. to the Twilight Zone.
>
> What kind of jobs could a suddenly transported 19th century dude do to
> survive? He needs to eat food.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CTO of a Fortune 500 company. I've never known one who was familiar
} with 20th-century technology.
}
} You owe the Oracle a time machine.


1423-04    (1caf4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You're wrong about the duplicate question thing, you know.  I received
> FIVE copies of the same question, and THREE copies of another question,
> answered them all, and ONE of those three got PUBLISHED in the DIGESTS.
> So there, hard work DOES pay off.
>
> Any arguments, eh???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you fail to take into account is that where there are duplicate
} questions there are duplicate answers. The one that got digested wasn't
} yours, it just had precisely the same text.
}
} Let that settle in, and then tell me about your hard work.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, he's already taken what he wanted.


1423-05    (12iba dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You, I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     **************************************************
}       So You want to be an Incarnation Etiquette Quiz
}     **************************************************
}
} 1) How would reply to a corny email texted to you at a
}     formal dinner?
}
} a) Carefully peck out an answer with one hand on to your
}     cellphone on your lap, under a napkin, under the table.
} b) Delete it and concentrate on the dinner
} c) Zot!
} d) Butter up the hostess with flattery, run to the next
}     room with an excuse about explosive diarrhea and type
}     out a witty award winning idea.
}
}                      =============
}
} 2) A female is approaching the door of the local Star**cks,
}     you must get in before her to grab the last table with
}     decent wireless access. What do you do?
}
} a) Politely tell her it looks like she has sat on a
}     latte grande and has a huge stain on her rear. When
}     she retreats to the ladies room to check it out
}     discreetly take the table.
} b) Star**cks!? Rhymes with w..dch..ks, I'm no poser, I'd
}     never go there
} c) I can't afford to go to Star**cks.
} d) Buy her the drink of her choice and share the table.
}
}                      =============
}
} 3) You receive a null question on your laptop while you're
}     in an important meeting. What do you do?
}
} a) PowerPoint it up on the screen, pretend it's part of
}     the presentation.
} b) Blind carbon copy it to everyone in the room
} c) Zot it!
} d) Never see the message as you have .procmail filter
}     out null messages and Yahoo!! .sigs
}
}                      =============
}
} 4) There are unusual unprintable characters in a question
}     you field. What do you do?
}
} a) Discreetly ask your neighbor what they are.
} b) Cut and paste the characters back into the answer
}     in an ascii pattern of your own design that is at
}     once mesmerizing and will-sapping.
} c) Zot it!
} d) Ignore the questionable characters and answer as best
}     you can.
}
}                      =============
}
} 5) Why are short answers better to take than large ones?
}
} a) It is better for the digestion.
} b) So that you can respond in a timely fashion.
} c) So here is less chance you use some tired old cliche
}     format that will bore the regulars to tears.
} d) All of the above.
}
}                      =============
}
} Scoring:
}
} If you took the time to write down on paper the answers
} you gave to each answer you are too wedded to the past
} to be an incarnation of note. Other that that, whatever,
} join the crew. Have fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle Manet's "Chez Tortoni".


1423-06    (27acb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, you are so multilingual. You speak Ancient Greek (so you can
> talk to the Oracle at Delphi), Attic Greek (so you can talk to my
> crazy Aunt Del who lives in the attic) and Modern Geek (so you can
> talk to modern geeks). Sometimes you know French, German or even
> Japanese.
>
> I was thinking of learning a language. How about Latin? Would I like
> it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Da, ich suis sure thou wouldst liebe Latin. Sin embargo, sois prepared
} to lavorare mucho hard; Latin bin ein notoriously difficile glossa,
} what avec die declinations e whatnot. You pourrais actually haben un
} plus fa'cil tijd learning /"*@@*))) ():/\/\/\ Perl ||&&||.


1423-07    (07bea dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Dulcolax candy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Candy is anything that is fun to give to American children at
} halloween.  So yes, Dulcolax is candy.


1423-08    (79g82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't you get rid of the viagra spammer? He thinks that
> sending you the Oracle viagra spam as a "tell me" is good
> for his fake viagra business. What an idjit. Zot him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Honestly, you don't know how many times I've tried, Mister Supplicant.
} But every time I try, he multiplies like the hydra from the myth of
} Heracles.  The Oracle clearly needs a better filter.
}
} You owe me nothing.  You have already given the Oracle a sense of
} satisfaction to know there are still sane people in the world.
}
} Or so I think.


1423-09    (2a7g7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Humm, what's that in your packsack? I'll need to have a look. Please
> get out of the car.
>
> SIR, I said PLEASE GET OUT OF THE CAR.
>
> Please step aside and put your hands on the hood.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc: It can't possibly work - he's omniscient.
}
} Brenda the Maid: It can work, because he's asleep. The little pervert
}    didn't know about the plan before he fell asleep, because there
}    was no plan yet. When he wakes up it will be too late.
}
} Zadoc: Are you sure you really want to go through with this? It's
}    kind of mean, isn't it?
}
} Brenda: It isn't any meaner than he treats me. Lisa gets anything she
}    wants - jewelry, cars, clothes - as if she's some kind of Sex
}    Goddess. But meanwhile I -
}
} Zadoc: Lisa IS a sex goddess!
}
} Brenda: But meanwhile I walk around in my little "French Maid"
}    costume all day long, and he doesn't even kiss me goodnight!
}
} Zadoc: The Temple of Oracle is a public place with thousands of
}    visitors every day - is it unreasonable to ask the maids to wear a
}    uniform?
}
} Brenda: I keep telling you, I'm not a maid, I'm a sex toy. Read my
}    contract sometime - it doesn't matter if I get things clean or
}    not, so long as I'm standing around whenever Oracle wants to peek
}    at me. And have you looked at this so-called "uniform?" Even if
}    the fabric wasn't so short, it's practically see-through anyway.
}    And have you noticed that my bathroom window faces the dining
}    room, and whenever my shower is running, my blinds turn
}    transparent?
}
} Zadoc: Fine. But why don't you just tell Orrie that you want more? If
}    he enjoys looking at you, he's sure to give you more.
}
} Brenda: I tried that. He never listens. "I'm omniscient! I know you
}    would never leave me!" Well, I'm going to prove him wrong. I'm
}    going to leave him - but first, I want to give him a taste of his
}    own medicine.
}
} Zadoc: I can understand that - but I don't think I should be part of
}    it. Like you said, he's omniscient - when he wakes up, he's going
}    to know if I helped you or not. I don't want another Zot!
}
} Brenda: Would this help? [Hands him a large wad of cash]
}
} Zadoc: What would you like me to do?
}
} Brenda: It's simple. I'm going to put all of my clothes into this
}    packsack, and then gag myself and handcuff myself to the car seat.
}    The handcuff keys are in the packsack already. As soon as I'm tied
}    up, all you have to do is pull over to the highway call box and
}    tell the Highway Patrol that you saw a girl tied up naked in the
}    car. Then you take the packsack and walk to the nearest cab
}    station. You get a lift back to the Temple of Oracle. When the
}    cops get here, they'll find Oracle asleep and me kidnapped - and
}    then they'll teach him a lesson!
}
} Zadoc: Are you sure?
}
} Brenda: Yes, I'm sure! Will you do it?
}
} Zadoc: This is an awful lot of money...
}
} Brenda: Good. Okay, I'm taking off my clothes...
}
} Zadoc: Oh, my goodness!
}
} Brenda: Yes, you sick-o, you can watch if you want to. I'm used to
}    having men stare at me while I get undressed.
}
} Zadoc: Oracle has good taste - you really are a very beautiful woman!
}
} Brenda: Thank you! Okay, don't forget to pull over at a call box,
}    when I've finished handcuffing myself... I'm putting on the gag
}    now... Mmm mmm mmmm...
}
} Zadoc: Okay, I'm pulling over now. Here's the call box... Good luck
}    with the -
}
} Officer: Excuse me, sir! Please roll down the window!
}
} Zadoc: Hey! The cops are already here!
}
} Brenda: Mmm! Mmm!
}
} Officer: I said, roll down the window, sir!
}
} Zadoc: Hello, officer!
}
} Officer: Sir, I notice that you have two passengers in the car.
}
} Zadoc: Uh... Yes, that's right.
}
} Officer: And they're both in handcuffs, and one of them is naked.
}
} Zadoc: Yes, they're... Wait... no, one of them isn't handcuffed, he's
}    just asleep!
}
} Officer: Humm, what's that in your packsack? I'll need to have a
}    look.
}
} Zadoc: Well, it's her clothes... plus some money she just gave me...
}
} Brenda: Mmm! Mmm!
}
} Oracle: Mmm! Mmm!
}
} Officer: And they're gagged! Please get out of the car.
}
} Zadoc: Ha ha, I can see how this looks...
}
} Officer: [Drawing gun] SIR, I said PLEASE GET OUT OF THE CAR.
}
} Zadoc: [Getting out of the car] But really, it's not what it looks
}    like...
}
} Officer: Please step aside and put your hands on the hood. You're
}    under arrest for...
}
} [Much, much later]
}
} Oracle: Brenda, this was MUCH more fun than zotting him.
}
} Brenda: My pleasure, Oracle!
}
} Lisa: Oh, and very clever ad-libs; I loved the bit about how your
}    blinds turn transparent whenever you take a shower!
}
} Brenda: Nice of you to say so, ma'am. And I really enjoyed the
}    present that the two of you gave me when it was all over.
}
} Oracle: So did I! Hey Lisa, would you like to give her that same
}    present again?
}
} Lisa: Great idea, Oracle! Let's go!


1423-10    (39da7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, really smart Oracle, whose boots I am not worthy to clean,
> whose visage would blind me with it's beauty and brilliance if I were
> to crawl forward from my prostrate position on the floor, whose
> toenail clippings discarded on the floor like gems make we want to
> weep with the value of such sacred items that I would never be worthy
> to touch; oh, truly great and spiffy Oracle; wise and wonderful
> Oracle; fine, fantastic and splendiferous Oracle, to speak of just the
> tiniest fraction of praise you are due yet to grovel my mortal mind
> out of new ways of praising you,
>
> I, the Supplicant, have a question on the nature of your omniscience.
> Omniscience means "knows everything"; "knows everything at once" is
> implied.
>
> I'm pretty confident you don't know everything at once -- see a
> recent oracularity where you fail to spot Zeus incarnated as a midge
> (hope it blew over). There are other moments -- the custard river
> that time Zadoc was kicked out is a good one. (When the priests were
> playing tag in the library remember? You ended up hanging from the
> chandelier?)
>
> That's not to mention all those times you answered the question while
> referring to something completely different (I'm referring to the
> "Which is better, length or thickness?" one here; come on Orrie, you
> know what that question was really about as well as I do and it wasn't
> pole-vaulting) which is another indication to the highly channelled
> nature of your omniscience. I think you get the idea of what I mean
> here; there are thousands of others I could reference but I want to
> write my own supplication today.
>
> I'm figuring, from such examples, that one of several (or any
> combination of several) of the following is due to this.
>
> You're acting less than omniscient in order to put humans at their
> ease. Unlikely, I don't see you as the personality type to do this.
> Further, the whole point in you is that you are omniscient in the first
> place; it's what's expected, so there is no discomfort in it.
>
> Incarnations are not capable of withstanding omniscience so you have
> to compress yourself to act as an incarnation.
> My favoured theory. In some cases the personality of the incarnation
> is so strong (Biff, Og) that you can exert precious little wisdom,
> especially if the mental capacity of the incarnation has little
> capacity for thought in the first place (Biff, Og). By contrast
> certain incarnations are very very good at channelling your true
> essence, which is why the best oracularities often seem penned by
> similar hands.
>
> You must be asked a question before you know the answer.
> In many cases you have been caught seemingly by surprise (the custard,
> the midge). If someone had asked you about these articles beforehand
> you would have known all about them, no? But no-one asked. Perhaps
> have someone ask you each morning what all of the important things
> you'd otherwise miss that day are (tribute notwithstanding in this
> case).
>
> So what's going on Orrie? How does your omniscience work?
>
> Eagerly awaiting a reply, Supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are simultaneously exactly correct and totally wrong. Yes, I do
} know everything, in advance, in arrears, and simultaneously. But what
} use would it be if I merely pontificated? We need a sense of adventure
} here, to make up for a certain lack of it in my own, natural existence.
} I rather enjoy being able to pretend that I don't notice
} Zeus-the-midge.
}
} And bear you in mind, that I know how to pretend his absence so
} strongly that I can feel that I actually do not know he's there! Do not
} cast false limits on my Omniscience!
}
} Oh, and how does my Omniscience work? Very well, thank you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kilt.


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