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Internet Oracularities #1427

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Internet Oracularities #1427    (37 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2007 16:02:23 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1427
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1427  37 votes 199f3 6bf50 16gd1 268c9 37g83 25c99 02eg5 1569g 7g941 26h93
1427  3.2 mean  3.3   2.5   3.2   3.5   3.0   3.5   3.6   3.9   2.4   3.1


1427-01    (199f3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can God be everywhere or omnipresent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes things like this seem difficult at first. All that's needed
} is a little bit of faith and ingenuity. Try this experiment:
}
} 1. Look underneath your bed. He isn't there, right?
}
} 2. Look behind the fridge. He's not there either.
}
} 3. Apply your faith, and then think--when you're looking behind the
} fridge, He's underneath your bed! You see, He's omnipotent. That means
} He's very good at things like hiding when He doesn't want to play your
} silly games.
}
} You owe the Big Guy three Hail Marys and a Paternoster.


1427-02    (6bf50 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why would Jabba the Hutt like bipedal females?
>
> His attraction should be more of to other slimy, wormlike, obese,
> multiton, bus-sized females.
>
> And Hutts are hermaphrodites.
>
> How could a weak human manage to strangle him/her/it anyway? With that
> kind of physiology, 600 years as a crime mogul should teach you not to
> let that kind of thing happen.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, but then... there was the metal bra to consider.


1427-03    (16gd1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the most number of cockroaches you've seen in your kitchen at
> one time?
>
> I've seen about 20.
>
> Most number of females: 3
>
> Most number of adults: maybe 5-6
>
> Most number of heads touching each other at the same time (of course it
> was about food):4
>
> Least number of legs: 5

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not one to see cockroaches in a kitchen. Now supplicant, I believe
} you have a bit of a health problem. I have supplied you with a test
} to find out.
}
} HEALTH TEST
}
} How many cockroaches have you seen in your kitchen in one time?
}
} A. Over 40.
}
} B. 40-20
}
} C. 19-0
}
} D. Cockroaches in ze kitchen? Nevar! I spit at them! Ptooie!
}
} Have you ever opened your fridge to find that there was more mold on
} your food then there was food?
}
} A. That was mold? I thought it was just extra food!
}
} B. Yeah, I have mold, but not more mold then food.
}
} C. I've found mold at times, but always throw it out immediately.
}
} D. Mold? I bite my thumb at mold! No mold in MY kitchen!
}
} Do you shower often?
}
} A. I removed my shower long ago for a plasma screen. Now I can watch
}    Football without having to wait for halftime!
}
} B. Weekly. But I use deodorant if I start to smell.
}
} C. Daily. I have to keep clean.
}
} D. I shower as much as I brush my teeth. Before and after meals,
}    and on occasion during long meals.
}
} Do all of the health inspectors hide when they see you?
}
} A. Yes, Reg and the guys seem to have a problem with me.
}
} B. I'm not on good terms with them, but they don't walk across the
}    street to avoid me.
}
} C. Health Inspectors are good people! Just talk to one.
}
} D. Foolish englize mahn, I AM ze healf inspectah!
}
} A = 3, B = 2, C = 1, D = 0. Tally up your answers. Add 3 if you had
} to clean the dirt off the screen to finish the letter.
}
} 0-3: You must be a french chef. Or something. Either way, you don't
} need this test.
}
} 4-9: You're a normal human being, not overly obsessively clean,
} but just right.
}
} 10-12: You need a little help, but you're still doing okay. Just wash
} behind the ears and febreze the place a bit and you'll be up to
} standards in no time.
}
} 13-16: You are doing bad. Get up and go clean the place. Try and see
} the floor in most of the rooms. Take a shower. Call in your sister
} or something.
}
} 16+: Radio-active waste cringes at your very presence. You need
} serious help. Call a high class maid service, even if it means giving
} up KFC for a while.


1427-04    (268c9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Thrifty and Affluent,
> pray tell me and enlighten me:
>
> What will be the last payment (in any form of money),
> and what will its receipient do with the proceeds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have taken the liberty of interpreting money as meaning "any form
} of token or object which, although itself valueless, is accepted in
} place of bartered goods to facilitate the trading process". Sorry if
} this is a bit woolly, but you wouldn't believe what some cultures
} use for money! For instance, the Quaalor of Aldebaran IV have a
} currency based on breathing on each other, the smellier your breath,
} the better. You don't want to be without a gasmask when visiting
} their equivalent of the NYSE during a bull market, I can tell you!
} Meanwhile, here on earth, certain Pacific islanders use replicas of
} Prince Philip's penis gourd.
}
} But I digress. The very last ever transaction involving any form of
} money (according to the above definition) will proceed as follows...
}
} The Place: THE PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN
}
} The Time: 23 MINUTES BEFORE THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE
}
} Dramatis Personae: THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY SAINT PETER, KEEPER OF THE
} KEYS SATAN, THE GREAT ADVERSARY SCUMSPAWN, LACKEY TO THE AFOREMENTIONED
} THE COSMONET ORACLE (MY FUTURE INCARNATION)
}
} Peter: Lord, there is one who seeks an audience.
}
} Almighty: Announce him.
}
} Peter: I call on that eternal abomination, fount of all evil,
} father of lies, pestilential stench of every conceivable foulness
} and corruption...
}
} Satan: Oi! Less of the name-calling, if you don't mind! I'm here
} on business.
}
} Almighty: What can I do for you, Lucifer?
}
} Satan: There, see? It doesn't hurt to be polite. Yeah, I'll tell
} you what it is, JH - I've got the cost of readmission to Heaven.
} Renewing my subscription to Paradise, so to speak. It took me ages
} to scrape it together, and all!
}
} Almighty: You have it with you?
}
} Satan: I do. Scumspawn, hand me that plastic carrier bag, if you
} would be so kind.
}
} Scumspawn: At once, my liege.
}
} Satan: Thank you. Here we go, Boss - ten duotrigintillion souls.
} That's a googol to the rest of you. As we agreed, I believe?
}
} Almighty: Indeed so. Welcome back to the fold.
}
} Satan: Thanks. Careful they don't fall out - I had to poke some holes
} in the bag to let the air in.
}
} Peter: I'm not going to have to share my apartment with him, am I?
}
} Almighty: As we're all about to disappear in a puff of leptons in
} sixteen minutes time, I don't think it'll come to that.
}
} Satan: Yeah, so let's hurry it up, shall we? Where's my halo and
} white robe?
}
} (The Almighty beckons some angels to step forward and kit Satan out.)
}
} Satan: There, that's better. How do I look, Scumspawn?
}
} Scumspawn: Well, sire, what with a few white feathers glued to your
} bat wings and your horns poking through that paper halo, you look,
} um... a bit of a pranny, actually.
}
} Satan: Yeah? Well, who asked you anyway?
}
} Scumspawn: You did, great one.
}
} Satan: Bollock I did.
}
} (NB: This was not the last ever payment - bear with me a little
} longer.)
}
} Peter: But, Lord, how are we going to process a googol souls in quarter
} of an hour? They face oblivion without the benefit of salvation!
}
} Satan: Yeah, the joke's on you, Boss, if you don't mind me saying.
} I got back into Heaven for free, because those souls aren't worth
} squat now. Ha ha!
}
} Almighty: Oh, I don't know. Orrie?
}
} Oracle: Yeah?
}
} Almighty: That little wager we had. What was the payout again?
}
} Oracle: Lemme see... With compound interest over 45 billion years,
} umm... say, ten duotrigintillion souls, give or take.
}
} Almighty: That's what I make it too. Here you are.
}
} Oracle: Thanks.
}
} Almighty: I still don't know how you figured it would be the woman
} that picked the apple. I'd have bet my pension on the man - I made
} him especially stupid.
}
} Oracle: That was your mistake. He was too dumb to learn snake language.
}
} Almighty: D'oh!
}
} Satan: So what the Hell do you want with a shedload of used souls?
} You're not even a proper deity!
}
} Oracle: Watch and learn, young man. First, I'll just pour them out
} onto the floor here. Now, could you all please sort yourselves into
} orderly ranks? Come on, come on, we haven't got all day! We haven't
} even got a small fraction of the day. Here, you two - stop lounging
} around and help me arrange these souls.
}
} (Saint Peter and Scumspawn sheepishly help get the souls into
} formation.)
}
} Peter: So what was your name before the Fall?
}
} Scumspawn: Florizel.
}
} Peter: I'd stick with Scumspawn if I was you.
}
} Scumspawn: Yeah, I think I shall.
}
} (The work is finally completed.)
}
} Oracle: Drat! Only 39 seconds left - we're going to have to do this
} without a practice run. Peter, will you hold this sign for me, please?
} A bit straighter... that's it. Okay, now listen everybody!  I said,
} listen! On the count of three, I want you all to shout out what's
} written on the sign that Peter's holding, got it? One!  And two! And...
}
} Ten duotrigintillion souls: G E O R G E B U S H I S A T W O N K ! ! !
}
} Oracle: (Sigh) It was worth waiting half an eternity just to hear tha


1427-05    (37g83 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if like ants have sentience, but it is a form or layer of
> sentience so below that of us, that we cannot even recognize it,
> and those ants see us as deities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa? Look what I have found here...
}
} > What if like ants have sentience, but it is a form or layer of
} > sentience so below that of us, that we cannot even recognize it,
} > and those ants see us as deities?
}
} Hm... looks like those ants in my ant farm have learned how to write!


1427-06    (25c99 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, please answer humble question "What is the meaning
> of life?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. If a living cell has two or three living neighbors, it lives.
}    Fewer, and it dies of loneliness; more, and it dies of overcrowding.
}
} 2. A dead cell comes back to life, if, and only if, it has three
}    living neighbors.
}
} And those are the facts of life.
}
} You owe the Oracle your dictionary, so I can put it to better use.


1427-07    (02eg5 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail, sage Oracle, whose very thoughts weave and unravel whole
> universes just for your own sport.  (And that's just what you get up to
> before breakfast!)
>
> Hear my plea, mighty Oracle, and graciously answer my question.  Why is
> my baby daughter obsessed with buttons?  Buttons on clothes, buttons on
> keyboards and calculators, everything.  Why do they fascinate her so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember your reaction when she hit the powerbutton of your computer?
}
} Well, that's the funniest thing she ever saw.


1427-08    (1569g dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great and cheesy oracle...
>
> cheese is a favourite of mine, and I like it on potatoes.
>
> Could you please give me a simple Potatoes Au Gratin recipe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm glad you asked! I don't often get to tell people this, but I really
} enjoy cooking. In my temple, I have priests and other volunteers that
} take care of almost every chore - but I usually do the cooking myself,
} especially if we're having steak and potatoes. Au Gratin Potatoes is
} one of my favorite side dishes, and I've even been known to add some
} beef and turn it into a main course! That recipe doesn't have a name,
} though.
}
} But I digress. You wanted a recipe, and you shall have one! There are
} literally millions of different recipes for Potatoes Au Gratin. That's
} because "au gratin" is more-or-less French for "with cheese." So any
} recipe that combines potatoes with cheese can be-
}
} } I knew that. But do you have a simple recipe?
}
} *Sigh.* Yes, of course; you don't want the history, just a recipe.
} Okay. Here's one of my favorites:
}
} Cheesy Potatoes Au Gratin
} -------------------------
} The ingredients are:
}    1 pound of Idaho Potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced.
}      (that's about 2 very large potatoes)
}    4 ounces of Cheddar Cheese (grated or shredded)
}    3/4 cup Heavy Cream
}    Salt, Pepper, Garlic Powder, and Onion Powder to taste
} First, preheat your oven to 400 degrees.
} Lightly grease a medium gratin dish with butter.
} Cover the bottom of the pan with an overlapping layer of potatoes.
} Lightly season with the salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder,
} and top it with a sprinkling (about 2 tablespoons) of cheese. Then make
} another layer of potatoes, seasoning and cheese, and then another,
} until you've used all of the potatoes; be sure to keep some cheese for
} the top layer.
} Now pour the cream over the potatoes; press lightly with your hands to
} cover the potatoes with cream.
} Cover the dish with aluminum foil and bake until the cheese is absorbed
} into the potatoes and the potatoes are tender when pierced with a knife
} (this takes about 50 minutes).
} Remove the foil and bake about 10 more minutes, until the mixture is
} bubbly and the top is golden brown.
} Remove from the oven and let it rest at least 10 minutes before
} serving.
}
} } Wow.
}
} Sounds great, huh?
}
} } Um... it's probably delicious, but...
}
} But?
}
} } I wanted a SIMPLE recipe.
}
} What's so complicated? The layers?
}
} } I guess so.
}
} Okay, okay. Don't worry; I have others. Let me think... Ah! I have
} another fine recipe.
}
} Recipe #2: Potatoes Gratin
} --------------------------
}    3 1/4-pound Potatoes
}    1/3 cup Gruyere Cheese, shredded
}    3 cups Chicken Broth, or Vegetable Broth
}    1/2 teaspoon Ground Nutmeg
}    1/2 teaspoon Freshly Ground Black Pepper
} First, preheat your oven to 425 degrees.
} Peel potatoes and cut into 1/8" slices.
} Put the potatoes into a casserole and shake to settle potatoes down.
} Mix broth and spices and pour over potatoes.
} Bake until potatoes are very tender (1 to 1 1/2 hours).
} As potatoes get dry on top, tilt casserole and baste with broth.
} Sprinkle potatoes evenly with cheese and bake until cheese melts.
} Let casserole sit 5 to 10 minutes to allow juice to soak into potatoes.
}
} } Oh my.
}
} Better, huh? No layers.
}
} } Yeah, but...
}
} What's wrong now?
}
} } It still seems like a lot of work... you have to keep basting it!
}
} Not simple enough, huh?
}
} } Have you got something even simpler?
}
} Sure I do. In most of my potato recipes, once you start baking you
} don't have to do anything until it's almost done. Here's another fine
} recipe:
}
} Recipe #3: Au Gratin Potatoes
} -----------------------------
}    5 cups (about 5 medium) peeled, sliced, raw potatoes
}    1 cup shredded cheddar
}    1/2 cup freshly grated parmesan cheese
}    1/4 cup butter or margarine
}    1/4 cup flour
}    1/2 tsp. salt
}    2 cups milk
}    1/4 cup dry bread crumbs
}    1 Tbs. melted butter or margarine
} First, preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
} In a medium saucepan, melt margarine, stir in flour and salt.
} Add milk and cook until mixture boils and thickens, stirring
} constantly. Stir in cheeses and potatoes.
} Pour into a 2 qt casserole or individual casserole dishes.
} Combine bread crumbs and melted margarine/butter, sprinkle over
} potatoes.
} Bake covered for 1 to 1 1/2 hours or until bubbly and potatoes tender.
} Garnish with chopped chives if desired.
}
} } But it's still a lot of work!
}
} Which part - adding the chopped chives? You can skip that step.
}
} } No, not that... just... well, you have to cook the sauce first, and
} } then there's still more cooking.
}
} So you'd prefer to have only one step that involves heating anything
} up?
}
} } Yeah. Do you have anything like that?
}
} Of course I do. Like I say, there are millions of different recipes -
} and since I'm omniscient, I know them all. Here's one that's not as
} tasty, but it's very simple to make:
}
} Recipe #4: Parmesan Potato Gratin
} ---------------------------------
}    4 large russet potatoes peeled and thinly sliced
}    6 tablespoons freshly grated parmesan cheese
}    1 teaspoon salt
}    1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
}    1 large clove garlic finely chopped
}    1-1/2 cups chicken stock
} Preheat oven to 400.
} Lightly grease oval gratin dish and arrange a layer of potatoes on
} bottom.
} Sprinkle with salt, pepper, 1/3 garlic and 2 tablespoons cheese.
} Repeat twice more and pour over stock.
} Bake until potatoes are tender, about 45 minutes.
}
} } It seems like in every one of these recipes you have to slice
} } potatoes!
}
} Well, yeah. These recipes are for POTATOES Au Gratin, right?
}
} } But I remember when my mom used to make them, the potatoes were
} } already... um...
}
} Some of my recipes use pre-packaged hash browns, instead of fresh
} potatoes.
}
} } Yeah! That's a good idea.
}
} Okay, here's one you might like.
}
} Recipe #5: Potato Au Gratin
} ---------------------------
}    1 pkg of hash browns
}    2 cups grated cheddar cheese
}    1/2 cup margarine
}    1 can cream of chicken soup, undiluted
}    2 cups sour cream
}    2 tbsp onion or onion flakes
}    1 tsp pepper
} Preheat oven to 350.
} Melt margarine in a bowl in the microwave.
} Remove and add soup and sour cream and blend well.
} Stir in onion, pepper and cheese.
} Fold in hash browns until well mixed.
} Put in greased 9 x 13 baking dish and bake for 1 hour.
} Make sure hash browns are cooked in center.
} Can be made ahead and frozen.
}
} } An hour?
}
} Yes...
}
} } Have you got anything that cooks quicker?
}
} Why don't you ask your mom for her recipe?
}
} } She thinks I can't make potatoes without her help. I want to prove
} } something to her.
}
} Okay, fine. Here's one that cooks in 35 to 40 minutes:
}
} Recipe #6: Au Gratin Taters
} ---------------------------
}    2 pounds frozen hash browns - partially thawed
}    4 oz. cheddar cheese
}    2 sticks of butter (1/2 pound)
}    2 cups-
}
} } Wait a minute. 40 minutes? Haven't you got anything that cooks in
} } 20 minutes or less?
}
} *Sigh.* Of course I do. Okay, here we go.
}
} Recipe #7: Au Gratin Potatoes
} -----------------------------
}    4 cups peeled and thinly sliced potatoes
}    1 cup-
}
} } "Thinly sliced potatoes?"
}
} Whoops. My mistake. Okay, let me think for a minute.
}
} When you say you want a "simple" recipe, you mean:
}    1) You don't want to slice any potatoes
}    2) You don't want to have different layers
}    3) You don't want to have two different heating steps
}    4) It has to cook in 20 minutes or less
} Right?
}
} } Yeah! Have you got anything like that?
}
} I sure do, if you don't need "gourmet" quality.
}
} Recipe #8: Betty Crocker Potatoes Au Gratin
} -------------------------------------------
}    1 package Betty Crocker Potatoes Au Gratin
}    1/4 stick of butter or margarine
}    1 cup milk
} Combine all ingredients (except the cardboard) into a casserole dish.
} Cook at 375 degrees for 20 minutes.
}
} } Perfect! Hey, I think that's the same recipe my mom uses!
} } Thanks, Oracle! You're fantastic!
}
} I knew we'd get there eventually.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "simple recipe" for lasagna (no boiling noodles,
} no different layers, only one heating step, 20 minutes or less) that
} doesn't need an oven or a microwave, and doesn't involve anything
} frozen.


1427-09    (7g941 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh infinite level Oracle, whose orcs never drop useless stuff!
>
> What would a Britney Spears/Mozart crossover be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Would still have eleven years left, but the music would be missing.


1427-10    (26h93 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to know about the rules of politeness and adequate.
>
> When my boss is talking to a customer, it's not polite
> to interrupt for any reason except maybe his hair is on
> fire, right?
>
> And if my boss is standing in my way when I'm trying to
> rush around doing the stuff he told me to get done by
> noon, I should say, "Excuse me, please, could you let me
> by?" rather than just rudely pushing him out of the way,
> right?
>
> What should I do when I'm working on the rush order for
> our important customer, Hugh Huge, and my boss is standing
> in the corridor talking to Mr. Huge? Their combined bulk
> makes it impossible for me to get past. Here are the
> methods I've thought of:
>
> 1. Push through.
> 2. Say, "EXCUSE ME, I'm working on a special order for Mr. Huge!"
> 3. Sit on the floor until they notice me.
> 4. Whimper, ditto.
> 5. Flap my arms until I can fly over them.
>
> Is there some other technique I've overloonked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're a hard worker, Supplicant, but you lack imagination!
}
} 1) run around with your arms outstretched on either side of you.  Make
} plane noises.  "Fly" towards Hugh.  If he moves, great, you got
} through.  If he doesn't, crash into him and say, while looking at your
} boss, "well, we survived.  But now we'll likely need to eat each other
} to stay alive."
}
} 2) Tussle your hair, walk towards them with a limp and a glazed look
} in your eye, all the while moaning.  "Braaaiinns."
}
} 3)  Hold a fake gun (thumb and forefinger would do in a pinch) to your
} head.  Walk towards them, shouting, "Move it now or this employee gets
} it!" (a la Blazing Saddles).
}
} 4) Create a distraction by throwing your cubicle neighbor out the
} window.
}
} 5)  Ride up to them on an imaginary horse (use coconuts for sound
} effects if you have the means), and demand passage "Or you'll have
} your leg"
}
} 6)  Getting a fishing pole.  Tie a donut on the end of the fishing
} string.  Cast for bloated trout in their direction.
}
} You owe the Oracle (Incarnated in derFletchMeister) a red stapler.


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