Goto:

144, 144-01, 144-02, 144-03, 144-04, 144-05, 144-06, 144-07, 144-08, 144-09, 144-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Comrade Oracle: > >   Everything go according to plan, yes?  The Americans suspect nothing > of us?  Moscow really outdid itself now.  Imagine!  Everybody looks up > to you, they come to you for advice.  You are bigger than Dear Abby, > bigger than Ann Landers, and nobody suspects you are a communist mole > from Russia.  Report back to us when the next phase of the plan begins, > okay?  Okay!  Good, good good. >                                                   - Andrei Petrovitch

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, everything is going according to plan, comrade...  Nobody suspects. } I write this answer, but it will not get onto rec.humor, so nobody will } read it.  However, I have a big fear of what will happen after we take } over... } } What if Amerika just decides to secede, like everyone else?  I think of } quitting, times like this. } } You owe me a pay raise.  This hard work!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mightiest of Oracles, my puny mortal soul is perplexed.  Why is it > that you, the most intelligent entitiy in the know universes (and not > far from the top in many universes unknown), do not have a Usenet news- > group all to yourself?  It seems a sin above all sins that you must > share net-space with the dregs of the human race in rec.humor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O self-described puniest of souls, rec.humor is the natural } newsgroup for my musings!  (Don't you love the way computer things } have periods in them instead of spaces?  That and underlines... I } love putting underlines in filenames.  More on that later.) } Most of the people who write these answers are the same ones posting } all the frivolity on rec.humor!  (As I said before, don't you love the } way computer things have periods in them instead of spaces?  That and } underlines... I love putting underlines in filenames.  More on that } later.)  But we wouldn't dare do anything this respectable in public! } That's why we need the Oracle!  But you know, there's just no possible } way in the world I'm going to be able to work into this answer the } concept of ftp sites.  (Speaking of ftp sites, isn't it neat how the } addresses for ftp sites are four 8-bit numbers seperated by, of all } things, periods?  Don't you love the way computer things have periods } in them instead of spaces?  That and underlines... I love putting } underlines in filenames.  More on that later.)  But I still managed } to anyways, for I am the Usenet Oracle.  (Isn't it sad that I don't } have any periods or underlines?  Or even a HYPHEN?  Oh, speaking of } more on the topic, I forgot to include hyphens.  I like filenames } like -347.P_p ... and then I wonder why. } } You owe the Oracle Saturday Night Live seven days a week.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows all but usually answers randomly because no one is > capable of making You do otherwise, what is the _real_ story behind > Shirley Maclean's past lives?  Was she really all those Pharoes and > famous painters, or did she spend most of her previous incarnations > digging up tubers and getting hanged for stealing crusts of bread like > the rest of us?  Do you think she's evolving or getting worse?  I ask > you this, bowing and scraping and contorting myself in displays of > humility, because only You and Shirley know and I don't trust her > account because she's way too flighty.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gleepers!  If someone else were answering this question, they would } think that it were a multiple question, rather than one long, } multi-sentence one!  It's a good thing you got me! } } Shirley's first relevant life was in ancient Mohenjo-Daro, rather a long } time ago.  She was Vorticle Hank, a bartender in The Stuffed Owl, a beer } and pizza joint across from the main temples of the city.  Over the six } hundred and eighteen years of her life (she decided to use her } accumulated karma for longevity, plus she won a karmic lottery), many } generations of priests and whatnot came to drink her beer and rave } drunken wierdo Indian theology at her.  So, she has a long background in } the stuff, but it's kind of disorganized if you get my drift. } } So, basically, she wasn't any of the Pharoahs and other massivley famous } people.  She was the mistress of Pope Pius III, the great-aunt of } Artaxerxes, and had three or four incarnations as lousy French painters } who copied the masters of the time.  She actually did pretty well for } herself -- most people spent their last human incarnations as peasants, } as you implied. } } She has evolved into a new life-form, over ten trillion times as } gullible as an ordinary human. } } You owe the Oracle a karmic loan.  My last check bounced.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm stuck here on a little planet made entirely of dust.  How can I have > fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh.  Haven't any of you recent seekers of knowledge ever heard of } grovelling? } } On a planet full of dust?  Let's see... } }  o Build a dust castle. } }  o Make a dust angel. Lie on your back and wave your arms and kick your }    legs. } }  o Watch those big asteroids.  Don't any of them look like they're }    heading your way?  Lots of fun. } }  o Did you make a dust angel?  Now you can inhale angel dust! } }  o Get practice for your exciting future career as a maintenence }    engineer. } }  o Masturbate. } }  o Or try out your dust angel. } }  o Count how numerous are the motes of dust.  Compare to the number of }    stars. } }  o Get everybody on the planet to jump up at the same time.  You're the }    only one?  Well, that saves some trouble, especially concerns about }    simultaneity under special relativity.  Or, if you're not alone, you }    shouldn't have to masturbate. } }  o Maybe the dust is fun to eat. } }  o Maybe you can think of fun recipes you can make using the dust, e.g }       DUST FLAMBE AU DUST }     Ingredients: some dust }     Instructions: Cook some dust.  Mix some other dust with water, and }       cook until the water boils off.  Mix some more dust with water. }       Cook 'til steaming.  Mix the three together.  Serves some people. } }  o Write a novel in the dust.  Be careful where you step when you make }    spelling corrections. } }  o Write questions to the Oracle in the dust, hoping that passing space }    ships will see the message and pass it along. } } [ Oh. Nevermind about the last one, you've already done it. ] } }  o Write songs about your experiences on the planet of dust, with names }    like "Forbidden Dust," "I Want Some New Dust," "Always a Dust }    Moment," and "Dust in the Wind." } } [ Oh. Forget that last title. ] } }  o Learn to ferment dust.  If succesful, this can lead to many new and }    fun things that you can do, but I'll leave you to discover those for }    yourself. } }  o The most fun thing you can do, though, is answer all the stupid }    questions the Oracle gets for it.  I'll arrange to have that space- }    ship drop you off a batch of 'em, and you just write your answers }    big enough to be seen, we'll do the rest.  Thanks. } } You owe the Oracle an anatomically correct dustperson, as well as the } answers to the questions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Riddle me this: Why is the Oracle more fun than Relay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The passion!  The romance!  The grand, sweeping cosmic vision!  The } freaky answers!  The sex!  The drugs!  The rock-n-roll! } } You owe the Oracle an account with access to Relay.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I AM LIFF. > > I wish to rule the world.  How may I best easily accomplish this? > > LIFF IS ME.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BLACK IS WHITE. } } There are many ways to rule the world, but few are easy. } } GREY IS NOT. } } If you would seek to rule over the many, you must first control the few. } } NORTH IS SOUTH. } } To govern the few, you must first practice self-control. } } CICERO IS TULLY. } } To gain self-control, you must first find one of the few great mystics. } } THE KING IS DEAD. } } The mystics will tell you that there are many paths to enlightenment. } } LONG LIVE THE KING. } } Many people think that they are qualified to be a great mystic. } } VICE IS NICE. } } Qualifications are very important in most political circles. } } INCEST IS BEST. } } In seeking self-discipline, one must forget the earthly world. } } PHYSICS IS PHUN. } } Ambition can only be found in the external, earthly world. } } HYPERBOLE IS EXAGGERATION. } } Political ambition conflicts with the search for inner peace. } } MATHEMATICS IS SIMPLICITY ITSELF. } } Self-discipline is necessary to rule the world. } } I AM SPACEMAN SPIFF. } } One who seeks to rule the world will never be capable of ruling the } world. } } SPACEMAN SPIFF BE ME. } } If one seeks to rule the world, one must remain unqualified for the job. } } LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. } } Many people are not qualified for their line of work. } } WHAT'S A WAFFLE? } } Not many people want anyone besides themselves to rule the world. } } IT IS AWFUL. } } Many people would like to rule the world. } } WHITHER TROFF? } } Many of the people who'd like to rule the world read rec.humor. } } IT'S RUN OFF. } } If I try to tell you how to rule the world, I'd be telling everyone } else. } } I AM INSPECTOR LOOKOUT. } } If everyone found out, it wouldn't work for everyone, only at most one. } } WHAT? WHERE? } } Any method given here will fail to answer your question. } } OH, I SEE. } } I have disguised your answer amongst the meaningless drivel. Good luck. } } THE LORD KNOWS I AM NOT A CRUEL MAN. } } You owe the Oracle an analysis of the use of the syllogism in "The } Prince." } } THE LORD IS WHAT I CALL WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE MY CAT.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what's a berglub?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quoted from the Oracular English Dictionary: } } berglub (berg' lub) n. [variation & contraction of "landlubber"] in } Eskimo parlance, one who usually remains in the icebergs and is } therefore awkward and inexperienced when on the tundra; hence, one who } has never killed a sea-otter. } } berglub (ber glub') interj. sound produced by a drowning cartoon } character.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me... > > Who are the MIB?  Are they really from outer space?  Why do they have > such an unusual effect on people?  Why is there an MIB outside my > window?  Why is he smiling?  Why aren't you answering me?  Why are > YOU smiling?  Wait... don't tell me.... > > Damn, never mind.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hahahahahahahah!  I'm one of the *other* MIB -- the Men In Blue!  Yes, } I, the Oracle, am wearing blue jeans, a blue flannel shirt, blue suede } shoes, blue sweatsocks, and a truly funky blue beret! } } But let's be realistic here.  The MIB are from the FBI and the CIA. } They all have PHDs from MIT.  They belong to the GOP.  (The black suits } come from S&K; the regulation underwear is BVDs.) They are very } concerned that no information about UFOs becomes publicly known, like } broadcast on CBS.  They consult with high-information government } agencies, such as the NSA and the IRS, to find people who are likely to } be finding things out about UFOs.  They get huge amounts of information, } which they run through their IBMs and produce a list of names.  Then } they drive down in BMWs, or fly on TWA, for a session of creative "fact } reorganization", occasionally involving electric shocks applied to } genitals, but more often threatening to nationalize your IRA.  When } they're sure you're A-OK, they leave. } } It's all for the good of the USA.  Don't confuse it with S&M. } } You owe the oracle some more TLA's (three-letter acronyms).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and flying Oracle please answer my resilient question: >   How much stuff do you have to fill a condom with before it >   turns really bouncy, but won't break?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle reminds you of the following well-known } children's rhyme: } }       Fill it with an ounce, }       It'll never bounce. } }       Fill it with a pound, }       It's sure to rebound. } }       Fill it with a ton, }       Like the Oracle you're hung. } } You owe the Oracle a jump rope.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my desk so fucking dirty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's got staplers and pencils, a pair of old mittens, } Lint balls and sand dunes and monstrous dust kittens, } Some obsolete punch-cards and ten mooses molting, } These are the reasons your desk is revolting. } } It's got dishes and tissues, the wrecks of old autos, } Paths that descend to mysterious grottoes, } Thick sticky stains made of old Mountain Dew, } That is why your desk is bothering you. } } It's got patches of mold and unformatted floppies, } Two broken modems and one field of poppies, } Five sides of bacon, one box of Bisquick, } These are the reasons your desk makes you sick. } } When you clean it, should you clean it, if you clean your desk, } And throw away these things then lo and behold! } You...hmmm... } } You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.