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Internet Oracularities #1426

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Internet Oracularities #1426    (35 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 07 Oct 2007 20:43:22 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1426
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1426  35 votes 2ac92 668c3 16be3 25cc4 1e9b0 299f0 476c6 37988 19a87 19b95
1426  3.2 mean  3.0   3.0   3.3   3.3   2.9   3.1   3.3   3.3   3.3   3.2


1426-01    (2ac92 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle of the internet, who is more Omnipotent than the oracle of
> Aal and slayer of W**dc****'s numerous by an infinite percentile I beg
> of you to answer me this:
> What would go on during a gladiatorial match between Ra, God, Vishnu,
> Zeus, Odin, The Jade emperor and Allah? And what would happen if Your
> Omnipotentness were to partake in this battle royale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get this straight... I am OMNISCIENT. That means all-knowing. I am most
} decidedly not OMNIPOTENT, or all-powerful. If I were actually
} omnipotent, I would not be running this answer-by-the-numbers racket.
}
} If I were both omniscient and omnipotent, then Big G, Who is both of
} those, would have nothing to do. Indeed, I would chew Him up and spit
} Him out, as I am semi-infinitely younger than Him. But I would be
} stuck, as He currently is, with the Problem of Evil. That is, He not
} only knows what is wrong with the world, but has the power to fix it,
} and so why doesn't He?
}
} I am, however, quite omniscient enough to avoid partaking in the silly
} battle that you suggest. Final score: Oracle one, Supplicant zero.


1426-02    (668c3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Huge and Tiny but incredibly plentiful Oracle, you were absent for
> several weeks. Where were you?
>
> Oh, and do not let me forget to grovel. There, I've squinched my own
> nose deep into the rapidly hardening concrete that surrounds your new
> bird-bath. Birds can relieve themselves upon me whenever you need proof
> of your all-too-obvious superiority.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Hushed voices talking:
}  older male: Wake him up, there's another question.
}  younger female: He needs his rest.
}  older male: He can rest when the answers have been given.
}  younger female: But he's still recovering!
}  older male: And it will be much worse if he doesn't answer.
}  younger female: <sob> Well, you wake him.)
}
} Zadoc crawls in with an envelope in his mouth, looking not at all
} like Maggie Gyllenhaal. Dropping the envelope on a bedside table,
} he speaks, "Master, there is another question, just arrived."
}
} From the bed, unseen under the pillows and blankets comes a slight
} moan. Then a muffled, "Can't you just deal with it?"
}
} Zadoc starts, "Master," but pauses.
}
} The blankets start to move. "Very well." A hand appears and pulls
} the envelope into the bed.
}
} Moments pass. Zadoc asks, "Master?"
}
} From the bed, the Oracle speaks, "Take this down and give it to the
} supplicant. And get it right, because I'm not going to repeat myself.
}
} "The Oracle welcomes your questions and relishes the opportunity to
} answer each one personally. The rumors surrounding his disappearance,
} that it was an escape effort or an attempt to reneg on binding
} contracts with the Creators of the Universe, are totally
} unsubstantiated and could not be further from the truth. Any hints
} that the Oracle gets tired of answering questions eternally are lies
} spread to discredit the Oracle and diminish his sterling reputation.
} Furthermore there is no truth whatsoever to the claims that the
} Creators turned the Staff of Zot on the Oracle for failure to comply,
} and any YouTube videos you may have seen purporting to be just that
} are fabrications.
}
} "The Oracle has not gone anywhere and any difficulties in reaching
} him recently have been purely technical snafus. Your contribution to
} the birdbath has been noted and be sufficent payment for this
} question."
}
} Zadoc finishes writing all of that down, puts the paper in his mouth,
} and crawls from the room. After the door closes the Oracle quietly
} mumbles "Cursed creature. 'Eternal servant!' 'Eternal Whipping-boy!'
} Yes, but no one ever mentioned 'eternal spy', too, did they?"


1426-03    (16be3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful Oracle... What, exactly, is "cool"? What are its
> properties and dimensions? My roommate is getting desperate.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear supplicant,
}
} Cool is as large as your ego, but smaller than your pride
} It is more vast than your wardrobe but smaller than your jacket.
} It is broader than your attitude but narrower than your outlook.
} It is newer than your slang, but older than your words.
}
} It is what it is.
}
} Just remember, that black never truly goes out of style.
}
} You owe the Oracle a high five, or whatever you crazy kids think is hip
} nowadays.


1426-04    (25cc4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magnificent Oracle, all-knowing (omniscient) and incapable of error
> (infallible):
>
> Aha! I caught you in an error!
>
> In Oracularity 1424-05, you wrote:
>
> } We at Oracular Consulting are overjoyed to hear of your decision
> } to utilize our services, as we of course new you would.
>
> That should be "knew", not "new"!
>
> You also wrote (in that same Oracularity):
>
> } 84.2015% of the US population has a land-line telephone in the house.
>
> But this is wrong. According to the Cato Institute, "Today more than
> 98 percent of American homes have a telephone, electricity, and a flush
> toilet." (my source: http://www.cato.org/pubs/pas/pa-364es.html -- that
> was written in 1999, but surely since then the percentage has gone even
> higher, not lower!)
>
> And you wrote:
>
> } There are 422144344 telephones in US households.
>
> But according to the CIA factbook (which you can download from
> https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/download/), there are
> 172,001,201 telephones in use in the United States!
>
> If you're omniscient and infallible, how could you have made these
> mistakes? That would make you NON-omniscient and NON-infallible
> (or is that UN-infallible? Or just FALLIBLE?) But I don't think you
> even really exist! You're really just Steve Kinzler pretending to
> be the Oracle, but now I've found you out! Ha! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
>
> Gleefully,
> [AllanW]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do not make mistakes, I simply report false information. The
} difference between these two statements is that mistakes imply that
} I say something wrong by accident. The truth is, I do it on purpose.
} Why, do you ask? It is because I enjoy seeing people waste their
} precious time going through website after website searching for
} statistics which they use to defy my infallibility. However, as I am
} infallible and thus can do no wrong by mistake, I do so on purpose.
}
} You owe the oracle the missing 250143143 telephones


1426-05    (1e9b0 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, wisest of the wise, &c,
>
> Your web site's "What's New" section's latest entry is from 2001.  What
> happened to the priests keeping the web site current?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surely you realize, supplicant, that for a being such as Myself,
} "What's New" is a matter of perspective.  I have seen so many chants
} and grovels of supplicants that the days and centuries phase together.
} It took me 200 years once to realize that you supplicants had switched
} from the Julian to the Gregorian Calendar!  Such foolishness!
}
} My priests on the other hand, have to fight the spawn of Hell, Inc.:
} Bill Gates and his Legion of $pammer$.  They stretch as far as the
} eye can see and then some.  I would help them by ZOTting some of
} the hellspawn, but workplace regulations forbid me from accidentally
} killing priests.
}
} You owe the Oracle an application to become a menial US$3.25/hour
} code-monkey.  You must show Me your exquisite skills with XHTML, CSS,
} and Perl, or I will consign you to become Zadoc's menial assistant.


1426-06    (299f0 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and mighty Oracle, one who knows things of utmost importance
> and of insignificance, who saw the universe begin and will see it end,
> please answer my most humble question.
>
> What is the value of 0?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is the first number that was controversial. It has no perfect
} physical representation, but so many practical purposes are for it in
} accounting and other applied branches of mathematics that I would be
} at one with nothing without zero. It's a number that turned out to be
} so nearly half of the internet that it seems to be a quarter of the
} world to North America and Europe. So, zero is worth about a quarter
} of the world. In another sense, zero is a slang term for kamikaze,
} and if you think about it, that's a terrorist. Where would humans be
} without a nation that didn't threaten global destruction?
}
} You owe The Internet Oracle a stealthy way to decommision atomic bombs.


1426-07    (476c6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --
> ()  ascii ribbon campaign - against html e-mail
> /\  www.asciiribbon.org

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ------=_Part_1402_28134608.1190905382086
} Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
} Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
} Content-Disposition: inline
}
} The Oracle discerns no query in this message.
}
} ------=_Part_1402_28134608.1190905382086
} Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1
} Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
} Content-Disposition: inline
}
} The Oracle discerns no query in this message.<br>
}
} ------=_Part_1402_28134608.1190905382086--


1426-08    (37988 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the biggest misconseption about anime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That it's good.
}
} You owe the Oracle the collected works of Tintin and his many
} adventures on DVD.


1426-09    (19a87 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@roadrunner.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you know that 8264 is the number you get if you make the sign of
> the cross on a calculator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle walks into a back room where 18th century French
} hairdressers out of work since the revolution are busy calculating
} logarithm tables using the method of finite differences.
} "There were several errors in the last set of tables you calculated for
} me. I am going to ZOT all of you!" the Oracle growls.
} The hairdressers all plead for their lives, some of them getting down
} on their knees and making the sign of the cross and praying for mercy.
} "Nope, don't see the number 8264," mumbles the Oracle as he ZOTs the
} 18th century calculators and slams the door behind him.
} The Oracle, reasoning that perhaps he checked with the wrong
} calculator, tries again.  He reaches into his hip holster and pulls out
} his Keuffel & Esser slide rule, pulls the slide out and makes a cross
} with the two scales: a reads 1.00, b reads 1.00, l reads 0.500, c'
} reads 3.16, c reads 3.16. Nope not in that calculator either.
} Finally the Oracle decides he should use a modern calculator, since
} this question did come from through electronic media and not courier
} pigeon.  He rummages through his junk drawer until he locates a TI-83
} graphing calculator and enters in sin(x). This returns a continuous
} curve oscillating between -1 and 1.
} Making one last attempt to understand the supplicant's logic behind his
} question the Oracle starts up Mathematica and plots x=0 and y=0 making
} a cross. 8,264 doesn't seem to mean anything in this context.  The
} Oracle adds a z axis and plots z=0.  Still not seeing it.  He sets
} Mathematica to allow for the true 42 dimensions of space time and plots
} each axis: 8,264 doesn't stand out, but the origin is well highlighted.
} The Oracle walks back to his console and answers: "Of course I knew.  I
} am the Oracle, I know all."
} You owe the Oracle the schematic diagram and blueprints for the
} calculator you used to make your cross.


1426-10    (19b95 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Plethorous Oracle, there are more of you than there is of me. If that's
> not a grovel, I don't know what is!
>
> I wrote to you about how to find a girlfriend and about how to get
> rich. Your advice, although lengthy, has not yet been helpful, and I
> still lack female companionship and wealth.
>
> I'm afraid that the only thing left to ask for is fame.
>
> How do I get to be famous, and what will be the consequences?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, it's immediately apparent that you have no clue what a grovel
} is, nor how to apply one directly to the forehead.
}
} Way to get famous:             | Consequences
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Get shot by Billy The Kid      | You're famous, but you can't enjoy it
}                                |
} Host a bad day TV talk show    | You're famous, but you're no
}                                | longer allowed to be around
}                                | kids or thinking adults.
}                                |
} Complain about TIO's advice    | You'll be ZOTted in very famous ways
}                                |
} Become an MC for dogfighting   | You'll be real famous in prison
}                                | and in PETA commercials
}
} Hmm... probably best just to stay anonymous, alone and poor.
}
} You owe the Oracle your autograph.


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