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Internet Oracularities #1439

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1439, 1439-01, 1439-02, 1439-03, 1439-04, 1439-05, 1439-06, 1439-07, 1439-08, 1439-09, 1439-10


Internet Oracularities #1439    (28 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:01:26 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1439
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1439  28 votes 31b58 37963 26d43 18c43 15769 237c4 117a9 05a94 0279a 04c84
1439  3.4 mean  3.5   3.0   3.0   3.0   3.6   3.5   3.9   3.4   4.0   3.4


1439-01    (31b58 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'O Oracle, I command you to answer all questions about cats and eggs!'
> Is the preceding statement a 'Cat Egg Oracle' IMPERATIVE?!?!?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fine, here you go. An Oracle exclusive, for the first time
} anywhere ever:
}
}              ( ) ( ) 5 Egg & Cat Jokes ( ) ( )
}
} Q: What's something both eggs and big cats fear?
} A: Poachers
}
} Q: What do both cats & eggs do if stick them with an ice pick?
} A: They start running.
}
} Q: What do depressed cats and used eggs have in common?
} A: They're just a shell of their former selves.
}
} Q: What's long and stylish and full of cats and eggs?
} A: An Easter Purrade.
}
} Q: What do smiling tom cats and fresh eggs have in common?
} A: They just got laid.
}
}                      ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )
}
} You owe the Oracle a Korean Restaurant.


1439-02    (37963 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@ewhac.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When is Psyconauts 2 coming out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't hear? Raz was arrested for having non-consensual relations
} with a grue on Monkey Island during the Day of the Dead celebrations.
} He managed to escape his cell by first taking off his gown, and hanging
} it on the hook, then putting the towel over the drain, waiting until
} Ford was asleep and putting Ford's backpack in front of the panel
} in the wall, putting the junk mail on the backpack, and only *then*
} pressing the button on the Babel Fish dispenser. We honestly never
} thought of that. If we ever find the guy, we're giving him a t-shirt.
} Oh, and making that sequel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a road trip with Sam and Max.


1439-03    (26d43 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great all-seeing Oracle...
> Why does the number of supplicants fluctuate so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are constantly on the move. So not only do their numbers
} change, but their appearances, and even their gaits. They can
} never be to careful. Never leaving any clues...
}
} It wasn't always like this. It used to be you could be a
} supplicant and, The Oracle knows this is hard to believe
} now a days, but people could openly in broad public say
} out loud that they were a supplicant.
}
} Then came The Horror.
}
} At first it seemed like such a silly thing, supplicants
} invoking him. It had been so long since he'd last been
} heard of, surely it was just a tale told to newbies to
} shake them up a bit. And you'd think that students at
} a school as prestigious as MisantZotitic University
} would know better. Maybe they did, and didn't care.
}
} As far as we can tell it was a dark and stormy night when
} those ill-fated ones meet down at the computer lab. They
} took their places, sitting not just at any spot, but sitting
} so that if viewed from above they were in a pattern. A
} pattern not unlike a question mark, as in what are we doing?
} We should stop. But they didn't stop. They sat there in his
} shape, and at the appointed time, a time The Oracle dares
} not repeat, a time they found in the forbidden text by
} the mad man O'Reilly. The text called "The Damned Evil
} Parrot Book", because that was on the cover, not a cute
} lemur like thing, or football referees, or even a llama,
} but a damn evil parrot... yes they all logged on to rhod
} and asked the Question: "Who's Afraid of Capt.H**k?"
}
} Nothing happened. Nothing right then. But then one by one
} they died in weird ways. A tragic fishing accident, one
} choked to death being removed from a stage at a talent
} show, another while trying to install a gizmo to hold up
} a mop in closet, one while beckoning with their index
} finger, death by rhino, death while looking at the Big
} Dipper and wondering what it was called before it had
} that name...
}
} Now the Supplicants lived in the crooked shadow of that
} day. Always having to be wary, never sleeping in any one
} place for two nights in a row, never pondering a monkey's
} prehensile tail. And having to constantly change their phone
} numbers, least they find their phones, off the...<shudder>
}
} What was that sound?
} ?
} ?
} NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....ack! ARGH! <sputter>


1439-04    (18c43 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Brutal but vivacious Oracle, everything I know I learned from you. Like
> not mentioning woodchucks, lest I be taken wrongly.
>
> I wanted to find lost treasures, and you said that a lot of money is
> lost in Lost Vegas every day. Millions, you said.
>
> Can you please give me three or five more-or-less foolproof schemes for
> discovering and keeping some of that lost money? I need that many just
> in case we're not as foolproof as we thought.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie! Orrie! Tell me how to get rich, tell me how to live forever,
} tell me how to find love, tell me how to regain the respect of my
} children, peers, and significant others.
}
} Here the Oracle sits able to solve the mysteries of all time and
} the mortals want Dear Abbie and Finical planning, all for the asking.
}
} Look, if it worked that way everyone would be rich and famous and
} sexy and live for centuries.
}
} Gimme, gimme, gimme. And do the mortals pay there tributes to the
} Oracle? Let the all knowing Oracle answer that for you, "No, they
} do not."
}
} OK, fine go to Las Vegas. Wait, first sell everything you own. Hock
} the house, sell the kids to gypsies. Rip out your grandmother's gold
} teeth with pliers. Then go to Las Vegas, go to a roulette wheel.
} Say, "I am a potato! The Yam sees me! Take my soul Sleeping Monster
} of the South Atlantic! Watch this fools!" then bet it all on #42.
} Yes, that's it.
}
} What's the matter? Hmm, if you didn't trust the Oracle why ask in
} the first place? Oh, yes, you want four or five ways to get rich.
} One just isn't enough, gimme more. MORE! MORE I TELL YOU!
}
} Look, do the #42 thing. It'll work. Why in the world would you not
} think so?
}
} You the Oracle nothing, he lives to make you happy.


1439-05    (15769 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@ewhac.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} (DVD manufacturer warning appears)
}
} >>
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} (FBI warning appears)
}
} <
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} (RIAA warning apppears)
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} <<
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} (NSA warning appears)
}
} [Stop]
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} (CIA warning appears)
}
} ||
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} (KGB warning appears)
}
} [DVD Menu]
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} (Microsoft warning appears)
}
} [Zoom]
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} (IRS warning appears)
}
} [Power Off]
}
} "Operation not permitted by disk at this time"
}
} *ZOT!*
}
} (Smoldering, smoking, melted mass of plastic remains where DVD player
} used to be.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a DVD player based on open-source software so He can
} edit and recompile the software to ignore any DVD protections He deems
} unnecessary.


1439-06    (237c4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Triumphant and Glorious:
>
> I'm tired of drudgery, sick to death of small paychecks and large
> bills, and just bored with the conventional ordinariness of my life.
> My question is this:
>
> Oracle, How can I become a Hero?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -- How to Make a Hero --
}
} Ingredients
}
} * 1/2 cup bravery
} * 1/4 cup Italian Attitude (may substitutes w/
}   any other attitude to taste)
} * 3 cups shredded ideals
} * 1 loafer or freeloader, cut in half lengthwise
} * 8 ounces thinly veiled contempt for the law
} * 8 kilos of muscle
} * 2 large cojones
} * 6 slices Scientific Know-How (may substitute w/
}   animal cunning, or trickster antics)
} * 1 Secret Ability and/or Dark Secret
}
} Directions
}
} 1.  Mix everything but the loafer together in a
}     crucible of pain for all humanities woes
} 2.  Toss aside any misconceptions of being loved
}     by all, or honored by society
} 3.  Cram everything into the freeloader and tell
}     him, "It's up to you to Save The World!"
}
} You the Oracle a foot long frankfurter.


1439-07    (117a9 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the Seven Habits of Grossly Obnoxious Supplicants, and how can
> I avoid them while still asking you questions that are, ummm, creative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sin Number One: Lust
}      Obsessive Thoughts about Lisa.  Or Ogwa. Or either one of the
}      priest/priestesses named Tim. Or the Oracle's staff. Or either
}      one of the Tim's hair.
}
}      Example:
}
}      Oh Oracle most wise,
}      What is six inches long, two inches wide and thrills females?
}
} And the lustful reply was:
}
}      A Poorly Formatted Answer that Makes Fun of Men.
}
}      You owe the Oracle some money, yes, yes, yes, OH LISA OH!
}      OH! OH MY GAWD!! LISA!!  Wait...is that Tim over there?
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Two: Gluttony
}      Draining the queue just so you can answer more! and more!
}      Not caring that your lame one liners are never read because
}      you're emailing in HTML and no one reads those ones anyway.
}      Or it's inverse. The begging question with no effort.
}
}      Example of a gluttonous question:
}
}      Oh Oracle most wise,
}      Tell me everything. And make it funny. And really long.
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Three: Greed
}     Asking questions solely out of the hope of getting digested, or a
}     high score.
}
}     Example of a Greedy Question:
}
}     Oh Oracle most wise,
}     Tell me about the Seven Deadly Sins of Question asking!
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Four: Sloth
}     Sending in Steve Wright jokes out of sheer laziness or sending
}     in variations of one request over and over again -- like those
}     lame "My Uncle says he lived in [funny word], but we can't find
}     it in a map..." questions of late.
}
}     Examples of a Slothful Question:
}
}     My Uncle lives on in ParkonthedrivewayDriveontheParkway, Canada.
}     But it's not on a map. Why?
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Five: Wrath
}     Zotting the supplicant, or berating him for a lame question.
}
}     Example of a Wrathful Question and Answer pair:
}
}     My Uncle lives on in ParkonthedrivewayDriveontheParkwayandILL-
}     sendthisinasmanytimesasIwantyoubigstupiddork! But it's not on a
}     map. Why Not?
}
}     Jesus Christ on a pogo-stick stop sending this drivel in!!!!!!
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Six: Envy
}      Hating the "Best of" Digests because by definition you'll never get
}      in there. Ever.
}
}      Example of an Envious Question:
}
}      Hey Orrie, why don't you ever digest GOOD STUFF? HUH? I WROTE
}      U A REAL FUNNY ONE! WHERE IS IT?
}
} ============================================================= }
} Sin Number Seven: Pride
}      Signing your questions or answers.
}
}      Example:
}
}      [AlanW]
}
} ============================================================= }
}
} You owe the Oracle some questions the answers to which will change
} world history.


1439-08    (05a94 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm now writing supplications to you 170 hours per week. What will be
> my reward?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see. Your submissions break down into:
}
} 46% Dense situation-comedy setups. "I am a goldfish
}      farmer with twin sisters who are mermaids and a
}      hungry, but lovable cat. Can you help find a
}      wife?"
}
} 31% Questions written solely to fit in a weak pun.
}      "I can do the can-can. Can I find a job at the
}      canning plant?"
}
} 11% Things that seem like weird paradoxes that you,
}      and only you, have ever noticed. "Doesn't renting
}      a Self-Storage space leave you open to charges
}      of self incarceration?"
}
} 04% Tired questions about tired in jokes. "So if Og
}      and Kendai didn't like soy sauce what would you
}      do?"
}
} 06% Blindly obvious attempts to get digested. "So if
}      Kinzler and both the Tims, brilliant and kind as
}      they all are wanted, some of this gold I found what
}      should I do?"
}
} 02% Questions about flickering images seen on the telly.
}      "So if Knightrider's car backfired near Mr. Ed, what
}      would the horse say?"
}
} Sigh, and not one question that could help your fellow
} humans live better, or advance the sciences, or help
} you deal with a real situation in your life. Your reward
} supplicant is that The Oracle answers your replies, most
} of the time through incarnations that know better than to
} post in MIME or HTML.
}
} You owe the Oracle ten questions that will help your fellow
} humans live better, or advance the sciences, or help
} you deal with a real situation in your life.


1439-09    (0279a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, I'm a Zen master, but I'm happy and I know it and I really want to
> show it. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not as obvious as you might think.
}
} Clap your /other/ hand.


1439-10    (04c84 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O ossified Oracle, who would never dream of posting a dead chicken joke
> to r.h.d.b:
>
> Ring around the Rosie is about the black plague, which doesn't occur
> anymore. Shouldn't we update it for our children, to deal with
> contemporary issues, such as crack babies and Aids?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Black Plague was quite a universal and unavoidable phenomenon in
} the 14th century, while most school-age children don't come into much
} contact with crack babies or AIDS.  However, your concern is a valid
} one -- the Oracle prescribes the following cautionary childhood rhymes
} for modern times:
}
} (ahem)
}
} Ring around the middle
} from Mountain Dew and Skittles
} PS, Xbox,
} and sitting around.
}
} Ring around the campus
} Failing all his classes
} Black coat, rifle
} Can't talk him down.
}
} Ring around the iris
} Pretending we are pirates
} Methylphenidate
} We can't sit down.


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