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Internet Oracularities #1431

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1431, 1431-01, 1431-02, 1431-03, 1431-04, 1431-05, 1431-06, 1431-07, 1431-08, 1431-09, 1431-10


Internet Oracularities #1431    (45 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:01:55 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1431
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1431  45 votes 8ag74 26cfa 26ef8 6bea4 89f94 37dd9 3ig62 38dd8 7faa3 4e98a
1431  3.1 mean  2.8   3.6   3.5   2.9   2.8   3.4   2.7   3.3   2.7   3.1


1431-01    (8ag74 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, keeper of the box with all the stuff in it.
> Please stoop to help a lowly supplicant with this dilemma.
>
> I have a great Idea (note the capitol "I"). An Idea so fantastic that I
> just know I will make a big pile of cash, and all the things that go
> with it.
>
> An Idea so enrapturing that people will line up around the block to pay
> rediculous amounts of money, just to be told how the Idea works!
>
> People will conquer their fears, push out from the shells that bind
> them! Go in to the world and take what is rightfully theirs!!!
>
> This Idea is so powerful, yet so simple. It unlocks the door to
> happiness, allows one's problems to simply melt away. Throws open the
> window and lets the light of the soul shine!! (that kind of thing)
>
> The only thing is... I know it's a load of garbage. Not one iota of
> truth in the whole Idea. Just a bunch of blustery big sounding pop
> psychology terms, some basic slight of hand, and liberal application of
> the placebo effect.
>
> The question oh wise and wonderful Oracle who's knowledge knows no
> bounds is:
>
> Should I do it anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have a better idea for you. It will really
} change the lives of millions.
}
} Take a truck of coal and a few cans of barbecue primer.
} Oh and a big box of windproof matches.
}
} Go to Greenland. Travel across it from east
} to west, across the very center. Light a little
} bonfire on the snow every half mile.
}
} In about two months' time, the ice will snap
} and the southern half will slide down into
} the Atlantic, raising the world sea level
} by about two feet. Venice and half the Netherlands
} will become history, Bangla Desh will be an
} archipelago of treetops with scared people
} holding on to twigs over a sea full of sharks,
} Belgium, Japan and New Zealand will each lose
} roughly 10% of their area. Oh, you're asking
} about New Orleans? Who cares, it's in America.
}
} Why should you do it, you ask? Because you can,
} that's why! Because noone has yet done it.
} Because by doing this, you will make a difference.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ark.


1431-02    (26cfa dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to be a geolologist. Tell me all about the ingenious rocks and
> the sedentary rocks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I wanna be a nudist, but we can't always get what we want, can we?
}
} Here's your trouble, supplicant:
} No gravel. Gravelling is important for making the path smooth. A badly
} chosen gravel can result in a supplicant too finely crushed, dusty, or
} with small and intensely interesting Rocks in the Shoe.
}
} As to the ingenious and the sedentary, I was going to be magmanimous
} and answer you anyway, but I've cooled from the topic. Such a body of
} knowledge can only be laid down bit by bit, over time, and frankly my
} new Aeron chair is too comfortable for me to do much today. Look it up
} yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rockery. One that looks nice. (And not too
} expensive.)


1431-03    (26ef8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Heya Mr Oracle Ma-a-a-a-n!
>
> I got a hot date tonight! Which of my brightly coloured matching polka
> dotted tie a cuff-link combinations should I wear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <shiver>
}
} The image of a clown out on the town freaks the Oracle out.
}
} But in the interest of, heavens knows what, the Oracle offers
} you this,
}
}       oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo
}
}       1st Date Do's and HONK! HONK! HONK! Don'ts for Clowns
}
}       oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo
}
} 1) Be Your Wackiest Self:
}     This is not the time to share tales of sight gags gone south
}     or complain about the high cost of three foot long shoes. No
}     one wants to hear any tears of a clown crap on a first date. Be
}     Zany! No one goes out with a clown hoping for a maudlin sob fest.
}
} 2) Be a Good Listener
}     Yes, your whoopee cushion and bike horn and party buzzer all sound
}     zany, but when the other person is talking stare at them intently.
}     After they're done speaking you can show you were paying attention
}     by repeatedly sitting on your whoopee cushion and/or honking your
}     bicycle horn all you like.
}
} 3) Don't make a snap judgment the second you see them.
}     Yeah, yeah. As a clown you spend more time in front of a mirror
}     than a fifteen year old girl, but just because *you* spend 4 hours
}     a day on Bobby Kaye homage eye stripes, don't judge them harshly
}     if they have a small spot of lipstick on their teeth or a tiny
}     little straggly hair clutching dried booger hanging out of their
}     nose. You're a pasty faced loon with orange hair for heavens sake,
}     they're cutting you some slack, show them the same consideration.
}
} 4) Don't get drunk
}     Nothing is scarier than a drunken clown racing around town in a
}     tiny car with unlimited seating capacity throwing half empty
}     pints of Southern Comfort out the windows at mimes in hopes of
}     picking a fight. Save that kind of action for a second date.
}
} 5) DO NOT TAKE YOUR DATE TO THE CIRCUS
}     Sure you can get free cotton candy and peanuts there, maybe
}     even a ride on the elephant, but it screams CHEAP. Go someplace
}     classy like the Getty Museum, Chichen Itza, or The Gateway
}     Arch Riverfront. Someplace that says, "I may be motley, but
}     I'm no rube!"
}
}       oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo oO0Oo
}
} You owe the Oracle some mouthwash, even thinking about clowns
} dating has left a funny taste in his mouth. NO! The Oracle
} wasn't implying that. See, see that's why we all hate you damn
} clowns. Now, go shoo. Get outta here. Now.


1431-04    (6bea4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me what color sweatshirt am I wearing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no. You're telling the joke all wrong. A guy asks his
} mom if he should wear his blue sweatshirt or green windbreaker
} on his first date with Suzy. And the mom says, Neither! Last
} thing Suzy wants to do is open the door and see you and think
} 'Oh great! He's planning on getting sweaty, or even worse,
} breaking a lot of wind before the night is over.'
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kevlar ball cap.


1431-05    (89f94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rumors are going around that I'm "innocent".  How do I fix this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear O.J.
}
} Just be yourself, that will fix it
}
} The Oracle


1431-06    (37dd9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I beat Lemmings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An aluminum bat works well for me.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Cliff Notes.


1431-07    (3ig62 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle, you are far less repulsive than normal. It's an honor to
> speak with you this time, unlike last week.
>
> Why is the weather so increpid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, thank you.  It's nice to hear a grovel that sounds sincere.  And
} you know, I have been flossing a bit more lately.  Just a couple extra
} passes with the ol' waxy thread...a new robe last week...a spritz or
} two of that Oracular Orange Spray in the mornings.  I've been feeling a
} little better, and taking better care of myself.  I guess it shows.
}
} And you, Supplicant, did I remark on how...fine you're looking lately?
} You seem more mellow and at peace.  You don't carry as much tension in
} your neck and shoulders as you used to.  You...oh.  Oh dear.  You're
} looking a little too fine.  Hang on...
}
} ...yep.  Blasted another one to powder with my Oracular good looks.
}
} Sigh.
}
} Oh, I guess he actually asked something about the weather.  Well, I'd
} mention something about how the morning dew sets the increpidity level
} for the rest of the week...but I guess it doesn't matter anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a phial of dust.


1431-08    (38dd8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle reasonable and good-hearted,
>
> Does it make sense to spend tens of thousands on
> fertility treatments then once the kid is born to
> ship it off to day care?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Likely more sense than wasting one's time writing to mythical
} beings in the hope of useless awards for collaborative fiction.


1431-09    (7faa3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Crispix taste like law and chess opening theory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty much.  The main difference is that no one's expected to memorize
} Crispix to excel at a largely fake profession.
}
} You owe the Oracle a game of 1.e4 e5 2. f5 * as black and a biography
} of David Bronstein.


1431-10    (4e98a dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh no you don't! Let's see what a Quad Core does to the original
> Labyrinth after we're done with it..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Theseus: Foul spawn of Pasiphae's unnatural union
}           I will slay!
}           No more minotaur supping on the cream
}           of our youth!
}
} Chorus: He says noble words
}          and speaks the wants of many!
}          But all that enter the labyrinth
}          their doom is sealed.
}          We weep!
}
} Ariadne: Here Brave One! A way to defeat the vile thing!
}           Not a string
}           But a Quad Core I bring,
}           It can render anything, or so I am told.
}
} Theseus: Thank you I do. I take this oddly weighed
}           Intel item in one hand, my sword in the other
}           Oh Minotaur calculate your days as ended!
}
} Chorus: He enters with this the first product placement
}          of which we know. How bears this out?
}          We fear... Hark here, the sounds of mayhem.
}          Alas it seems the CPU was no help,
}          Theseus is dead,
}          a blue screen of death we'll hoist on ships outbound


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