} O supplicant,
} Hillary will drop out of the race february 23, when it becomes clear
} that.. Oh? Wrong time line, sorry. She will drop out of the race june
} 2nd, when she realizes that for the good of... No? But the quantum
} numbers of those time lines are practically the same! She actually
} goes on to win the nomination, and to everybody's surprise, she...
} What? I really need my glasses, that seems to be not the time line
} you're hailing from after all. All right, ahum, this time YOUR time
} line. This tells you the when (and as a bonus, the what too) for real:
} march 30, 2008: Barack Obama in a controversy over his association
} with a shady accountant, Robert "Coolaid" Hackworthy. This leads to a
} surge in the polls for Hillary Clinton.
} march 31, 2008: Robert "Coolaid" Hackworthy on TV disclaiming his
} shadiness, association with Obama, and qualifications as an
} accountant. Clinton still high in the polls.
} april 1, 2008: The invasion of the tuna has begun! Irradiated tuna
} rise up from the ocean waves and beach in South Carolina. Soon the
} battle moves into North Carolina and Georgia, and humanity's chances
} are starting to look dim when.. April fools! Obama and Clinton very
} close in the tracking polls, with Obama rising again. Hackworthy
} becomes quite popular on the internet, especially when his Youtube
} clips of him singing "We built this city on rock and roll" is found.
} www.hackworthycoolaid.org is founded with jokes and links to the
} Youtube clips.
} april 2, 2008: Obama overtakes Clinton in the polls after rousing
} speech on accountancy. Hackworthy's popularity makes it into the
} blogosphere, with everybody linking to hackworthycoolaid.org
} april 3, 2008:Clinton staffer in controversy over engineering a media
} leak by a Obama staffer which might be construed as a statement in
} support of Clinton. Forget it, it's complicated. Hackworthy's
} popularity on the internet becomes as "funny item" in mainstream media
} news shows.
} april 4, 2008: Clinton and Obama both campaign heavily in
} Pennsylvania. April 22 is the primary, and it's an important one!
} Hackworthy announces a book: "Triumph of the Non-Accountant: Drinking
} the Coolaid".
} april 6, 2008: hackworthycoolaid.org becomes one of the best-visited
} sites on the internet, being visited 34 times more than wikipedia.
} Some bloggers question this statistic, but they are just disgruntled
} wikipedia editors.
} april 8, 2008: "Triumph of the Non-Accountant: Drinking the Coolaid"
} becomes a runaway success, making the bestseller list as a book that
} sold better than the bible or even "Atlas Shrugged". Some people
} wonder about this, but they're just wacko fundamentalists or Ayn Rand
} april 9, 2008: Hackworthy appears on the Daily Show as a guest. He
} promotes his book.
} april 10, 2008: Hackworthy on Larry King Live. Hackworthy becomes a
} familiar face in America.
} april 15, 2008: Robert "Coolaid" Hackworthy announces as running in
} the democratic primary. When confronted with the question that he's
} male, white, completely inexperienced and a very bad singer, and
} there's no way he will win enough delegates, how in the world does he
} think he will win, he smiles.
} april 16, 2008: In a shock announcement, Ted Kennedy switches
} allegiance and endorses Hackworthy.
} april 17, 2008: Hackworthy is now appearing in nation-wide tracking
} polls: Obama 45%, Clinton 44%, Hackworthy 32%! Some people wonder why
} this adds up to significantly more than 100%, but it's just
} complicated statistics and entirely normal for things to add up to
} more than 100% sometimes.
} april 18, 2008: Hackworthy holds a massive campaign rally in
} Philadelphia. His speech: "Drink the coolaid! Hackworthy for prez!"
} rouses the crowd. 4 million people are reported to have shown up.
} Hillary staffer questions those numbers and calls Hackworthy shady.
} The media spins this as a slur against Hackworthy and staffer has to
} april 19, 2008: Polls for Pennsylvania shows Hackworthy is catching up
} with Clinton! Clinton 54%, Obama 45%, Hackworthy 50%! Several
} mathematicians resign, but they're just Clinton and Obama supporters.
} april 20, 2008: Hackworthy announces his economic plan, and a
} comprehensive national health insurance plan. He expects to be able to
} lower income tax to 1%, and fix the budget deficit by 2010. By
} exporting health care to China, he fixes the trade deficit, and with
} the money saved gives everybody insurance. Pundits debate this plan. A
} pundit who questions this plan as unrealistic is booed off the stage:
} it's clear he's a McCain supporter.
} april 22, 2008: Robert "Coolaid" Hackworthy WINS the primary in
} Pennsylvania with a smashing victory, taking 5171161% of the votes! He
} thereby wins 3722 delegates ensuring the democratic nomination! Obama
} concedes in a gracious victory speech. Hillary, when asked, remarks
} she "didn't follow the outcome of the primary."
} april 23, 2008: Results in Pennsylvania are questioned by bloggers,
} who suspect shading bookkeeping by the voting machines used. Everybody
} ignores those bloggers as conspiracy theorists or people who just
} don't like it that Obama/Clinton lost.
} may 14, 2008: Hackworthy announces his running mate, shady laywer
} Arnold D. Overton.
} november 4. 2008: Hackworthy wins the general election with 120%
} percent of the votes. The democrats win 187% of the house, and 171% of
} the senate. Those republicans not up for re-election in the senate
} have to vacate their positions to make room for the excess new
} january 18, 2012: You win the lottery! That 17 million dollars super
} ultra jackpot, it's all YOURS!!!
} So dear supplicant, that's when you win the lottery. Unfortunately the
} economy is by then in "Very Good Shape Indeed' (Hackworthy) and the
} Federal Reserve has been bought by a shady property tycoon from India.
} As a result, your 17 million dollars are worth only 50.4 cents in
} today's money. 1% has to go to the state in income taxes, so you will
} be left with the equivalent of 13 cents exactly.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Triumph of the Non-Accountant: Drinking
} the Coolaid". I got to show this to my buddy in the other time line.
} So funny!