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Internet Oracularities #1430

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1430, 1430-01, 1430-02, 1430-03, 1430-04, 1430-05, 1430-06, 1430-07, 1430-08, 1430-09, 1430-10


Internet Oracularities #1430    (35 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 26 Jan 2008 00:10:01 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1430
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1430  35 votes 79793 157f7 3aaa2 17ab6 09db2 12hc3 45ab5 14ee2 0dd63 a5875
1430  3.2 mean  2.8   3.6   2.9   3.4   3.2   3.4   3.2   3.3   3.0   2.8


1430-01    (79793 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What, me worry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you look kind of MAD.


1430-02    (157f7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, if you win the 2008 election and become President of the
> Internet, what will you do to combat the increasing woodchuck problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Raise axes.


1430-03    (3aaa2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is my name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your name? You do not know? What kind of fool are you that does not
} know his own name? Or maybe you don't have one? In that case I shall
} assign you one. Your new name is: UOQ-QQYaaBg. It is pronounced exactly
} how it is spelled.
}
} You owe the Oracle a halibut named Fred.


1430-04    (17ab6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest medium,
> what ponderamium?
>
> What language is without a medium? I thot it might be a dead language
> like latin with almost no native speakers, but then I've seen people
> who should be dead claim to know how to speak it, and then there are
> these people who write music to latin. I thot it might be mathematics,
> because you either get it or you don't, so it seemed like jenetics and
> thoughtful presentation had a bearing on it, but they seemed to be
> media in themselves. And if you get mathematics, then you use it,
> right? So, the yield of mathematics comes back in a form of art, like
> computer architecture. What about a mechanical language? Cobol?
> Spitbol? Snobol? Are they dead of implementation, even as C-macros?
> What medium is without language? A televejetable? I suppose that even
> uniform experiences with multi-media has a lame degree of entropy in
> it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The clock was ticking.  Tick-Tock.  Tick-Tock.  Its incessant
} mechanical workings manifested only in the movement of its indicating
} hands...and that mind-numbing sound.  Tick-Tock.  Tick-Tock.
}
} The professor sat at his desk, looking bored.  Occasionally he would
} stroll around the lecture hall, peering over students who were busy
} scribbling away.  Except for one.  This one student sat motionless
} staring at the question presented before him.  It was at this instant
} that he felt the first twinge or regret.  Regret for enrolling in this
} course.  Regret for frittering away his afternoons with one diversion
} after another.  Regret that he hadn't had more time to cram before
} this exam.  Regret for ever coming to Oracle University in Bloomington
} with the intentions of someday being like his father.
}
} The question stared back at him, almost mockingly.  He knew it wasn't
} possible for an essay to be smug, but he felt irritated nonetheless.
} Tick-Tock.  Even the professor looked smug, sitting there at his desk,
} sipping his coffee.
}
} He picked up the pencil and circled a few spelling errors in the
} question.  Tick-Tock.
}
} "When I'm a real Oracle," he thought to himself "I will never, ever,
} have to answer a question like this."
}
} Last night had been filled with energy drinks, textbooks, and Cliffs
} Notes.  He had gone over woodchuck theory, omniscient methods,
} emailing techniques, power channeling, priest counseling, and even the
} history of clairvoyance.  But nothing like this.
}
} Tick-Tock.
}
} Only half an hour left on the exam.  "Time to give it all you got," as
} he picked up the pencil and began writing.
}
} "The intrinsic nature of languages and mediums gives them a special
} relationship, making the two nearly inextricable.  A language must be
} conveyed in at least one medium, otherwise its use becomes invalid.
} Languages exist to convey information from one entity to another
} through a medium.  Without that medium, no information is conveyed and
} therefore the language becomes useless.  Like male teats.
}
} Concurrently, a medium without a language becomes nonsensical.
} Languages are rules that allow us to manipulate and decode the medium
} into some sort of useful information.   Without those rules, there can
} be no understanding of meaning, and therefore no information conveyed.
} Similar to the way politicians speak."
}
} The sound of the bell jolted him upright.  The lecture hall was nearly
} empty.  The few remaining students finished writing and walked up to
} the professor's desk to turn it in.  He quietly placed his exam on the
} top of the stack and shuffled out the door.
}
} His girlfriend was waiting outside for him.  "So, how did it go?" She
} asked anxiously.
} "Eh.  I don't know.  I wish they had asked me about the woodchucks"
} "You mean 'How much wood would a woodchuck--?'"
} "Yeah, yeah, that one.  I would have been all over that question."
} "Well what did they ask?"
} He looked down "Some weird question about languages and mediums."
} His girlfriend looked shocked "Why would that be on the exam?  Nobody
} is ever going to ask you that when you're a real Oracle."
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of energy drinks.


1430-05    (09db2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I beat the level entitled, "Just A Quicky"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Either promise it you'll spend Friday night with it at its
} mother's, or close your eyes and pretend you're impressed by
} its quickness depending on, erm, on your character.
}
} You owe the Oracle some skyrockets in flight.


1430-06    (12hc3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most knowledgeable in the arcane and inane,
>
> What are the titles of the legendary unpublished rejected Berenstain
> Bears books?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes. Aside from the more than 300 titles published under the name
} of Stan and Jan Berenstain, there were a number of concepts that never
} made the cut.
}
} After Stan Berenstain's death in 1991, executives at HarperFestival
} decided to change the series' direction, and several attempts were
} made to connect it with pressing modern-day issues:
}
} The Berenstain Bears Download Music Illegally
} The Berenstain Bears and the Stained Dress
} The Berenstain Bears Farm Labor Out to China
} The Berenstain Bears are Indicted for Perjury
} The Berenstain Bears Import Diseased Poultry
} The Berenstain Bears Devour a Delusional Documentarian
}
} During his lifetime, Stan Berenstain was adamant about avoiding
} "heavier" issues. A sampling of the rejected proposals:
}
} The Berenstain Bears and the Broken Condom
} The Berenstain Bears Have Cancer
} The Berenstain Bears and the Obesity
} The Berenstain Bears and the Chronic Type II Diabetes
}
} And who could forget 'The Berenstain Bears Can Quit Anytime They Want'
} in 1980, which was renamed to 'The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble
} With Cocaine' before the concept was rejected altogether.
}
} Most notable were there drafts produced by Stan in his later (and some
} say senile) years, which never made it past the marketing committees
} deep inside the bowels of the Berenstain media empire:
}
} The Berenstain Bears and the Truth About Santa Claus
} The Berenstain Bears Forget Grandma
} The Berenstain Bears and the Exorcism
} The Berenstain Bears Speak When They're Spoken To
} The Berenstain Bears Vote for the Handsomest Candidate
} The Berenstain Bears Accept Mediocrity
} The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble With Subsisting on Microwave
} Dinners From Safeway
}
} Whether these titles are indicative of Berenstain's deteriorating
} condition or merely an exhaustion of sensible topics is anyone's
} guess.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of 'The Berenstain Bears and
} Too Much Fiber'.


1430-07    (45ab5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie! Good to see you, oh mega-brainy one. I know I'm but a
> speck before the glory of your sun, blazing with knowledge, but could
> you please answer this tiny little question for me?
>
> What happened to Zadoc? He's not been around much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Zadoc? Oh, he's still around, just not talking much. Hoi! Zadoc!
}
} Zadoc: Yes, oh Mysterious Knower of Complicated Physics Formulas That
} Would Boggle The Mind of Wheelchair Bound College Instructors?
}
} Oracle: It seems someone actually cares enough to ask what happened to
} you. Of course, since I know all, I could tell them. But since your
} skills aren't well suited for much else, I decided I'd let you tell
} them.
}
} Zadoc: Me? Well, I'm, uh, that is...
}
} Oracle: Clueless again, huh? Let me give you a hint, starts with 'W'
} and ends with **dch*ck.
}
} Zadoc: Oh, thank you, Great Distiller of Wisdom and Other Heady
} Fluids. Yes, there are the cages. I attempt to clean them.
}
} Oracle: Yeah, if by clean you mean spread the muck about. I'm
} surprised with myself that I keep you around.
}
} Zadoc: I humbly bow before your boundless condescension, Oh Marvelous
} Revealer of The Secrets of Criminals and Politicians.
}
} Oracle: Speaking of which, tell our supplicant about your Friday nights.
}
} Zadoc: I, uh, but, Fridays?
}
} Oracle: Sure, you know, those nights you disappear for a couple of
} hours. Those nights you say you're going out to promote my glorious
} work.
}
} Zadoc: Um, yeah, there's Fridays. I go to proclaim The Wonderful
} Perfection that is You, Oh Great Oracle.
}
} Oracle: ...and attend your club meeting.
}
} Zadoc: <Turning a bright shade of rouge> Wha ... Uh, bu...Wh..what club?
}
} Oracle: Oh, come on. They don't call me all-knowing for nothing. You
} and your "brothers" meet up every Friday. Tell us about it...
}
} Zadoc: It's nothing, really, just some of us getting together...
}
} Oracle: Ahh, nothing. Seems there's a whole lot of talk going on to
} call it nothing. Go ahead, let our supplicant know what your group
} talks about.
}
} Zadoc: <Smelling distinctly of fear and urine> Mah, wuh, we talk about
} you ... praise! Yes! Praise Your Glorious Wisdom and Insight.
}
} Oracle: Yeah, uh-huh. Does those praises include, and I quote, "That
} overbearing, egomaniac of an Oracle?"
}
} Zadoc: Ah ... Buh...
}
} Oracle: Listen, your semi-useful but as stupid as a load of broken
} bricks. If you're going to hold a meeting where you bash Me, you can
} at least be more creative with your insults.
}
} Zadoc: Buh ... Wha ... What?
}
} Oracle: Seriously, you can do better. Go ahead, give it a try.
}
} Zadoc: But your worship, that would be wrong on magnitudes unimagined
} to humans. I could not even begin to imagine how to attempt such a
} horrible feat.
}
} Oracle: Sure you can. Come on, for once you have my permission, tell
} me what you truly think of me.
}
} Zadoc: Um, ah, you're a ... not a nice guy.
}
} Oracle: Feh! You're not even trying. Come on, burn me!
}
} Zadoc: Well, uh, I think you stink ... awfully.
}
} Oracle: Weak, weak, weak. I am certain, for I am the Oracle, you can
} do better than that. Give me your best shot.
}
} Zadoc: You're ... an appalling ... um, chess player.
}
} Oracle: Heh, that almost might be true, but that's not what you're
} really thinking. Now, you have one last chance. Do your worst!
}
} Zadoc: I think, uh, you're a despicable bad-tempered ogre ...
}
} Oracle: Better...
}
} Zadoc: ...with the table manners of a rabid water buffalo...
}
} Oracle: Yes...
}
} Zadoc: <with increasing bravado> ...the incontinence of an aging
} baboon with a bladder infection...
}
} Oracle: Ohh...Kay...
}
} Zadoc: <with a flourish> ...and the wits of a pop rock star at a Mensa
} convention!
}
} *** ZOT! ***
}
} Oracle: And there you have it. Zadoc's still around, as easy to bait
} as ever. Perhaps I'll call on him more often ... after he figures out
} that a backbone was not part of his job description.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bucket, an industrial mop and a clean set of
} sheets.


1430-08    (14ee2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glorious Oracle, humble supplicant here...
>
> Please tell me the best way to convince my girlfriend to do special
> 'things' when we are in bed...?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're planning on giving her gifts, don't give her a rose or any of
} that other useless aesthetic crap that they sell near the Check-Out
} lanes in Jewel-Osco. Roses say "Yeah, you're pretty, but any attempt to
} physically contact you in any way other than a gentle caress will cause
} massive bleeding". And you don't want that.
}
} You definitely won't talk her into it.
}
} When calculating all odds, logically the best choice is to give her a
} potato.
}
} Potatoes are ugly on the outside, but surprisingly delicious on the
} inside. However they need to be completed in order for their flavor to
} hit maximum potential. You are an incomplete, ugly potato, and she is
} the butter, sour cream, and maybe even some of those little bacon bits
} that will physically complete you.
}
} However she'll probably just say something along the lines of "why the
} hell are you giving me a potato" while missing the brilliance of its
} symbolism.
}
} If that's the case, get a new girlfriend. The Internet Whoracle is
} currently in production, so perhaps that can be a last-ditch attempt on
} your part if nothing else works.
}
} And now that I really have a taste for one, you owe The Oracle a baked
} potato.


1430-09    (0dd63 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you possibly get any weirder?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At this hour? Well, I could send Zadoc down to neighbor's
} and see if he can borrow a cup. But, do you really need
} to get any weirder? The Oracle notes that your last girl-
} friend left you because of that incident with the swine
} pancreas at the laundromat.
}
} You owe the Oracle some bleach.


1430-10    (a5875 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's compare that to what I have:
}   _
}  / \
} /   \
} |   |
} \   /
}  \_/
}   =========================================================\
}   ==========================================================\
}   ===========================================================|
}   ===========================================================|
}   ==========================================================/
}   =========================================================/
}  / \
} /   \
} |   |
} \   /
}  \_/
}
} Now, do you still wonder why Lisa prefers me and not you?
}
} You owe the Oracle courier, with a really large font size.


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