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Internet Oracularities #1428

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Internet Oracularities #1428    (37 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2007 09:36:12 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1428
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1428  37 votes 79b91 18db4 8h723 19f75 1879c 11ja6 17c7a 138fa 03ec8 3b8a5
1428  3.3 mean  2.7   3.2   2.3   3.2   3.6   3.5   3.5   3.8   3.7   3.1


1428-01    (79b91 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this real? Note that the little guy could probably get his head bit
> off by the big one.
>
> http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/07_01/TallSmall2AP_468x391.jpg

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, it's for real, all right.  We had to tweak Yoda a tad to make him
} look a little less ... unusual, but he's shaped up to be a great
} basketball coach.  Apparently, there's no NBA rule against levitating
} the ball, although doing it to the opposition players is considered a
} foul.
}
} You own the Oracle some massage lotion for a cricked neck.


1428-02    (18db4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most beamish Oracle, please enlighten this, your
> humble supplicant!
>
> We recently received with a shipment of hardware,
> one thousand unwanted CDs -- a hundred packages of ten,
> none of which we can use, since all we need is the
> registered license off the box cover.
>
> What should we do with a thousand useless CDs?
> <N>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Repackage and sell them as Britteny Spears albums. No one will notice.


1428-03    (8h723 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> IM' CHARGIN MY LAZOR!!
>
> SHOOP-DA-WHOOP!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whooped this time for sure.
}
} You owe the Oracle a
}
} lower
} case


1428-04    (19f75 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Kirk to Enterprise. Beam me up, Scotty."
>
> "In a second, Captain. I've got to scroll through all the make-money
> ads first."
>
> What if the International Space Station ran on Windows?
>
> NOOOO! I WANT TO LIVE!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has a confession to make.
}
} It's all my fault, well, me, Bacchus, and Loki to be precise.
}
} We'd been helping Bacchus move into his new digs, and then he'd
} done the old water-into-wine trick, and we sat around drinking and
} shooting the breeze...  Long story short, the topic of Mortals came
} up, and how they'd cope with Omniscience, so for a bet we picked a
} Mortal at random and gave him The Gift.
}
} Poor old Gene Roddenberry never knew what hit him. His puny Mortal
} brain just couldn't cope with all that information, and some primitive
} defense mechanisms cut in to discard 95% of what was received, the
} remaining 5% was hopelessly garbled.
}
} The bet settled, we withdrew The Gift a few seconds later, and
} Roddenberry was left with confused fragmentary memories of his vision
} of the Operating Systems Wars of the early 21st century. These became
} the basis for the Star Trek series...
}
} The Federation with its slick, user-friendly technology represened
} Macintosh owners.  The cool, logical, technologically advanced
} Vulcans of course represented Linux users.  And the Windows users,
} with their inelegant technology which never seemed to work properly,
} and left them in a constant state of rage, became the Klingons.
}
} You  owe The Oracle a tribble sandwich.


1428-05    (1879c dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Orrie, do you ever get the feeling that if the person you love
> absolutely and more than anything else in the world dies, and you then
> meet someone else you love just as much, you'll only be 1/the square
> root of 2, or 70% as happy as before?
>
>  And if you thought you couldn't possibly love a person more, and then
> meet someone else you love just as much, your capacity to love will
> only be increased to the square root of 2, or 1.41 times?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know what they say:  the only thing better than a theory is a
} theorem.
}
} TIO's Theorem on the Quanitfication of Love*
} Let Q be a rational number both less than and greater than zero.  Let L
} be your ability to love.  Let S be the set of people you love,
} represented as fractions where the numerator is how much you love them
} and the denominator is zero if they are dead, or 1 if they are alive.
} But fractions are not defined if the denominator is zero, so they must
} all be alive.  Hmm.  Okay, let S2 be the set of all corpses you love.
} You sick freak.  Let X, Y, and Z, be real numbers.  Let M be a
} non-negative integer, N be a whole number, and O be either a positive
} integer or zero.  Let C be a cat.  C will play no further part in this
} theorem.  Let A, B, and C be either cardinal numbers greater than the
} continuum or rational numbers between nullity and unity, such that when
} you perform a highly contrived series of operations you get nine, the
} original number, and your secret card, respectively.  Let p and q be
} small mirrors, not visible to the reader of this proof.  Let epsilon be
} a number greater than zero.  Let lambda be a number less than zero.
} Let capitol gamma be a triangle with at least two sides not equal.  Let
} her go.  Let either R or L be a mysterious but tragic character from a
} children's book.  Let both F and F' be functions.  Suppose A is a
} cigar.  Suppose H is any horse.  But Q is both less and greater than
} zero, which is a contradiction, therefore A is not a cigar.  A horse is
} not a cigar, so suppose A=C.  Close, but no cigar.   So H is not a
} horse.  A horse can neigh, but this is not a horse, so let me say nay.
}
} *The oracle would offer a precise formula as well, but this footnote is
} too small to contain it.
}
} You owe the oracle an invitation to either lawsuit (assuming you're
} providing a catered dinner for all your guests).  I'm sick of all these
} weddings.


1428-06    (11ja6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@roadrunner.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, so now they're making the spoofed email headers from tommorrow,
> rather than the usual 2036 or next year, thinking I'm too stupid to
> notice.
>
> Did the ancients have an equivalent for spam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CARVS MARCVS
} SVM IBI IN AFRICA SINE PECVNIA.
} NVNC DONA ET MITTA MIHI SISTERCES DCCXL AD AGENTVM NOMINE GVIDO IN
} PALERMO.
}
} AMATA TIBI
} CLEO


1428-07    (17c7a dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Stultifying Oracle, your answers remind me that I do not know what to
> think of them.
>
> My preacher says that in some far off place there is a well so holy
> that if dead people drink from it they get better. My girlfriend left
> me and my dog died. Where is the well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha, so that's why the cat's had so little luck catching the birds in
} my birdbath.  Where did I make Zadoc fill this again?
}
} Only a fool would assume that you were trying to make your dog drink
} from this well, which is clearly impossible.  It's already dead so you
} can't even lead it to water, let alone make it drink.  However, I
} notice you mention your girlfriend, which wouldn't be relevant in that
} case. Thinking well of my supplicants, I'll assume you're relevant in
} your question.  I could deduce, and then redundantly confirm through
} omniscience your actual plan.  That would be less fun.  Let us
} contemplate possible plans and their pros and cons.
}
} Plan:  Commit suicide, and then you can visit if you ever change your
} mind.
} Pros:  Entering heaven (ignoring suicide issues), you might become less
} depressed.  Alternatively, it might be so mind-numbingly dull you'd do
} anything to leave.  A win-win situation.
} Cons: Plan is dubious, unless well is in heaven as well as earth, and
} why would you be contemplating suicide if heaven is earth?
}
} Plan:  Assuming their existence, become a zombie/vampire, lead all other
} zombies/vampires in a cult suicide, and then return self to life.
} Pros:  Rids the world of undead, return world-renowned champion, avoid
} nasty kool-aid.
} Cons:  Undead is a clear rephrasing of "life", and thus well is unlikely
} to work.  Your book about the subject would be deemed unoriginal and
} sell badly.  This plan would probably not appeal to said girlfriend.
}
} Plan:  Drink from the well in hopes that it will make you so vibrantly
} alive your girlfriend will take you back.
} Pros:  Could additionally return life to certain other areas that may
} have accelerated breakup.
} Cons:  Drinking from pools in hopes of positive random effects ring any
} danger bells?
}
} Plan:  Put your girlfriend in danger, raise her to life after.
} Pros:  Girlfriend will be thankful to her savior for the rest of her
} life.
} Cons:  There's a good risk she'll be saved by a superhero first and
} never commit.  Also, depending on religious sect, does your preacher
} have an ideal girlfriend?
}
} Plan:  Revenge on girlfriend via army of raised soldiers.
} Pros:  Girlfriend unlikely to raise counterarmy.
} Cons:  Quartering soldiers is illegal in the United States.  Food and
} housing have to come from somewhere (unless you're REALLY heartless).
} Also, high risk of maniacal laughter.
}
} Plan:  Restore your girlfriend's long-lost brother/great-aunt/parakeet
} to live
} Pros:  This one might win over your girlfriend without making you live
} in eternal guilt.
} Cons:  Long-lost means there's probably not much left to make drink.
}
} Plan:  Restore your dog to life, and win a showdog competition.
} Pros:  Chicks totally dig cute dogs.
} Cons:  Your dog is unlikely to be cute after being physically dragged
} around, deceased, to "far away", dropped down a well, and brought back
} to life (to say nothing of the fleas).  Similarly, your dog is unlikely
} to win the dog show.
}
} Overall, it seems like your best bet is to bury your dog like a normal
} person and move on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of Milford, Ohio.


1428-08    (138fa dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever heard of origami being called powerful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course! Come with me, and I'll show you the secret power of...
}
} *CLONK!*
}
}  > Ow! What the hell was that?
}
} That was the power of origami!
}
}  > You hit me with a rolled-up newspaper!
}
} A *folded*-up newspaper, thank you.
}
}  > But that's not what origami is!
}
} Sure it is. That's what the word means: fold, paper.
}
}  > But it... you're supposed to use only one piece of paper!
}
} Oh, fine. One piece. Watch.
}
} *slash!*
}
}  > Aargh!
}
} What now?
}
}  > You gave me a paper cut!
}
} So? Oh, right, you wanted it folded first. There.
}
} *slish!*
}
}  > Hey! Stop that!
}
} Do you want me to show you the power of origami or not?
}
}  > That's not what it is! You're supposed to fold it into special
}  > shapes, not assault me with it.
}
} Then I shall show you a paper masterpiece, a truly powerful work of
} art... there!
}
}  > That's a paper plane. Any five-year-old can do that.
}
} *poke!*
}
}  > Will you stop that!
}
} No pleasing you, is there? Okay, I'll make something that will shut you
} up for good. Just need to fold it like so... all done!
}
}  > It's just a ball. What's so great about--
}
} *stuff!*
}
}  > Mmph! Mmmmph! Cmmnf brfff!
}
} And there you have the power of origami.
}
} *thump!*
}
} You owe the Oracle a thousand cranes. Not the paper sort.


1428-09    (03ec8 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Filmed at over half million frames per second, here is a snapshot of
} the roadrunner. Note the relativistic effects.


1428-10    (3b8a5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you, kind supplicant.
}
} You cannot know how pleased I am to receive a question that does not
} contain insults, tests of the Oracle's ability, false and insincere
} grovellings, or woodchucks.
}
} You also cannot get an answer unless you ask a question with something
} actually in it.


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