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Internet Oracularities #1437

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Internet Oracularities #1437    (34 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 03 Jun 2008 12:46:52 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1437
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1437  34 votes 478e1 48c82 03ca9 029ad 438c7 19f63 26a79 29b57 16e76 3bc44
1437  3.3 mean  3.0   2.9   3.7   4.0   3.4   3.0   3.4   3.2   3.3   2.9


1437-01    (478e1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !TOZ

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc! Come here!!!
}
} - Yes, O extrasensory one, whose dandruff alone causes me to weep for
} joy? I haste to thy presence so that my usual sloth does not betray a
} sign of guilt. What have I done this time?
}
} Zadoc, look at this ZOT.
}
} - It's backwards, your incomprehensibleness.
}
} Do you think it might have reflected off of something?
}
} - The only thing that could reflect a ZOT is your Oracular Armour, and
} it's safely locked in the, um, at least I think it was, um, you don't
} really want me to talk about your Armour, do you?
}
} Zadoc, did you let anyone borrow my Oracular Armour?
}
} - Um, an itinerant armour polisher came by last week and offered to...
}
} YOU KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO POLISH IT YOURSELF! You fool, you let some
} supplicant steal my armour!
}
} - Sir, it's not steel, it's Oracanium, and it's nearly self-polishing,
} and the itinerant looked so helpless and harmless. It was just a little
} work for him as an act of charity...
}
} I KNOW DAMNED WELL WHAT IT'S MADE OF. And I know what's going to happen
} to both my armour polishers, you and the fake one.
}
} - No, no, not the Oracular Exchange Ray!!! You haven't used that since
} the time you replaced Indiana University with the University of
} Indiana.
}
} Zadoc, and you, too, supplicant, keep your eyes on the curly beam from
} the Exchange Ray's turbo laser, lest you be injured. 3, 2, 1, 0.
} [A nasty device goes phsvrtwzschwrszczwch.]
}
} Former Zadoc, you are now naught but a supplicant. Former supplicant,
} you have been demoted to a trace of slime that bears the name Zadoc.
} Return my Oracular Armour and we'll see about promoting you to a full
} vat of slime.


1437-02    (48c82 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which do you hate more--marmotiferous supplicants, or the woodchucks
> they bring to you?
>
> Oh, and I don't have any. Look up my sleeves. No woodchucks. But you
> knew that already.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} / TEMPLE COURTYARD.  The sun is setting behind the statue of the
} Unknown Supplicant, casting long romantic shadows across the courtyard.
} Somewhere a fountain trickles, leaves blow lazily as though a warm
} summer breeze is blowing and a few birds twitter to one another.
} Suddenly the leaves start fluttering more violently.  The light fades
} to a uniform gloom and the birds stop singing.  Even the fountain is no
} longer audible.  A figure appears in the gateway, looks around lazily
} as though they own the place then strides across the courtyard and into
} the temple.  Cut to:  TEMPLE INTERIOR.  The camera pans down the length
} of the temple from what we infer to be the figure in the courtyard's
} POV, focussing in on a large stone, obsidian and jade throne at the end
} of a corridor of monstrously carved figures.  We briefly glance at some
} of the columns and see donkey-headed eagles, crocodile tailed lemurs
} and horned lions all eating or tormenting what appear to be marmots.
} The camera shifts round to the side and the figure strides into the
} view. He takes his staff and thumps it on the floor, once, twice, three
} times, then kneels and bows his head. /
}
} Supplicant:  O oracle I beseech thee, answer my plea!
}
} / After a pause when nothing happens the supplicant lifts his head and
} looks around. /
}
} Oracle:  Over here you idiot.  That's just for special occasions.
}
} / The supplicant picks himself up, sighs, then strides over to where
} the oracle is sitting on an ergonomic chair that could pass as an
} instrument of torture, behind a modern beech desk with a small sign
} that says "Internet Oracle(tm) What do you want to know today?" The
} supplicant pulls out a rather angular and uncomfortable looking
} visitors chair and drops into it. /
}
} S:  O oracle I beseech thee, answer my plea!
}
} O:  [quickly] Before we begin I'd just like to clarify a few points
} with you.  Oracular services are provided by Internet Oracle Services
} Plc and are regulated by the Oracular Services Authority (registration
} 93720-837983/72994/B)  IOS is a member of the Oracle Fraud
} Anti-Register and as such may provide other members with details about
} this transaction for the sole purpose of preventing Oracular Fraud.  By
} entering into an oracular transaction with us you will take on certain
} obligations and grant certain powers to IOS.  Your statutory rights as
} a supplicant are not affected.  Do you understand?
}
} / The oracle stares at the supplicant who shifts uneasily in his seat.
}
} S: Er...yes I think so.
}
} / O:  Right so if I could just take a few personal details from you.
} Name.
}
} S:  Seymour.
}
} O:  Surname.
}
} S:  Cummings.  Hey don't you know this stuff already?
}
} O:  [sniggering] You can ask your question in a moment.  This won't
} take long.  Postcode.
}
} S:  [affronted] I didn't ask my parents to call me that!  Look do I
} really have to answer this stuff?  I thought this was supposed to be
} anonymous!
}
} O:  This is just for our marketing records.  So we can work out who's
} asking questions and what type they are so we can target our marking
} more effectively.  Your question will not be stored with your personal
} data, only the question categorisation will remain on the system.
}
} S:  Well I don't want to answer any more questions.  I want to ask one!
}
} O:  [sadly] By gathering this data we can fully optimise the whole
} question/answer experience....
}
} S:  So that's a no then.  Can I ask my question now?
}
} O:  If I really can't persuade you.  It really will help us to improve
} our service to you in the future.
}
} S:  Well I'm asking my question now, not later! [pause]  Which do you
} hate more -- marmotiferous supplicants, or the woodchucks they bring to
} you?
}
} O:  Hmmmm.......
}
} S:  Oh, and I don't have any. Look up my sleeves. No woodchucks.  But
} you knew that already.
}
} /  The oracle's eyes open wide in astonishment and we pan to a shot of
} the supplicant with a large and growing bump between his legs. /
}
} O: [aiming Staff of ZOT] Nothing up your sleeves indeed, but I knew
} about the one you keep down your trousers.  [ZOTTING]  I think I hate
} the supplicants more than the [stammering] w...w...w...what they bring
} with them. [Briskly and businesslike] If you have any complaints about
} your answer you are entitled to appeal against the answer through the
} Answers Tribunal.  Complaints must be in writing within 28 days.
}
} / The oracle slaps a small brass bell by his right hand which causes
} the smoking remains of the chair and supplicant to drop through the
} floor and be replaced by another identical chair. /
}
} O:  Next!


1437-03    (03ca9 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Unfathomable, inexplicable, unknowable, infamous Oracle!
>
> I have undergone what zen-practitioners call the "ego-death", that is,
> I have realized that the difference between "me", "the universe" and
> "everybody else" is insubstantial. As a consequence, I now completely
> lack egoistic or selfish thoughts. How do I best go about bragging
> about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The traditional method is to leave copies of "The Tao of Physics"
} and "Blood Meridian" around a house decorated with "12 Monkeys"
} posters and Chinese folding wall partitions decorated with koi
} while you yourself wear organic sandals and tee shirts with
} the "Blue Sun" logo on them while listening to "Visions of an
} Emerald Beyond" and "Ghosts I-IV" play on a continuous loop from
} hidden speakers behind your minimalist furniture and gun safes.
} But this is not the path for you grasshopper, you seek a even
} more subtle method of rubbing your Zen Nature in the face of
} your inferiors. Sit. And contemplate this koan:
}
} A Zen Master comes home and finds that his humble mountain
} shack has been ransacked by bandits. He pulls out his cell
} phone and calls a number at random and tells the puzzled
} person he reaches this, "They stole my things, but left the
} view from my window of the setting sun on the snow swept peaks.
} What foolish thieves." To which the person replied something
} along the lines of "Huh?" To which the Zen Master bluntly
} stated, "There was no one here to hear my blissfully astute
} and obtuse observation. So I, your better no matter who you
} are, called you, at random." To which the person said, "Like
} anyone gives a hoot." And then the Zen Master would have been
} enlightened if he hadn't been so full of himself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hot dog with mustard, chili, ketchup,
} relish, onions, paprika, wasabi, sauerkraut, those little
} multicolored sprinkles they put on doughnuts and cupcakes,
} some shreds of finely grated raw bacon, & a dollop of maple
} syrup.


1437-04    (029ad dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The human body doesn't seem to show much resistance when stretched 4.9
> meters. In 10 microseconds. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are terribly sorry for the inconvenience. A flaw has been
} discovered in the latest version of humans, causing the effect you
} noticed. Because of this flaw, humans which are stretched rapidly to
} such lengths often experience discorporation. This bug has been fixed
} in Humans Service Pack 4, which adds a genetic sequence which protects
} your human from such effects. Additional improvements in SP4 include:
}    -Now supports 'green' as a hair color.
}    -Bladder now has a larger buffer, not needing to be cleared as often.
}    -Previous versions had a bug which did not load intelligence
} correctly if the human had blonde hair. This has been fixed.
}    -Improved firewall, meaning less burns.
}    -A bug caused many humans to enjoy reality TV. This has been fixed.
}    -Humans will no longer send the null question.
}    -Fixed a bug which caused many humans to not grovel to the Oracle.
}    -There was a bug in pregnant women, in which an array overflowed
} into the memory used for appetite, filling this with random and
} erroneous values. This has been fixed.
}    -Fixed several allergies.
}    -Belly button no longer collects lint.
}    -In rare cases, a human would want to become a priest of the
} Oracle. This has been fixed.
}    -Improved hygiene.
} You can download Service Pack 4 from our website at
} http://www.hum ans.com/service_pack_4. In the coming years we will
} introduce a revolutionary new version, Humans 2012. Until then, Humans
} XP is the perfect choice for your home or business.


1437-05    (438c7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@ewhac.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Call Screener] KRKL! Can I help you?
}
} [Call Screener] ...Oh, you have a question for Oracle? What's the
} question?
}
} [Call Screener] ...and your sister was still outside? Uh-huh...
}
} [Call Screener] ...Oh! I see! Yes, okay, hang on. You're on line 4.
}
} *click*
}
} [Oracle] ...without the water.
}
} [Moderator Tim] Drink it without the water! HA! HA! Priceless!
}
} [Caller] But will that cure it?
}
} [Oracle] It's going to cure tomorrow, whether you do this or not.
}          But at least it won't show.
}
} [Moderator Tim] HA! It WON'T SHOW! I love it! Okay, thanks for calling.
}                 Next on line 6 we have Alfred from Fresno.  Alfred?
}
} *dial tone*
}
} [Moderator Tim] Whoops! We lost Alfred. Too bad; that call looked
}                 interesting. Let's go to line 2, we have Amanda from
}                 Rancho Cucamonga. Amanda?
}
} [Amanda] Hi, Tim!
}
} [Moderator Tim] Hi, Amanda. What's your question?
}
} [Amanda] Hi, Oracle!
}
} [Oracle] Hello, Amanda.
}
} [Amanda] Hootie-hoo!
}
} [Moderator Tim] Amanda, what's your question?
}
} [Amanda] Permission to enter the room of brilliance?
}
} [Moderator Tim] Permission granted, Amanda. What's your question?
}
} [Amanda] And a shout-out to my neighbor Jon, I'm so excited to finally
}          be on the air.
}
} [Moderator Tim] Fine. I hope you enjoyed that. Let's go to line 7,
}                 we have Barbara from... no, we're late.  We have to
}                 go to commercial first. When we come back, we'll hear
}                 from Barbara on line 7.
}
} [Moderator Tim] And we're off the air. The commercials are playing.
}                 Oracle, are you doing okay? Want some water, or
}                 anything?
}
} [Oracle] No thanks, Tim. Can you believe that Amanda?
}
} [Moderator Tim] Happens all the time. I've learned to cut them off.
}
} [Oracle] Yes, very nicely handled.
}
} [Moderator Tim] Thanks. Okay, we got 40 more seconds... 20 more
}                 seconds... 5... 4... 3... 2...
}
} [Moderator Tim] Welcome back. KRKL time is 9:48 AM, and we're here live
}                 with the Internet Oracle until the 10 o'clock news.
}                 I promised that when we got back we'd hear from Barbara
}                 on line 7.
}
} [Barbara] Oracle, please forgive my lack of grovel but I'm kind of in a
}           hurry. See, my friend Mike invited me to his house to go
}           swimming. We had a great time in the pool for a couple of
}           hours, but then Mike's football team showed up to give him a
}           surprise birthday party. I didn't want to go home smelling
}           like chlorine, so Mike said it would be okay if I took a
}           shower before I left. I locked the restroom door, of course.
}           But Mike's mother has a key. She's also deaf, when her hearing
}           aid isn't on, and she doesn't see very well. I saw her come in
}           and pick up the laundry basket, then leave. When I was
}           finished with my shower, I realized that I don't have my
}           clothes anymore ... or my swimsuit ... or a towel ... all I
}           have is the wet washcloth. I'm totally naked! I tried calling
}           out for help, but the party's getting pretty wild now ...
}           nobody can hear me. All I have is my cell phone. I tried
}           calling the house but the line was busy. How do I get
}           someone's attention, so I can get them to bring my clothes
}           back up, without flashing the entire football team?
}
} [Oracle] Oh, poor Barbara! That really is quite a bad situation you're
}          in... those guys are starting to get drunk, and if they realize
}          you're in the bathroom without any clothes...
}
} [Barbara] Yeah, I don't want to go there.
}
} [Oracle] The real tragedy is, there's a very simple solution to your
}          problem ... but you're not going to hear it, because the
}          battery in your cell phone is about to die.
}
} [Barbara] Oh, my god! You mean I'm...
}
} *click*   *dial tone*
}
} [Oracle] Oh well, I'm sure she'll figure something out.
}
} [Moderator Tim] I sure hope so. Okay, let's go to Supplicant on line 4.
}                 Supplicant?
}
} [Oracle] Hello, Supplicant?
}
} [Moderator Tim] He didn't hang up... but I don't hear him talking.
}
} [Oracle] He put the phone down and walked away.
}
} [Moderator Tim] You don't have to be omniscient to figure that one out!
}                 Okay, let's move on to Judy from Indiana on line 12.
}
} [Judy] Oracle most magnificent, your wisdom is brighter than the
}        brightest of the bright! How do I remove soap from a VCR?
}
} [AllanW]
}
} You owe the Oracle a question.


1437-06    (19f63 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do zombies love live human flesh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dead flesh doesn't fight back with shotguns, and fire,
} and wickedly conceived deadfall traps. You see zombies
} want to be killed. Being undead sucks big time. You're
} always rotting, your clothes cling to your body like wet
} paper towels drenched in bacon grease, no one will let
} you use their cellphone, and flowers slowly wilt as
} you stare at them. This makes zombie existence like one
} unending night of waiting outside the prom for a date
} that never shows.
}
} You owe the Oracle five hundreds round of double-ought.


1437-07    (26a79 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just found out my girlfriend is preggers. What do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, YOU probably panic and say something callous and insensitive that
} will ruin her opinion of you forever, regardless of what happens.
} However, if you had an infinitesimal understanding of such things, you
} would realize that any choice you have in the matter, other than voting
} on abortion legislation, is purely illusory. You forfeited your right
} to have a say in such when you grabbed that box of Saran Wrap and said,
} "This should work, no problem."
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation and a new box of Saran Wrap.


1437-08    (29b57 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come Rite-Aid only hires women cashiers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They don't snicker when people buy 4 tubes of KY-Jelly
} and a turkey baster at the same time as they get their
} Paxil prescription filled.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clean-up on question four.


1437-09    (16e76 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What is wrong with my joystick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know what's worrying you, and yes, you're right to be concerned.
} I'll keep on with your euphemism, since I see you're easily
} embarrassed.
}
} Remember that wild LAN party you went to last month, and the girl you
} met there?  Well, while you were playing on her system, you picked up
} a virus.  It won't fry your PCB or anything like that, but as you've
} noticed, the responsiveness you've come to expect has been compromised.
} If you let the virus run its course, no one will want to play with you.
}
} If I were you, I'd take your issue to a qualified technician, pronto.
} And next time, please, use some encryption when you plug into someone
} else's USB port.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fragfest.


1437-10    (3bc44 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are 3 female German cockroaches in a clear gallon jug with
> a pinhole, two of them pregnant. I'm starting to have somewhat of
> a collection here. Should I breed them? Get some males and more
> containers as the population grows. The reason why I'm asking you
> is there anything useful that could come of this? This is a solution
> without a problem. Otherwise they could just be thrown out. I would
> prefer financial, though amusing or some other beneficial would still
> be acceptable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, having them in your apartment saves you from having
} to spend money on a huge neon sign that flashes, "I am an
} unwed male away from home for the first time!" since it
} conveys the same message just as clearly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bright red convertible Jaguar.


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