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Internet Oracularities #1438

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1438, 1438-01, 1438-02, 1438-03, 1438-04, 1438-05, 1438-06, 1438-07, 1438-08, 1438-09, 1438-10


Internet Oracularities #1438    (33 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2008 09:44:01 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1438
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1438  33 votes 23ed1 68d33 08bd1 1dc43 37b84 86b26 39a74 02cb8 09e64 59685
1438  3.1 mean  3.2   2.7   3.2   2.8   3.1   2.8   3.0   3.8   3.2   3.0


1438-01    (23ed1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All hail the Oracle, for his every utterance tops spending one's
> time in learned trifles; darkening counsel by words or mystifying
> the more by attempting to unravel mysteries, by putting truths
> before a lantern by which, at best, we see but darkly.
>
> Ok, I admit it. I'm a skinny geek with thick glasses and
> asthma -- but I want to be a futbal hooligan (is that the
> correct wording?)... anyway how to I go about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It starts with a little blind stupidity.  What do you care about
} wording?
}
} Next you have to go to football games.
}
} Drink a few beers.  This is going to be fun.
}
} Hit anyone that calls it soccer.
}
} Hit anyone who's cheering for the other team.
}
} Hit anyone who's cheering for your team.
}
} Hit anyone who tries to stop you from hitting people.
}
} You owe the Oracle the highlight reels.


1438-02    (68d33 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> The expedition is going well. There were an estimated 20 saboteurs on
> board when we set out, but the mythical beast that apparently came
> aboard in the coffin we agreed to ship to London has killed off the
> crew one by one, so there should not be more than three or four by now.
> I tasked Dr. Jones, my second in command that fate so miraculously send
> to my rescue after my first choice, Thompson, had a sudden outbreak of
> stabwounditits, with finding them out. (What extraordinary luck he was
> in that dark ally when Thompson became sick, for without him, I would
> have been forced to call off the expedition after all.) He tells me the
> box of dynamite he is carrying around for no reason at all will help
> him with this. A man of many talents, he is, our Dr. Jones, and I must
> introduce you some time when I return. Scurvy has not been a major
> problem so far, as we stocked up on Vitamin-C enriched sparkling water
> with radish flavor before we left Vancouver.
>
> We made landfall near (old) Amsterdam two days ago and looked for a
> local guide to take us inland. The natives are superstitious and
> afraid, obviously, and we had to part with the larger part of our maple
> sirup to even make promising contacts, but we finally found somebody
> who is willing to make this dangerous voyage with us. His name is
> Guldengrabber, an ugly and mischievous fellow that hides an
> enormous-axe-shaped disfiguration under a black coat that he never
> takes off, even when he sleeps. I do not entirely trust him, because he
> happens to be the owner of the local general store where we acquired
> some rope, tents and a couple of Kawasaki Ninja motorcycles, and he
> took a little long with my Visa in the back room. But he claims to have
> been there, and I suppose it is just my prejudice about his ugliness
> and his pack of large black hounds with glowing red eyes that stir up
> imaginations in my tired mind. We will set out tomorrow, he says there
> is a road that starts directly south of here.
>
> Belgium! Can you believe it? To be the one who discovers the legendary
> land of chocolate and beer made from berries. You know how obsessed I
> have been with the myth since I first read about it in my children's
> books when I was forty-three. And what triumph it will be when I bring
> back proof to those who mocked me. Me, the discoverer of Belgium, land
> of our dreams, symbol of our desires!
>
> But now that I am closer to fulfilling my dream, I feel strangely
> unsettled, like I overlooked something or some unknown hazard still
> lurks in some dark corner of the primitive skycrapers around us. Is
> there any last advice you can give me, O Oracle, before I walk towards
> my destiny?
>
> I entrust this letter to a man who is pointing an automated machine gun
> at me. His apparently excellent marksmanship will, I hope, see to it
> reaching you safely.
>
> Always yours,
>
> Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, not really. You're doing well. Guard the chocolate. You owe the
} Oracle 1700 kilos of Belgian Dark 72% chocolate.


1438-03    (08bd1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Should I ask lots of questions during the meeting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. You've already shown, by asking me a question, that you are
} good at it.
}
} Ask why the meeting is being held, and by what authority. Ask why the
} people who organized it forgot to invite your mother. Ask them why they
} didn't invite ME. Ask if you can be excused to go to the bathroom, but
} when given astonished permission, don't go. Ask if the proceedings of
} the meeting will be published in French. Ask the name of the capital of
} New Jersey. (It's Trenton.) Ask where and when the next meeting will be
} held, and then ask why they are lying to you about their answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fly on the wall.


1438-04    (1dc43 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know when you have an opened bottle of water on your desk and
> someone stops by and they have a bottle of water and they put it down
> next to yours and you talk a while and then no one knows whose water
> is which in the end! And you just don't want to drink either because
> it might have the other guy's spit so you have to throw it away even
> though there's people in the world with no water! I hate this! Please
> help, tell me how I can avoid this?  Does God kn ow? Esse est percipi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Professor Berkely,
}
} How astute of you to go to the heart of the question: if human
} senses can't tell the difference between water with your own spit,
} and water with your friend's, is there really a difference at all?
} For that matter, is there even water in the bottles at all when no
} one is there to taste it?
}
} Relax, I've got it covered.
}
} Since the Oracle is omnipresent, I keep an eye on the water bottles
} at all times, to maintain their continued existence. It's a dirtyjob,
} but someone has to do it.  I took this over from God, because he's
} become bored with it and hasn't very reliable lately.
}
} But in a situation like this, I try to resolve the situation fairly:
} I stop noticing the spit in both bottles, leaving nothing but distilled
} H20, uncontaminated with anything. I even ignore the volatiles in of
} the plastic bottles, even though you couldn't detect that, either.
} So when you pick up either bottle, it's as though you were taking a
} fresh one off the rack.
}
} Don't bother to thank me, but you owe me a branch off that non-existent
} tree in the yard.


1438-05    (37b84 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Impossible but Undenyable Oraycle, where is all that stuff I owe you?
> I'm sure I have not sent it yet, but most of it I can't even identify.
> Like the Solid Gold Chronotabulatolizer? Or the 1984 Edsel? I mean, they
> made Edsels in 1959 or whatever, right? Not 1984. Where the hell am I
> going to find a car they didn't even make?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impossible but Undenyable Oraycle, where is all that stuff I owe you?
} I'm sure I have not sent it yet, but most of it I can't even identify.
} Like the Solid Gold Chronotabulatolizer? Or the 1984 Edsel? I mean, they
} made Edsels in 1959 or whatever, right? Not 1984. Where the hell am I
} going to find a car they didn't even make?
}
} The advantage to being an all-seeing entity that pierces the veil of
} time and space is that the Oracle has an "arrangement" with FedEx to
} get items from the future. The practical upshot of this is that you
} have already have going to have sent me everything listed above,
} including items from alternate timestreams which only exist in a
} quantum superstate during this particular frame of reference or were
} expunged by various causal realities leading up to the moment in
} question.
}
} The shipping costs are another matter entirely. You owe the Oracle
} $78,194,399.95 for negative second day overnight delivery fees.


1438-06    (86b26 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Truthful Oracle who knows that a lie hath no feet because
> it cannot stand alone. In fact, a lie wants twenty others to
> support it, and even then is in constant danger of tripping,
> thus the Oracle is like a billion centipedes!
>
> What do I need to learn most?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's easy...
}
} **ZOT!**
}
} ...not to call the Oracle a liar in the middle of your grovel.
}
} When you recover, you owe the Oracle a googlepede.


1438-07    (39a74 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Talented Oracle most time sensitive,
>
> Is sleep naught but death's counterfeit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Dear Slumbering Supplicant the answer to your question is thus:
}
} Sleep ought not be what it is not.  Sleep ought be only what it aught.
} For Sleep is not Death unless it is the Sleep of Death, unsought.
} But sought, Sleep ought not be less than naught.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sleeping draught.


1438-08    (02cb8 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do they keep breaking into my car?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're waves, that's what they do. Try parking a little
} bit further back from the low tide line.
}
} You owe the Oracle a squeegee guy on a surfboard.


1438-09    (09e64 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And suddenly I find myself beginning my sentences in conjunctions and
> ending in question marks and creating run-ons and rambling on and on
> and it's not even funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's what going to Law School does to a person. You paid
} good money for that. Run with it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really nice suit.


1438-10    (59685 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie (May I call you Orrie? Names are important to me, and I'd
> rather not get yours wrong, as you will see.)
>
> My name is Burma S. Buttuxx. the problem is not my last name (although
> you might think so) because I am descended from a long line of
> respectable Buttuxxes, or whatever our plural is. My school, in a fit
> of geographical rethinking, has just "corrected" my name to Myanmar
> Buttuxx. The school says, "That's what the computer has. We can't
> change it."
>
> I'd hate to get into a full discussion of my name with them, because
> then I might have to reveal my middle name. Hint (as if you needed
> one): It is part of the brand name of a famous facial-care product. My
> great-grandfather rode about in his 1931 Packard, collecting the words
> on every set of those signs, hoping someday to write a book about them.
> Unfortunately someone else beat him to it.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle
}
} A single dime
}
} To pay him back
}
} For wasted time.


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