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Internet Oracularities #1436

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1436, 1436-01, 1436-02, 1436-03, 1436-04, 1436-05, 1436-06, 1436-07, 1436-08, 1436-09, 1436-10


Internet Oracularities #1436    (32 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 12 May 2008 13:42:28 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1436
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1436  32 votes 56b82 4ae31 37778 4b971 15ae2 296c3 2h940 1a984 039d7 14f39
1436  3.1 mean  2.9   2.6   3.3   2.7   3.3   3.2   2.5   3.1   3.8   3.5


1436-01    (56b82 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the Bible considered so inspired? If you look at the Old
> Testament especially some parts of it seem less holy than Saradomin in
> Runescape or paganism. All this stuff about paying silver to marry the
> maiden you raped and all the fighting and empty rituals and nothing at
> all about falling in love or how beautiful nature is, which (the
> nature) is mentioned in passing mostly only because they were
> surrounded by the stuff. Eh, what do you expect, given how everyone
> was at the time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, it's rough in there.  Let's look at the top ten exciting things
} in the Bible, shall we?  That should shed a little light on the subject
} of why people think it's so inspired.
}
} 10) Bellringar and Belshazzar dress up as each other to fool a pen pal
} who has come for a first date with Bellringar.  Hilarity.
}
} 9) Daniel ends up in the lion's den for refusing to tip his hat to the
} capitalist factory-owner.  Mini-series.
}
} 8) Adam and Eve's Serpentine Love Triangle - who will win the hand of
} fair Eve?  Stay tuned!
}
} 7) Lot's crazy daughters can hear their biological clock ticking.  Will
} they find a man in time?
}
} 6) "Curse God and Die" - a made-for-TV movie based on the life of Job.
} Musical comedy with some dark elements.  Not for children or depressed
} people.
}
} 5) Not Without My Feedbox.  A documentary about the charges of neglect
} filed against Joseph and Mary after their child was found half-crazed
} in a pile of grain.
}
} 4) What Not to Hair - Absalom gets a makeover and finally has his hair
} done in this stunning episode.  You know that he'll be more successful
} now that he can show off his figure.
}
} 3) My Little Riverbabe - Pilot.  Egyptian queen pulls an abandoned baby
} out of the river  - but she gets more than she bargained for!
}
} 2) Can stem-cell research restore life to the dry bones?  Dr. E. Zekiel
} talks about the latest findings.
}
} And the number one show on the all-Inspiration network is:
}
} 1) American Idol.  Golden calves, foals, and other animals compete to
} see who shines best.
}
} Well, I feel inspired.  Don't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a pillar of garlic powder and Rachel Ray.


1436-02    (4ae31 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the...?  Was I doing it or wasn't I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yea, verily, ancient history reporteth thou shalt
} remembereth thine Eleventh Commandment, "Don't get
} caught."
}
} Remember the first commentary, "Don't admit you're
} doing wrong UNLESS it's likely you've gotten caught or
} are seriously suspected of something, then, if
} possible, don't try to get away with total innocence,
} admit to something less guilty looking or a lesser
} offense, that way they actually tend to respect you as
} a stand-up guy."
}
} So if possible, if it's bad, claim you didn't do it;
} if it's good, claim you did.  But that can't be right,
} there has to be one answer, so I will try again.
}
} The Oracle has taken substantial effort and trouble to
} try and solve this otherwise insoluble puzzle, and has
} used the most powerful and effective method of problem
} solving known to man, the common coin, and using a
} randomizing procedure known as a "toss" has come up
} with the true and definitive answer to your question.
}
} Tails.
}
} You owe the Oracle $2.00 since I have to get some
} profit over the quarter I had to use to solve this
} question.  Don't give me any guff about still having
} the quarter, just pay the two bucks.


1436-03    (37778 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the Dolly Llama?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Dolly Llama: for when you *really* need to get a piano up the
} Himalayas!


1436-04    (4b971 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh authorized super genius, smarter than coyotes and more dexterous
> than cats!  Master behind Acme!
>
> Who would win a race between Speedy Gonzales and the Roadrunner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question has caused a massive rift in the sea of
} tranquility to which The Oracle normally floats, as it
} is causing a massive dissension.  I wasn't sure, and
} before I could answer, The Flying Spaghetti Monster
} claimed Road Runner would win, and The Invisible Pink
} Unicorn is betting on Speedy.
}
} I asked Satan, and he walked away in disgust, saying
} he wasn't getting in between a fight between FSM and
} IPU, it was bad enough when he sided with me over the
} Kevin Smith movie "Dogma" and IPU was mad at both of
} us for a week for saying we liked her portrayal by
} Alanis Morissette.
}
} So I decided to use the most complicated selection
} system I can think of: I tossed a coin.  The answer is
}
} Tails.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new quarter to replace the one he
} used deciding your question.  What do you mean, I
} still have the quarter?  Just shut up and pay the two
} bits.


1436-05    (15ae2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@roadrunner.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, to whom "Equivelent Exchange" does not apply (unless he
> wants it to)
>
> How does one make the "Philosiper's Stone"?
>
> -Edward Elric

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your spelling is atrocious, but I'll let that pass... this time.
}
} The "Philosniper's Stone" (Philosniper: lit. "lover of long-distance
} killing") is a magical stone that is guaranteed to bash your target's
} brain out when you throw it no matter how far away he is. First
} crafted by David prior to his battle with the Philistine Goliath, the
} recipe for creating such a stone has passed down the ages from
} assassin to assassin.
}
} Fortunately for you, I happen to have a copy.
}
} In a silver basin blessed by a priest and forged by virgin hands,
} place a hair of the target. Add two pints of children's tears
} (extracted as you please), then simmer slowly, stirring once,
} counterclockwise, every night at midnight. Add eye of newt, wing of
} bat, heart of a lawyer, and a mushroom that was used as a stool for a
} toad (careful: do not substitute a toadstool) after the first month;
} continue stirring and simmering. Add a drop of your blood after
} another month, then empty the container into a marble basin. Drop the
} stone to be blessed into the basin and allow to steep until needed.
} Season to taste. Serves one.
}
} Or you could just go out and buy yourself a rifle with a decent scope.
} Your call.


1436-06    (296c3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are two black bears roaming New Jersey.  Schools are closing, the
> police are out in helicopters, it's a real mess.
>
> So my question is: how can we import some more bears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Black Bear Black Market


1436-07    (2h940 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1-191-999-2384

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *brrrng!*
}
} *brrrng!*
}
} *brrrclick!* "Ozymandias, King of Kings, look on my works ye mighty
} and despair, how may I serve you?"
}
} "No, sir, you have the wrong number."
}
} "No, sir."
}
} "Sir, I can't help what number you were given."
}
} "No, sir, this is not the Oracle."
}
} "Sir, as I said, I can't help what number appears on their site."
}
} "I'm sorry, sir, we don't deal in woodchucks here."
}
} "That's right, sir."
}
} "Have a good day."
}
} *click!*
}
} You owe the Oracle free directory service.


1436-08    (1a984 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I defeat the computer programmer?  He always is the death of
> me, and I'm running out of quarters.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Voice Over: Today on "Truth Orrie Dares To Speak"
} The Internet Oracle deals with the rising problem
} of Geek Shops!
}
} [ scene: A dingy metal door in a wall at the end
}    of an alley. A really, really dirty alley, all
}    dark and, well, dirty. ]
}
} Oracle: Behind this door is a Geek Shop. A shop were
}          hot babes throw away their dignity, their
}          lives, their quarters just for a chance to
}          gaze on A Geek!
}
} [ Dramatic Music as the Oracle enters the Geek Shop.
}    On the walls are O'Reilly Manuals, LotR DVDs, pocket
}    protectors and bare motherboards -- staring at these
}    are some super hot, fine looking super models who lower
}    their heads trying not to be noticed by the Oracle
}    and the "Truth Orrie Dares..." camera crew. ]
}
} Oracle: These foxes are drawn here by the lure of
}          geek. Some buy the geek gear you see on the
}          walls, but the real attraction is just down
}          that curtained hallway. If you have beautiful
}          teenage daughters in the room we advise you
}          to send them to their rooms to play with a
}          Barbie doll, right now.
}
} [ The Oracle strides past the curtain. The hallway is
}    lined with stalls. Stalls in which simply stunning
}    women are dropping quarters into slots that then
}    raise metal plates covered with lipstick marks. ]
}
} Oracle: On the other side of those plates are geeks.
}          And these beautiful gals can't get enough.
}
} [ The Oracle stops by one stall. A bodacious honey
}    drops in a quarter, the plate slides aside and we
}    can see a geek sitting in a folding metal chair. ]
}
} Geek: So as I was saying it's a crime Portal didn't
}        sweep the Computer Games awards for '07, oh
}        sure it's not an FPS, but the way it bends physics
}        with no regard for the conversation of energy
}        is a riot! And the AI! Wow, it's whimsical and
}        menacing at once, like the way MUD monsters used
}        to be. I remember this one Mordor MUD that had this
}        Little Match Girl NPC that...
}
} Super Model: OH! OH! OH!
}
} Oracle: Depraved? Yes. A threat to society? Maybe. We'll
}          look further into these and other issues after
}          this commercial message...
}
} [ Cut to commercial ]


1436-09    (039d7 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who would win in a fight, Beethoven or Edgar Allen Poe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They would both just sort of lie there.


1436-10    (14f39 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Caesar is dead.  How interesting.  Who is Caesar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Caesar was a salad. What little we know of him
} comes to us through fragments of plays of yore,
} that have survived the ravages of time. Below is
} one such fragment:
}
} =======================================================}
} ANTONY:
} Friends, Romaine Lettuce, croutons, tine me your forks;
} I come to eat a Caesar salad, not to toss him.
}
} CROWD:
} The wilt! Lettuce the wilt!
}
} ANTONY:
} Good taste is often inferred with/by sauce;
} So let it be with Caesar! Your noble Waiter
} Hath told your Caesar was coming soon:
} If it were so, it was a grievous wait!
}
} CROWD:
} The Wilt! Feed us the wilt!
}
} Soothsayer:
} Beware the iceberg of head lettuce!
} =======================================================}
}
} You owe the Oracle a really weird rainstorm and a noble
} Porsche.


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