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Internet Oracularities #144

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144, 144-01, 144-02, 144-03, 144-04, 144-05, 144-06, 144-07, 144-08, 144-09, 144-10


Usenet Oracularities #144    (11 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 11 Apr 90 00:04:58 -0500

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144   11 votes 03440 41330 02612 12512 34031 13502 08210 04511 15410 41321
144   2.8 mean  3.1   2.5   3.3   3.1   2.5   2.9   2.4   2.9   2.5   2.5


144-01    (03440 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Comrade Oracle:
>
>   Everything go according to plan, yes?  The Americans suspect nothing
> of us?  Moscow really outdid itself now.  Imagine!  Everybody looks up
> to you, they come to you for advice.  You are bigger than Dear Abby,
> bigger than Ann Landers, and nobody suspects you are a communist mole
> from Russia.  Report back to us when the next phase of the plan begins,
> okay?  Okay!  Good, good good.
>                                                   - Andrei Petrovitch

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, everything is going according to plan, comrade...  Nobody suspects.
} I write this answer, but it will not get onto rec.humor, so nobody will
} read it.  However, I have a big fear of what will happen after we take
} over...
}
} What if Amerika just decides to secede, like everyone else?  I think of
} quitting, times like this.
}
} You owe me a pay raise.  This hard work!


144-02    (41330 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mightiest of Oracles, my puny mortal soul is perplexed.  Why is it
> that you, the most intelligent entitiy in the know universes (and not
> far from the top in many universes unknown), do not have a Usenet news-
> group all to yourself?  It seems a sin above all sins that you must
> share net-space with the dregs of the human race in rec.humor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O self-described puniest of souls, rec.humor is the natural
} newsgroup for my musings!  (Don't you love the way computer things
} have periods in them instead of spaces?  That and underlines... I
} love putting underlines in filenames.  More on that later.)
} Most of the people who write these answers are the same ones posting
} all the frivolity on rec.humor!  (As I said before, don't you love the
} way computer things have periods in them instead of spaces?  That and
} underlines... I love putting underlines in filenames.  More on that
} later.)  But we wouldn't dare do anything this respectable in public!
} That's why we need the Oracle!  But you know, there's just no possible
} way in the world I'm going to be able to work into this answer the
} concept of ftp sites.  (Speaking of ftp sites, isn't it neat how the
} addresses for ftp sites are four 8-bit numbers seperated by, of all
} things, periods?  Don't you love the way computer things have periods
} in them instead of spaces?  That and underlines... I love putting
} underlines in filenames.  More on that later.)  But I still managed
} to anyways, for I am the Usenet Oracle.  (Isn't it sad that I don't
} have any periods or underlines?  Or even a HYPHEN?  Oh, speaking of
} more on the topic, I forgot to include hyphens.  I like filenames
} like -347.P_p ... and then I wonder why.
}
} You owe the Oracle Saturday Night Live seven days a week.


144-03    (02612 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows all but usually answers randomly because no one is
> capable of making You do otherwise, what is the _real_ story behind
> Shirley Maclean's past lives?  Was she really all those Pharoes and
> famous painters, or did she spend most of her previous incarnations
> digging up tubers and getting hanged for stealing crusts of bread like
> the rest of us?  Do you think she's evolving or getting worse?  I ask
> you this, bowing and scraping and contorting myself in displays of
> humility, because only You and Shirley know and I don't trust her
> account because she's way too flighty.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gleepers!  If someone else were answering this question, they would
} think that it were a multiple question, rather than one long,
} multi-sentence one!  It's a good thing you got me!
}
} Shirley's first relevant life was in ancient Mohenjo-Daro, rather a long
} time ago.  She was Vorticle Hank, a bartender in The Stuffed Owl, a beer
} and pizza joint across from the main temples of the city.  Over the six
} hundred and eighteen years of her life (she decided to use her
} accumulated karma for longevity, plus she won a karmic lottery), many
} generations of priests and whatnot came to drink her beer and rave
} drunken wierdo Indian theology at her.  So, she has a long background in
} the stuff, but it's kind of disorganized if you get my drift.
}
} So, basically, she wasn't any of the Pharoahs and other massivley famous
} people.  She was the mistress of Pope Pius III, the great-aunt of
} Artaxerxes, and had three or four incarnations as lousy French painters
} who copied the masters of the time.  She actually did pretty well for
} herself -- most people spent their last human incarnations as peasants,
} as you implied.
}
} She has evolved into a new life-form, over ten trillion times as
} gullible as an ordinary human.
}
} You owe the Oracle a karmic loan.  My last check bounced.


144-04    (12512 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm stuck here on a little planet made entirely of dust.  How can I have
> fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh.  Haven't any of you recent seekers of knowledge ever heard of
} grovelling?
}
} On a planet full of dust?  Let's see...
}
}  o Build a dust castle.
}
}  o Make a dust angel. Lie on your back and wave your arms and kick your
}    legs.
}
}  o Watch those big asteroids.  Don't any of them look like they're
}    heading your way?  Lots of fun.
}
}  o Did you make a dust angel?  Now you can inhale angel dust!
}
}  o Get practice for your exciting future career as a maintenence
}    engineer.
}
}  o Masturbate.
}
}  o Or try out your dust angel.
}
}  o Count how numerous are the motes of dust.  Compare to the number of
}    stars.
}
}  o Get everybody on the planet to jump up at the same time.  You're the
}    only one?  Well, that saves some trouble, especially concerns about
}    simultaneity under special relativity.  Or, if you're not alone, you
}    shouldn't have to masturbate.
}
}  o Maybe the dust is fun to eat.
}
}  o Maybe you can think of fun recipes you can make using the dust, e.g
}       DUST FLAMBE AU DUST
}     Ingredients: some dust
}     Instructions: Cook some dust.  Mix some other dust with water, and
}       cook until the water boils off.  Mix some more dust with water.
}       Cook 'til steaming.  Mix the three together.  Serves some people.
}
}  o Write a novel in the dust.  Be careful where you step when you make
}    spelling corrections.
}
}  o Write questions to the Oracle in the dust, hoping that passing space
}    ships will see the message and pass it along.
}
} [ Oh. Nevermind about the last one, you've already done it. ]
}
}  o Write songs about your experiences on the planet of dust, with names
}    like "Forbidden Dust," "I Want Some New Dust," "Always a Dust
}    Moment," and "Dust in the Wind."
}
} [ Oh. Forget that last title. ]
}
}  o Learn to ferment dust.  If succesful, this can lead to many new and
}    fun things that you can do, but I'll leave you to discover those for
}    yourself.
}
}  o The most fun thing you can do, though, is answer all the stupid
}    questions the Oracle gets for it.  I'll arrange to have that space-
}    ship drop you off a batch of 'em, and you just write your answers
}    big enough to be seen, we'll do the rest.  Thanks.
}
} You owe the Oracle an anatomically correct dustperson, as well as the
} answers to the questions.


144-05    (34031 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Riddle me this: Why is the Oracle more fun than Relay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The passion!  The romance!  The grand, sweeping cosmic vision!  The
} freaky answers!  The sex!  The drugs!  The rock-n-roll!
}
} You owe the Oracle an account with access to Relay.


144-06    (13502 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I AM LIFF.
>
> I wish to rule the world.  How may I best easily accomplish this?
>
> LIFF IS ME.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BLACK IS WHITE.
}
} There are many ways to rule the world, but few are easy.
}
} GREY IS NOT.
}
} If you would seek to rule over the many, you must first control the few.
}
} NORTH IS SOUTH.
}
} To govern the few, you must first practice self-control.
}
} CICERO IS TULLY.
}
} To gain self-control, you must first find one of the few great mystics.
}
} THE KING IS DEAD.
}
} The mystics will tell you that there are many paths to enlightenment.
}
} LONG LIVE THE KING.
}
} Many people think that they are qualified to be a great mystic.
}
} VICE IS NICE.
}
} Qualifications are very important in most political circles.
}
} INCEST IS BEST.
}
} In seeking self-discipline, one must forget the earthly world.
}
} PHYSICS IS PHUN.
}
} Ambition can only be found in the external, earthly world.
}
} HYPERBOLE IS EXAGGERATION.
}
} Political ambition conflicts with the search for inner peace.
}
} MATHEMATICS IS SIMPLICITY ITSELF.
}
} Self-discipline is necessary to rule the world.
}
} I AM SPACEMAN SPIFF.
}
} One who seeks to rule the world will never be capable of ruling the
} world.
}
} SPACEMAN SPIFF BE ME.
}
} If one seeks to rule the world, one must remain unqualified for the job.
}
} LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
}
} Many people are not qualified for their line of work.
}
} WHAT'S A WAFFLE?
}
} Not many people want anyone besides themselves to rule the world.
}
} IT IS AWFUL.
}
} Many people would like to rule the world.
}
} WHITHER TROFF?
}
} Many of the people who'd like to rule the world read rec.humor.
}
} IT'S RUN OFF.
}
} If I try to tell you how to rule the world, I'd be telling everyone
} else.
}
} I AM INSPECTOR LOOKOUT.
}
} If everyone found out, it wouldn't work for everyone, only at most one.
}
} WHAT? WHERE?
}
} Any method given here will fail to answer your question.
}
} OH, I SEE.
}
} I have disguised your answer amongst the meaningless drivel. Good luck.
}
} THE LORD KNOWS I AM NOT A CRUEL MAN.
}
} You owe the Oracle an analysis of the use of the syllogism in "The
} Prince."
}
} THE LORD IS WHAT I CALL WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE MY CAT.


144-07    (08210 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what's a berglub?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quoted from the Oracular English Dictionary:
}
} berglub (berg' lub) n. [variation & contraction of "landlubber"] in
} Eskimo parlance, one who usually remains in the icebergs and is
} therefore awkward and inexperienced when on the tundra; hence, one who
} has never killed a sea-otter.
}
} berglub (ber glub') interj. sound produced by a drowning cartoon
} character.


144-08    (04511 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me...
>
> Who are the MIB?  Are they really from outer space?  Why do they have
> such an unusual effect on people?  Why is there an MIB outside my
> window?  Why is he smiling?  Why aren't you answering me?  Why are
> YOU smiling?  Wait... don't tell me....
>
> Damn, never mind.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hahahahahahahah!  I'm one of the *other* MIB -- the Men In Blue!  Yes,
} I, the Oracle, am wearing blue jeans, a blue flannel shirt, blue suede
} shoes, blue sweatsocks, and a truly funky blue beret!
}
} But let's be realistic here.  The MIB are from the FBI and the CIA.
} They all have PHDs from MIT.  They belong to the GOP.  (The black suits
} come from S&K; the regulation underwear is BVDs.) They are very
} concerned that no information about UFOs becomes publicly known, like
} broadcast on CBS.  They consult with high-information government
} agencies, such as the NSA and the IRS, to find people who are likely to
} be finding things out about UFOs.  They get huge amounts of information,
} which they run through their IBMs and produce a list of names.  Then
} they drive down in BMWs, or fly on TWA, for a session of creative "fact
} reorganization", occasionally involving electric shocks applied to
} genitals, but more often threatening to nationalize your IRA.  When
} they're sure you're A-OK, they leave.
}
} It's all for the good of the USA.  Don't confuse it with S&M.
}
} You owe the oracle some more TLA's (three-letter acronyms).


144-09    (15410 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and flying Oracle please answer my resilient question:
>   How much stuff do you have to fill a condom with before it
>   turns really bouncy, but won't break?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle reminds you of the following well-known
} children's rhyme:
}
}       Fill it with an ounce,
}       It'll never bounce.
}
}       Fill it with a pound,
}       It's sure to rebound.
}
}       Fill it with a ton,
}       Like the Oracle you're hung.
}
} You owe the Oracle a jump rope.


144-10    (41321 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my desk so fucking dirty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's got staplers and pencils, a pair of old mittens,
} Lint balls and sand dunes and monstrous dust kittens,
} Some obsolete punch-cards and ten mooses molting,
} These are the reasons your desk is revolting.
}
} It's got dishes and tissues, the wrecks of old autos,
} Paths that descend to mysterious grottoes,
} Thick sticky stains made of old Mountain Dew,
} That is why your desk is bothering you.
}
} It's got patches of mold and unformatted floppies,
} Two broken modems and one field of poppies,
} Five sides of bacon, one box of Bisquick,
} These are the reasons your desk makes you sick.
}
} When you clean it, should you clean it, if you clean your desk,
} And throw away these things then lo and behold!
} You...hmmm...
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.


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