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Internet Oracularities #1432

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1432, 1432-01, 1432-02, 1432-03, 1432-04, 1432-05, 1432-06, 1432-07, 1432-08, 1432-09, 1432-10


Internet Oracularities #1432    (37 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 15:07:15 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1432
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1432  37 votes 37g83 15bg4 689b3 18ag2 39ba4 369d6 6e971 347j4 01bdc 227ec
1432  3.3 mean  3.0   3.5   2.9   3.3   3.1   3.4   2.5   3.5   4.0   3.9


1432-01    (37g83 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In 108-02, your majesty explained why the sky was blue, but for some
> reason, God inexplicably became Gid.  What was that for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I have told you supplicants before, and reminded you frequently,
} your Oracle is not God. Big G and I are acquainted, but we go out
} separate ways. He and I are both Omniscient (it's a toss-up which of us
} is omniscienter), but He is Omnipotent and I am not.
}
} That means there are things I cannot do, and I am permitted to make
} mistakes, while He is stuck with the Problem of Evil.
}
} I could tell Him how to avoid the Problem, but then I would be stuck
} with it, and He would have to answer all these stupid questions. As it
} is, He's only gotta answer prayers, which is a lot easier. (First of
} all, He gets to catalogue them, where I've got Kinzler and his damned
} software tracking all my responses. Sheesh.)
}
} Occasionally God has a Giddy moment. It's allowed. He's omnipotent.


1432-02    (15bg4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They're simply beautiful.  So how do I tell her without offending her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simply gaze into them.
}
} Oh, I see you are shorter than I am. Stop gazing, and get a stepstool.
} Stand on it, and gaze into her eyes, which are also simply beautiful.


1432-03    (689b3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My gramma tells me I should say WHOM instead of WHO, like, instead of
>
>    Who did you give it to?
>
> she wants
>
>    To whom did you give it to?
>
> or stuff like that.
>
> So alright I'll do that.
>
> But what I want to know is whom invented this way of talking and whym?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Reverend Green, in the kitchen with a banana - accusative
} Nobel Peace Prize - Inventor of the automatic banana peeler -
} nominative
} Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow
} yours? - dative
} It was a dark and stormy night - The first line of the book that taught
} me everything I know about grammar.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on German grammar.


1432-04    (18ag2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I too will write in invisible ink that our recipe exchange may be
} secure:
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} Serves six.
}
} Hm.  You owe the Oracle some more ink.


1432-05    (39ba4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> man!  those old digests really are something, aren't they?  any advice
> for a starting out incarnation?  i mean, really!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two basic rules of thumb that can get you very far:
}
} One, do not simply aim below the belt if you have a momentary lack of
} inspiration. Better passing the question on to another incarnation than
} aiming for cheap laughs.
}
} Second, and above all, do not try too hard to be funny. Humor is seeing
} the similarity in the dissimilar, or, in other words, metaphore. And,
} like a pancake with blueberry sauce, a bad metaphore will always come
} back and swiftly punch you in the groin with brass knuckles.


1432-06    (369d6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gawd, why'd she have to pass by me in the googlie eyes
> section of the craft store with her hair in her mouth, that's so
> sexy. Why doesn't such a huge store have any reasonable graph paper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ignore her, she's been planted there to distract you and make your
} forget what you were there for in the first place.  As for the lack of
} graph paper; it was banned in 2001 by the PATRIOT act to stop terrorist
} plots.
}
} You owe the oracle a healthy sense of paranoia.


1432-07    (6e971 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O! Great and mighty oracle who's name, when called echoes as if
> down a vast and dimly lit hallway, even when so such hallway exists.
> Oracle who's very existence is proof that g-d himself... well proof
> of something REALLY BIG anyway... O! (racle (!)) who's boundless
> knowledge of time and space goes right d own to whether the cat is
> alive or not... Great Oracle who is just a really s well guy. I'd say
> hoopy, if I had an inkling that anybody (Besides of course the great
> and mighty Oracle who's knowledge is as one with the expanses of th
> e continuum)remembered what hoopy was.(Renting the DVD DOES NOT COUNT
> OKAY!?) O! O!R!A!C!L!E!  Please stoop to muddy depths and tell me:
>
> I'm in love. She's perfect. I have never been with anything like
> her before. She's so sleek, so elegant, so sexy. When I touch her...
> I mean... run my f ingers over her smooth silky form, feel that
> sweet hot breath..  Unnnnghhhhh H OT! I.. I... I just want to give
> her what she needs to thrive in this world..  I mean it's valentines
> day tomorrow and... and...  I want to give her something truly special.
>
> So...  Ubuntu 7.10 server? or should I just get her a nice new Fedora?
>
> .. a pair of the nicest cores you have ever seem... gggggllllll.....
> mmmmmm mmmmm :)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa, there, tiger.  Just stick to a box of chocolates.  Better yet,
} make that a bag of "Tootsie Rolls".  Sound good?  Awright?  Awright.
}
} You owe me...I mean, you owe YOURSELF some therapy.


1432-08    (347j4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...I know what it looks like, but this is not a pipe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are correct. There are other forms of redirection. The greater-than
} sign redirects the output to a named file.
}
} You owe the Oracle /nev/dull.


1432-09    (01bdc dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise and revered, please de-riddle me this:
>
> Why is it that most people can't tell the difference between irony,
> sarcasm and cynicism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heck, people can barely tell love from hate. Grasping
} the fine line between those three concepts requires
} a bit of finesse.
}
} But, fear not, common ordinary mortal. The ever wise
} Oracle exists solely to make such things clear as crystal
} clean water laced with life giving soil.
}
}   ======================================================
}
} Irony: When the total opposite occurs of what is intended
}         or expected.
}
} Examples:
}
} * John Hinckley missed Ronald Reagan with everyone
}    of the bullets he fired, but the president ends up
}    wounded when one round bounced off the bullet proof
}    windows of his Secret Service car and hit him.
}
} * When cigar smoking, vodka swilling grandmothers in the
}    Urals who have never been to a doctor a day in their lives
}    make it to 100 years old while health freaks die from heart
}    attacks while exercising before they turn 30.
}
} * The fact Ray Charles has never gone on a blind date.
}
}   ===========================================================
}
} Sarcasm: When people say the opposite of what they mean
}           to make a point. (note: sarcasm works even better
}           in email or USENET than it does in real life)
}
} Examples:
}
} * Well, isn't that special!
}
} * Great!
}
} * I'm so happy for you.
}
} [ See how much funnier those are in print than in real life?]
}
}   ===========================================================
}
} Cynicism: [ Disclaimer: The Oracle was a drinking buddy
}              of Antisthenes so his views on this subject
}              are a tad skewered -- Editor ]
}            Cynicism is the observation that people are
}            motivated by self-interest and the application
}            of this fact to all facets of life.
}
} Examples:
}
} * When someone asks how you are, they really are trying to
}    ascertain if you are in a weakened condition in case they
}    decide to kill you on the spot.
}
} * Mothers kiss their children so they can covertly taste
}    the little brats in case they decide to kill one on the
}    spot and eat which ever one of them is most flavorable at
}    that moment in time.
}
} * Whenever someone offers a woman a seat on the bus it's just
}    because they want to have a person with a soft subdermal
}    layer of fat to land on as a cushion in case there is a
}    wreck. Killing and eating the person afterwards.
}
}   =========================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle Ambrose Bierce's head on a paper plate.
} And a fork. And a knife. And some soy sauce or mustard.


1432-10    (227ec dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: SOteric2@msn.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am the real Oracle! You are just an IMPOSTER!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!
}
} Here's the keys to the temple. And, here, let me
} write it on a Post-it Note... here's the password
} for root on the servers. Hmm, Lisa will be back
} from her sister's Thursday. Of course as the New
} Oracle you knew all this already, just conveying
} info as a professional courtesy.
}
} I'll just run up my bedroom, YOUR bedroom now, and
} grab a few personal things and whoosh! Be on my way.
}
} Have fun!
}
} Oh.
}
} And no tags back. It's all yours Big Fella. It's all
} yours.
}
} You owe yourself a few seconds of peace before the
} fans hit, if you catch my drift... but of course you
} do, you catch all now. You're The Oracle.
}
}
} Free! I. Am. FREE!! Woo-hoo.
}
} bye


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