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} I have taken the liberty of interpreting money as meaning "any form
} of token or object which, although itself valueless, is accepted in
} place of bartered goods to facilitate the trading process". Sorry if
} this is a bit woolly, but you wouldn't believe what some cultures
} use for money! For instance, the Quaalor of Aldebaran IV have a
} currency based on breathing on each other, the smellier your breath,
} the better. You don't want to be without a gasmask when visiting
} their equivalent of the NYSE during a bull market, I can tell you!
} Meanwhile, here on earth, certain Pacific islanders use replicas of
} Prince Philip's penis gourd.
}
} But I digress. The very last ever transaction involving any form of
} money (according to the above definition) will proceed as follows...
}
} The Place: THE PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN
}
} The Time: 23 MINUTES BEFORE THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE
}
} Dramatis Personae: THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY SAINT PETER, KEEPER OF THE
} KEYS SATAN, THE GREAT ADVERSARY SCUMSPAWN, LACKEY TO THE AFOREMENTIONED
} THE COSMONET ORACLE (MY FUTURE INCARNATION)
}
} Peter: Lord, there is one who seeks an audience.
}
} Almighty: Announce him.
}
} Peter: I call on that eternal abomination, fount of all evil,
} father of lies, pestilential stench of every conceivable foulness
} and corruption...
}
} Satan: Oi! Less of the name-calling, if you don't mind! I'm here
} on business.
}
} Almighty: What can I do for you, Lucifer?
}
} Satan: There, see? It doesn't hurt to be polite. Yeah, I'll tell
} you what it is, JH - I've got the cost of readmission to Heaven.
} Renewing my subscription to Paradise, so to speak. It took me ages
} to scrape it together, and all!
}
} Almighty: You have it with you?
}
} Satan: I do. Scumspawn, hand me that plastic carrier bag, if you
} would be so kind.
}
} Scumspawn: At once, my liege.
}
} Satan: Thank you. Here we go, Boss - ten duotrigintillion souls.
} That's a googol to the rest of you. As we agreed, I believe?
}
} Almighty: Indeed so. Welcome back to the fold.
}
} Satan: Thanks. Careful they don't fall out - I had to poke some holes
} in the bag to let the air in.
}
} Peter: I'm not going to have to share my apartment with him, am I?
}
} Almighty: As we're all about to disappear in a puff of leptons in
} sixteen minutes time, I don't think it'll come to that.
}
} Satan: Yeah, so let's hurry it up, shall we? Where's my halo and
} white robe?
}
} (The Almighty beckons some angels to step forward and kit Satan out.)
}
} Satan: There, that's better. How do I look, Scumspawn?
}
} Scumspawn: Well, sire, what with a few white feathers glued to your
} bat wings and your horns poking through that paper halo, you look,
} um... a bit of a pranny, actually.
}
} Satan: Yeah? Well, who asked you anyway?
}
} Scumspawn: You did, great one.
}
} Satan: Bollock I did.
}
} (NB: This was not the last ever payment - bear with me a little
} longer.)
}
} Peter: But, Lord, how are we going to process a googol souls in quarter
} of an hour? They face oblivion without the benefit of salvation!
}
} Satan: Yeah, the joke's on you, Boss, if you don't mind me saying.
} I got back into Heaven for free, because those souls aren't worth
} squat now. Ha ha!
}
} Almighty: Oh, I don't know. Orrie?
}
} Oracle: Yeah?
}
} Almighty: That little wager we had. What was the payout again?
}
} Oracle: Lemme see... With compound interest over 45 billion years,
} umm... say, ten duotrigintillion souls, give or take.
}
} Almighty: That's what I make it too. Here you are.
}
} Oracle: Thanks.
}
} Almighty: I still don't know how you figured it would be the woman
} that picked the apple. I'd have bet my pension on the man - I made
} him especially stupid.
}
} Oracle: That was your mistake. He was too dumb to learn snake language.
}
} Almighty: D'oh!
}
} Satan: So what the Hell do you want with a shedload of used souls?
} You're not even a proper deity!
}
} Oracle: Watch and learn, young man. First, I'll just pour them out
} onto the floor here. Now, could you all please sort yourselves into
} orderly ranks? Come on, come on, we haven't got all day! We haven't
} even got a small fraction of the day. Here, you two - stop lounging
} around and help me arrange these souls.
}
} (Saint Peter and Scumspawn sheepishly help get the souls into
} formation.)
}
} Peter: So what was your name before the Fall?
}
} Scumspawn: Florizel.
}
} Peter: I'd stick with Scumspawn if I was you.
}
} Scumspawn: Yeah, I think I shall.
}
} (The work is finally completed.)
}
} Oracle: Drat! Only 39 seconds left - we're going to have to do this
} without a practice run. Peter, will you hold this sign for me, please?
} A bit straighter... that's it. Okay, now listen everybody! I said,
} listen! On the count of three, I want you all to shout out what's
} written on the sign that Peter's holding, got it? One! And two! And...
}
} Ten duotrigintillion souls: G E O R G E B U S H I S A T W O N K ! ! !
}
} Oracle: (Sigh) It was worth waiting half an eternity just to hear tha
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