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Internet Oracularities #1424

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Internet Oracularities #1424    (35 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2007 14:48:44 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1424
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1424  35 votes 29ea0 04j75 165bc 15c89 05h85 06cb6 35ga1 4bb63 24cd4 6a991
1424  3.2 mean  2.9   3.4   3.8   3.5   3.4   3.5   3.0   2.8   3.4   2.7


1424-01    (29ea0 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm full. Now I have to wait a few hours before I can eat again. But
> I'm inpatient! Why can't I eat now??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite simply: to prevent you from getting sick. If you ate more right
} now, the result would be embarassing to you and everyone around you.
} Plus, it'd be a mess and who would clean it up?
}
} Now, that sounds a bit too simple, doesn't it? Of course, there is a
} deeper meaning. The universe wants to teach you something. I, in my
} omniescence, do of course know what it is that you are to be taught.
} But I have made it an habit not to get in the way of the universes
} pedagogics, it takes these things pesonally, and you are supposed to
} find out by yourself.
}
} But here's just a little hint: if you don't eat all that yummy stuff
} now, someone else will doubtlessly do so. Maybe the universe wants this
} person to get the sweeties. Then you should ask yourself: why does it
} prefer this person?
}
} And what can you do about it?
}
} You owe the oracle 3% of the obtained enlightenment as replacement for
} temple candles.


1424-02    (04j75 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you a solipsist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That you ask proves you're not, so any answer
} The Oracle gives you'll doubt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hall of mirrors.


1424-03    (165bc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, what do pickled dragons with mustard taste like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chicken.
}
} Ok, that's probably not the answer you're looking for.  In fact, since
} I'm omniscient, I *KNOW it's not the answer you were looking for.  So,
} let's expound a little, shall we?
}
} Imagine you're a lowly peasant in a Middle-Earth-style setting.
} You're roughly 38 years old, have several kids and a plump, loving
} wife.  However, you're extremely poor.  You spend your days getting
} paid to shift mud from one pile to another for the sheer amusement of
} your lord, who busies himself with hurrying from mud pile to mud pile,
} his only purpose to watch those under him slave away in misery.  If
} you do a particularly good job, you get paid a couple of silver pieces
} instead of the standard few copper pieces.  You're a hard worker, but
} not very good at your job, so you don't get a lot of extra money.  But
} that's ok, because you're happy with your lot in life.  Your kids love
} you, your wife loves you, and you're debt-free.
}
} One day, while you're shifting a particularly heavy pile of mud, your
} lord happens by on his horse.  Not only is he watching you work, but
} also the Prince of the land.  The Prince is a snobbish brute, spoiled
} in every way, and seems to be about 150 pounds heavier than he should
} be.  He laughs heartily at your misery, commenting to the lord how
} deliciously pitiful you look when all of a sudden, the Prince's horse
} sees a snake lurking near it!  The horse panics, and begins galloping
} at an incredibly fast pace towards a 150 foot cliff no more than a
} quarter of a mile away.   Without thinking, you quickly shove your
} lord off of his horse, climb on and race towards the doomed Prince.
} The Prince's horse is still panicked, but having a heck of a time
} trying to run with the obese Prince on its back, so you're easily able
} to catch up to him.  Within feet of the cliff, you deftly grab the
} Prince, drawing him to the ground just as the terrified horse plunges
} down the cliff to his death.  The Prince, shaken and a little
} embarrassed, thanks you whole-heartedly, and makes his way back to the
} King's castle.
}
} It isn't long before word of your heroic efforts to save his son
} reaches the King's ears.  The King is so grateful that he immediately
} sends for you to join him in a banquet and party in your honor!
}
} Oh, the banquet is quite a sight to behold.  You are placed at the
} King's side, encouraged to eat as much as you can possibly eat, drink
} as much as you can possibly drink.  The King, like his son, is a large
} man of some girth.  His appetite is a hearty one, and although he is
} King, his table manners are atrocious.  But you enjoy yourself, having
} a large portion of every type of food that is brought before you.  And
} the Ale!  Oh my, you are given the best ale in all the lands!   By
} midnight, you are extremely full, extremely drunk, and extremely sick
} of eating.  But the party continues!  And, being the honored guest,
} you are not allowed to stop eating or drinking.  It is four in the
} morning, and you are literally stuffed and drunk off of your arse.
} Finally, the party is waning, and the King is just about to leave for
} the night, when suddenly, you throw up everything you've eaten in a
} huge, smelly, brown-red mixture of food, ale, mucous and stomach bile.
} It really is quite a mess.
}
} The King is shocked and horrified!  The custom for the land is that a
} guest of the King NEVER throws up any food given to him during the
} course of the feast.  You have committed one of the vilest acts you
} could possibly commit, and the only recourse for your actions is death
} by being drawn and quartered.  Or, the King tells you, you could
} re-consume your sin, so to speak.  After a night's debauchery and
} gluttony, you are now looking at a congealing mess that you realize
} you must eat if you want to live to see the sunrise.
}
} Got that?
}
} Ok, pickled dragons with mustard has the taste that is a lot like you
} think eating that regurgitated mess would taste, only without the
} wonderful texture.
}
} You owe the Oracle a doggy bag.


1424-04    (15c89 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle Most Wise,
>
> In 'The Wizard of Oz', the Wicked Witch melted when in contact with
> water. Now, I realize that water can be acidic when in the presence
> of a base, but is the witch really that basic? Besides, what were
> the products? Perhaps the water lowered the Witch's boiling point?
>
> Please Tell me, for I am confused

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first thing you should understand is that words have
} different meaning in Oz.
}
} Consider the word "witch." In our world, this is usually has one
} of two meanings:
}
} 1) A female sorcerer or magician, usually imagined to have
}    special powers derived from the devil (with an evil
}    connotation), or
}
} 2) An ugly evil-looking old woman (not necessarily associated
}    with magic).
}
} In either case, there's something revolting about a witch in our
} world.
}
} But in Oz, this is not necessarily so. Glinda, the Witch of the
} North, embodies both beauty and niceness. You can't seriously ask
} "Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch" unless there is such a
} thing as a Good Witch.
}
} Now consider the word "melt." In our world, this usually means
} "reduce or cause to be reduced from a solid to a liquid state by
} heating."
}
} In the scene you refer to, the witch does indeed yell "I'm
} melting! I'm melting" as she disappears after she becomes wet -
} but what is happening is clearly NOT what (in our world) is
} called melting. First, the water being used was not hot - it had
} been sitting in a bucket for use as a fire suppressant, and so it
} was clearly room temperature - so it was not done by heating.
} Second, the witch did not turn into a liquid - she turned into
} smoke, and (in the movie version, at least) you can clearly see
} the wisps of smoke emanating from where the witch's feet used to
} be. This is similar to what we would call "burning", but that
} doesn't exactly fit either. (Clearly, water doesn't burn people,
} either here or in Oz.)
}
} So, if the witch isn't really melted, what is happening?
}
} Based on the fact that water is deadly to the witch, it's obvious
} that she hasn't had a bath in a very long time. In fact, when
} that accident(*) occurred, the witch was 80 years old and she
} hadn't had a bath since she was a teenager. Yet you know, from
} other scenes in that same story, that it was possible for other
} people to be indoors with the witch without falling over from the
} stench. (We have no evidence that the odor was pleasant - only
} that it didn't knock people out.) This proves that the witch
} regularly used either an antiperspirant or a deodorant, or both.
} We don't know how often - it might have been daily, or just once
} a month - but it WAS used.
}
} If you use an antiperspirant or deodorant in the morning, it
} might still have some effectiveness later that afternoon. It
} conceivably could still have some minor degree of effectiveness
} late into the night, or (if you have unusually dormant sweat
} glands) even into the next day. But eventually the natural odor
} of your body will build up to the point where it overpowers the
} antiperspirant or deodorant. You can, of course, combat this by
} using more of the antiperspirant or deodorant. Whatever trace
} amounts of the original application still remain, will combine
} with the fresh application - and for a while, at least, you might
} not have an offensive odor. But the chemicals from both of the
} applications still remain on your skin. Later that same day or
} week or month you might use even more of the antiperspirant or
} deodorant, and now the chemicals continue to combine with your
} own body odors, and so on...
}
} In both the movie and book 'Wizard of Oz', the Wicked Witch is
} described as having green skin. Can you begin to see why this is
} so?
}
} Antiperspirants generally contain at least one of these active
} ingredients: Aluminum chloride, Aluminum zirconium
} tricholorohydrex glycine, Aluminum chlorohydrate, or Aluminum
} hydroxybromide. Deodorants aren't likely to contain aluminum, but
} they typically contain Guar Gum, Vegetable Glycerin, Glycerol
} Stearate, Patchouli, Sandalwood Essential Oil, and/or Lavender.
}
} In small amounts, all of these are completely safe. But when
} applied in vast quantities - layer upon layer upon layer, for
} decades - and when allowed to combine with carbon dioxide in the
} air, many of these can begin to collect enzymes, which cause
} impurities to attract trace amounts of various acids. When these
} acids combine with a catalyst such as water, they can ignite.
}
} In short, it was the acid, attracted by the witch's
} antiperspirants or deodorants, which caused the witch to burn.
}
} [AllanW]
}
} (*) The water wasn't intended to kill the witch, but to save the
}     scarecrow - who was on fire at the time. Therefore, the event
}     was an accident, by the definition of "accident."
}
} You owe the Oracle some DVD's of funny movies - or some
} pornography - or some political debates - or a loaded gun -
} anything to get rid of the image in my head of a witch applying
} antiperspirants or deodorants for decades without bathing! Eww!


1424-05    (05h85 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                       Acme Telephone Sterilizers, Inc
>                                       Hercules Plaza
>                                       1313 N. Market Street
>                                       Wilmington, DE 19801
>                                       May 10th, 2007
>
> Dear Mr Oracle,
>
> After comparing bids from several providers, we have concluded that
> the ROI of meeting your demands far exceeds the return from any other
> proposal we have seen. Your succinct, if unconventional, request for
> "100 gallons of soy sauce, in single serving packets" was calculated
> by our accountants to be far cheaper than the closest competitive bid.
>
> We at Acme Telephone Sterilizers like to be on the cutting edge of
> progress and are excited about how your all-knowning mind can provide
> us with valuable marketing data to assist in the expansion of our
> business. Your further assurance that being omniscient would allow
> you to give far more accurate results than conventional surveying only
> added to our confidence that you are the best choice for the job.
>
> Please provide us with the following statistics and we will follow up
> with your soy sauce delivery.
>
>
> Percentage of US population with a land-line telephone in the house
>
> Percentage of US population that own a cell-phone
>
> Percentage of US population that regularly washes behind their ears
>
> Percentage of US population that uses a telephone once or more per day
>
> Percentage of daily US telephone users who use a telephone shared with
> others
>
> Percentage of US telephone users that do not wash behind their ears
>
> Percentage of US telephone users with unhealed ear peircings
>
> Percentage of US telephone users who have in the last month used a
> phone previously used by someone with an unsanitary ear state
>
> Percentage of US telephone users who have in the last month used a
> phone previously used by someone with an unsanitary ear state, and
> that phone belonged to their employer
>
> Average income of US telephone users
>
> Average profit of companies that employee telephone users
>
> Number of telephones (cell phone or land-line) in US households
>
> Number of telephones (cell phone or land-line) in US businesses
>
>
> Thank you for your swift attention to this matter.
>
>                      Sincerely,
>                      Andrew P. Corroon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                       Oracular Consulting, Inc
}                                       The Oracular Temple
}                                       150 S. Woodlawn Ave.
}                                       Bloomington, IN 47405-7104
}                                       May 21, 2007
}
} Dear Mr Corroon,
}
} We at Oracular Consulting are overjoyed to hear of your decision to
} utilize our services, as we of course new you would. You are quite
} correct in your assessment that my omniscient mind allows our results
} to be far more accurate than our competition.
}
} However, I am afraid that you may have misinterpreted the previously
} stated cost of our services. If you more carefully read the original
} proposal, you will find that the request was in fact "100 gallons of
} soy sauce, in single serving packets, PER QUESTION" (Capitals added for
} emphasis). I would also like to bring your attention to the relevant
} footnote, "Further costs may be demanded, by the Oracle, at the whim of
} the Oracle, on a PER QUESTION basis."
}
} These important points having been raised, I will now be more than
} happy to provide you with the required statistics.
}
} 84.2015% of the US population has a land-line telephone in the house.
} You owe the Oracle 500 Tonnes of sushi.
}
} 86.90456% of Americans own a cell phone.
} You owe the Oracle 500 gallons of wasabi sauce.
}
} Sadly only 20.62% of the US population wash behind their ears more than
} twice in their lifetime.
} You owe the Oracle 20,000 gallons of Sake.
}
} 92.8624% of the US population use a telephone once or more a day.
} You owe the Ocacle a traditional kimono for Lisa.
}
} 74.8135% of US telephone users share a phone with others.
} You owe the Oracle an authentic Katana.
}
} 97.63485% of US telephone users don't wash behind their ears.
} You owe the Oracle a full set of traditional Japenese Samuri armour.
}
} 40.2315% of US phone users have unhealed ear peircings.
} You owe the Oracle a well conditioned Yumi.
}
} 99.99456% of US phone users have, in the last month, used a phone
} previously used by someone with an unsanitary ear state.
} You owe the Oracle a guide to the art of Kyudo.
}
} 94.264% of the above were using phones belonging to their employer.
} You owe the Oracle a wakizashi.
}
} The average US phone users has an annual income of US$56,067.
} You owe the Oracle the hat worn by the fifth emporer of Japan.
}
} The average profit of companies that employ telephone users is
} US$40,000,042.
} You owe the Oracle 50 original haikus.
}
} There are 422144344 telephones in US households.
} You owe the Oracle a 1000 word essay on the beauty of the lotus
} blossom.
}
} There are 851348861 telephones in US businesses
} You owe the Oracle a guide book to every known style of kung fu.
}
} As well as the individual costs for each question, please don't forget
} to send the 13,000 gallons of soy sauce. Prompt payment will be greatly
} appreciated.
}
} Sincerely,
} The Internet Oracle


1424-06    (06cb6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens when two omniscient beings play chess?
>
>  [The chessboard is set up]
>
> Orrie: Draw in 1247 moves.
>
> Orrie 2: Good show, wanna play again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: Ok.
}
} [3 Centuries Later]
}
} Orrie 2: Draw in 1247 moves. Good game. Again?
}
} [3 Centuries Later]
}
} Orrie: Draw. 1247 moves. Brilliant on that last part, almost thought I
} got you. Let's go again.
}
} [3 Centuries Later]
}
} Orrie 2: Draw, 1247 moves. I like your first 545 moves, as good as I
} would have done. New game?
}
} [3 Centuries Later]
}
} Orrie: Another draw, 1247 moves. Think this is getting boring?
}
} Orrie 2: It's better than tic-tac-toe.
}
} Orrie: Oh well. Draw in 1247 moves. I still can't stop wondering how
} you pulled off that last part. Well actually I do know how. This
} omniscient business makes me want to kill myself.
}
} Orrie 2: Want me to help?
}
} Orrie: Sure, but you won't. I'm due to die in 364 million years.
}
} Orrie 2: I know. Wretched isn't it? I've got 560 billion left.
}
} Orrie: Of course you do. Play again?
}
} Orrie 2: Fine.


1424-07    (35ga1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Clever and Romantic Oracle, who serenades are the siren-songs that
> call all Lisa's to fall at your feet, please glance my way and
> enlighten me on the following question:
>
> Will he or won't he?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He will, but he will be arrested for it, charged with a misdemeanor,
} and sentenced to time served plus 10 days of community service.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mug shot of Paris Hilton with a moustache drawn on
} it.


1424-08    (4bb63 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle requires a   and a   and a    mailed directly to the
} Oracle's home address, which is    by   .


1424-09    (24cd4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh almighty oracle, mightiest of the mighty, please awnser my humble
> question...
>
> If i were born withouth hands or feet, what would my ID card look like?
> How would they get my fingerprints?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quadruple amputees have ID cards with nose-prints on them. It's a
} little known fact that nose-prints are as unique as fingerprints.
} There are advantages to nose-prints, too: very few people are willing
} to use acid to burn off the tip of their nose, for one thing; plus,
} fingerprints tend to be all greasy from Twinkie binging.
}
} There's been some talk of using nose-prints as a form of federal ID,
} but the fundamentalists own Congress so it can't get out of committee.
} Apparently certain religious groups are afraid that federal nose
} printing would be the harbinger of a New World Odor.
}
} You owe the Oracle the life of Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon.


1424-10    (6a991 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of oracles, Sage of sages, Scribe of scribes and Teacher of
> teachers, please take a moment to speak wisdom to a humble supplicant.
>
> The Internet Oracle FAQ has a single (33-word) quote from Paul
> Vale'ry. I know that there's a university in France named after him -
> but that's all I know.
>
> Who was he? What noteworthy things has he done in his lifetime? If he
> spoke French, why is the quote in the FAQ in English? Why was the
> l'Universtite Paul Vale'iry named after him? What else can you tell me
> about him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should consult the IAQ (Infrequently Asked Questions).
}
} You can find it's location in the ITAQ (Impossible To Answer Questions)
}
} You owe the Oracle an ETAQ


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