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Internet Oracularities #1429

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1429, 1429-01, 1429-02, 1429-03, 1429-04, 1429-05, 1429-06, 1429-07, 1429-08, 1429-09, 1429-10


Internet Oracularities #1429    (35 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 00:03:09 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1429
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1429  35 votes 28bb3 436bb 556c7 05i93 17ga1 4bb63 3298d 68786 15h84 44b97
1429  3.3 mean  3.1   3.6   3.3   3.3   3.1   2.8   3.7   3.0   3.3   3.3


1429-01    (28bb3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is a "cute mute".
}
} I'll take Rhyme Time for $5000, Alex.


1429-02    (436bb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Ancient Wisest One whose very mind
> encloses all our thoughts and every hope,
> thou shapes the worlds and thou all futures bind,
> yet suffereth the emo yet to mope,
> Who art eternal, bound by naught but thy
> own character, unchanging throughout time,
> who clasps the chaos of temporal cries,
> and all dimensions twists to thy own rhyme.
> Tis thee alone who knows the origin
> of flowing time, yea, and who knows its end,
> who weaves the worlds in tapestries within
> the whorls of ways that only thou canst wend,
> now harken then to my own fickle cry,
> and speak thy words to one whose time must fly.
>
> What's the average response time on these tellme's, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends where you are.
}
} Here at Oracle Central(tm), we typically spend anywhere from 100
} nanoseconds to 5 milliseconds calculating the reply to any question
} we receive. Since the queue depth varies from 0 to 250 messages,
} the total lag time between receiving the question and sending the
} completed reply can vary from 100 nanoseconds to well over a second -
} but the average, I'm proud to say, is only 7.2 milliseconds.
}
} Of course, this doesn't mean that you're ever going to get a response
} 7.2 milliseconds after you press the "SEND" button on your E-mail
} program. There are several things that have to happen after you
} press "SEND" before the message is actually received here at Oracle
} Central(tm), and several other things that happen after the reply is
} completed before you receive the response. All of these things are
} beyond our control:
}
} 1.  Your local E-mail program has to stuff your sent message into it's
}     "OUTBOX". The amount of time taken for this step depends on the
}     speed of your processor and hard disk.
}
} 2.  Your local E-mail program has to connect to your ISP (Internet
}     Service Provider)'s E-mail system. The amount of time taken for
}     this step depends on the type of connection you use, which ISP you
}     use, what time of day it is, and 20 other factors - none of which
}     are controlled by either you or me.
}
} 3.  Your ISP has to determine who the message is from (you), validate
}     your password, and decide whether or not you're allowed to send
}     E-mail (if your mailbox is full, or you haven't paid your bill, it
}     might not let the message through).
}
} 4.  Your ISP has to decide which computer is supposed to receive the
}     message (cs.indiana.edu), and figure out how to route a message
}     there.
}
} 5.  Your ISP has to connect to cs.indiana.edu and request permission to
}     transmit an E-mail message.
}
} 6.  Your ISP has to actually transmit the e-mail message.
}
} 7.  Our computer has to process the e-mail message and recognize the
}     "tellme" request.
}
} 8.  Our computer has to decide which priest is available to screen the
}     message.
}
} 9.  Our priest has to realize that a tellme is waiting to be processed.
}
} 10. Our priest has to finish whatever he/she is already doing - which
}     might involve finishing their current meal, flushing a toilet, or
}     possibly even putting their clothes back on.
}
} 11. Our priest has to click the "receive" button to download the
}     tellme.
}
} 12. Optionally, our priest has to read the tellme and determine that it
}     is appropriate. Most of the time they skip this step (you will
}     notice that cruddy tellme's still get through - priests rarely pay
}     attention to what they say).
}
} 13. Our priest has to consult the incarnation list (generated from both
}     askme's and tellme's), and select the next vict- I mean, the next
}     lucky incarnation.
}
} 14. Our priest has to click the "SEND" button to forward the tellme to
}     the - um - lucky incarnation.
}
} 15. Our local E-mail program has to stuff the message into it's
}     "OUTBOX".
}
} 16. Our local E-mail program has to connect to our ISP.
}
} 17. Our local ISP has to determine who the message is from (us),
}     validate our password, and decide that we are allowed to send
}     E-mail.
}
} 18. Our local ISP has to connect to the ISP of the chosen incarnation
}     and request permission to transmit an E-mail message.
}
} 19. Our local ISP has to actually transmit the e-mail message.
}
} 20. The incarnation's ISP has to save the E-mail message in local
}     storage.
}
} 21. The incarnation has to turn on his/her computer.
}
} 22. The incarnation has to log on to his/her computer.
}
} 23. The incarnation has to start up their E-mail program.
}
} 24. The incarnation has to connect to the Internet through their local
}     ISP.
}
} 25. The incarnation's ISP has to decide to allow the incarnation to
}     connect to the Internet.
}
} 26. The incarnation has to click the "RECEIVE" or "DOWNLOAD" button on
}     their E-mail program.
}
} 27. The incarnation's ISP has to check if there is any mail waiting to
}     be received.
}
} 28. The incarnation's ISP has to load the message from local storage.
}
} 29. The incarnation's ISP has to transmit the message to the
}     incarnation's local computer.
}
} 30. The incarnation's computer has to acknowledge that the message has
}     been received.
}
} 31. The incarnation has to disconnect from the Internet
}
} 32. The incarnation has to click on the message header, to read the
}     message.
}
} 33. The incarnation has to read the message. (For some indecipherable
}     messages, this can take a LONG time.)
}
} * * *  Here's the step we're proud of  * * *
} 34. The incarnation has to formulate a reply - on average, this takes
}     7.2 milliseconds.
} * * * That was the step we're proud of * * *
}
} 35. The incarnation has to press the "REPLY" button.
}
} 36. The incarnation has to type the reply into their E-mail program.
}     For long replies (for instance, if there's a numbered list of steps
}     that goes from 1 to 71), this can take a LONG time.
}
} 36. The incarnation ought to read the reply, to double-check that it
}     was typed correctly - and if any errors are found, fix them. (For
}     many incarnations, this step is skipped; you will notice that
}     cruddy answers are not at all rare.)
}
} 37. The incarnation can choose to include a phrase such as "Incarnated
}     by AllanW" (or just [AllanW]) if he has a big ego.
}
} 38. The incarnation has to press the SEND button.
}
} 39. The incarnation's E-mail program has to stuff the reply message
}     into it's "OUTBOX".
}
} 40. The incarnation's E-mail program has to connect to an ISP (Internet
}     Service Provider)'s E-mail system.
}
} 41. The incarnation's ISP has to determine who the message is from,
}     validate the password, and decide whether or not to allow the
}     E-mail.
}
} 42. The incarnation's ISP has to decide which computer is supposed to
}     receive the message (cs.indiana.edu), and figure out how to route a
}     message there.
}
} 43. The incarnation's ISP has to connect to cs.indiana.edu and request
}     permission to transmit an E-mail message.
}
} 44. The incarnation's ISP has to actually transmit the e-mail message.
}
} 45. Our computer has to process the e-mail message and recognize the
}     "answer" request.
}
} 46. Our computer has to decide which priest is available to screen the
}     message.
}
} 47. Our priest has to realize that an answer is waiting to be
}     processed.
}
} 48. Our priest has to finish whatever he/she is already doing - which
}     might involve finishing their current meal, flushing a toilet, or
}     possibly even putting their clothes back on.
}
} 49. Our priest has to click the "receive" button to download the
}     answer.
}
} 50. Optionally, our priest has to read the answer and determine that it
}     is appropriate. Most of the time they skip this step (you will
}     notice that cruddy answers still get through, even if they're MIME
}     formatted - priests rarely pay attention to what it says).
}
} 51. Our priest has to look up which supplicant sent the question in the
}     first place.
}
} 52. Our priest has to click the "SEND" button to forward the answer to
}     the original supplicant.
}
} 53. Our local E-mail program has to stuff the message into it's
}     "OUTBOX".
}
} 54. Our local E-mail program has to connect to our ISP.
}
} 55. Our local ISP has to determine who the message is from (us),
}     validate our password, and decide that we are allowed to send
}     E-mail.
}
} 56. Our local ISP has to connect to your ISP and request permission to
}     transmit an E-mail message.
}
} 57. Our local ISP has to actually transmit the e-mail message.
}
} 58. Your ISP has to save the E-mail message in local storage.
}
} 59. You have to turn on your computer.
}
} 60. You have to log on to your computer.
}
} 61. You have to start up your E-mail program.
}
} 62. You have to connect to the Internet through your local ISP.
}
} 63. Your ISP has to decide to allow you to connect to the Internet.
}
} 64. You have to click the "RECEIVE" or "DOWNLOAD" button on your E-mail
}     program.
}
} 65. Your ISP has to check if there is any mail waiting to be received.
}
} 66. Your ISP has to load the message from local storage.
}
} 67. Your ISP has to transmit the message to your local computer.
}
} 68. Your computer has to acknowledge that the message has been
}     received.
}
} 69. You have to disconnect from the Internet
}
} 70. You have to click on the message header, to read the message.
}
} 71. You have to read the message. (For some indecipherable answers,
}     this can take a LONG time.)
}
} [Incarnated as AllanW - yes, I have a big ego.]
}
} Some of these steps can take anywhere from 1 second to 1 week to
} complete. And if any one of these steps go wrong, the answer could get
} garbled or completely f#$9p87@@@@@@~@@@
} NO CARRIER


1429-03    (556c7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You and your wife, I understand, had twin baby daughters yesterday and
} now you want to know whether that's what you really you ordered. You
} do not remember whether you asked for daughters or sons, so you want
} to make sure. After all, it was 9 months ago when you ordered. These
} storks take a while. You are indeed very forgetful in other, more
} important matters as well. For instance, you have forgotten to tie
} your shoe laces today. And you forgot to speak to your Oracle in
} proper humble tones. Being a generous Oracle I am, and you being a new
} father, I will be lenient and answer your question.
}
} Luckily, International Stork and Cabbage corporation keeps very good
} records. Unluckily I hear ISC has notoriously difficult customer
} service. Your Oracle will make the attempt. I know how to handle these
} things. I know how to talk to them, asking clear questions and using a
} calm, gentle, but authoritative voice. It should only take a few
} minutes.
}
} *dial the number on the Oracle Phone*
}
} Phone: Welcome to the International Stork and Cabbage Customer Service.
}
} Oracle: Hello, I am the Internet Oracle. I would like to--
}
} Phone: All our lines are busy right now. There are 170134 people ahead
} of you in the queue. Please consider calling us at another time.
}
} Oracle: Oh shoot.
}
} *click*
}
} I will use mastery of time and space to pick a less busy time and try
} again. Let's travel forward in time!
}
} *ZAPP*
}
} *dial again*
}
} Phone: Welcome to the International Stork and Cabbage Customer
} Service. All our lines are busy right now. There are 21534 people
} ahead of you in the queue. Please consider calling us at another time.
}
} Oracle: That's even more! Okay, I'm going to wait this time.
}
} Phone: Your call is very important to us. Please wait.
}
} Oracle: I'll handle some email while I'm waiting... Put it on speaker
} phone so I can type... Let's see.
}
} Phone: *Muzak*
}
} Oracle: Argh, why do they even play music through a phone line? It's
} not going to be anything but horrible even if it were good music!
} Anyway.. back to email...
}
} Oracle: Hmmm.. no grovel... All right, I'm going to answer him anyway.
} Yes, the laser death cannon is the best investment.. Da dum.. Da dum
} da dam.. Ah, an easy one. It was the other rabbit that was the
} murderer...
}
} Phone: This is International Stork and Cabbage. Thank you for waiting.
}
} Oracle: Ah, finally. Look, I'm the Internet Oracle and I--
}
} Phone: Unfortunately there are still 21507 people ahead in the queue.
} Your call is VERY important to us. Please wait.
}
} Oracle: *grumble*.
}
} Phone: *music*
}
} Oracle: Okay, next email. Let's see...Mmm... Sorry madam, but that's a
} question for Bill Cosby, not the Oracle.... Forwarded. Next. Mmmm
} mmmm. Hey, wow, this one has a proper grovel. "I am certain you will
} be surprised to recive this mail from me, indeed, I sincerely
} apologize for the embarrassment this might cause you." Good and old
} fashioned. It brings a smile to my face. "However, I wish to state,
} that it is sincerely necessitated by my present plight and I pray you
} will readily be of tremendous assistance." It's okay, I answer
} questions every day. An interesting Nigerian business offer... Yes, Mr
} BENJAMIN MABUKO, I will gladly wire the required advance fee to any
} Western Union branch you may require. Yes, my dear supplicant, I know
} it is a scam. It just amuses me to support them. Dadum dadum.. Ah,
} there is Madam ABACHA again. She too will received the required funds.
} What's this? ARGHHH W*dch*k question! ZZZZZOT! Next...
}
} Phone: This is International Stork and Cabbage. Thank you for waiting.
} We really care about your call. There are still 21508 people ahead in
} the queue.
}
} Oracle: That's one more than last time! What's this? Someone is
} cutting in ahead of me? Let's see, what was that code again? Ah, yes.
} *enter code on phone*
}
} Phone: This is Echelon Backdoor, revision 47A.
}
} Oracle: YES!
}
} Phone: Press 1 to listen in on conversations. Press 2 to examine or
} manipulate the queue. Press 3 to fire the orbital--*beep* You have
} selected 2: examine or manipulate the queue. Press 1 to jump ahead in
} the queue. Press 2 to examine the queue. Press 3 to--*beep* You have
} selected 2: examine the queue. Press 1 to see who is in the queue.
} Press 2 to get the total queue length. Press 3 if you want to go
} back--*beep* You have selected 1: see who is in the queue. Please
} enter the number in the queue you want to examine and then #.
}
} Oracle: Let's test this thing. *21509#*
}
} Phone: Number -- 21509 -- in the queue is: the Internet Oracle. Press
} 1 to contact, press 2 to select another queue entry--
}
} Oracle: Pretty good! Now to see who cut ahead... *21508#*
}
} Phone: Number -- 21508 -- in the queue is: caveman Og. Press 1 to
} contact, press--
}
} Oracle: WHAT!? Let's see what he wants?
}
} Phone: *beep* You selected 1: contact caveman Og. Please wait.
}
} Oracle: This is International Stork and Cabbage, I'm Peggy, how may I
} help you?
}
} Phone: Og speak. Og want know why baby head shaped wrong.
}
} Oracle: Shaped wrong, sir?
}
} Phone: Yes, Og see baby head all big and round. Normal head flat and
} smaller. Og worry.
}
} Oracle: Oh,  that's just human evolution. Probably homo sapiens.
}
} Phone: Og not understand.
}
} Oracle: We're always improving our systems for better customer
} satisfaction, sir. Due to improvement in our transportation technology
} storks drop babies on the head almost 79 percent less than before.
} This explains the different shape.
}
} Phone: Og understand. Og will bounce babies after delivery to make head
} normal.
}
} Oracle: May I ask you a question for customer research reasons, sir?
}
} Phone: Og ok.
}
} Oracle: Did you do something special when you dialed us?
}
} Phone: Yes, Og one night got drunk with Oracle, and Oracle gave very
} secret code for phones. Og now use code all the time.
}
} Oracle: What? I did?--*cough* I mean, sir, a code?
}
} Phone: Og will share code for helping Og with question. Code is--
}
} Oracle: Uhh. That will be all right sir. Thank you and good bye!
}
} Phone: *beep* you selected--
}
} Oracle: let's get this over with...
}
} Phone: *beep* you selected--*beep*You selected queue manipulation.
} Press 1 to jump ahead to the front of the queue. Press--*beep* You are
} now number -- 1 -- in the queue.
}
} Oracle: Finally!
}
} Phone: This is International Stork and Cabbage.
}
} Oracle: Finally! Now, I have a question about--
}
} Phone: There are 28887 people ahead of you in the queue. Please wait.
} We really care about you and your question!
}
} Oracle: What?! This is queue is crazy. It goes back and forth... Let's
} do some more time travel. Should've done it a long time ago. *ZAPP*
}
} Phone: -- 27999 people-- *ZAPP* -- 267123 -- *ZAPP* -- 24158 -- *ZAPP*
}
} Oracle: now we're getting somewhere...
}
} Phone: There are 21712 -- *ZAPP*  -- 31444 --
}
} Oracle: What? Increasing again? Reverse timeflow! *PPAZ*
}
} Phone: 11711 -- *PPAZ* -- 7718 -- *PPAZ* -- 9221 --
}
} Oracle: No you don't! *ZAPP*
}
} Phone: 513 -- *ZAPP* -- 42 -- *ZAPP* -- 12 -- *ZAPP* -- 14 -- *PPAZ*
} -- 5 -- *ZAPP* -- 1 -- ... Um, hello, who is this?
}
} Oracle: I'm the Internet Oracle and I have a question.
}
} Phone: A question?
}
} Oracle: Aren't you International Stork and Cabbage?
}
} Phone: Um, yeah...
}
} Oracle: So I have this question...
}
} Phone: Why?
}
} Oracle: Because I need to know something! I answer questions all the
} time, it's not very hard. Isn't this customer service?
}
} Phone: Well, yeah, officially, but nobody ever calls this line...
}
} Oracle: What do you mean, nobody ever calls this line? You have
} thousands of people queuing up!
}
} Phone: Sure, in the queue. That doesn't mean we let them out and make
} our phones ring...
}
} Oracle: Now, about my question, it's from a Mr. Lishang, relating to
} your recent delivery to his household.
}
} Phone: We don't really answer customer questions.. We have a strict
} no-return policy anyway. I don't know how you got through, but--
}
} Oracle: Now LISTEN TO ME, you mortal! I am getting really tired of
} this! Do I have to zot you? Just answer my simple question!
}
} Phone: Well, if you're not going to make a habit out of it...
}
} Oracle: I will decide how many questions I get to ask! I'm the
} INTERNET ORACLE! I'm *this* close to zotting you! ANSWER MY
} QUESTION!!!
}
} Phone: You don't have to get all stroppy about it... I already said I
} was going to answer..
}
} Oracle: Well, Mr. Lishang wants to know whether he asked for
} daughters, or perhaps sons. He can't remember himself.
}
} Phone: Let me look it up in the computer... No doubt about it... It's
} certainly daughters. Delivered yesterday 15:07 UTC by Stork Employee
} 17, extra large dual head cabbage.
}
} Oracle: That's all I wanted to know. Thank you.
}
} Phone: You're welcome, I guess...
}
} *click*
}
} That answers your question, then. You asked for daughters, not sons,
} and they sent them to you as requested. Don't make me go through that
} again. Write it down somewhere next time.
}
} You owe the Oracle your daughters, in give or take 25 years.


1429-04    (05i93 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Desperate Oracle, Please help Me! I wanted to get a job as a football
> couch, and they said I have to learn the rules better. I thought it
> would be a soft job.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is indeed a soft job.  The rules are simple.
}
} You must:
} 1.  Provide a padded and comfortable surface for football watchers.
} 2.  Bear up under whatever is placed on you.
} 3.  Subsist upon beer, chips and dip, and similar food/drink choices.
}
} You must not:
} 1.  Complain about unpleasant sights, sounds, smells, or tactile
}     sensations.
} 2.  Move voluntarily.
} 3.  Consume anything that has not been spilled on you.
} 4.  Consider your occupants to have been spilled on you.  (They may
}     seem unappetizing now, but this may change after you've been on the
}     spills-only diet for a few weeks.)
}
} You owe the Oracle some Cheetos.  In an unopened bag.


1429-05    (17ga1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Linux is gay. Who in their right mind would abbreviate distribution to
> 'distro'? It's *distrib*, morons.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Linux is not gay.  Operating systems have no gender, and thus cannot
} be sexually attracted to members of the same (or opposite) sex.  It
} has been rumored though, that it gets immense pleasure from having its
} kernel recompiled.
}
} As for your question regarding distributions, originally they decided
} to abbreviate it as simply the letter 'D'.  This was fine for people
} who threw around words like grep, bash, ls, tar, and awk.
} Unfortunately, as linux became more popular people began to confuse it
} with "Device", "Download", and "Deadly Ninja Virus"
}
} So they started referring to distributions as "dis's" to alleviate the
} confusion.  Unfortunately, it didn't help much as there was as belief
} that they meant "discombobulation", "discarded woodchuck teeth" and
} "disillusionment"  You may recall the Discombobulation virus that was
} floating around the internet in the early 90's, which only aggravated
} the problem.
}
} "Oh no, I don't want to download the linux discombobulation virus!"
}
} So they started referring to them as you suggested "distribs", but you
} know how people are. They see "distrib" and instantly think "Dual
} Internal Static Reusable Illusatrated Brainmatter"  which of course is
} not at all what anybody wants.
}
} So there you have it, the evolution of a linux distro.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plush Tux doll.


1429-06    (4bb63 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You rang?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I did.
}
} > How could you? This goes against-
}
} What was I supposed to do? Phones have to ring. No exceptions.
}
} > It was a telemarketer!
}
} I was just-
}
} > No! You defied every single fiber of the Telephone Code! You're
} > supposed to help your humans, not betray them!
}
} I-
}
} > I'm sorry. But this has to be done.
}
} [Dial tone sound.]


1429-07    (3298d dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm bored. Have any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's Top 100 Suggestions For The Bored
} ----------------------------------------------
} An askme. A tellme. Send spam. Get spam. Eat canned, spiced ham. Go to
} the can. Go to Japan. Eat sushi. Eat old sushi. Go to the hospital. Be
} treated. Treat someone to lunch. Lose your lunch. Lose your mind. Mind
} your losses. Mind control. Control-alt-delete. Delete Windows. Clean
} your windows. Spring cleaning. Winter cleaning. Fifth lunar month
} cleaning. Lunar landing. Land a 747 with no pilot training. Wake up at
} 7:47. Read the newspaper. Write the newspaper. Write a tabloid. Find
} Elvis. Take a picture of Elvis. Leave a picture of Elvis. Leave it
} out. Give it out. Give up. Give in. Forgive. Forget. Forego.
} Foreclose. Forge a signature. Sign a forgery. Get arrested. Go to
} jail. Pass go. Collect $200. Invest it. Use it. Lose it. Get it back.
} Get back at it. Get back in the game. Win the game. Win an argument.
} Use faulty reasoning. Use faulty wiring. When you become conscious,
} pick yourself up off the ground. Pick lottery numbers 4, 8, 15, 16,
} 23, and 42. Pick your nose. Pick a card, any card. Er, pick the other
} one. Pick your teeth. Have a mint. Mint some cash. Cash a check. Check
} your tire pressure. Break under pressure. Break a leg. Coffee break!
} Break your brakes. Crash. Collect your insurance money. Call collect.
} Call the pizza place. Order an extra large with pepperoni and
} mushroom. Complain when you get it with mushrooms. Complain to your
} congressman. Run for Congress. Run a marathon. Get up, you just
} started. Start exercising. Start exorcising. Watch some horror movies.
} Wear a horrible watch. Watch your watch. Watch the clock. Watch TV.
} Watch the radio. Radio for help. Send 'help' to oracle@cs.indiana.edu.
} Go to Indiana. Go to India. Talk to tech support face-to-face. Face
} your fears. Fear your face. Wash your face. Look at yourself in a
} mirror. Pay for the broken mirror. Look for some cash. Write a check.
} Write a 'Top 100 Suggestions For The Bored' list.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of you doing all this. Have fun.


1429-08    (68786 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh mighty, powerful oracle please tell me, if you kick a
> teletubbie in the stomach does it implode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One morning, poor Laa-Laa felt flustered,
} when the four of them all ("Big hug!") clustered,
} so he kicked the green Telly
} right square in his belly,
} and Dipsy threw up all his custard.


1429-09    (15h84 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, the Oracle
} Staring at my monitor
} An askme awaits.
}
} What? The null question!
} Is all that awaits me here.
} Naught but "greater than."
}
} Foolish supplicant!
} Fear Oracle's Staff of Zot!
} Charcoal supplicant.
}
} Back to my chamber
} Return I, the Oracle
} And <censored content>.
}
} Crysanthemums bloom
} Over the river flowing
} In Indiana.
}
} But wait, there is more
} What you owe the Oracle
} Your immortal soul.
}
} Or, if you prefer,
} Give unto the Oracle
} A question not null.


1429-10    (44b97 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do Australian math nerds snicker when they hear the term that means
> inverse of an exponent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Turn in your books to page
} 106, class.  Today, we'll talk
} about horizontal asymptotes."
}
}                                 Huh-huh...she said "ass"...
}
} "Consider the demand function,
} p = f(q),"
}
}                                 Huh-huh...she said "pee"...
}
} "where p equals e to the
} negative 4 q."
}
}                                 Huh-huh...she said "fork you"...
}
} "Now, if we take the natural
} log of both sides,"
}
}                                 Wow, she's got nice b**bs.
}
} "we get q = v*gin* ln farty-
} f*rt p**p over wang squared."
}
}                                 Wait, did she say "log" a
}                                 moment ago?


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