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Internet Oracularities #1425

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1425, 1425-01, 1425-02, 1425-03, 1425-04, 1425-05, 1425-06, 1425-07, 1425-08, 1425-09, 1425-10


Internet Oracularities #1425    (40 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2007 10:28:05 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1425
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1425  40 votes 5ce81 097db 4bea1 519fa 2bf84 06dg5 53ec6 2be94 09c9a 16cba
1425  3.3 mean  2.7   3.6   2.8   3.6   3.0   3.5   3.3   3.0   3.5   3.6


1425-01    (5ce81 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh almighty Oracle, the meekest of whose thoughts would be enough to
> sustain a mere mortal for 15 lifetimes, please answer me this
>
> How long does a hard-boiled egg stay edible for after boiling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indefinitely.*
}
} *your results may vary.
}
} You owe the oracle a description of the difference between
} ability and recommendation.


1425-02    (097db dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've never believed in the Internet Oracle. My faith was in science,
> and not in the all-knowingness of the Oracle. But today, something
> changed. I saw a sign that made me believe!
>
> It was

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              /\
}             / /\
}            / / /\
}           / / /  \
}          /  \ \   \
}         /   / /    \
}        /   / /      \
}       /    \ \       \
}      /     / /        \
}     /      \ \         \
}    /        \/          \
}   /       (\__/)         \
}   \      /O O `.         /
}    \    (O__,   \       /
}     \     / .  . )     /
}      \    |-| '-' \   /
}       \  .(   _(   ) /
}        \'---.~_ _ _&/
}         \          /
}          \        /
}           \      /
}            \    /
}             \  /
}    __________\/__________
}   |                      |
}   |     NEXT 42 KMS      |
}   |______________________|


1425-03    (4bea1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do me a favor?  Pretend you're really scared of me?  Please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, you're scary. Here's how I deal with fear:
}
} Gah! *ZOT!*
}
} There, wasn't that fun?
}
} You owe the Oracle therapy.


1425-04    (519fa dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      I went to Sunday School today and the teacher taught us all about
> Noah's Arc.  He explained in great detail how Noah built an Arc, and
> put two of every plant and animal of the earth on it.  Then he
> dramatically described how they survived the fierce 40 days and 40
> nights of the great flood.
>
>      So I asked him "Am I to believe that Noah was able to collect all
> 2.5 million species of plants and animals from all over the earth, and
> put them all on one small arc that he built himself by hand?  ALL of
> them?!  What about the ones that can only survive in hot humid climates?
> Or the ones that can only survive in extremely cold dry climates?  What
> about the ones that can only survive in the thin air above 12,000 feet?
> And how about the ones that can only survive in the extreme pressures in
> the depths of the ocean?  Don't forget; there are some that can only
> survive around volcanic vents, how did he keep them alive?  How do you
> feed 2.5 million different species, when many of them have very
> specialized diets and can only survive on certain types of food?  That
> many animals are going to produce a lot of XXXX, how did he handle all
> of that?"
>
>      Then the teacher said "Well I know he did it because the good book
> says so, and I believe it."
>
>      Oracle; you seem pretty level headed.  Should I believe the story
> he's telling me, or is it a load of XXXX?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God spoke to Noah, saying, "Men are very wicked, and I have decided to
} do away with them. But you are righteous, so you shall be saved." And
} Noah said, "Wow. What are you going to do with the rest then? Plague?
} Rains of fire?"
}
} And God said, "No, I shall command a great flood. It shall rain for
} forty days and forty nights." Noah said, "Yeah? And what am I going to
} do for all this time? How am I going to escape drowning?" And God said,
} "You shall build an Ark. And you shall build it three hundred cubits in
} length, and fifty in breadth, and thirty in height."
}
} And Noah said, "Say what? That's bloody enormous! How am I going to
} build something that big? Where will I get that much wood? I can't
} afford that much wood, and it'll take me months to cut that many trees.
} And speaking of which, what's going to happen to all the plants and
} animals? Are they all going to snuff it?" And God said, "No, that's the
} other thing. I need you to get two of every bird and animal and plant,
} and store them on your Ark."
}
} And Noah said, "Yeah, right. While I'm busy clear-cutting and sawing
} and making sure this damn Ark's watertight, I've also got to traipse
} all over the place and capture animals and take plant samples and
} whatever, all to put on this Ark. And you expect me to fit them all in?
} Even if I could build it as big as you wanted it, which I can't,
} there's no way I'm fitting them all in there. Did you think about how
} much they all weigh? What about keeping them alive? How do I stop the
} carnivores snacking on the other animals? How much feed do I need to
} stop all the plants being eaten? How do I manage all the different
} survival needs of these bloody things? Seriously, wouldn't it be much
} simpler for me to just move to higher ground?"
}
} And God took a deep breath and said, "No, that won't help. The flood
} will reach the highest mountaintops."
}
} And Noah said, "Pull the other one. In forty days, you're going to make
} it rain enough to cover mountains? Have you any idea how fast the water
} would need to rise for that to happen? How is any boat going to stay
} afloat in that? Where the hell are you getting this much water from,
} anyway? Where's it all going to go when the rain stops? If this is
} going to cover the whole world, does that mean I have to go and collect
} animals from places completely unknown to me? And when all this is
} over, I'll have to return them to where they came from? And what about
} genetic depth? If you're starting again from two individuals, within a
} few generations everything will be so mutated it won't survive long
} anyway. Did you think this plan out at all? If you're so bloody clever,
} Mr. Wonderful, why can't you sort this mess out yourself?"
}
} And God said, "Nuts to this." And he did smite Noah and all the other
} humans, and started afresh, with someone who hopefully wouldn't talk
} back so much. But he put in the story about the flood anyway just to
} cover his tracks.
}
} You owe the Oracle the story of Jesus before they retconned that Judas
} guy into the baddie.


1425-05    (2bf84 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tony.gies@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> Why am I so depressed? There's this girl I like, and I think she likes
> me too, but only as a friend. And it's not meant to be... I suppose. I
> am obese and ugly, and she is beautiful. How can I lose 60 pounds in a
> couple months to look better? And then, what should I do to impress
> her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Chubby,
}
}   You're depressed due to your sheer bulk.  You see, after about 400
} pounds, your rib cage can't keep your lungs from getting squeezed like
} that puppy you sat on last week.  It also explains the breathing
} trouble you experience upon exertion... like walking, sitting up, and
} lifting the remote.  Unfortunately, losing weight is just a losing
} battle for you.
}
}   Therefore, instead of trying to drop, it's easier to make her
} gain.  Think about it.  You can't walk for more than 20 feet without
} collapsing.  No, you need a strategy that will make her so sad that
} she can't help but put on pounds.
}
}   I have just the method.  In fact, schoolgirls have been using it
} for decades!  Simply use a combination of teasing, insults, hate mail,
} and rude caricatures.  Eventually she won't be able keep the Ben &
} Jerry's carton out of her hand!
}
}   But, you may ask: "Won't she hate me forever?"  Don't you worry!
} Big girls are just happy to have someone even looking at them... that
} isn't just trying to see around.  You'll be happy for the rest of your
} life--or at least as long as you can stand being with such a cow.
}
}   You owe the Oracle an endorsement for his matchmaking service.


1425-06    (06dg5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tony.gies@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Wonderful Oracle:
>
> I'm a Libra, not anywhere close to the edge of the sign, and yet what
> I read about Scorpio seems to be exactly me. What does this mean?
>
>
>
>
> (not that I'll literally make decisions on this stuff or anything)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Zodiac must be running slow again.
}
} I'll give Zeus a call and get him to wind the spring.
}
} You owe The Oracle a week of surprises, with the chance of a romantic
} encounter on Thursday.


1425-07    (53ec6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tony.gies@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Finer than the notes of a dulcimer on fire The Oracle's wisdom
> rings out peals of appeals for rationality for all to hear across
> the echoing wasteland that is the `Net,
>
> Why are so many of the females at work suddenly with child?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps this will shed some light on the subject:
}
} Franken, Sincey & Mirhh
} Attorneys at Law
} 101 Bitstream Avenue
} Florence, VA
}
} re: Pending class action paternity suit
}
} Mr. Diggler,
}
} It is with much displeasure that I find myself writing to you yet
} again concerning the class action lawsuit set to be filed against you.
}
} While it is true that you never actually had intercourse with any of
} the 15 women named in the suit, it is nonetheless easy to prove that
} you are the father of all these children.  Need I remind you of the
} security monitor video of you doing your 'work' in the company's water
} supply pipes?  And, of course we have the fabricated work order which
} you signed, to have bidets put in all women's restrooms.
}
} While inventive, it is nonetheless sick, disgusting and full of legal
} liabilities.  We expect a sizable amount of money to keep this out of
} the courts (and out of the public eye).
}
} Most Disrespectfully,
} Morris Mirhh.


1425-08    (2be94 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle...
>
> We here in America generally use the Fahrenheit scale to measure
> temperature.  Why is the normal human body temperature 98.6 degrees?
> Since we humans invented Fahrenheit, why didn't we originally
> calibrate the scale so that normal human body temperature was 100
> degrees?  Might this have something to do with global warming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fahrenheit actually is calibrated to the temperature of the human body.
} The imperial system was just conceived in a fever dream.
}
} You owe the Oracle two wet towels and a pint of cough syrup.


1425-09    (09c9a dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, you know even more about the planets in heaven
> than The One That Created Them.
>
> At one point, Venus and Mars are at completely opposite points from
> the Sun -- meaning that their distance from each other is 208,783,000
> miles. A spaceship takes off from Mars. It travels at Mach 4, and
> chooses a course designed to take it to Venus as quickly as possible.
>
> 225 Earth-days later, another spaceship takes off from Venus. It
> travels at Mach 7, and chooses a course designed to take it to Mars
> as quickly as possible.
>
> During the 225 days, Venus has traveled completely around the Sun,
> and is back almost at it's original position -- but since Mars takes
> almost 687 days to complete it's orbit around the Sun, it has gone
> less than 1/3 of the way around the Sun.
>
> Do the two spaceships crash? If not, what is the closest distance
> that they ever come to each other during their respective trips?
> [AllanW]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The two spaceships will have a near miss, exactly two inches apart
} from each other.
}
} Then they will explode violently, in anyway.
}
} Then Mars and Venus will explode.
}
} Out of the midst of smoke and flying debris, a small, compact sport
} spaceship will fly out, guns blazing, through the Sun, out the other
} side, and then fly into the Earth at top speed, skidding to a stop
} sideways into a rooftop parking spot, with one-eighth of an inch to
} spare on either side.
}
} A cybernetically enhanced Bruce Willis, with minor bruises, will roll
} down the window, breathe a sigh of relief and say: "Yeah, right. Give
} out one parking ticket, my ass."
}
} Watch 'Die Hard 23'! In theaters everywhere on Friday, September 12,
} 2059!


1425-10    (16cba dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most ..., uh, I've run out ouf adjectives.... Anyway, Dear Supreme
> Oracle, who is, without a doubt, the greatest supernatural entity
> mankind has yet to encounter (okay, well God still beats you on that
> one), please answer me!
>
> Where do you stand on Googlism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean?
}
} Wait, I'll check on Google.
}
} *******************************************************************
} Web      Results 1 - 10 of about 12,900 for Googlism (0.24 seconds)
}
} Internet Oracle - Digest #1425
} Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? Wait, I'll check on Google.
} cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=1425 - 38k -
} Cached - Similar pages - Note this
} *******************************************************************
}
} Wow! These guys are fast! It's amazing! Now all we have to do to find
} the answer to your question is to click and see!
}
} ... The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your
} question was:
}
} > O Most ..., uh, I've run out ouf adjectives.... Anyway, Dear Supreme
} > Oracle, who is, without a doubt, the greatest supernatural entity
} > mankind has yet to encounter (okay, well God still beats you on that
} > one), please answer me!
} >
} > Where do you stand on Googlism?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean?
} }
} } Wait, I'll check on Google.
} }
} } *****************************************************************
} } Web    Results 1 - 10 of about 12,900 for Googlism (0.24 seconds)
} }
} } Internet Oracle - Digest #1425
} } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? Wait, I'll check on
} } Google. ... cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=1425 - 38k -
} } Cached - Similar pages - Note this
} } *****************************************************************
} }
} } Wow! These guys are fast! It's amazing! Now all we have to do to
} } find the answer to your question is to click and see!
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your
} } question was:
} }
} } > O Most ..., uh, I've run out ouf adjectives.... Anyway, Dear
} } > Supreme Oracle, who is, without a doubt, the greatest
} } > supernatural entity mankind has yet to encounter (okay, well
} } > God still beats you on that one), please answer me!
} } >
} } > Where do you stand on Googlism?
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean?
} } }
} } } Wait, I'll check on Google.
} } }
} } } *****************************************************************
} } } Web    Results 1 - 10 of about 12,900 for Googlism (0.24 seconds)
} } }
} } } Internet Oracle - Digest #1425
} } } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? Wait, I'll check on
} } } Google. ... cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=1425 - 38k -
} } } Cached - Similar pages - Note this
} } } *****************************************************************
} } }
} } } Wow! These guys are fast! It's amazing! Now all we have to do to
} } } find the answer to your question is to click and see!
} } }
} } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your
} } } question was:
} } }
} } } > O Most ..., uh, I've run out ouf adjectives.... Anyway, Dear
} } } > Supreme Oracle, who is, without a doubt, the greatest
} } } > supernatural entity mankind has yet to encounter (okay, well
} } } > God still beats you on that one), please answer me!
} } } >
} } } > Where do you stand on Googlism?
} } }
} } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} } }
} .......
}
} You owe the Oracle a Spell of Protection against not-evil mottos.


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