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Internet Oracularities #143

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143, 143-01, 143-02, 143-03, 143-04, 143-05, 143-06, 143-07, 143-08, 143-09, 143-10


Usenet Oracularities #143    (12 votes, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 6 Apr 90 09:11:38 -0500

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143   12 votes 12252 11631 11154 12342 41331 13620 02613 71121 12432 32511
143   3.0 mean  3.4   3.2   3.8   3.3   2.7   2.8   3.4   2.1   3.2   2.6


143-01    (12252 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP!!  I'm writing you from my portable computer and a airplane phone.
> We have #1, 2, and 3 engines out, and the fuel pump to 4 is going bad.
> The pilot gives us about 5 minutes of flight time before the pump goes
> and we crash.  The nearest airport is 20 minutes away.  What can we do?
> Please hurry!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What can you do? You can die screaming in a fiery crash! Ha ha! A
} little Oracular humor to break the tension!
}
} But seriously, here's what you should do :
}
} 1. Reduce weight. Throw out the following items in this order until
} stability is achieved :
}
}    a. luggage
}    b. fat women
}    c. stinky men
}    d. annoying children
}    e. any children
}    f. that pale-woman over in row 3 who won't stop screaming
}
} If you still need to reduce weight, have all the attractive women
} strip and throw out their clothes. If everyone is naked and you're
} still not light enough, have everyone throw up out the window.
}
} 2. Calm everyone down. It is vitally important that all the naked,
} puke-splattered passengers remain calm, so as to avoid rocking the
} plane. This can be affected by screaming "STAY CALM! STAAAY CALLLM!!!"
} at them at the top of your lungs. If this fails, whip out your gun and
} shoot a few of them. Not only will this produce immediate calm in the
} remainder of the crowd, but you can throw the bodies overboard to
} further reduce the weight. If you forgot to bring a gun, you can
} always club them to death with those little sacks of peanuts. They
} certainly won't break open.
}
} 3. Now glide the plane to its destination. Gliding is really quite
} simple. It's just like flying, only without engines. You must find an
} updraft as soon as possible. If you can't find one, you can create one
} by having all the passengers stand up and then sit down at once.
}
} 4. If all else fails, jump up just before the plane hits the ground.
}
} You owe the Oracle--oops! Too late!


143-02    (11631 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   Could you tell me a story about somebody who is into
> pyro-necro-beastiality?  (i.e.  somebody who likes to light dead animals
> on fire and have sex with them)
>                                                        Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pyro-necro-bestiality?  Hmmmm!  Well, if you like to have sex with
} flaming farm animals then go right ahead.  Just don't expect the Oracle
} to cater to your prurient interests.  Do remember to use a
} fire-retardant condom though.  Come to think of it, that reminds the
} Oracle of a story.
}
} Once upon a time, in the small village of Warbling on the Glens
} (somewhere not in Russia), there lived a young lad by the name of Rocky
} Racoon.  One day (not a Tuesday), he was coming home from school (he was
} studying to be a Ninja), when he saw an unfortunate sheep that had burst
} into flames while free-basing cocaine.  Naturally, Rocky was immediately
} aroused.  He proceeded to engage in acts that are illegal in every state
} but West Virginia.  Then he got hold of the sheep.  Unfortunately, Rocky
} did not have a flame-retardant condom and so he came to be known as
} Stumpy Racoon.
}
} For ultimately catering to your sicko interests, the Oracle demands a
} gasoline-soaked inflatable sheep.  Don't forget to include some
} matches.


143-03    (11154 dist, 3.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sir :
>
> The lyrics for the song you requested for "Up With Oracles Night" have
> been completed. The song is as follows.
>
> Oh, I'm an Oracle and I'm OK,
> I work all night and I work all day!
>
> [Chorus : He's an Oracle, and he's OK...]
>
> I give answers, I make lame jokes, I say they owe me stuff!
> I bring the iuvax down, when I have had enough!
>
> [Chorus : He gives answers...]
>
> I'm an Oracle and I'm OK,
> I work all night and I work all day!
>
> I give answers, I talk with God, I'm never at a loss!
> I like to sneak off nightly, and pretend I'm MS/DOS!
>
> [Chorus : He gives answers, he talks with God, he's never at a loss!
>           He likes to sneak off nightly, and pretend he's--MS/DOS???]
>
> I'm an Oracle and I'm OK,
> I work all night and I work all day!
>
> I give answers, in EBCDIC, I like to wear dark blue!
> I wish my Dad had writ me, to run on OS/2!
>
> [Chorus : He gives answers, in EBCDIC, he likes to wear dark blue???
>           Like hell! I'm not standing for this!]
>
> So, what do you think? Right now were busy nailing down someone to
> perform it. We've whittled the field down to Phil Collins, Cher, and
> "Weird Al" Yankovic.
>
> Signed,
> Your Agent.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle finds the lyrics most amusing.  However, the Oracle does wish
} that you had somehow managed to incorporate something involving
} Monty_Python.
}
} If you are considering nailing someone down, the Oracle could not make a
} better suggestion than Jesus Christ.  He's got experience.
}
} As payment, the Oracle demands a shrubbery.


143-04    (12342 dist, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is a better human being, Traci Lords or Barbara Bush, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooooh! This means war! Two questions with hardware readouts at the
} top! Can't this person see that I only answer beautiful questions with
} aesthetically pleasing type! Well I'll show him!
}
} >talk requested by god@halo.pearlygates.com
}
} Oh no. Not again. Well, I...I didn't hear it. Yeah, that's the ticket!
} Anyway
}
} >talk insisted by god@pissed.off.com
}
} Now where's that plague file? I know it's around here somewhere...
}
} >talk demanded by god@righteous.fury.com
}
} Hum-hum-hum! La-de-da-de-da! I can't hear you! Dee-dee-dee!
}
} >###WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING MY CALL?!###
}
} Uhhhh...phone! Off the hook! Broken! Yeah, that's it, phone's broken!
} Damn DEC service people!
}
} >###What are you up to? And, please, don't lie to me. You're such a
} >pathetic liar.###
}
} Well this guy keeps sending me messages with mail traces at the top
} and I'm sick of it. I thought I'd, uh, hurt him. Just a little.
}
} >###You know you're not allowed to do that.###
}
} Yes I can! Says so right here in the Oracular Handbook!
}
} >###Let me see that.###
}
} NO! NO! MINE! NO! GIMME! Damn.
}
} >###Hmm. I thought so. It says "Hardware mistakes are not the fault of
} >the user. Be considerate and answer his/her question anyway." Didn't
} >I tell you not to lie to me?###
}
} Uh-huh.
}
} >###Then why did you lie to me?###
}
} I dunno.
}
} >###Oracle, bend over.###
}
} [ZZAAAP!] YEE-HEEWAHOOO! OW! OW! OW!
}
} >###Let this be a lesson to you. Now answer his question.###
}
} Yes, God.
} Let's look at the facts:
}
} 1. Barbara Bush is in a powerful position, and she looks more than 81.
} Traci Lords was in some powerful positions when she was less than 18.
}
} 2. Mrs. Bush's husband says "Read my lips!" Traci Lords says "Spread
} my lips!"
}
} 3. Barbara Bush has taken the thrust of the anti-drug campaign. Traci
} Lords has taken thrusts from some people on drugs.
}
} 4. Both Traci Lords and Mrs. Bush's husband do a lot of whining and
} moaning in their respective careers.
}
} 5. Traci Lords and Barbara Bush are both seen regularly with big, fake
} weenies.
}
} So you see, the two women are really quite similar. For a final
} decision, let's contact Sam the Perverted Oracle out on the street.
} Sam?
}
} "Hi, there Oracle! I'm ready to go! I sure hope I can get my job
} back!"
}
} Well, Sam, if you haven't done anything too incredibly disgusting, I'm
} sure you'll be an Oracle again in no time. I understand you have a
} sure fire method for choosing between them?
}
} "That's right! I had inside people obtain samples of both ladies'
} dirty bath water, and now I'm going to conduct a blind taste test!"
}
} UGGGGGGHHH! I think I'm gonna be sick! Listen, let's forget about this
} one, OK? You don't owe the Oracle anything! BLAAAAAARRRPPHHHH!
}
} <core dump, memory spew>


143-05    (41331 dist, 2.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone just offered to give me head.  Not being canabalistic, I didn't
> know what to say.  Any ideas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Goodness gracious, what is this world coming to...  I would like you to
} know that the only place that I have ever been offered head in a non-
} cannibalisitic sense was on planet Ogleplex...
}
}  I was walking down a street in sleezy downtown Ogleplex City, when a
} wondeful looking female came straight towards me...  She calmly and
} simply said...  "How would you like some head..."...  In the interest
} of, ahhh science...  Yeah, thats it...  science, I had to accept...  She
} led me silently down a dark alley and stopped...  She turned around
} slowly and then reached up and popped her head off and handed it to
} me...  I was so moved that I nearly fainted...
}
}  Soon, I couldn't get enough, I had to go to Ogleplex everyday to have
} one of those degenerated prostitutes hand me her head...  Well, I would
} like to say that I am now reformed...  Having attended the
}     kinkysymptoms@iuvax.morons.help system, I have beaten my problem...
}  I am proud to say that I only long for my past obscenity once in a long
} while...
}
}    So, when someone comes up to you in the street and offers you head...
}      For God's sake run like hell...
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of Marie Antoinette...


143-06    (13620 dist, 2.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a god@berkley?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, God is said to work in mysterious ways.  It is hardly likely
} that God would be so tranparent in His methods.  Then again, God is a
} crafty old devil.  It is possible that He is attempting some sort of
} elaborate double bluff.  I certainly would not put it past Him.  Why I
} remember that time that He came to visit last year ...
}
} <REAlity swirls.  Bad harp music can be heard in the background.  This
}  is obviously a flashback.>
}
} God:  Pretty neat place you've got Oracle.  I should have dropped by
}       sooner.
}
} Oracle:  Well, it's not Heaven, but I like to call it home.
}
} God:  Seems like Heaven to me.  Look at that hot babe over there.
}
} Oracle:  Oh, that's Jen.  The whole planet's swarming with women just
}          like her.
}
} God:  Surely, you can't be serious.
}
} Oracle:  I am serious.  And don't call me Shirley.
}
} God:  I've obviously been out of touch.  I haven't seen hooters on a
}       girl like that since Eve.
}
} Oracle:  Know what you mean.  They're getting so big that I wonder if
}          women will be able to stand up straight much longer.
}
} God:  Maybe I should get a pad somewhere on Earth.
}
} Oracle:  Well, if you do, try and keep up with the current lingo.
}
} God:  Why?
}
} Oracle:  Except for Stridex, no one's used the word pad in a few
}          decades.
}
} God:  Well, I've been busy for the past couple of millenia.
}
} Oracle:  What've you been doing?
}
} God:  Contemplating myself mostly.  Takes up a lot of time.
}
} Oracle:  Uhh, yeah.  I guess so.  Well, where are you thinking of
}          getting that pad?
}
} God:  Better watch it, Oracle.  One more crack like that and you'll be
}       doing time in an old Space Invaders game.
}
} Oracle:  Hey, it was just a joke.
}
} God:  Well, just see that it doesn't happen again.  Actually, I was
}       thinking of moving somewhere near Berkley.  I've always had a
}       soft spot for Berkley.
}
} Oracle:  Well, to each his own.
}
} God:  What was that?
}
} Oracle:  Nothing.
}
} <More bad harp music.  Reality snaps back into place.  Flashback is over
}  folks.>
}
} Well, there you have it.  I never did find out if the Big G ever made
} the move, but it is a distinct possibility.
}
} You owe the Oracle one flashback.


143-07    (02613 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me O Oracle, who knows things that other people don't, like how
> school bus drivers get into their bus;
>
> Where can I find some clear, concise, UNDERSTANDABLE documentation on
> how to create, manipulate, and destroy mailboxes on a Dec Vax?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Climb ten thousand mountains tall and cold,
} Swim ten thousand lakes of fire and smoke,
} Slay ten thousand devil swordsmen bold,
} Drink ten thousand bottles tall of Classic Coke,
}
} Dive ten thousand miles down below the ocean deep,
} Drive ten thousand light-years through the dreaded Alpine Pass,
} Hear ten thousand lectures and never go to sleep,
} Screw ten thousand bimbos and never touch an ass.
}
} Slay ten thousand dragons with mighty shield and sword,
} Write ten thousand editors with many brilliant hacks,
} Search ten thousand networks and read from every bboard,
} But nothing that you'll ever find will document a VAX.


143-08    (71121 dist, 2.1 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, what's up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dick, wanna fuck?


143-09    (12432 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Most,
>
> Could you recite for me one of the lays from "The Lays of Lisa".  I
> don't live in one of the states in which it's banned so it should be
> okay.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh, lowly mortal, you do have fine taste in erotic
} literature. The Lays of Lisa, represent sexual adventure in
} it's highest form. for the sake of clarity, I'll stick to verses
} that are in english, and represent species that beings from
} your dimensional space can relate to.
}
} Verse 17:
}               Lisa let down her soft flowing hair,
}               as the frangrance of lover filled the air.
}               He laid her down on the soft, sweet earth,
}               and said, "my love could have no greater worth
}               than to fill you, oh Lisa,with what you desire,"
}               She said, "What I desire is you my sweet love,
}               your body against mine, and the heavens above."
}               And danced the waltz of lovers before time,
}               and pleasured each other with methods sublime.
}
} Now, for something a little racier:
}
} Verse 2849B:
}               Handcuffed and bound, bare naked stripped
}               Quaking with fear, she was beaten and whipped.
}               But along with the pain, a feeling glowed higher,
}               and as a battered slave girl came the unquenchable fire,
}               that lit in her crotch, and drove her to heaven,
}               as the agonys were dealt  to her bottom time seven.
}               beaten with leather, wood and rubber
}               she was gagged, masked, and pierced by her lover.
}               Her tormentor asked, "How are you, my dear?"
}               But she only gasped, " More!" through her screaming and
}                 tears.
}               Humbled and lowered yet raised to a plane,
}               Were the greatest pleasure comes from the greatest pain.
}
} Now we have something of the barnyard variety:
}
} Verse 310:
}               When asked who she thought be the greatest of lovers,
}               She said, " Well he's certainly not to be found between
}                 covers.
}               The best lovers found are out there in the barn,
}               On the south side of town, in McDonalds pleasure farm."
}               For sheer size and power, there are none like the bull,
}               with 26 inches hanging, even more if you pull.
}               It take him 2 hour to finish and cum,
}               It's a pity for me he's so terribly dumb.
}               Now for inventive ideas, you must screw the horse,
}               or don't screw him either, he eats pussy of course.
}               A wonderful tongue, so long, strong and supple,
}               You can't help but orgasm, and usually a couple.
}               Stay away from the rooster, unless you like beak,
}               For man, newborn calves can suck 'til you're weak.
}               and for that cold morning wakeup, try a housebroken goat,
}               they know right were to lick, and that all that I wrote.
}
} You owe the Oracle a jumbo pack of ribbed condoms, extra large, of
} course.


143-10    (32511 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How large a percentage of all American college girls don't wear a bra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question, and, I admit, one I don't know the answer to offhand.
} Let's conduct a quick survey.  Let me introduce our reporter-on-campus,
} the net.roving.reporter, Willy.
}
} HI THERE!
}
} Hey Willy, I've got a survey I want you to conduct.  Find out how many
} American college girls don't wear a bra.
}
} SURE THING, ORACLE-DUDE.
}
} [Willy goes out in the field.]
}
} HERE COMES A FINE LOOKIN THANG, LEMME ASK HER.
}
} EXCUSE ME, BABE, ARE YOU WEARING A BRA?
}   I've heard some lines in my time, but yours has to be the stupidest
}   one of all time.
} NO, NO, I'M NOT...
}
} THAT DIDN'T WORK TOO WELL.  MAYBE THIS GIRL WILL BE MORE POLITE.
}
} PARDON ME, I'M CONDUCTING A SURVEY.  I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WERE WEARING
} A BRA?
}
} WELL FINE, PRETEND I DON'T EXIST.  I'M TOO GOOD FOR YOU!
}
} HEY ORACLE, THIS ISN'T GOING TOO WELL.
}
} Maybe you could just look at...
} WAIT, I GOT AN IDEA!  LET ME GO TRY IT ON THIS CHICK...
}
} [slap]
}
} OW!  THAT WASN'T VERY NICE OF HER.
}
} Nevermind Willy, thanks for trying.
} Let's all give a warm round of applause to the net.roving.reporter.
}
} And your answer is: 100%, +-67%, with a sample size of 1/3.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cross-your-heart LAN network.


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